I Don't Wanna Be Friends

“Hey, Kellin,” I turned around as Vic called my name, something he hadn’t done in years. This would be the second time he had spoken to me since…I couldn’t even remember.
“Hi,” I said softly. “Hey, um…your mom called me,” he said. “What?” Why would my mom call him? How did she even have his number?
“Well, she called our house. She um…she said that you left me a note…?” I sighed and looked down at my shoes in embarrassment. She knew that we weren’t friends anymore, although seeing as I had taken the time to include him in my suicide note, she had probably thought he cared about me.
“Did you?” I nodded and bit my lip nervously. “Oh…” Vic’s voice was soft and not at all judgmental, but it hurt somehow. “What? I’m not allowed to write to you before I die?” I asked, offended.
“No, no, I just…I guess the more gullible part of me was hoping that it really was an accident. Although now that you said that, I just…guess it’s really true,” he whispered.
“Yeah. We can’t all be perfect,” Vic frowned and shook his head. “I’m not trying to upset you Kell, I just, really don’t want you to be sad. It sucks that you feel that way,”
I nearly flinched at the nickname. He used to call me that all the time and now…now he rarely even thought of me. “Thanks. And I did write to you. You were kind of the only friend that I had and I just…I guess I was hoping someone would care,” I said and flipped my bangs out of my eyes.
“I do care Kellin. Believe it or not, but I miss you,” I smiled the tiniest bit at his words. “I miss you too Vic…” It was quiet for a moment while we just stared at each other.
“Um, anyways, I uh, I should get to class,” Vic nodded and pressed his lips with concern while I walked past him. I wished that I could stay and talk to him all day, but we weren’t even in the same social groups now. I wouldn’t know what to say to him.
I sighed and walked towards my last class of the day, in a better mood than I had been in a while. It was nice to think someone missed me, even the slightest bit.
At least I could name three people that would show up to my funeral.
“Kellin, could I speak to you please?” I turned and looked for whoever had spoken, my eyes landing on Mrs. Nelson, the guidance counselor.
“Uh, yeah, I guess,” I said and walked up to her door. “Oh good. I was hoping that I could get a word in with you today. I was thinking that we could start having meetings each week. You know, to talk,”
I nodded slowly and stood behind the two chairs that faced her desk.
“Yeah, thank, but no thanks. I already have to go to therapy,” I said. “I realize that. But I spoke with your mother today,” she started. “She’s been doing a lot of that lately,” I muttered back. “What was that?” I shook my head and waited for her to finish.
“Well anyways, she agrees that it would be a good opportunity for you to let out how you’re feeling whenever you want, rather than just a few times a week,”
I shook my head again, before she was even finished speaking. “Really, that’s nice and all, but everyone’s already talking about me. I don’t want to be the crazy kid that has to see the guidance counselor too,”
Mrs. Nelson sighed quietly. “Why don’t you sit down Kellin?” I just stood there in silence. “Alright, well, you do need help. We don’t want you to feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to, and school is a good place for you to get your feelings out whenever you feel the need to. Depression is a very serious thing Kellin, especially if you’re still having suicidal thoughts. None of us want you to do something you’ll regret,” she explained.
“Look, I already said no. I don’t want to have to talk about my feelings any more than I have to by law, okay? Besides, I don’t regret it and talking to you isn’t going to change my mind,”
Mrs. Nelson looked stunned by my words and even more by my actions as I walked directly out of her office.
“Kellin,” she called. “Kellin, wait,” I let a heavy breath and ignored her as I walked right out the side doors and into the wrap-around parking lot.
It was a bright sunny day outside, contrasting the way I looked. I guess I really wasn’t helping myself with the textbook emo style.
My clothes were all black, other than the gray shirt beneath my hoodie. I took the maroon beanie out of my pocket and pulled it over my hair before walking towards the back of the building. I couldn’t leave until my mom was here at the end of the school day, but I had no intention of going to forensics today, so I was just going to wait outside.
It wasn’t necessarily cold out today, but there was still a chilly breeze, making a jacket necessary.
I walked around the school to where the potheads always were and passed by a group of them as I got out my pack of cigarettes.
“Hey, Kellin,” I looked back at them, noticing Mike Fuentes. I hadn’t really seen him since I was in middle school and, back then, he was about a foot and a half shorter, with spiky hair. He looked a lot different now though.
Mike still had the same, almost charmingly young face, but with more stubble. He a lot bigger than the last time I had seen him and looked so grown up compared to then.
“Hey,” I said softly. He nodded at me and leant back against the brick half-wall that connected to the back of the building. “Is it true?” he asked, taking a hit off of the blunt between his fingers.
“Yeah,” He nodded and watched me as I flicked my lighter a few times while holding the cigarette between my teeth. “How come?”
I walked a little closer to him, slipping the lighter back into my jeans. “Depression’s a bitch,” He nodded slightly. “I didn’t know you were a stoner,”
Mike laughed softly, the same laugh I remembered. “I didn’t know you were a smoker,” I smiled a little and nodded. “Touché,” He smiled too and watched me blow the toxic smoke out of my mouth.
“Did you talk to Vic?” he asked. “Uh, yeah, briefly. Why?” Mike rolled his eyes and put out the joint. “Because he can’t seem to shut up about you lately. Your mom called ours and told him you wrote a full page for him,”
I sighed and nodded, holding the cigarette between my fingers. “He just asked if I was okay…and if I really tried it,” Mike nodded slightly, more serious than I remembered him to be.
“A bus huh? Couldn’t there have been a more romantic way to off yourself?” he asked, making us both laugh. It wasn’t meant seriously, lightening the mood a little.
“Probably, yeah. Maybe I’m just melodramatic,” I replied and breathed in more of the awful tar into my lungs. “Do you still love him? Vic, I mean,”
I blinked in surprise before shaking my head. “You knew about that?” I asked. “Yeah. Well, not then. But looking back, yeah,”
I nodded slowly. “No, uh, shut those down a while back,” I said. Mike just looked at me for a moment, and I wondered if he could tell I was lying. I wasn’t in love with Vic, but the attraction was still there. I still liked him.
“Um…could you, uh…just tell him I’m sorry?” I asked quietly. Mike nodded again. “Thanks. I’ll see you around, okay?” He just watched me as I walked away, headed towards the football field. I had always liked Mike; he was good to talk to, but I didn’t want to be friends with him. He would only be one more person for me to hurt.
I didn’t plan on staying alive and it was already bad enough that I would be hurting Vic. I couldn’t do that to both of them. I wouldn’t.
I sighed and sat down on one of the cold bleachers and just looked out at the school. I liked being out here when no one else was. It felt so much calmer, and so peaceful. It was a nice getaway from the rest of my life.
I dropped my cigarette, not even caring where it landed and waited for the final bell to ring. ~