Lost Haven.

I was still trying to wrap my head around John being back. Having to see him, even if it was only when I left the house. He just lingered in the trees, and sometimes he wasn’t there at all. He was like an apparition that came and went, a ghost. I couldn’t quite take the torment. I didn’t want him anywhere near me, much less Angela. I hoped that Riley was decent enough to not go behind my back and allow him to see her while I was away. I was spending a lot more time at home because of it. I couldn’t trust either of them anymore.
There was a knock on the door and I feel my stomach knot, knowing it was John. It hasn’t been three days since he first reappeared, yet I was sick of his mere presence.
Since Angie was napping, I tuck her in inside her crib before leaving the room to see what he wanted. My skin felt cold as I reached for the knob, resenting the swirl of green of his eyes on the other side.
His mouth lifts the slightest. “Didn’t think you’d actually open up.”
“Well I did. Is that all you wanted to know?”
“No,” he says quickly when I begin to close the door again. His voice softens. “Please.”
I study his sincere gaze for a moment before sighing. “What?”
John licks his lips out of habit. “I know you don’t want to talk to me right now and I understand that. But I…I’d like to see my daughter.”
Heat rushes to my face instantly and I feel my throat burn, outraged by the request. “Absolutely not.”
I begin to close the door again but he stops me. “Lexi, you can’t not let me see her. I told you what happened. Leaving my family was the last thing I wanted to do-“
“But you did,” I bark, feeling my eyelids spark with fire, shifting to black. I blink and take a deep breath to stay calm and let my eyes return to normal. He was staring at me wide eyes, his lips parted as if he couldn’t think of a proper response.
I grit my teeth and square my shoulders. “You can’t see her.”
“Lexi, I’m not asking for anything. I just wanna see my little girl.”
“Well I can’t let you,” I mutter.
His jaw sets. “Why not?”
“She’s sleeping,” I tell him, not that it would matter if she were awake. He still wouldn’t be let around her.
John sighs, pacing a few steps outside my door as he pushes his hands through his hair. “You can’t forbid me from seeing her, Lex. It’s been almost a whole year!”
“I’m her mother,” I hiss through my gritted teeth. “I can forbid anyone or anything from being allowed into her life. I decide what’s best for her, and that’s not you.”
“But I’m her father,” he breathes, deflating. He looked tired and defeated.
I look away from his silent pleading eyes. “I’ve made it clear already. I won’t allow you into either of our lives.”
John scoffs, looking out into the trees as he bites down on his lip. “And whose benefit is that really for Lex; Yours, or hers?” He gives me one last hard glance before turning on his heel and moving down the porch steps, leaving me stooped. I felt like he’d snuck a hand inside my chest and scooped me out. I didn’t want him around Angela for the mere reason that I didn’t want to have to be around him. He was right and I hated it.
Just another thing to add to the list.
I take a deep breath before finally shutting the door. The way he looked at me was almost cold when I refused him. Maybe we were just learning to hate each other.
The soft whimper breaks me out of my train of thought and I freeze, listening for a moment. Angela was crying, calling out for someone. Panic instantly flooded me as I rush towards the room. What if it was John? What if in my reluctance to let him see her and in his anger, he was trying to take her from me out of spite?
I storm through the door and feel the pang in my gut at the back that was facing me, Angela out of her cribs and in their arms. But the back was too broad and arms too big to be John, and relief fills me when I recognize the back of their head.
“Chris,” I whisper, running over and throwing my arms around him as he held Angela. He chuckles, carefully hugging me with a hand placed on my back. I quickly pull pack and look down at Angela. “What’s wrong with her?”
“I think she just wanted to be held,” he mumbles. He meets my eyes and speaks in a low voice. “I couldn’t help but overhear. Riley told me everything.”
My eyebrows furrow in confusion. So he’s had time to talk to Riley but he hasn’t to call me back? “Where have you been?” I ask.
