Shuffle

“You have one new message…Daisuke, I’m sorry about the way things are right now. I’m on my way to your show tonight…I need to see you. I want to give this another shot…I’m not giving up on us yet. I love you, and I want us to be a family. I’ll see you later. End of messages.” I furrowed my brows, confused by Rhu’s voicemail.

“Are you packed up? We’ve gotta get going.” Kaoru questioned, arm planted on his hip firmly. I shoved my phone into my pocket, scratching my head as I pondered over the odd message. “What’s the hold up?” He pressed.

“…You haven’t seen Rhu?” I questioned, biting my lip as I began scanning my surroundings. There were people covering the streets, but not one familiar face.

“Why would she be here? She’s in Massachusetts, right?” Kaoru huffed, urging me to board. Ignoring the man, I began trotting down the sidewalk, turning the corner of the building where the entranceway was lit. Fans still stood outside, hoping for one final opportunity to meet with us after the show had concluded.

“Oh my god! It’s Die!” A girl squealed, quickly stubbing out her cigarette before rushing to my front. “Can we get a picture with you?!” She squeaked as her friends joined.

“Uhm…I’m kind’ve in a hurry…” I mumbled, but she already had her phone out and camera activated.

“Die! We need to go! We’re already running behind!” Kaoru’s voice sounded out as the girl snapped a photo. The flash distracted me momentarily, but I immediately noticed a familiar frame hobbling toward me. Her chestnut locks fell around her large belly that was hidden beneath thick layers. A wool hat sat on her head, matching her pink nose. I pushed through the small crowd that had gathered, astounded to be here with her now.

“I’m sorry I left.” Her sweet voice whimpered, brilliant eyes tearing up above rosy cheeks.

“Rhu?” I whispered. “…What are you doing here?”

“I came to apologize.” She frowned, eyes downcast. “…I don’t know what I was thinking…I shouldn’t have left.” She murmered, fingers fidgeting. I noticed her breath condensing in the chilly air.

“Come to the bus.” I nearly demanded. “We can talk there.” I took her gloved hand, sparks flying up my arm at her tender touch. I pulled her along, disregarding the fuming Kaoru and hoard of fans that followed us. In this moment, I was just relieved to be by her side.

The bus travelled down the highway, swaying gently from side to side. She’d shed her winter layers and sat before me, sipping a lukewarm mug of tea. The other four were already sprawled out on their cots. It wasn’t like them to be asleep this early…they were giving us privacy.

“I want us to be a family.” She started, her eyes glistening. I was taken aback at the moment. She had left, time and time again…broken my heart. I wasn’t sure I could carry on without her…I didn’t even want to consider the possibility of living without my daughter in my life. I’d pondered again and again…how could I change her mind? How could I convince her to stay with me? But it always came back to her family…I couldn’t destroy that.

And yet, here she was…in front of me.

“I love you.” She whimpered, fingers laced with mine. Tears slid from her eyes, falling onto her round stomach that held our sleeping child. Her gaze locked with mine, melting my frozen heart. I couldn’t resist…I pulled her close, wrapping my arms around her warm body.

Holding her close wasn’t as simple as it once had been with a baby between us. Still, her curves melded to mine, supple lips parting as I closed the distance between us. Her touch seemed too good to be true. I worried that when I would open my eyes, it would be nothing but a dream.

It was.

White light invaded my vision, her warmth vanishing. Her fingers remained entwined with mine, but they were cold and lifeless. Monotone beeping filled my ears, the smell of bleach invaded my nostrils. Her shining eyes weren’t staring back at me. They were closed, as they had been for the past seven months.

Nothing changed.

Rhu was gone, and I’d come to terms with it. She wasn’t coming back.

The past seven months had completely drained me. After her surgery, Rhu never regained consciousness. Her condition improved, but she wasn’t responsive. The doctor’s had no clue what was going on. She suffered no head trauma, so there was really no reason for her lack of neurological functioning. At first, I never left her side. I’d blindly convinced myself she’d wake up any moment.

