Scars Don't Heal When You Keep Cutting

Just like I had promised, I meet Ben at his locker. When I approach locker 112, he’s awkwardly standing there, swaying from left to right on his feet. I smile widely as I tap his shoulder, causing him to jump as his head snaps in my direction. My smile drops completely as I notice the state he’s in.

Horror and sadness swim in his eyes as tears flow rapidly down his flushed cheeks.

My protective instincts urge me to pull the crying boy into a tight hug, but he gasps and moves out of my grasp. I flinch and step back a little bit, giving him room. He wipes his eyes before speaking as I watch the vulnerable boy, concerned.

"Sorry ‘bout that," he sniffles, keeping his head hung low. "I'm fine, don't worry bout me." I sigh, my heart aching for him.

"You sure? You don’t look it..." I ask softly. He looks up and smiles, but something’s off about it. I assure him that I’m here for him and that he can tell me anything before asking if he’s ready to come to my place. He nods his head eagerly, encouraging me to smile again. He's actually quite excited about hanging at my place while my old friends at my old school thought it was whatever. It’s kinda cute, actually…

I turn to walk out the building with Ben closely by my side. We walked to my house in silence, the only sounds heard being Ben's occasional hiccups and sniffles from crying. I wanted to hug him so badly, but it's quite obvious that he's not one for hugs at all.

We finally get to my house as Ben finally stops crying. I would've told him to stop if he still was, I kinda gotta get him to meet my parents. They won't let him up to my room without them meeting first. Stupid? Yes. Do I have a choice? No. I don’t think it would be a very good first impression anyways.

I pull my key out of my pocket and jam it into the hole with more force than necessary and twist before letting Ben in first. He hesitates for a moment, drawing more concern from me.

"You alright, mate?" I ask him. He looks up at me for the first time since we left school, quite awkwardly.

"Yeah, just never been in any house other than my own," he mutters quietly, looking back to the floor sheepishly.

I smile and motion for him to come in. "You're welcome here, don't worry! Worsnop’s place is the coolest ever!"

With that, he hastily walks in. I chuckle at him and step in myself, closing and locking the door behind me.

"Mom! Dad! I'm home! I brought someone with me!" I shout loudly so my parents would hear me from whatever room they're in. My loud shout seemed to scare Ben, seeing that he jumped back a bit and flinched. I sigh sadly and mutter an apology as I hear footsteps from the kitchen, and in comes a smiling Mom along with Dad, who was a bit surprised yet happy. Is the fact that I brought a friend home the first day of school really that great?

"Hey, Daniel! How was school?" I grimace at the use of my birth name. I specifically asked to be called 'Danny' a while back but he keeps calling my ‘Daniel’ instead. I let it slip, even though it irritates me.

"It was fine, I made a new friend here," I turn my head to look at Ben, who was staring at his shoes. He kept blinking at them, trying to fight back tears. I sigh softly again before looking back to my parents.

"Ah, so Danny made a friend already? Wanna introduce yourself, honey?" Mom asks Ben with a smile. Ben stays silent and barely shakes his head no.

Fuck.

I lean closer to his ear and whisper gently, "you don't have to be afraid of my parents! They'll love you, I swear!"

He takes a deep breath and shakily lets it out. "I-I'm Ben. Danny's b-best friend," he says quietly, but my parents still heard. His stuttering seemed to have returned. Probably because he's talking to someone new.

Wait.

Ben said he was my best friend.

Not my friend, but my best friend.

I smile widely at the idea, until,

"Um, Daniel? Is your friend okay?" That killed the mood. I glance at Ben again, who was trying to cover his face by allowing his hair to fall over it, tears rolling down his face again. I also notice his hands starting to shake before he quickly shoves them in his pocket. I sigh sympathetically. I’m gonna have to talk to him about this as soon as we’re alone.

"I don't know, I'm gonna take him to my room so we can talk about it, is that okay?" I answer, finishing with a question of my own.

"Yes, and it was nice meeting you, Ben!" Mom says. Ben merely nods in response. I lean towards his ear again and whisper, " ’bout to grab your hand, okay?" I reach a hand into his pocket and tap his fingers with my own, and he wraps his tiny fingers around my hand. I blush a little as the butterflies in my stomach start fluttering around and hold his hand back. I lead him upstairs and into my room where I let go of his hand.

“So, what’s up, buddy?”

“Uh...c-can I u-use your b-bathroom? Please?” he mutters desperately and quietly- so quietly, it’s barely audible.

“Go ahead. Room right across the hall.”

He nods and shuffles quickly out of the room and into the bathroom, locking the door behind himself. Now, I guess I just wait here for Ben to come out so we can talk. I sigh and throw myself onto the floor, basically planking, my face mashed into the carpet.

“Carpet sure is delicious,” I mutter sarcastically to myself, feeling the rough texture of my carpet against my tongue. I groan as I roll over. The stupid feeling is still clinging to my tongue! Gross! After a while, Ben enters the room again. He lays on the floor next to me, gazing up at the ceiling. I suddenly feel the urge to move closer and wrap my arms around him, but we all know what happens when someone touches him, so that’s out of the question. All I do is study him closely, admiring how beautiful he really is. This damn crush will be the end of me…

[Danny, aren’t you forgetting something?

Yeah, Danny! Thanks for reminding me!

Great, now I’m mentally talking to myself.

“Benji? Wanna tell me why you were crying?” I ask him softly, gaining his attention. He turns his head to the right to look at me, he wore an amused expression.

