Bad Luck Hannah

I sat on the hood of Josh's car nervously, twisting my fingers in my jacket as he talked to Ronnie, someone I had never met before but apparently was going to be at the party tomorrow night.
Though, at some point, I think Josh had explained to me that it wasn't really a "party", per se, but more a get together of all their friends from Red and a few who were out of town. He'd also warned me that there would be smoking, which I had no problem with.
As long as I didn't have to be involved.
I leaned back on my palms, letting my gaze wander up to the clear sky; it was rare it was actually blue and there was sunlight, so it was a nice change. Usually it was all cloudy and rainy and just downright depressing, though it pretty much fit my mood all the time.
Well, maybe not so much now.
I didn't feel like such a loser when I was around Josh.
He laughed at whatever Ronnie was saying as he leaned back against the car, his hand absently patting my knee before resting there. I doubt he even knew he was touching me, but it was nice knowing he liked too; plus I felt like he was laying a claim, making sure his friend knew I was his... whatever I was... and not to bother.
And as much as I didn't want to be "claimed" or whatever, it felt nice knowing he was at least a little protective.
Or overly.
Because I had been such an idiot and eventually blurted out to him that Chris had kissed me --- it had been all I could do to make sure Josh didn't blow a gasket and run home and try to beat up his best friend; I felt more regret over telling him then I did Chris actually kissing me.
And I hadn't seen Chris in days.
He wasn’t even coming to school, so I know he had to feel bad as well. I'd thought about texting him, but I didn't want to make Josh mad at me; I also didn’t want it to become a thing that I was hiding from him, either.
I didn’t want it to be like that.
I hated secrets.
"Yo, so I'll see you tomorrow at the house? Seven sharp?"
"Dude, if Tommy's there, you'll have a hard time getting rid of me," Ronnie laughed, shooting Josh a grin. He seemed nice, black haired with a lot of piercings and really tall. Josh hadn't formally introduced us, but I'd seen him around in the library. He was never actually reading books or anything, he was just torturing the teachers when they had class visits.
I don't think he even knew I existed until now.
"So," Ronnie glanced over curiously where I was leaning, "this your girl?"
"Yeah. Hannah, Ronnie. Ronnie, Hannah," Josh gestured his hand, and this time it fell on my thigh when he let it fall. I forced a smile at him, noticing that he noticed Joshs very possessive gesture.
"Cool. You're from here, right? I don't remember you from Red."
Um.
"Yeah, she's from here," Josh answered for me, and my eyes flicked to his face. "Not all of them are as bad as they seem."
I frowned at him.
Bad?
"I can see that. I just hate you found a good one before I did," he gave me a crooked grin. "Nice t shirt."
I looked down at my --- or rather Joshs --- Ghost Inside shirt, feeling my cheeks tinge. This obviously wasn't my shirt, it was big on me anyway, and I was pretty sure the way Ronnie was looking at it made it clear he knew who it belonged too.
"Looks good on her, right?" Josh tugged at the hem, and I felt my face redden even more. "I figured it would."
"Ah, so you're already exchanging clothes, huh? I guess if I see you in a pink sweater I'll know not to worry," Ronnie chuckled, and Josh grinned, seeming to relax a little bit now.
"Riiight, man. So I'll see you tomorrow."
"Aight. See ya man."
"He... Seems nice." I said after a moment, making sure he was far enough away where he wouldn't hear me.
"Yeah, Rons cool. Tries to get to many girls tho. He can't handle them all," Josh chuckled, turning to look at me. "Gets himself into some binds."
"I can see that."
He sent me a crooked smile before leaning forward, pressing a kiss against my nose. "You're cute when you agree with me."
I felt my cheeks tinge again, and I pressed my lips against a smile, hastily looking down.
"Of course," he murmured, stepping to where he was leaning against my knees, bracing his hands on either side of my hips as he leaned his lips against my ear, "I think you're even cuter when you blush."
He must think I was cute all the time, then.
He pressed a little closer, so after a moment I hesitantly parted my knees, letting him slip between them so he could lean against the car between my thighs. I think he actually gave a triumphant grin before he buried his face in my hair, and I rolled my eyes.
Really?
