Home, Sweet Home

I drank my coffee quicker than I thought I would. Apparently thinking and drinking is like eating and watching TV you don’t know you’re doing it until it’s gone. I figured I should probably go take a shower so I didn’t smell. I grabbed a pair of shorts, and a sports bra then made my way to the bathroom.

The bathroom smelled like Dan’s body wash. Is it weird to say that I missed it? I just kind of stood there for a second and breathed deeply. I really did miss having the guys around. I snapped out of my internal monologue before it took over and went to start the shower. I put my clothes on the sink and looked in the mirror.

I still looked like me. I was in desperate need of a haircut and the blond strip had grown out to my chin, but I still looked like me. My hair was still the same brown. My eyes still the same dull gray color. I was still pale because of the lack of sun except for my shoulders and the weird pattern on my back where I was sunburned that was now a funny looking tan. I could hear Lily laughing at me.

Literally everything was the same but something felt different. I don’t know what it was but I just felt different. I undressed and climbed into the stream of warm water. As the water fell, I felt the muscles in my back loosen. It was like all of the residual stress of my internal struggle and decision making of whether or not to stay, was washing down the drain.

I washed my hair and body and got out of the shower quickly. While drying off I caught sight of my back in the mirror and couldn’t help but laugh at myself. Lily would say it looked like I was part zebra or something. I realized that I have been thinking about Lily a lot recently. I should call her again. I don’t count the desperate decision making phone call. I made a mental note and finished drying off.

I wrapped my hair up in a towel and proceeded to brush my teeth. No one likes coffee breath now do they? I caught myself looking at my appearance in the mirror again. I took a step back and really looked at myself. I still couldn’t find the difference.

“You are strong enough. You can do it. I believe in you.” I said aloud giving myself a little pep talk before going to hang out with the guys. I was stronger than this crush. I can sit in a room with Dan. I can touch him without butterflies erupting in my stomach. I can talk to him without accidently blurting out that I loved him.

Dan is my best friend. Yeah I may possibly be in love with him but that doesn’t mean I can’t still be his friend. I will beat these feelings. I will do my best to push them down until they no longer exist. It’ll be a slow process, but I can do it. I can forget that I might love Dan. And to prove it, I’m going to sit by him while we watch the movie. Just like we used to.

It’ll be just like old times. I’m going to be like I used to be around him. Like the time we went on a surprise journey to somewhere I had never been before. I thought back to that day now.

Dan and I hadn’t known each other for very long, but he and I were already starting to get close. That day I had an urge to explore and go on an adventure. I walked over to Dan and Phil’s flat. Phil let me in almost instantly.

“You know Dan isn’t awake yet.” said Phil when I walked through the door.

It was before Phil and I got to know each other at all so there was still tension between us.

“Yeah I figured he would still be sleeping.” I replied making my way to Dan’s room.

I walked in to find a shirtless Dan cuddling with a pillow. I laughed to myself before jumping on him and waking him up.

“Wake up, wake up, wake up.” I said straddling him and shaking his shoulder.

“Mmm gedoff.” He mumbled wiggling a bit trying to shake me off.

“No. Get out of bed right now.” I said starting to tickle him.

His eyes popped open.

“Stop, stop, stop.” I stopped tickling him instantly.

“Good now that you’re awake, get dressed, you’re coming with me.” I said getting off of him and pulling the blanket with me.

He moaned and groaned a bit and I found it hilarious. He was moving too slowly so I tossed a shirt and pair of shorts at him. He dressed reluctantly and barely had time to grab his phone and wallet before I grabbed his arm and pulled him out of his flat and down to my car.

Once in the car, I just started to drive in random directions.

“Where are we going?” Dan asked about twenty minutes in to the car ride.

“I have no clue. It’s an adventure. Shut up and enjoy the ride.” I said handing him my iPod that was plugged into my car radio.

He would never let me control the music and today was no different. We drove for a couple of hours singing along to the songs the whole time. We stopped to get gas and food at the first place we found.