After a few weeks passed, and Halley had been released from the hospital, I started visiting less. I told myself that fatherhood kept me home longer. I couldn’t feasibly wait at Rhu’s side forever. I had a daughter to care for. In reality, I would have used any excuse to leave her side. My heart no longer ached as I reached for her-I was numb. I was numb to everything, even my own daughter.

I hardly felt present while she grew. I fed her, changed her, made sure she rested and was properly cared for…but that was it. I felt like a robot. Everyone had picked up on it. They stopped over constantly, offering their own advice and support. Even Emma and Opal had extended their stay in Japan. If they weren’t at the hospital with Rhu, they were at my place caring for her-Halley.

I named her Halley, after the largest opal ever discovered. Being born in October, Rhu’s family would have insisted on naming her Opal. I knew Rhu would disagree-she always hated that tradition. So, I did some research. Emma assured me that Rhu would approve…that she would love it as soon as she woke up. I wasn’t so sure. I wish she was here to help me make the decision. I wasn’t even sure she would wake up.

Months passed, and my visits dropped to once a month, if that. Rhu’s family moved to Japan-her father’s family home. They insisted on helping me care for Halley, but they also wanted to make up for my lack of visitation. They stopped pleading with me. They stopped trying to convince me that she was in there. She wasn’t. Everyone knew it. It was obvious that Rhu’s spirit had manifested itself in Halley. I saw in in her smile and heard it in her laugh. She had Rhu’s brilliant eyes. This was just a carcass before me…

“If you’re in there…just give me a sign…” I whispered, closing my eyes.

Beep beep beep.

Everything was the same. There was no change. There would be no change. I stood, dropping the hand I’d clung so dearly to for what felt like ages. I turned my back on the woman I’d poured my last ounce of hope into.

“Bye Rhu.” I whispered, stepping out the doorway of her hospital room for the last time.



“Welcome home!” An overwhelming cheer erupted, stopping my heart as the front door swung open before me. Kyo’s arm around my waist prevented me from falling backwards, but I couldn’t resist the urge to smack his chest after noting the smirk on his features.

“You promised!” I complained, instantly dragged into an embrace of dozens of familiar arms. Kaoru, Shinya, Die, Nobuo, Toki…everyone. But the only embrace that meant anything to me was his…that’s the only one I looked forward to.

“So, how long are you staying this time?” Shinya’s taunting voice teased. I rolled my eyes.

“Believe me, this time it’s permanent.” I laughed. After months of deliberating and repacking, I was home. Truly home at Kyo’s side where I always belonged. Our hearts hadn’t changed, no matter the years that had passed. I caught his almond gaze staring affectionately.

“Glad to have you back. Japan isn’t the same without you.” Shinya teased, nudging playfully. “I hear there’s a wedding to start planning for?” He added with a smirk. I felt my face grow red with embarrassment. I wasn’t even sure why. “Congratulations. I always knew you two would end up together.” He winked.

“Always?” I cocked a brow.

“You thought we wouldn’t notice? You guys have always been inseparable, even when you were pretending to hate eachother.” He laughed. “I just don’t understand what took him so long!”

“I’m in no hurry.” I smiled to myself, gazing over toward Kyo. Time was really not a factor for us. We had all the time in the world together, and we’d spent the last ten years together. I intended to give him the rest of my time as well.

The sound of high pitched laughter broke me of my concentration, immediately drawing my attention. I didn’t expect her to be here tonight… Die approached me, his gaze fixed on the bundle of cuteness squirming in his arms. Halley. A grin was plastered on her tiny face as his fingers tickled her belly.

“Oh my god she’s getting so big!” I squealed, quickly moving to their side to get a closer look. The last time I saw her was in the NICU before returning to New York…nearly five months ago. I couldn’t believe how much she’d changed. That tiny, fragile child barely clinging to life was now a rambunctious seven month old.

“She’s gonna be taller than me at this rate.” Die chuckled, transferring the girl into my arms. She stared up at me with her big brown eyes. Her soft black hair framed her rosy cheeks that were littered with freckles. “She looks so much like her.” I cooed, brushing a bit of hair off her forehead.