I knew I was kind of uptight, but was it really that big of a triumph just for ---.
"So, you know what I was thinking?"
"Hmm?"
"Why don't we head out to the field for the rest of the day?"
"The field?"
"Mhmhmm. I brought you there that once, remember? I know it's across town, but we could actually hang out together and no one bother us," I felt him give another grin against my neck, and I realized I had tilted my head to make it easier for him. I was really getting too comfortable with him.
"You mean, like for a picnic?" I asked innocently, repressing my smile.
"Well," he paused slightly from nuzzling my neck, "a picnic of sorts."
I chuckled.
I had to admit, messing with him and making him think I didn't know what he meant was a lot more fun then I thought it would be.
"I wouldn't mind that," I said after a second, debating. "As long as you've brought out the whole checkered blanket and basket with plenty to eat in it."
"Trust me, there'll be plenty to eat," he murmured in my ear, and I bit my lip, feeling my face suddenly go crimson.
Well, um.
Oh.
Uh.
"Jesus Christ, can you fucking guys get a room already?"
Josh pulled away from me, annoyed as his smirky friend Ryan walked towards us, backpack slung over one shoulder and a his trademark smirk on his face; I really didnt like him, though I wasnt exactly sure why.
It was after school, and unless you were in sports or clubs --- or detention --- most everyone had cleared out already. The parking lot was mostly empty except for Josh and Devins cars, but I think, from what Josh had mentioned, that Devin and Kylie had joined the art club thing or whatever, so they were usually later after school on certain days.
Which meant Ricky and Ryan were gonna have to catch more rides with Chris and Josh, and considering Chris hadn't even come to school today...
Dammit.
So much for Josh's picnic.
He seemed to realize that too, because he was beyond annoyed when Ryan informed him he needed a ride home, and that Ricky and Jessica weren't far behind.
"Jessica?" Josh had a pained look on his face. "She's still here?"
"Of course she's still here, when is she not attached to Ricky's dick?" Ryan rolled his eyes, letting his bag drop to the ground before leaning against the front of the car. His eyes flicked to me. "Er, sorry. Don't mean to harm your virgin ears."
I dont think my face could get any redder.
Okay, so this was probably why I didn't like him.
He was a dick.
I didn't say anything, just turned away to look back out over the football field. I could see my dark-haired brother running around doing drills with the other members, and I could see the girls soccer team on the other field getting ready, strapping on shin guards and stuff.
You'd think living in such a cold, rainy state, we would have more indoor sports then out, but apparently not.
Like who cares if the students get pnuemonia as long as their test scores were still great, right?
Our school system sucked so badly.
I sighed, and Josh's fingers suddenly flexed on my thigh.
"So Ron's coming tomorrow," he said suddenly, glancing over at Ryan. "I think Andy's coming too, just to make it a bash. Tommy RSVP'd right?"
"Yep. Gonna be here probably about the time everyone else will," Ryan informed him, fumbling through his backpack for something. "Haven't seen him in a couple weeks, and I heard he's bringing some shit so Ricky can restock."
"Good," Josh sounded a little relieved. "I was beginning to wonder."
Drugs.
They were literally talking about drugs in the school parking lot.
Was this really what I wanted to get invovled in? I mean, I'd only seen Josh and all of them uber high that one time at school when they were going to do drug tests, all the other times I must not have noticed. I suppose they seemed the type, considering they were from Red, which had a reputation for being a... I don't want to say trashier, that's not what I meant at all, because it wasn't, but... it wasn't as preppy as Greneth maybe? More laid back?
Which is why most of its students looked like something out of a Cheech and Chong movie.
In my opinion anyway.
Ryan suddenly flicked a lighter, the end of his cigarrette glowing as he puffed on it a few times.
Smoking in the school parking lot.
Yes.
Yes this was definitely the crowd I wanted to be hanging around.
Mom would just be so thrilled.
But technically this was all her fault because she literally kept trying to give me to Josh with a freaking bow on my head.
So now here I was, sitting on his car, his hands all over me while his friend smoked and we waited on his other friends to get out of detention.
This wasn't really something that I wanted to become a habit.
I frowned at myself.
