Falling Stars

I combed my blonde hair with my fingers at an attempt to look at least halfway decent. It didn’t work out too well. Still, I had no choice but to knock on the wooden door that separated me from a life I kind of needed at the moment. I sighed and began to turn around when nobody answered. It was probably one of the many signs not to come and see him. The brother I didn’t even know I had until about a month ago. But then I heard the click of the door handle and I turned to face the person who answered; whoever it was, she certainly wasn’t my brother.

“May I help you?” She asked in a peppy voice. I smiled politely at her but it kind of faltered. It was getting increasingly difficult to be happy these days.

“Maybe. Does Rian Dawson live here?” I asked. She looked kind of wary of me when I asked that.

“And who might you be?” She asked. I didn’t really know what to say to that, so I just answered with my name.

“I’m Raz. Raz Conner.” As I said that, a woman came from behind the door and scowled at me.

“Well Raz Conner, we don’t appreciate fans coming to our houses and harassing us.” She said coldly. I shook my head. Rian was in a band. A pretty famous one at that. They’re called All Time Low and he’s the drummer.

“No. I’m not a fan. I mean, I am, but that’s not why I’m here.” I said desperately.

“Then why are you here?” The first woman asked suspiciously.

“Look, is he here or not? It’s something I need to talk to him about.” I asked.

“No. He’s not. So why don’t you run along and we won’t call the cops.” The second woman said. I shook my head.

“I don’t care about a stupid autograph okay? I just want to see my brother.” I said before they closed the door on me. The first woman looked at me in shock, and the second looked like she was sick of me already. I don’t blame her to be honest. I’m not exactly a great person to be around. That’s kind of why I was kicked out.

“Rian doesn’t have a sister.” The first woman said.

“I know. I don’t think he knows about me either. But he’s my brother by blood. I need to see him. I don’t know how to find my mother or father and even then they’re the ones who gave me up. Look, this is really confusing. But I have adoption and birth certificates to prove it.” I said. I took my backpack off my back and started rummaging through it to find the certificates. When I found them I handed it to the first woman. She looked through them.

“Lisa, they’re totally legit.” The first woman said.

“No way! Let me see, there’s gotta be some sort of forgery.” The woman who I now knew as Lisa proclaimed.

“You look at them then, but I don’t think there’s any forgery. Sweetie, my name’s Cassadee. I’m Rian’s girlfriend. Please come in.” She said. So I did just that. The second I walked in I felt so out of place. Everything was big and white and pristine, and I was just this small town British girl who barely knew who she was. Cassadee led me to one of the sofas and sat me down. I breathed out nervously. What if she was just going to hurt me and tell me why he’s not my brother even though he definitely is?

“Where is he?” I asked gingerly. She smiled warmly at me.

“He’s touring at the moment. I think he’s in Florida right now, but I could call him?” She offered. I shook my head.

“No! You can’t tell him. It has to come from me.” I said.

“Well, how about I tell him there’s an emergency? I won’t tell him what it is, but he’ll definitely come home. Would that be okay?” She asked. I shrugged.

“I suppose.” I said meekly.

“Okay. Let me make the call.” She said. She picked up her phone and did exactly what she said she would do. Lisa then came in.

“I’m sorry. I just can’t get my head around this.” She stated.

“Lise?” Cassadee started.

“No, I’m sorry but this is ridiculous. Tell us more about yourself, Raz.” Lisa ordered. I gulped.

“There’s not much to tell. I’m just an 18 year old girl. My life’s barely started.” I said.

“Well tell us something! Anything. Hobbies, interests, crazy thoughts?” She said.

“Lisa!” Cassadee warned.

“I like music and TV shows and movies. I like to sing in the shower and dance around when nobody’s looking. As for crazy thoughts? This is just the biggest one I’ve had. I shouldn’t have come here. I’m sorry.” I said while scrambling to get my papers together. However, Cassadee grabbed my wrist and shook her head.

“Don’t go. Rian’s on his way. He’ll be here in 5 hours. Just hang out in the meantime. You must be exhausted.” She said. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Kinda, but I can’t sleep. I just can’t. I left my meds back in England when my mum kicked me out.” I said. They both looked at me in shock.

“Your mum kicked you out?” Lisa asked, sounding a bit more sympathetic.

“Yeah.” I answered sadly.

“So you have nowhere to go?” Cassadee asked. I shook my head.

“Rian was kinda my last hope.” I explained.

“What do you mean was?” She asked.