“Did you call me ‘Benji’?” he asks.

Fuck. Did I really?

I blush once again and nod. I’ve never blushed so much before...

“Do you want me to stop?”

“Nah, I kinda like it,” he tells me as he returns his gaze to the ceiling. I smile, satisfied by the knowledge of him liking my nickname for him.

“No one else is allowed to call you that, alright?” I chuckle a bit. “It’s my nickname for you.”

“Who else is there to call me ‘Benji’?” he asks me softly. I sigh sadly, remembering what Ms. King told me earlier.

‘Thank you for working with Mr. Bruce! I think he needed a friend.’

I’m his only friend. That’s gotta change.

We’re quiet for a moment, until I remember the topic I was supposed to bring up before he left for the bathroom.

“Hey, why were you crying? Don’t tell me you’re fine because you’re clearly not,” I try again. He sighs as he rubs his stomach absentmindedly.

“It’s nothing,” he murmured, avoiding eye contact. I tilt his head towards me with my fingers, forcing him to make eye contact again. I stare into his sad yet gorgeous blue eyes, him staring back into my own eyes.

“Tell me the truth,” I tell him firmly. “Remember what I said earlier?”

He’s quiet for a moment before he starts to speak.

“It’s just...it’s- um…” he gets out before sighing and averting his gaze down to my chin.

“Ben,” I say a bit sternly, “My eyes are up here.” He looks back up to them. “What’s wrong, Ben? I want to help you.”

He stays silent, gazing into my eyes. He finally opens his mouth to speak. “Don’t let him know you heard it from me, okay? It’ll make it worse.”

I’m about to urge him on so I can understand what he means, but then I know. I seemed to glare at nothing in particular, anger radiating out of me like a lightbulb. Someone hurting my Benji? Oh boy, this cunt’s about to get his ass beat…

But Ben doesn’t want me to let him find out that he told me.

Who is this fucking douche anyway?

“Who, Benji?” I finally ask him. He opens his mouth to answer, but my mother’s voice stops him.

“Danny! You and your friend may come down to eat if you’d like!” Mom shouts from the kitchen downstairs.

I smile and sit up, leaving Ben laying on the floor alone. I turn to him with a smile and pull him up into a sitting position by the collar of his hoodie like I would do to my old friends. I retreat when I realize what I’ve done. I apologize as I stand up, pulling him up by his hand like any normal person really should.

“You wanna go down and eat?” I ask him.

“No, thank you,” he answers quickly, shifting his gaze to the floor once again. I roll my eyes.

“Come on, Benji! My mom makes some good food! Plus, you’ve barely eaten today, have you?”

He rocks back and forth on his feet anxiously, keeping his gaze on the floor. “I’ve eaten plenty,” he says very quietly. I step closer to him, he looks up at me.

“What have you eaten, Benji?” I smile down at him. He’ll probably feel more comfortable talking to a happy Danny. He lets his eyes wander around my room a bit

“A few crackers, a few grapes, half of that granola bar, and uh…” He starts fidgeting. He backs up to the bed and sits on it, gazing down at his lap.

“Did you eat anything else, Benji? Is that really all you ate?” I ask sternly as I sit next to him on the bed. I stare at him, wanting an answer.

“N-No, I just have bad memory,” he says, glancing up at me before looking back at his lap, “My dad made a big breakfast today because… he got promoted, and wanted to celebrate.”

I nod my head.

“So, you just too full to eat, huh?” I chuckle at him, standing up. He nods, looking up at me. My stomach growls, telling me to take my ass downstairs and eat some fucking dinner. “Well, I’m about to eat. You may come if you want. I’ll be back up as soon as I’m done eating, okay?” I ask him. He only nods in response and lays back on the bed.

I walk into the kitchen where my parents were already eating. They look up at me when they hear me enter the room.

“Where’s your friend?” Dad asks as he shoves another fry into his mouth. Mom looks to me expectantly.

“Oh, Ben? He’s not hungry,” I reply as I sit at the table where my plate of fries and a burger sits. That’s when I realize that we’re having McDonald’s. It will never compare to my mom’s cooking, that’s for sure.

“Oh, well if he gets hungry, we still have some left over!” Mom smiles warmly as she takes a bite out of her burger. I nod in response and wolf down my food, eager to get back upstairs to Ben. I finish my food in a couple minutes and run upstairs to my room again.

I still have my cheeks full like a hamster collecting food in it’s jaws when I step into the room. Ben glances up at me. He arches an eyebrow when he sees my mouth.

“Uh...Danny?”

“Yeah, Benny-boy?” I reply when I gulp the food down in painfully large amounts. He doesn't say anything, just amusingly shakes his head. “What?”

“You looked like a chipmunk,” he says. That’s the loudest I’ve ever heard him speak. It was still quiet, but not was quiet as he usually is. It makes me smile. He’s warming up to me, which is great, considering the fact that this is only day one. I walk over to the bed he was chilling on and push him over a bit so I could sit too. He flinches slightly when I do. I apologize for scaring him as I slide on the bed next to him. We sit in a comfortable silence. Come to think about it, it was kinda awkward in a way I invited my friend over and didn’t even know what we would do. Ben must’ve been thinking the same,

“Uh...what are we supposed to do?” he asks, looking over to me. I turn my head to the right and gaze at his face. I haven’t seen this beautiful face smile yet. Without thinking, I push aside his unanswered question with my own,

“Why don’t you smile?”

He stares at me for a while, before turning his head to look at the wall in front of him.

“There’s no reason to smile.”