They weren't bad people, his friends. I... I'd thought Chris was really nice, and Ricky seemed okay fifty percent of the time; I'd never actually met his girlfriend at all. Devin was really sweet, and Kylie seemed to keep him in line and not let his friends get the best of him.
All in all they were okay, except for Smirky over there.
Great, now I made him sound like he was one of the Seven Dwarves or something.
Stoner Dwarves, that is.
Heh.
"What's so funny?"
Oops.
My eyes flicked up to Josh's face, seeing him blinking down at me, and I hastily just shrugged, not wanting to hurt his feelings with what I thought about his friends. I quickly leaned forward, pressing my face against his shoulder so I wouldnt have to smell the smoke.
He smelled so nice, like detergent and whatever cologne he decided to wear, and I think it had to be one of my favorite things about him. I loved it when guys smelled good, I thought they were all the more attractive; not that I honestly ever got too close to them to sniff them out, either.
Okay, I needed to stop.
I was sounding stupid to even myself.
"So, Hannah, have you ever met Ricky's wonderful pick of a girl?" I heard Ryan ask me, and I shook my head without even looking at him. "Really? Aren't you lucky. She's a real piece of work, that Jessica. Will bone anything that's interested. Nympho is brought to a whole new level."
Ew.
Just ew.
"Ryan, come on," Josh muttered.
"What? You know it's true. Girl is probably so big Ricky can fit his ---."
"Hey guys!"
I winced, hearing Ricky's chipper voice.
Did he have any idea how badly everyone talked about his girlfriend?
What made it so much worse was that all of it was probably true. I tried not to be judgmental, but even I, of all people, had noticed her messing around on Ricky, especially around my brother and his friends.
She really loved attention.
I shifted as I glanced over at them, seeing Jessica had her fingers clasped through Rickys, sunglasses on her eyes to shield against the rare sunlight as she trotted toward us.
"How long you asses gonna have detention?" Josh sounded annoyed as they neared. "Not all of us enjoy waiting for you after school."
"Well, we got another week of it for PDA," Ricky rolled his light eyes as he finally stopped near us, shaking his head. "Mr. Harrow is such a dick."
"For fucks sake, guys. Rick, you really need to get your own ride," Josh huffed as he finally leaned away from me, fishing through his pocket for his keys. "Like seriously."
"Well, you wouldnt have to worry about it if Devin wasn't lame and whipped and followed Kylie into whatever she wanted," He retorted. "And if Chris wasn't being such a baby and laying out, we would have a ride."
I winced.
Josh stiffened a little, looking through his keys and stepping back, pulling me off the hood of his car in the process.
"God, I never realized how short you were," Ryan said the moment my feet hit the asphalt. "You're like a little pixie. What are you, five foot?"
I ignored him, lifting my bag over my shoulder as Josh unlocked the car, motioning everyone around to get inside.
I could feel Jessica staring at me like she was trying to dissect me, and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable as I crawled into the passengers side, everyone else getting into the back.
Ryan made Ricky get into the middle so he wouldnt have to sit by Jessica.
This was almost embarrassing.
"I'll drop you assholes off by the house," Josh said as he turned on his car, music I didn't recognize immediately filling the speakers.
"Why? You got plans or something?" Ryan asked, hastily buckling his seatbelt when Josh hit the brakes a little harder then necessary at the stop sign for the highway.
"None of your business."
"Huh. Fine. What's his business, Hannah Montana? Does he have secret romantic plans to elope into the sunset with some mystery woman?"
Did he have to be so annoying?
Did my ignoring him completely not clue him in that I didn't want to talk to him?
And why did he call me Hannah Montana!?
Irritated, I glanced at him over my shoulder, seeing he was grinning. He knew he was getting under my skin and he was completely enjoying it.
Dickhead.
I turned away from him, crossing my arms as I leaned back against my seat, gazing out the window.
"Dont mind Ryan, he's an asshole, Hannah," I heard Ricky say from the background. "He likes to try to make himself sound cool."
"I AM cool, what are you talking about?"
"You're a dickhead is what you are," Jessica spoke for the first time, her voice a little high and irritated sounding. "You're always a dickhead."
"You like dicks a lot, so I don't see what the ---."