“Yeah. You have no idea what he’ll say.” Lisa said, starting to warm up to me.

“I can take a wild guess.” I said.

“Listen, why don’t you just tell us your story, huh? Maybe we can make you feel better.” Cassadee said. I shook my head and started twiddling my thumbs.

“It’s a long, complicated and potentially scarring story.” I said.

“Just tell us what you can.” She prodded. I sighed.

“Okay. Well, I was born at the tender age of zero to a couple who didn’t want me. So they gave me up for adoption. I was adopted by a British couple who moved me back to London. Little did they know that 18 years later their baby would be diagnosed with early-onset dysthemia, a genetic kind of depression that lasted me for over 2 years before they gave me medication for it, which is still left back in England. After I made a single mistake they kicked me out of the house, and because I’m 18 now, it’s perfectly allowed in the eyes of the law. So now I’m here trying to find out who I really am.” I answered. “Oh, and by the way, the depression has been very extreme and I didn’t feel like the medication actually helped me, so I’m still feeling pretty depressed.”

“God. That’s awful.” Lisa said.

“Well, what can you do?” I asked rhetorically. After hours of talking about me and my life back in England, there was a buzz at the door. Cass answered it.

“Hello?” She asked.

“Hey. It’s Rian. Is everything okay?” He asked. I started panicking a bit. This was it. If he didn’t like me I had nowhere to go.

“Come up and see for yourself.” She answered. Cass held my hand and led me to the door. Once we were there she put an arm around me. Rian walked into the apartment, and not alone. His whole band was there, including some people who I could only assume were part of the crew.

“Um, Rian, you stay here, everyone else, follow me.” Lisa said, trying to give us some more privacy. Everyone looked at me weirdly. Everyone apart from Jack, the guitarist of the band. He looked at me differently, and I could only hope it was in a good way. However, once they left the room, it was just Rian, Cass and I.

“Hello. I’m Rian.” He said, holding out his hand. I nodded my head and held mine out for him to shake.

“Hi. I know who you are. My name’s Raz.” I introduced myself. I must’ve come off as really strange. I was searching his face. Searching for any kind of proof that we were related. I guess it’s hard to tell if you hate looking in the mirror anyway.

“Um, so, what’s the emergency?” Rian asked, facing Cass.

“Actually, I am.” I piped up. This was so difficult. He faced me with his big brown eyes. He looked somewhat angry. Not that I could blame him. He had no idea what the emergency was.

“What do you mean?” He asked, trying to sound polite.

“Well, I was born on the 18th April 1997.” I said. He creased his eyebrows at me, yet his face somehow seemed gentler.

“That date sounds familiar.” He said.

“See, I was born in Baltimore to a mother and father who were getting divorced. My mum didn’t want a reminder of the dad, and my dad? Well, let’s just say he didn’t really care enough about his family to stay along and find out the fate of me. I was given up for adoption pretty much the second I was born. There was this couple in England who wanted me, so they adopted me and moved me back to London with them.” I said.

“Wait, are you telling me what I think you’re telling me?” He asked. I nodded my head.

“I think so. The thing is I’m scared to say it out loud. Because if I do, and you don’t want me to be who you think I am, I’m pretty much screwed and I saved my last ounce of trust on someone who doesn’t even want to get to know me.” I said.

“You’re my sister?” He asked. I nodded my head with tears in my eyes. He bent down a bit to examine me, and then he hugged me so tight I thought my guts were going to explode out of my ears. I hugged him back nonetheless. “Oh god. Of course you are.” He breathed. I started crying. I don’t know what they were. Tears of joy, happiness, relief, or still fear. But they were cascading down my face like a waterfall.

“You know about me?” I asked. I felt him nod his head before pulling back a bit, still holding onto my arms and looking in my eyes.

“Yes. I do. I know about you. I was 9 or 10 at the time but I wasn’t an idiot. I knew my mum was pregnant but she didn’t want us knowing. Whenever I asked she always said she had a big lunch, or she was dress rehearsing for a play, but I knew. Then when I was a bit older I asked her about it. She admitted she had a baby and gave it up for adoption, but she never told me anything else. Hell, she didn’t even say if it was a boy or a girl, but now I know. God. You’re so beautiful. More gorgeous than I ever could’ve imagined.” He said making me smile. It was the first time I felt relatively content in a long time.

“Um, how come I didn’t know about this?” Cass asked.

“Well, because I was always told I couldn’t find her. And god knows that I’ve tried but it was a closed adoption. I knew nothing about her. How did you find out?” Rian asked.