I convinced Dan to let me control the music if I let him drive. That day was so much fun. We got completely lost and stumbled across a lake. It reminded me so much of home. Looking at it, I had the sudden urge to jump in.

It took a while but I finally managed to convince Dan to jump in with me. We stripped down to our underwear and made our way to the end of the dock. I laced my fingers with Dan’s and we jumped off. The water was colder than I thought it would be. I remember my next thought after holy shit this is cold, was thank God I’m not wearing white underwear.

I clung to Dan for warmth until my body adjusted to the water. We swam and splashed and acted like children. We were carefree and just enjoying life. We didn’t have to worry about being seen together. In this moment with him, he was just Dan and I was just Sam. We were two friends having the time of our lives with not a worry in the world.

We played in the water for such a long time that the sun had started to go down. I was freezing. Dan made me get out of the water because my lips were turning blue. The two of us retreated to my abandoned car for warmth and drinkable water. We started the car and huddled in the back seat together trying to warm up.

We ended up sleeping in my car that night. In the morning we dressed and I punched Dan’s address into my GPS. The drive home wasn’t as fun but that was because we had to go back to our normal lives. We still sang along with every song that played but I could see in Dan’s eyes that he didn’t want this day to end and neither did I.

That trip was the first time I had ever seen his hobbit hair. It’s probably one of my favorite memories with him. Thinking back to it now, I realized how much things had changed.

Dan was no longer just Dan. Now he is Dan Howell, content creator, book author, actor, yes I am talking about his lines in Big Hero 6. They totally count. And I was still just Sam Daven, college dropout, barista, and blogger that made no money from actually blogging.

I also thought back to how I used to be around Dan. When did I suddenly become so self-conscious around him? I check my hair before I go down to breakfast for Christ sake. I used to not care. That carefree girl was Dan’s best friend. When did I stop being her? When I realized I liked Dan more than just a friend?

Now is definitely not the time to be thinking about things like that. I shook my head and finished brushing my teeth.

I took care of my dirty laundry and then made my way up to the lounge bumping into Phil on the way up.

“Hey Sam, sorry I have to bail on the movie today. I just got a call from my mum. She’s in London and wanted to get lunch. You don’t mind, do you?” Phil asked.

“Oh no. Of course not. Go have fun. Tell you mom I said hi. Not that I’ve met her but still. I’ll see you whenever you get home.” I said to Phil giving him a quick hug.

Well looks like it’s just me and Dan. I finished my ascent up the stairs and made my way into the lounge. I started to set up for the perfect movie/TV episode marathon ever. After I grabbed a couple of warm blankets for when my feet got cold a pillow off my bed, I realized we were missing some things for a proper TV marathon. I figured I would have time to go and get them. I put on a shirt, changed into some leggings, and stuffed my feet into my combat boots.

I needed salty buttery popcorn so I walked to the nearest shop and picked up a box along with some soda and some chocolate. I grabbed a box of Maltesers for Dan knowing they were one of his favorites. After checking out and getting a few weird looks at the amount of candy I had picked up, I practically ran home.

I dropped off all of the goodies I bought in the kitchen. I put the soda in the fridge and left everything else on the counter. Dan said he was going to be editing so I figured I’d just sit in the lounge for a bit while I waited. But when I turned the corner into the lounge. I found a now dressed Dan sitting in his sofa crease.

“Hey I thought you were editing.” I said causing Dan to jump slightly.

“Oh yeah I figured I’d take a break. I looked around the house to see if you and Phil were here but it looked like you both had left.” said Dan.

“Oh yeah I ran into Phil when he was running out the door. His mom called him and she’s in London and wanted to get lunch. I thought Phil would have told you.” I said coming over and sitting on the arm of the sofa.

“Nope.” said Dan very focused on his laptop that was currently sitting on his lap.

He had yet to get into the browsing position.

“Hey Dan, move you laptop.” I said.