"Guys, that's enough," Josh snapped, his eyes flicking into the rearview mirror. "Shut the hell up and continue that at home, got it? I'm not in the mood for it."
There was a sullen silence from the backseat, and I tried not to smile.
It was like a pair of siblings who just got in trouble with their parents.
I don't think I was more relieved to see Josh's house appear in the distance, the gravel crunching under the tires. I looked curiously as I saw a gray pick up truck parked by the shed, and Josh hit the brakes so abruptly all of us kind of flew forward.
"Shit!" he burst, staring at the truck like it was going to attack at any moment. "Shit, fuck, hell ---."
"I guess it's a good thing we mowed the grass finally, huh?" Ryan commented, but he looked kind of nervous as well.
What was the issue?
Who did the truck belong too?
Josh glanced at me, then back at the truck, and gave the most pained sigh I'd ever heard. His foot eased off the brake, and slowly his car coasted to its normal parking spot. He put it in park, and I'd never seen his friends disappear any quicker and so quietly.
"Um, Han, stay in the car, okay?" he said as he unbuckled. "I'll be right back."
"O-Ok."
He stepped out of the car, and then over to where the truck was parked. I saw a rather buff looking man step out of the shed, wiping his hands on a rag. He was really tan, black haired and he had a lot of stubble, so much I could see it from the driveway, so I suppose it was more of a beard then.
Josh stopped quite a bit from him, and they talked for a moment, the man gesturing back at the car, and Josh merely shrugged, looking down at his feet.
The man said something again, and Josh shook his head, his eyes never leaving the ground.
Who was that guy?
Was... was that his dad?
They didn't look anything alike in my opinion, his dad a stockier build and looking like he was into cutting timber or something. I glanced at his truck, seeing the logo for a really popular construction company.
Well, that made a little more sense.
I let my eyes trail back to Josh, seeing he was extremely tense, and he almost looked like he was getting berated for something.
I frowned, and let my seatbelt slip off, my fingers curling around the door handle. Should I go out there and do something? I hated to interrupt, I hated to get under the scrutiny of his dad, but I'd never seen Josh look so uncomfortable before.
Dammit.
I didn't want him to be uncomfortable.
I was uncomfortable all the time, he didn't need to feel that way too.
So I stepped out of the car before my brain could realize how bad of an idea this was, and I closed the door a little loudly, making sure the two of them heard it.
Both of them turned to look at me as I started over towards them, and god did I wish they would look away. I hated it when people just looked at me when I walked, it made me feel sort of stupid, and I was more prone to tripping when they did,
Fortunately I made it over fine, stopping beside Josh.
I hesitated, then let my eyes flick up to his dad, who was probably borderline six feet tall, seeing his dark eyes glancing me over; now I was really glad I'd zipped up my jacket and looked halfway decent.
And I should probably say something.
"Um, hi," I forced a smile, my fingers slipping through Josh's where they hovered at his side, completely stiff. "I'm, I'm Hannah."
"Well, hi, Hannah, I'm Anthony," Josh's dad gave me a wan smile. "Are you Josh's girlfriend?"
"Yeah," Josh nodded his head, his fingers squeezing mine so tightly I was afraid he was going to cut off the circulation. "She is."
"Huh." His dads eyes trailed over my hair. "You're cute together."
I could feel the red creeping up my face again.
"Dad." Even Josh looked embarrassed.
His dad chuckled slightly, turning away from us as he looked back at the shed. "I'll finish up working on the truck, then I'll be back at the house. Where are you two kids off too?"
"Just to get something to eat. Hannah's parents invited me over for dinner again."
"Again, eh? You didn't say..." his dad suddenly stopped. "Well, you two have fun then, be careful. I'll see you later."
"Yep. Bye, Dad." Josh abruptly turned, and I nearly tripped with how quick he whirled and started to drag me behind him, his fingers locked in mine so I couldn't go anywhere. He quickly grabbed my door and ushered me in before practically running to his side of the car and jumping inside, looking like he'd never been so relieved to leave his house in his life.
And I don't think he'd ever left his driveway so quick, either.
I glanced at him worriedly, knotting my fingers together in my lap as we sped along the highway, and I was assuming he was still heading for the field; my parents weren't even home this week. Mom worked late and Dad was off on his trip.