He blinks, innocent. “I’ve been busy. Had to visit home. You understand.”
I nod silently, knowing that must mean he went to see his friend. He wouldn’t have disappeared if it wasn’t important-
I shake my head and sigh, slowly taking Angie from his arms to soothe her. Chris watches me closely, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “How’ve you been holding up?”
“Honestly, I don’t know,” I mumble, quieting Angela’s cries as I rest her up on my shoulder. “After hearing the whole story, it makes me wish I hadn’t wasted all that time missing him.”
He purses his lips. “Well, you can’t help missing someone, Lexi.”
“Yeah, just wish it could have been anyone else but him.” I lay Angela back in her crib, bringing her pacifier to her mouth.
Chris is quiet, as if hesitating before saying, “We love who we love. Sucks.”
I turn to him with a glare. “I don’t love him.”
“Well, you can’t deny that you used to.”
I give a scoff. “He should have just stayed gone.” I pause, realizing I was being selfish again. I couldn’t believe that he’d been the one to break my heart and I was the one feeling guilty. Who would Angela have aside from me if I didn’t let him be a part of her life? Who would she be? Would she feel incomplete?
“You know you have to let John see her,” Chris muses, as if reading my mind.
I groan in annoyance. He was taking his side over mine; of course he was. Was nobody with me on this?
“Look, I know he put you through a lot,” he starts. “But you can’t forbid him from getting to know his daughter. You also can’t hold him accountable for everything out of your control-“
“Course I can,” I mumble, crossing my arms. “He’s caused most of it. There’s always an aftermath.”
Chris rolls his eyes. “You can blame a man for breaking a glass, but you can’t blame them for the next person that steps on one because he missed picking up a few pieces. He’s picked up a lot of pieces, Lex. All so every step you take is safe and your feet stay perfectly uncut. You’re that precious to him.”
I bite my lip and keep my eyes trained on the baby. “Where were you three days ago when I needed this,” I mumble. Looking up, I raise an eyebrow. “Why didn’t you answer my calls?”
He chuckles. “Believe it or not, I missed them. I didn’t want to call back at a bad time. Figured you might have a few things to work out.”
“Yeah but I didn’t want to,” I whisper, lowering my head as my dark hair falls over my eyes. Chris sighs and pulls me into him. “Hey, it’s okay.”
My hands rest over his chest as I feel my lip quiver. I was tired of feeling pathetic and like I needed someone. Angela has been my number one priority, but my strength has been wearing thin.
“I know you’re in a tough spot, Lexi, but you have to consider what Angela needs,” he murmurs. “Besides, you can’t be both things. That would be too much for you. You need someone that will be able to help you along the way.”
Closing my eyes, I focus on his hand running up and down my back. Chris knew how to calm me down and has been beyond supportive with Angela. I don’t think he realized what a big help he’d been. “You’ve helped me,” I mumble, letting his fingers soothe me.
He sighs softly and pulls back, his baby blue eyes holding mine. His thumb brushes across my cheek and I feel my heart thump nervously when he begins to lean down. Our lips touch cautiously, testing the waters as he moves his hands down my arms. I blink rapidly as they smack together quietly and close my eyes. I didn’t know what to do, as if I was drunk and forgotten how to kiss. I was only aware of his full lips and rough beard that had grown out a bit. My hand raises to his neck, fingers grazing the brittle hairs as his lips wet mine. He had a perfect mouth, but I didn’t know what to do with it.
I break the kiss slowly, awkwardly trying to hide my flushed face as I look away. I could feel Chris’s gaze and he breathes, “What is it?”
I bite my lip, feeling guilty for multiple reasons. “It feels wrong.”
He lets out a light laugh and pulls away, almost in relief. “It feels like kissing my sister.”
I giggle before shoving on his chest and laugh it off with him. It was just a kiss and there had been no harm in trying to figure out what was there. There wasn’t any tension because things were just easy with us.