He gave me a look like he thought I was kidding but when he saw I wasn’t he moved it on to the sofa cushion beside him looked back up at me. I could tell he was hoping I wasn’t planning on jumping on him. Instead I sat between Dan and the arm of the couch putting my left leg over Dan’s lap. I left my right leg tucked underneath me.

“What are you doing?” Dan asked.

“Getting comfy.” I replied.

Dan laughed. I could tell he was thinking back to the same time I was.

It was the first couple of weeks into our friendship and I had invited him over to watch a movie with me. We watched My Neighbor Totoro. It was the first time I had seen it. I had been uncomfortably sitting the whole night and then I just decided that I didn’t care and I was going to sit comfortably. I put both of my legs in Dan’s lap. We had a similar conversation to the one that we just had. This was just before our road trip adventure.

I grabbed the TV remote and let Dan control the TV. While he flicked thought the channels I place my left hand on my thigh that was sitting in Dan’s lap. When Dan found a channel he was happy with, he put the remote down and placed his left hand next to mine on my thigh.

The second his hand made contact with my leg, the butterflies erupted. I think I need a butterfly net to catch these pesky butterflies. I kept my face devoid of emotion but on the inside I was screaming. His hand was so close to mine and it was very warm on my leg. I tried to push thoughts like that down and focus in the TV.

My plan worked for the most part until Dan grabbed my hand. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. His eyes were glued to the TV. He started playing with my fingers. Just as before, the butterflies had erupted full force. I realized I would need pesticide the get these damned things under control. Again I kept my face devoid of emotion but this time I just couldn’t focus on the TV. Instead I turned all of my focus into not moving.

I didn’t want Dan to stop nor did I want Dan to notice the tension that was starting in my back. I wanted so desperately to look at his face but I knew if I looked at him, he would realize what he was doing and stop.

I continued to keep glancing at him out of the corner of my eye. I could’ve sworn that I saw Dan looking at me but I couldn’t be sure because I didn’t get a good look before I looked away again. It felt like Dan was about to lace his fingers with mine when I heard a voice from behind me.

“Oh, I-I’m… sorry.” said a very awkward Phil.

I looked up at him just as he was darting out of the room.

Dan got up without a word and followed Phil into the Phil’s bedroom room shutting the door behind him. I just sat there slightly shocked and confused. Did I do something wrong?



Dan followed Phil out of the lounge and into Phil’s room. He had to apologize for what it looked like was going on in there. Dan didn’t want Phil to think Sam was cheating on him or something. Dan knew Sam would never go for him. She was too beautiful.

“Phil,” Dan started but was cut off by Phil.

“What was that?” asked Phil. He didn’t sound mad.

“We, uh, we were watching TV and she just kind of put her leg on me. I um, didn’t have anywhere to put my hand and I just kind of stuck it on her leg. While watching the show I absentmindedly started playing with her hand and I didn’t even notice until you came in.” said Dan in a rush trying to just get to the point.

Phil just looked at him totally confused, but Dan hadn’t looked up yet so he wouldn’t have noticed. Dan continued.

“I’m so sorry. I know you and Sam are kind of like a thing. It was a total accident and it’ll never happen again. Don’t blame her. I don’t think she even noticed until you came in, either.” said Dan.

Phil looked at him with a shocked and extremely confused look on his face.

“Dan, Sam and I aren’t a thing. I mean she is absolutely gorgeous, but eww. It would be like dating my sister.” said Phil pulling a slightly disgusted face.

Phil was telling the truth. Sam had always felt like a little sister to him, well almost always. He could never have feelings like that for her.

“It’s okay I know about you two. I am kind of ticked off that you didn’t tell me but, wait did you say you weren’t a thing?” said Dan realizing what had Phil said.

“No Dan, Sam and I are not together and we never ever will be. She doesn’t like me like that and I don’t like her like that.” said Phil practically spelling it out for Dan.

Phil wanted so badly to tell him that Sam had eyes for someone else but he swallowed the words before they escaped his mouth.

“So then why did you leave in such a hurry when you saw me holding her hand?” Dan asked curiously.