Should I say something? I wondered, seeing his withdrawn expression, lips pressed tightly together and hands clenched on the wheel. He looked so upset, and I'd never seen him this way, and I didn't know what I was supposed to do to make him feel better.
He always did stuff to make me feel better, why couldnt I return the favor?
I chewed my lip, the silence in the car almost painful --- even with the music on it was tense and unbearable.
And it was such a long ride to the field.
I stared down at my hands for most of the ride, and was beyond relieved when we finally pulled to a stop, the tall grass rising up on either side of the car as he parked it, his fingers lingering on the gear shift.
I stared at him, his black hair falling on either side of his face and blocking his expression from me, the light reflecting off his piercings the only thing I could see.
Should I say something?
What was I supposed to do?
How did I make him feel better?
I let my eyes trail down to his hands, and then hesitantly reached over, placing my cold one over his warm. He glanced down, then over, meeting my eyes.
The normally bright blue was dark, muddled with some kind of emotion but I wasn't sure what.
He hated seeing his dad, I knew that, but it was more then that, especially since it made him feel so bad.
But what was wrong?
Could I make it better?
"Are... are you okay?" I asked after a second, forcing myself to not break our gaze. "Josh?"
He looked away, and nodded, slipping his hand away from mine and stepping out of the car.
I sighed, quickly doing the same, seeing him grab a blanket from the trunk and toss it across the ground in front of the car.
I leaned against the hood as I watched him, crossing my arms. I wanted to make him feel better, I didn't like thinking that seeing his dad brought up bad feelings or something.
He took a step back when he got the blanket situated like he wanted it, and then turned to glance back at me where I leaned, just staring at him. He frowned a second, stepping over to my side, offering his hand.
I hesitated, then took it, but I tugged, pulling him over to me instead of going with him to the blanket. He stepped up to me, and I let go of his hands so I could curl my arms around his chest, pulling him against me.
I burrowed my face into his jacket, wishing I could do more then just offer comfort like this, but it was all I had.
He was stiff at first, but then after a few seconds he relaxed, and I felt his arms close around my back, face into my hair.
"Its... its okay," I murmured, unsure if he could even hear my muffled voice. "Whatever's wrong... its gonna be okay, alright?" I rubbed his back in what I hoped was soothing, and I felt him sigh against my neck, his breath warm.
"I hate seeing my dad," he muttered, closing his eyes, his lashes lightly brushing my skin as he held me back. "He makes me feel like shit about myself."
"W-why?" I couldn't see why his dad wouldn't be proud of him. Sure, Josh might not have the best grades or record, but he was a really good person. I'd never seen him be cruel to anyone, if he saw something he didn't like happening to someone, he'd help them out if he could. When Jason was mean to me, he always tried to help and scare him off, and he was there for his friends no matter the situation.
How could he not be proud of his son?
"I'm not what he wanted," Josh mumbled after a moment, and I hesitated, my fingers stilling against his back. "I'm not like him, straight A's and football and all that bullshit. I don't wanna do the shit he does, I don't wanna get stuck here in this fucking town for the rest of my life. I don't... we're nothing alike."
I frowned, and his grip around me tightened slightly.
"All he sees when he looks at me is disappointment, a fuck up," he said, his voice slightly choked up. "Or my mom. he can't really even look at me without having to look away. I'm a total fucking disaster to him."
"You're NOT a disaster, Josh!" the words came out of my mouth before I could even think about them. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, you're perfect."
"Perfect? yeah right," he snorted, shaking his head as he pulled away from me. "How can you say that?"
"Because you are," I frowned, gazing up at him. "You're... you're one of the sweetest guys I've ever met. You might not do everything right, but you try. You're genuine when you help people," I brushed some hair out of his eyes, letting my hand cup his cheek. "I can't find anything wrong with you."
He stared at me, looking a little surprised. Then he looked away, as if he felt guilty over something, his gaze refusing to meet mine. "You can't say that, Han..."
"Why not?" I frowned, wishing I wasn't so short and that I could make him look at me, make him look me in the eyes for once. "You've always taken care of me when I needed it, and I've seen you stand up for a lot of people through the school when you thought they were being bullied. You're a really good person, Josh, and sometimes that's all that matters."