“I swear it’s Rhu staring back at me sometimes.” Die mused, smiling softly. “That’s probably the only thing that’s been getting me through this.” He sighed.

“...Are you still visiting her every day?” I asked cautiously. He shook his head, a frown on his lips.

“I can’t. It’s too hard…”

“I can’t imagine.” I frowned. “I haven’t seen her in five months…I don’t even know if I want to.” I grimaced.

“I won’t go back again.” He shook his head. I wasn’t sure it was the best choice for him to be making, but I couldn’t argue with him.

“I keep telling myself she’s just away somewhere…on vacation or something.” I murmured, noticing how Halley fidgeted in my embrace.

“No…” Die exhaled, stepping closer to gaze down at Halley. She reached for her father, squirming silently. “…She’s right here.” I could have sworn I heard him utter under his breath. I handed her over, a smile spreading across her features as she wrapped her tiny arms around his neck. She rested her face on his chest, sighing contentedly.

“I think it’s a certain peanut’s bedtime.” Die chuckled, gaze quickly returning to mine. “I’m going to drop her off at Emma’s…I’ll be back later.”

“You don’t have to.” I frowned.

“…I need a night to forget…” He murmured, gaze distant. I had to look away from Die. I couldn’t stomach the look on his face. He didn’t gaze at Halley as a new father would. He didn’t even look depressed as he spoke of Rhu. There was nothing in his eyes. It was as if he was hollow. It chilled me to the core to think I may never have my nii-san back.

“Well…I’ll see you later then.” I forced a smile as he turned away. There had to be something I could do…but honestly, what was there to do? The love of his life was gone. He was completely lost without her…and she wouldn’t be back. He had no clue how to even raise a kid…Emma was doing it for him. Die would be stumbling around aimlessly until he is able to find his own way out of this mess. Who knows how long it would take? …If he could even manage to do it…

“Welcome back.” A familiar, unwelcomed voice uttered at my side. As if my mood couldn’t get any worse…

“You’re here?” I frowned, unwilling to make eye contact with him-Toshiya.

“For now.” He shrugged. “Congratulations.” He added. I couldn’t resist the urge to study his features, surprised to find no hint of resentment in his cold black eyes.

“…Was that sarcasm?” I scowled.

“No.” He sighed, closing the eyes I despised. “I’m serious. I’m happy for you two… Kyo always genuinely loved you. That was apparent.” He started, gaze veering away from mine. “I could never even dream to care for someone like Kyo cares for you. I resented him for that…I let myself become a monster, to keep you two apart. I’m sorry for that.” He sighed. I bit my lip in thought, letting his words sink in.

“You belong with Kyo. You deserve that kind of unconditional, all-encompassing love. I see that now. I was wrong for treating you the way I did. I was a monster…I’ll always be a monster, after the things I did to you…”

“If you want my forgiveness, you’re barking up the wrong tree…” I growled.

“No no no.” He shook his head, wide eyed. “I could never ask for that. I could never even hope for that. I don’t deserve that…”

“Then what’s this all about?” I huffed.

“I just…it’s stupid…” He murmured, scratching his head, eyes wandering the room.

“Spit it out.”

“It’s a promise…” He grimaced. “I’ve been getting help…seeing a counselor…it’s the only way Kyo would let me stay in Dir en Grey.” He added with a chuckle. This was news to me. “Anyway…It’s a promise, that I will never subject anyone to that monster again. I’ll continue getting help…forever…I need it.” He sighed. My lips parted slightly, eyes widening.

I hadn’t expected this type of thing to be our first ‘real conversation’ again-after everything. I always assumed Toshiya would plead for my forgiveness and try to get me back…that he would continue to be the arrogant sack of shit he’d always been. I was sure he was still arrogant…but there was an aura of maturity and deep thought to his words. Honestly? I was impressed…something got through to him.

“So yeah…I promise to be a better person.” He shrugged awkwardly, making me realize just how long I’d been staring.