Chris looks to me and pats down my hair. “It feels wrong because you know I’m not the one you should be kissing.”
I roll my eyes. “Okay, you lost me.”
He chuckles and presses a comforting peck to my forehead. “No matter what he did to you, he’s still her father, Lex. He still loves her and he may have hurt you and maybe you don’t need him anymore but that doesn’t change that she still needs him. She needs her father.” He smiles gently. “And I know you still love him enough to at least give him that.”
My thoughts were a big collected jumble of “Don’t listen to him! Think of how much he hurt you” but I could quickly feel my walls crumbling down. It was hard to try and be stubborn when everyone around me was saying the same thing. Now it was one constant battle between my head and my heart. The only one fighting me for what I wanted was me.
I wanted for Angela to grow up with a family. But could I put my own selfish reasons aside?
Yours or hers?
I sigh in defeat before looking up at Chris. “Are you secretly that little conscience guy on my shoulder but just really really huge?”
He chuckles before grasping my arm. “Go talk to him. I’m going to try to not stick around to give you two some time to work everything out. Call me when he doesn’t wanna murder me.”
I raise an eyebrow. “He doesn’t know you.”
“Yeah, but he’ll want to when he does,” he muses and opens the door before stopping himself. “You wanna maybe help me out here? It’d look bad if he saw me walk out.”
I grin and flick my wrist, calling to the shadows before opening a pathway for him. “Sure you won’t get lost?”
“Nah, been through a dozen times.” He smirks. “Only took a bad route once.”
With a snort, I walk over and hug him one last time, grateful for the countless advice he’d given me. “I hope you come back soon,” I mutter.
“Me, too, Lex,” he mumbles. “G’luck with everything. I’m gonna say bye to the little one and be on my way.”
I release him, watching as he glides around to the crib, reaching down and touching her forehead lightly. “Later, alligator,” he says quietly. Chris rises to full height again, giving me a quick salute before taking his leave. The shadow disperses as the room falls into silence. I look down at Angela, her eyes wide and almost knowing as she stared at me.
“Fine,” I sigh with guilt. “But I’m only doing it for you.”
Finding Evangeline in her room to keep an eye on her, I wander out into the forest, figuring he couldn’t have gotten far. My guess was that he’d be staying near the cabin anyway.
“What are you doing?”
I gasp and and jump at the clarity of his voice, swiveling around to face him. He steps under a low branch to move closer and I step back. “I…I was looking for you.”
He quirks an eyebrow, licking his lips. “What, are you giving me a restraining order? Look Lexi, I don’t care what you tell me, I can stick around here if I want to. I’m going to keep an eye out for my daughter, even if it’s from afar. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last year and that’s not going to change-“
“Do you have a place to stay?”
He blinks, my words catching him off guard. “What?”
I feel my breath shaky from how close he was and keep my eyes trained on his chest. “Somewhere to stay. I’m not just going to make you sleep on the ground in front of the house like some dog.”
“But I thought…”
I sigh and meet his eyes. “You can see Angela. She’ll need you around, if not now then eventually. But I want you as far from me as possible.” His eyes begin to widen, a spark of hope in them but I shoot him a warning look. “I’ll draw a line on the floor if I have to. Don’t talk to me unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
His lips lift slowly and he leans over to speak in a low voice. “I’ve never been one for boundaries and following orders.”
“This isn’t a joke, John. If you want to be in her life, you’re going to have to.”
He glances at me for a moment before backing away. “Can I see her now?”
I nod. “Only for a bit, I need to get her to fall back asleep or she’ll be up all night later.”
John exhales and touches my hand, his fingers brushing and linking loosely with mine. “Thank you,” he murmurs sincerely.
I pull my hand away and walk around him. “You might have to dodge a whack or two from Ev.”
He follows without another word as we make our way inside the cabin, the atmosphere shifting in the small space with John in it again. It should feel back to normal, but it doesn’t. It was going to take some adjusting to.