“I didn’t know but you maybe you were possibly together.” said Phil awkwardly.

He chose his words carefully.

“Yeah right. I wish, but she doesn’t like me like that.” Said Dan.

In his head Phil was screaming. He didn’t know if he should tell Dan that Sam liked him or if he should tell Sam that Dan liked her or if he should just keep his mouth shut and let destiny take its course. Either of the first choses would cause his roommates to never trust him with a secret again.

“How do you know if you don’t ask her?” said Phil deciding that keeping his mouth shut was the best option.

“Oh come on. You said it yourself, she’s absolutely gorgeous. Someone as beautiful, kind, and bright as her would never go for someone as awkward and unattractive as me.” said Dan.

Phil wanted to burst out with Sam’s secret but he knew even if things turned out okay, Sam would never trust him with anything ever again. Sam’s trust was worth more to him.

“Dan, that’s not true. It’s Sam. She’s your best friend besides me. She would still love you… even if it’s not the way you want her to.” said Phil catching himself before he outed Sam.

“I doubt it.” said Dan.

Dan had tried to forget about his feelings for Sam but every time, it seemed he was a giant
rubber band. He would pull himself away but the feelings were snapped back into place each time.

“Okay, tell me this, how long have you liked Sam?” Phil asked.

Dan debated whether or not to tell Phil about it. In the end he decided fuck it. Phil was his best friend and he needed to talk about this to someone.

“Remember the day Sam showed up at 8 am and pulled me out of bed forcing me to get dressed and I didn’t come home until the next day?” Phil nodded. “We found ourselves at a lake. She convinced me to strip down to my underwear and jump off the dock with her. No other girl could have ever gotten me to do that. I realized I liked her more than a friend the day I got back.”

“I just kind of stared at the ceiling and thought over the day. She has gotten me to do things I don’t think I would have ever done if it weren’t for her.” said Dan finally admitting to his best friend about the feeling’s he had been keeping to himself for so long.

“But since she moved in it’s like she’s pulling away. I thought at first that she was pulling away because she was with you and now I just don’t know anymore. Then today it’s almost like she’s the same Sam that got me to jump into the water in nothing but my underwear.”

“Dan, why didn’t you tell me about all of this sooner?” said Phil rubbing his forehead. He was getting a headache from keeping everything in.

“Come on Phil, you and I both know you can’t keep a secret for shit.” Said Dan. Phil so badly wanted to correct him but if he did he in turn would just be proving Dan right.

“Yeah well I kept the book secret, didn’t I?” said Phil.

“Yeah but you almost let it slip so many times.” said Dan.

Phil sighed knowing Dan was right, but at that time he had been keeping two secrets. The book and Sam’s.

“Well I’m really glad that you’ve told me now. And just know, I’m always here for when you want to talk.” said Phil putting his hand on Dan’s shoulder.

And if Dan did want to talk, Phil prayed he wouldn’t let anything about Sam’s feelings slip. Or let anything about Dan’s feelings slip when he talked to Sam.

“Thanks Phil. I’m glad I finally told you.” said Dan being completely truthful.

He was glad that he finally had someone to talk to about all of this.

“Okay, well I’m going to go and talk to Sam. She probably thinks were both mad at her or something.” said Phil moving to walk past Dan.

“Wait. You can’t tell her.” said Dan.

“No of course not.” replied Phil.

“Phil, promise me?” said Dan with a desperate look in his eyes.

“Dan I promise I won’t tell the girl that you are clearly in love with that you are in fact in love with her.” said Phil. “That’s your job.”

“Thank you.” said Dan looking relieved and ignoring that last statement.

“Oh and one more thing, I just realized I was so worried that I didn’t even say anything to her before I left.”

Dan looked worried. Phil just nodded and left the room. Dan looked around Phil’s room feeling awkward about being in his room without Phil. He decided to go to his own room. Once there he laid face down on his bed. He was relieved to have told someone but at the same time, he was terrified that Phil would let something slip.