“My parents told me. They said they knew a little bit about my parents so they told me.” I answered.

“Your parents! Oh god. Do they know you’re here?” He asked.

“Rian...” Cassadee started.

“Actually, I don’t have any. Not anymore anyway. They kinda kicked me out.” I said feeling awkward about the whole situation. Rian looked as though his heart was literally torn in two.

“How come?” He asked. I shrugged.

“I can’t talk about it.” I said shaking my head. I pulled one of my hands away and wiped my eyes.

“Well, maybe a therapist or something?” He suggested. I shook my head again.

“I don’t really have a good history with therapists. They’ve never helped me.” I explained.

“Okay. Well, we’ll figure out some way for you to tell someone. In the meantime, has Cass shown you your room?” He asked. I let out a sigh of relief.

“I can stay here?” I asked, double checking I heard him right. He smiled and nodded his head.

“You didn’t think I’d let you sleep in the streets did you?” He asked. I smiled and shook my head.

“I guess not.” I said.

“Well how about you go to your room and get some sleep cause it’s pretty late, and Cass and I will talk about what to do regarding you for the next 6 months.” He said.

“6 months?” I asked.

“Well yeah. We’re still touring so we’re gonna need to talk about what to do. Don’t worry though. You’ll be okay whatever. I promise.” He said. I nodded my head.

He told me where my room was so I walked there. I sighed. The whole place was beautiful. I clearly didn’t belong here. He also told me I had an en suite, so I didn’t hesitate to hop in the shower. I touched the scar on my lower abdomen and started crying. I hated how I got it. I absolutely can’t stand feeling so guilty anymore. Once I was all showered up I started calming down. I got dressed back into the clothes I was wearing as I didn’t have much else, and because I couldn’t sleep, I just lay down on the bed thinking.

I found out I was adopted about a month ago. We were doing one final school project which was a family tree. As you can probably imagine, I found out pretty soon that I was adopted. I got a friend of mine who has connections to get copies of my birth and adoption certificates. I kept them with me and hid them from my parents. I knew if they found out I had them, they’d definitely tear them up. They were a pretty traditional kind of couple, and they didn’t want me to be adopted. They wanted to pretend everything was fine and we were the most wholesome of families to ever exist. So when I asked them about it they denied it. When I kept on persisting they kind of broke down in anger and frustration. Then something awful happened which resulted in this stupid scar as a reminder, and they freaked out and kicked me out of their house. They didn’t even let me pack my things, so I bought my last remaining money on essentials and an airplane ticket to find my family and here I am.

I got up and walked to the mirror. I was exhausted and it showed, but I just couldn’t get to sleep. I looked at my hair. It was messy as hell and my blue eyes looked tired with the heaviest of bags under it. If I was completely out of control I would’ve punched the mirror to get it to stop taunting me. I sighed and instead lay back down on the bed and closed my eyes. Getting to sleep was impossible, and then I heard shouting. It was unmistakeably Cass and Rian’s voices, but it made everything harder on me. I started sniffling before hearing the door open. I turned to face who it was. It was Jack. I wiped my tears away before saying anything. He just smiled warmly at me.

“Sorry. I usually sleep here when we stay at Rian’s. Guess they didn’t tell me there was a new resident.” He said. I looked down at my knees.

“Sorry.” I said. He shook his head.

“Don’t worry. It’s fine. Listen, we won’t officially meet until tomorrow, but my name’s Jack. I play guitar for the band. I want you to know you’re always welcome here as far as I’m concerned, and if you want anything just let me know. I don’t care if it’s 2 in the morning and all you want is a hug, I’m here for you.” He said. I smiled at him.

“Thank you, Jack.” I said.

“Why aren’t you in pyjamas?” He asked. Good question.

“I don’t really have any. My clothes are back in England and I haven’t had a chance to do any shopping. I don’t have any money on me anyway. I’ve basically been homeless for the past couple of weeks.” I said. He looked sad when I said that. He then opened one of the drawers and threw a couple of items of clothing on my bed.

“They’re large so they should be pretty baggy on you, but I wouldn’t worry about it. I think it makes people look adorable.” He said, showing me the shirt and shorts. I gave him a hug. He said I could hug him at 2 in the morning, so why not now?

“Thank you so much.” I breathed. He hugged me back.

“You’re welcome. Now get some sleep. I’ll meet you tomorrow.” He said. For the first time in years, I managed to get to sleep without anything, and for the first time in my whole life, I did it with a smile on my face.