“…Thanks…” I murmured, releasing my gaze. Toshiya nodded before bowing slightly and ducking out of the room. I was relieved he’d left. Despite the time that had passed and his potential change, it didn’t stop my stomach from churning queasily.

Luckily, there was a party available to distract me.

“Let’s get this thing started!” I shouted, startling my guests. But soon, smiles filled the room as laughter and loud conversation ensued.

For the first time, the celebrating didn’t get too carried away. I wouldn’t be cleaning for the next week…a quick tidying would suffice. It was the middle of the week, and Diru was busy recording their next album. They had a lot of work to do in the following months-leaving little time for celebrations. Everyone left at a normal hour, and soon it was just Kyo and I. As much as I loved being reunited with my friends and family, some one on one time with those almond flecked eyes was in high demand.

“Are you hungry?” Kyo questioned as I cleaned what bottles lingered in the living room. Our living room. It hadn’t really sunk in that this was our home…I was home. Finally.

“Um…yeah.” I nodded, distracted with the trash bag in my hands. I could hear the clattering of plates and beeping of the microwave. Kyo shuffled throughout the kitchen, disappearing upstairs by the time I finished tidying up. The smell of pork and cabbage dumplings filled my nostrils, making my mouth water. When had he last made me this? I moved into the kitchen, expecting the meal to be laid out on the table, or at least on the counter. There was nothing in sight but used dishes.

“Kyo?” I questioned, following his trail up the stairwell. He wasn’t in the bedroom, nor was the light on in the bathroom. I travelled to the end of the hall, noticing the balcony door was cracked open. Cool night air wafted through the narrow passageway, raising the hair on the back of my neck. Stepping through the doorway, his almond gaze captured mine, dimly lit by the light of his cigarette.

“Your food’s getting cold.” He teased, stubbing out the stick before gesturing to the seat across from him. There was a plate stacked high with dumplings, just calling my name. My stomach groaned greedily.

“Kyo…you didn’t have to...” I smiled, instantly sitting on the patio furniture to dig in. Delicious as always. Kyo grinned crookedly, his almond eyes staring into me. Star light glimmered in his gaze, fireflies flickering in the distance. The moment reminded me of our many hours enjoying each other’s company on the school roof, where he would often watch me eat. My cheeks flushed, reminiscing on the memories we held.

Who would have thought that that boy from high school would be the man before me? The man I planned to spend eternity with? Who would have thought that through everything, we managed to find each other? I guess the saying is true…young love never fades.

“I can’t wait to spend forever with you.” I uttered, lips twisting into a grin.

“Finally.” Kyo chuckled, his warm touch completing me.



“Do you want to go to the park?”

“No.” Halley frowned, shaking her head. “I went with Aunt Opal today. I want to see mommy.”

“They didn’t take you to visit her?” I questioned, cocking my head. She shook violently, black hair bouncing off her shoulders.

“You promised!” She huffed. I sighed, gazing away from the two year old. It had been a birthday tradition to visit Rhu…but Emma was always the one to make the visit. My gut told me the two women had schemed this. It had been well over a year since I last saw Rhu. Nearly two years…I suppose I was due for a visitation.

“All right.” I groaned, scooping her up to plop her in her car seat. “But you’re treating me to dinner!” I narrowed my eyes, the little girl laughing in response. She chatted in the backseat along the drive about her day spent with Emma and Opal. I was only partially aware. My mind was on our destination.

Almost two years…what did she look like? Is she aging? Would she be skinnier? Would she have more tubes attached by now? What should I say? Should I say anything? My mind raced, heart thumping nervously in my chest. Would I get emotional? I told myself I’d grown numb, but as time passed I began feeling my chest stir again. Would this ruin everything I’d worked toward? Was this a mistake?

Before long, the large building appeared before us and I was walking through the glass doors with Halley in my arms. The woman behind the desk smiled familiarly. I remembered her from when I visited Rhu. She was still here?