His eyes slowly roved back to mine, and he just looked at me, not saying anything.
Too much?
Did I say something wrong?
I'd only said what I thought was right, and all of it was true; it was what I thought of him, anyway.
And then it was like something snapped in him.
His hands were suddenly clasping my face, his eyes not leaving mine as he stared at me with an expression I couldn't even name.
"Why are you so fucking wonderful?" He muttered abruptly, and then his lips were crushing mine, so hard I had to lean back against the car. I let my fingers curl into his t shirt, feeling like something was different.
He'd never kissed me this way before.
It was like a hungry, powerful kiss, meaningful, though I wasn't sure of what. His fingers were curling in my hair, holding me in place, his body pressing against mine.
And suddenly he was lifting me up, sitting me on top of the car and pushing between my thighs. I let my arms slip around his neck, kissing him back the best I could manage, his hands clenching around my hips as he pushed his body against mine.
Oh my.
I felt his hands rove up my back, slipping beneath my shirt and jacket to brush bare skin, his kisses only becoming more hot, more intense.
And I was suddenly feeling overly warm.
Oh hell.
I closed my eyes as his lips suddenly found my neck, teeth slipping softly into my skin, and I gasped in surprise, my fingers knotting in his hair.
I don't think I'd ever felt this warm before, not like this.
He mumbled something against my throat, and then I was on my back against the car hood, huffing slightly at the force of it, and he was kissing me again, his lips forceful and completely conquering mine.
That's just what he was right now, forceful.
And I kind of liked it.
He crawled over top of me, his chest pressing down against mine, his hips between my thighs, hands roving my body like he didn't want to stop touching me, like he didn't want to miss a single spot.
And I didn't want him too.
His hand slipped up the front of my body, and I bit his lip, tugging the way he'd taught me and I knew he really liked. He groaned, and it was like the sound went straight into my stomach, making it knot and ---.
"J-Josh!" I gasped, his lips on my neck. His hips were grinding against mine, and I could feel his fingers working on the button of my jeans, but I, I wasn't sure that I wanted it go that far yet ---.
"W-wait!"
And now I was suddenly panicked, I definitely didn't want to take this too far, no matter how much I wanted to cheer him up or how much I wanted to do things right now, I just --- I wasn't ready for that.
I felt the button of my jeans open, and my fingers curled around his wrist just as hand started down them, my entire body starting to tense in sudden, I dont even know how to describe the feeling --- it was like I just went stiff, despite the fact I'd felt so good seconds before, and my chest was tight, and I just, I just ---.
"Josh, w-wait," I whispered. "I, I d-don't --- please, I ---."
I felt him hesitate, as if my words were just now getting through to him, and the strain against my grip suddenly went away. He was abruptly lifting himself off of me, suddenly no longer touching me at all.
"Fuck," he muttered, shaking his head as he stepped back. I sat up hastily, quickly pulling my jacket back up my shoulder as I felt the sudden chill, both of us panting for breath.
I felt my face got hot, and I looked down immediately, feeling stupid. He'd probably never had issues with a girl like this before, and I felt so pathetic. Other girls my age were already sleeping with their boyfriends, why did it absolutely send me into a panic when he just tried to, to ---.
This was humiliating.
I was so stupid and a loser, and I'd probably just made everything worse.
I hesitated before glancing up at Josh, seeing he'd turned his back to me, facing the field as he ran his fingers through his hair, his entire body tense.
I could feel the tears starting to press against my eyes, but I tried to fight them back, not wanting to make this situation go from bad to disastrous.
Why was I so afraid to take it a little farther?
I just, I just wasn't.
I wasn't comfortable in my own skin, let alone letting someone else touch it.
God I was so stupid.
And he probably thought I was some kind of tease or something, but I hadn't meant to be, I hadn't meant to, to ---.
And now I was crying.
Great.
I hastily wiped at my face before he noticed, lowering my head immediately, staring at my lap.
This was humiliating.
I always humiliated myself.
I felt so, so inadequate.
"I'm sorry," I finally managed after a moment, tightening my jacket around my shoulders, my throat tight. I wanted to say more, but if I did he would be able to tell that I was upset, and I didn't want him to know.
