I Don't Wanna Be Friends

I walked around the side of the school building to where I knew my mom's car would be waiting. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere by myself anymore, which really sucked. Everyone assumed that if I was left alone I would try to kill myself again, and I guess I couldn't really blame them for that.
I rounded the corner of the building only to be met with dozens of reporters. Their greedy eyes landed on me and suddenly I was stuck in swarm of news crews. “Kellin!” They were all shouting, trying to ask a million different questions at once.
I hadn't spoken to the news team that ran the story of 'my accident' forcing the reporters to try and get a statement from me everywhere I went. They had even showed up at my house; that is until my mother called the police. “Kellin, is it true? Was this an accident?” someone asked, although I couldn't tell who. “Leave me alone,” I said and tried to push through the people swarmed around me. I fought to get away from them for a minute before someone wrapped their hand around my wrist tightly. I gasped as they yanked me out of the crowd and started dragging me away.
“Mom, you can let go,” I said and pulled my hand out of her grasp. “You aren't supposed to talk to the press,” she scolded and walked around her little prius to get in. “I didn't ask to. They just showed up,” Mom nodded and sighed as she slid her seatbelt on. I copied her before pulling my door shut, muffling the sounds of all the shouting reporters.
“Kellin, you have therapy today,” I sighed and leant my head on my hand. “I don't see why I have to go,” That only pissed her off. She had been on edge quite a lot lately, although it was my fault.
“You have to go so that you can better,” she said irritably. “Yeah right,” She smacked her hand down on the steering wheel as I spoke, obviously upset. “Please try. Your father and I don't want to lose you Kellin,”
I sighed and nodded. I knew I wasn't going to get better, no matter how much therapy they put me through. I also knew that I was hurting them, and I hated that. I couldn't seem to stop though.
“Kellin, you have to get better,” Mom said. “Well I'm not going to. I'm messed up and there's no way to fix that,” I replied. “Yes there is!” It was quiet for a minute before she started speaking again. “This is hard enough Kellin, why do you have to try and make it even more painful?” she asked.
“I'm not trying to. I'm being honest! I hate myself and there is nothing you can do to fix that so stop guilting me!” I said and got out of the car before she had even completely stopped in front of our house. I ran inside and up to my room, completely ignoring my dad as he asked how my day was. It had been shitty just like every other day.
I slammed my door shut, tossing my bag onto the floor in the process. I sat down on my bed, lying back to try and calm down. I hated this. I hated every minute of my pathetic existence. I needed to get out.
“Kellin, can I come in?” mom asked through the door. I sighed and mumbled a little 'yeah' in return. She walked in and sighed too, looking down at me as I stared up at the ceiling. “Kellin, look at me please,”
I sat up, glancing up at her. “I'm sorry,” she said. “We just want you to be happy again. You used to be so happy, and we miss that. We love you,” I nodded, letting my gaze fall down to where my hands were resting in my lap. “Come here,” I let her pull me into a hug, forcing me to rest my head onto her shoulder. I didn't mind it, but I also didn't feel the way that I should hugging my mom. I felt numb.
“I love you,” she said and kissed my hair. “Love you too,” Mom smiled and then sighed softly when I didn't return it. “You know, I really miss that pretty smile of yours,” I didn't say anything as she straightened back up. “Come downstairs in a few minutes and dad will drive you to your session, okay?”
I nodded blankly at her before she closed the door. I loved my mom, I really did; I just didn't feel anything other than sad anymore. I knew that deep down all of my feelings were trapped, begging me to notice them again, but I just couldn't. I was stuck, and I wanted it to end. ~

I took a long, heavy breath off of the cigarette between my lips before blowing the smoke out of my mouth. It was warmer out today, allowing me to wear just a flannel and a beanie.
“Hey,” I looked over at Mike as he walked up to me and sat down in the grass beside me. I had been sitting on the soccer field for a while, just watching the team practice. I didn't want to go home. “You alright?” I nodded mindlessly before actually looking at him. “Yeah. I'm fine,” I said, meeting his dark eyes.
“You sure? You look...lost,” I shrugged lightly and glanced back at the soccer team. Vic was running back and forth as they did drills, sweat dripping off of him. I wondered if he was cold, considering it was still in the sixties and all he had on was a t-shirt and shorts.
“Maybe I am. I kind of feel that way,” Mike nodded and sighed. “You still like him, don't you?” he asked. “What?” He nodded in the direction of his brother, making me sigh. “I don't know. I don't really feel anything anymore, and....as much as I think I like him, I just feel empty,” I admitted. I didn't know why I was telling him all of this, but I had always trusted Mike. He was just a kind, chill person.
“Maybe you just need a change? Like, try something new,” I shrugged lightly. “Got any ideas? I don't know what would even make me feel something,” Mike just sighed. “I don't know. But I hope you figure it out,” I didn't say anything back, although I wasn't sure if I agreed with him. Did I even want to get better?

“Hey, how long have you been here?” Vic asked, catching my attention. I looked up at him and shrugged. “I don't know, a while,” He nodded and bit into his lip. “Do you mind if I join you?” I shook my head and gently patted the grass beside me.
Vic laid down too and just stared up at the sky. It was getting dark out, considering it was after five. “Shouldn't you be at home?” he asked. “Yeah. I told my mom that I had to stay after school, and then I just kind of laid here,” I said. “It's cold. And your parents are probably worried about you,” I sighed and nodded. I knew they would be.
“I wish they wouldn't. It would just be easier if I didn't need a babysitter 24-7,” Vic frowned, turning his head to look at me. “What would be easier?” he asked. “I don't know, everything. I just...everyone has been treating me like I can't control myself, or like I...I don't know. I just hate feeling like everyone is watching me. I just want some space,”
Vic just stared at me for a minute. “Do you want me to go?” he asked softly. I thought about that for a minute, meeting his lovely eyes. “No. I want you to stay.” He nodded and rested his head back in the grass.
“Aren't you cold?” I asked. “Not really. I'm used to it,” he said. “Because of soccer?” Vic nodded and smiled. “Yeah. We have to wear this in the winter, so I just got used to being cold. It doesn't bother me anymore,” he said. “That's cool. I hate the cold,” Vic laughed and looked at me again.
“Then why are you laying in the grass? It's supposed to be cold tonight,” I just shrugged. “I don't know. I just felt like it. What about you? Don't you want to go home?” Vic shrugged too. “I don't mind lying here with you,” he said, making me smile the tiniest bit. I couldn't help but feel special. Vic could have been anywhere in the world right now, but he chose to lie in the grass with me.
“Do you want to hang out sometime?” he asked then. “Like actually do something?” I stared at him for a minute before smiling and nodding. “Yeah, that sounds really nice,” Vic smiled too and then sat up. “You should definitely get home,” he said. “And I probably should too....I'll see you tomorrow?” he asked.
I just nodded simply. “Good. I'll hold you to that,” I smiled, knowing what he meant. “Don't worry about me okay? I'm not gonna do anything stupid,” I promised. Vic smiled wider and then reached his hands out to help me up. I slid my hands into his, loving how warm they were, even though it was pretty cold out.
I smiled a little, smiling more tonight than I had in a long time. “Hey Kell?” he said as I turned away to walk home. “Yeah?” He just looked at me for a minute before smiling again. “I really did miss you,” I smiled, actually feeling a spark of happiness. “Me too,” ~