Ev steps out of the room, as if sensing his presence and sending him a narrow glare. “You dare step foot in here again-“
“It’s okay, Ev,” I mumble. “I told him he could stay here to be closer to Angela.”
“And who decided this?!”
“I did,” I tell her firmly, feeling John duck behind me.
She huffs and shakes her head, a few grey strands falling loose from her bun. “I should have been informed. I don’t want this ratty old demon in my house without my permission.”
I sigh. “I know and I’m sorry. We can discuss it later; you deserve to be included. But right now I promised him he could see Angie. And I don’t back out of promises.”
I could feel the underlying tone of my words, and I’m sure John knew they were meant for him.
Evangeline looks between us before grumbling, “Fine. But he does all the housework!”
“Bones aren’t workin’ for ya anymore?” he mutters.
She sends him a piercing glance before turning to me. “And if he keeps up the remarks, I personally get to send him back.”
“Sounds fine to me,” I muse, raising my eyebrow at him over my shoulder. He rolls his eyes. “I’ll behave.”
With a sigh, I turn the knob and open the door slowly, hoping that maybe she’d fallen back asleep and I had the excuse to make him wait. But when I walk over, she’s waving a toy around as she tries to prop herself up to stand.
I look over at John by the door, his eyes full of emotion as he steps closer. Angela manages to grip the edge of the railing and looks up at him curiously through her bright violet eyes, little lips parted.
“Hey, Angela,” he coos softly. His hand goes to her short dark hair and bites his lip to hold back a smile. “You’ve gotten so big, baby girl.”
I avert my eyes to avoid witnessing him pick her up. It killed me to watch them interact, to see how gentle he was, to see how much he’d actually missed her, to act so fatherly when he could have been at home doing the exact same thing.
Maybe I was in denial and didn’t want to admit the fulfillment it gave me to see them together again. For once in nearly a year, the three of us were in the same room. In one way or another, we were complete.
Or maybe it was because it was her let him hold and not me.
John presses his lips softly to the top of her head and sighs. “I’m back, baby. Daddy’s not gonna go anywhere, okay?”
My stomach twists achingly as Angela reaches out and touches his cheek, then grabbing his nose. He chuckles. “Yeah, it’s me, angel. Your daddy.”
“Dada,” she recites and the air gets caught in my throat. I tried for months to get her to say mommy, and he hasn’t been here for five minutes. Even with Chris around all this time, deep down she still knew. Maybe she needed him more than I thought.
John stares at her in wonder, eyes glistening. “Yeah, baby. Dada.” He kisses her forehead firmly, eyes scrunched tight. “Your dada.”
He turns when he hears me sniff and steps closer, his thumb swiping beneath my eye and catching a tear. I turn my head and swallow the lump in my throat. “I think that’s enough for today.”
“What?” he reels back slightly when I reach for Angela and frowns. “But I just got a few minutes. Just give me a bit more.”
“John-“
“I’ll even put her to sleep for you if you want,” he muses as Angela begins to chew on his shirt, drooling onto him.
I wince. “I-I can’t. Just give me some time to-“
He licks his lips. “Please. Just one more minute.”
I clench my jaw and stare at the two of them. It hurt to see him hold her when we weren’t anywhere near the perfect family. We were too broken for that.
My voice cracks. “I’m sorry. You need to go.”
He sighs, gently placing her back in his crib and pulling him from his shirt that she was gripping so tightly. “Your mom’s right. I’ll see you the next time you open your eyes, alright, angel?”
She starts to whimper softly and he smooths down her hair. “Shhhh. I’ll still be here. I promise, baby girl.”
John stands and glances at me. “I’ll take up the couch.”
He brushes past me and I exhale shakily, my vision blurring. I knew then it was going to be a lot harder to let him back in than it was keeping him out.
This fight that I was having with myself;
I couldn’t win.