"It's fine," he sighed, pacing slightly. "Don't worry about it."
But I was worrying about it.
I picked at my jeans, feeling the silence build heavily between us, and it only made me feel worse.
But I didn't want to do anything to try to make it better, because I WOULD make it so much worse.
That was just what I did.
And now that he knew how pathetic I was, he would probably move on.
Not that I could blame him.
"Look, Hannah," Josh suddenly gave a heavy sigh, and my eyes flicked up as he turned to face me, his face pinched, "I'm sorry, I didnt mean to --- to pressure you like that. I wasn't gonna take it that far, I just --- fuck, I dunno." he shook his head, running his fingers down his face.
He needed some kind of relief, but it wasn't something I could give him.
Got it.
"I think, I think I should, should j-just go home," I mumbled, my arms curled around my knees. It would probably be the best thing for both of us if we weren't around each other right now.
"Right, I --- I'll take you back," he muttered, turning away from me to nab the blanket off the ground, flicking it to get the grass off, and I hastily stood as he did, zipping and buttoning my jeans quickly before he turned around.
I quickly darted around the side of the car, getting inside and shutting the door before he'd even made it to the trunk to put the blanket away.
God this was so bad.
I'd made it so awkward.
I shouldn't have even said anything.
I stared at my lap as he finally got into the car, pressing my lips together, though I was relieved when he turned the heat on. He didnt say anything as he put it in reverse, quickly backing out of the field.
The drive back was a lot worse then even earlier.
It was completely tense, neither of us talking, or looking at each other, and I knew this was all my fault, that I had made him feel bad and I didn't have any idea on how to make it better.
It really shouldn't be this hard, I was making it so much more difficult then it needed to be.
Next time I wouldn't say anything, I wouldn't be such a baby about it, I would just --- I don't know if I could just let it happen, I don't know if there would even be a next time.
I slumped down in my seat, gazing blankly out the window, feeling like absolute shit.
Well this was a new embarrassing low for me.
And he drove so quickly we were at my house in no time, pulling in the empty driveway.
"Hannah, wait, dont --- dont go yet," he muttered when I had all my things scrounged together. I hesitated, glancing over at him, my fingers brushing the door.
"Look, I'm... I'm so sorry about earlier," he sighed, leaning his head back against the seat, gazing forward; he wouldn't even look at me. "I got carried away, I didn't mean to scare you."
"You... you didnt," I mumbled, staring at the floorboard. That was all my fault.
"Well I tried to take it too far, and I get that, and I won't do it again, I promise."
That wasn't making me feel any better.
I didn't say anything, just shrugged.
What could I even say?
I started to open the door, but I felt his hand slip over my arm, and I glanced back at him through my hair, seeing his irritated expression.
Was he mad at me?
"Hannah, don't... fuck, don't look at me like that."
Like what?
I blinked at him, feeling my lashes still heavy.
I really needed to stop being a crybaby.
"Look, I, I dont want you to leave and be mad at me because I'm an asshole, okay?" he stared at me, as if trying to press his point. "I don't want that. I'm sorry, I'm really fucking sorry."
"Josh, you --- you didn't do anything wrong," I shook my head quickly, staring down at my lap. "I just, I just..."
I just sort of panicked because I'd never done anything with anyone before, and then he was suddenly so interested in me I didn't even know how to handle it.
I felt his thumb brush my wrist, and he tugged lightly, pulling me closer to his side of the car where he could reach me.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled, pulling me into his arms, and I sighed, relaxing against him, pressing my face against his neck. "I didn't mean too, Hannah, really. I knew better, and I, I don't want you to think you have to do anything with me because I want you too, okay? If you want to do stuff, fine, but if you're not ready for something, you should say something," his fingers caressed the back of my neck. "I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with. If I take it too far, tell me, okay?"
"Okay," I whispered, letting my arms slip under his jacket and around his waist; he was so warm, it was so nice, and his cologne was so comforting.
I squeezed my eyes shut as I leaned into him.
"Do you... wanna come in for a little bit?" I asked after a second, biting the inside of my cheek. "No one's gonna be here until seven."
And I didn't want him to leave.
He hesitated, then shrugged.
"Sure, why not."