“Halley! Did you come to visit mommy?” She piped up, resting her chin in her palm. Halley nodded happily.

“It’s my birthday! Daddy promised!” She beamed.

“Is that so? How old are you now? 14?!” She teased. Halley shook her head holding out her pointer finger.

“This…” She struggled with her second finger, not quite sure if she was correct.

“You’re two.” I chuckled, nodding affirmation.

“It’s been a while Andou-san.” The woman turned her attention to me, face changing slightly. I nodded, taking a deep breath. She frowned, gazing away momentarily. “Not much has changed in two years…” She murmured.

“I know…” I frowned. I hadn’t expected anything to change… Halley squirmed impatiently until I set her down, allowing her to lead the way. She held onto two of my fingers, dragging me down the halls to wait before the elevators. I could feel my heart in my throat. What was waiting for me in that room? Before I knew it, Halley was rushing ahead of me, quickly disappearing into Rhu’s room.

I stood in the doorway, eyes closed as I steadied my breathing. Hesitantly, I took note of the environment. Warm sunlight filled the room, touching her still body. Halley climbed to her side, staring down at Rhu’s face. She wasn’t full of tubes or wires. If she was, they were hidden beneath the soft fleece blanket that cloaked her body. I took a few steps closer. Her auburn hair cascaded down her shoulders to her waist. Although her roots had grown out, the locks still seemed soft and strong as they always had. Her skin was pale, but her freckles gave her a warm glow. She even wore a hint of mascara and blush. It was obvious Emma visited regularly, to ensure Rhu always looked her best. She appeared to be sleeping peacefully, just as she had over a year ago.

“Pretty…” Rhu muttered, fingers resting on her mother’s cheek. She bent low, pressing her lips to her forehead before petting her hair. She gazed up at me with her chocolate gaze, a smile tugging at her features. It blew me away just how similar the two looked. I’d almost forgotten what Rhu even looked like. I almost forgot her brilliant eyes and soft laughter. I’d almost forgotten her contagious smile and warm essence. But honestly, that kind of beauty was impossible to forget.

“Say hi.” Halley demanded, stubborn child that she was. Another trait inherited from her mother. Sighing, I stepped closer to sit at her side.

“…Hi.” I muttered, letting my gaze fall on the sleeping beauty. Unconsciously, I took her hand in mine, scooting closer. “Sorry I haven’t visited in a while.” I sighed. Halley squirmed out of her spot, moving to the corner where a small pile of toys sat. I felt drawn to Rhu, unable to look away from her face. As if I might miss something. I felt the same way the first moment I laid eyes on Halley.

Every moment I had with her was sacred. I could have lost her at any moment. And for those first weeks, I couldn’t even touch her. And yet, here I was with Rhu. I felt regret in my stomach. Regret that I turned my back on her for all that time…I never gave up hope on Halley, and yet I lost all hope for Rhu. And here she still was…

I let my touch fall on her cheek, skin still as soft as always. I felt water well in my eyes, something that hadn’t happened in ages. My throat burned as I held back sobs. I should never have given up on her… She would never have done that to me. I closed the distance between us, her tender lips sending sparks into mine.

“I never stopped loving you.” I whimpered, liquid dripping onto my fingertips. Pulling away, I brushed my teary eyes…but they weren’t tear filled. Gazing down, tears trickled from Rhu’s eyes, her lips quivering.

“…Rhu?” I whispered, wiping the liquid with my thumbs. I’d forgotten how to breathe as her eyes fluttered open, gazing right back into mine. This had to be a dream…

“I’m sorry I left.” She cried. Her voice filled the room, drawing Halley’s attention. But I hardly noticed the girl climb to my side as I wrapped my arms around Rhu, capturing her lips with mine. I held her tightly, desperately, determined to never let go again.

“I’m right here…” I choked. “I’m not going anywhere.” Her frail arms struggled to wrap around my frame, Halley’s tiny body entangling with ours. Joyful sobs echoed in the room, the sound of new hope...something I thought was long forgotten.

I held my everything in my arms: My past, present, and future.