Home, Sweet Home

I sat in the lounge dazed and confused. For some reason I felt like I did something wrong. Should I have stopped Dan when he started playing with my fingers? Did Phil think something was going on between me and Dan? Would Phil say anything about my feelings for Dan?

I could hear the guy’s voices behind Phil’s closed door. Their voices were muffled by the door, making deciphering their word impossible. What are they talking about? Did I want to know what they were talking about? What’s taking so long?

Just as I thought that, Phil walked out of his room and came into the lounge. I saw Dan’s shadow dart into his room moments later.

“Hey.” said Phil sitting down next to me on the sofa.

“Hey. What was that about?” I asked quietly slightly afraid of the answer. Did Phil tell Dan that I like him? Does Dan want me to move out?

“Um… Let’s go up to your room and talk.” Phil suggested. I nodded.

I felt like I was going to cry but I held back the tears. I had no reason to cry. Right? I stood and led the way up to my room, Phil just a step behind me the whole time. I walked into my room and Phil shut the door behind him.

“I thought you had told him. I panicked and thought I was interrupting something.” said Phil explaining his reaction as soon as the door latched.

“Phil, I would have told you if I had planned on telling him. Or if I had I would have at least texted you before you got home. I’m trying to forget about it though, remember?” I said reminding Phil, and myself, about every conversation we’ve ever had about my feelings for Dan.

“I know but I just didn’t know if maybe it had just happened.” said Phil going over and sitting on the edge of my bed.

I just stood awkwardly in the middle of my room.

“I-” I started but was cut off by a knock on my door. I stayed silent just staring at the door. It slowly creaked open and Dan stepped into the room.

“Hey I um, I just, uh wanted to come and apologize. I um, I didn’t realize what I was uh doing… I’m sorry.” said Dan struggling to get the words out.

“I didn’t know until Phil came in, it’s no big deal. I mean you’ve held my hand before.” I said thinking back to jumping off the dock and suddenly remembering the feel of his hand in mine. I pushed that thought away. Now is not the time.

“Honestly I thought something was going on with you and Phil.” said Dan his face going a little red.

I had to hold back a laugh while my face scrunched in disgust.

“No I love Phil, but not that way. It kinda grosses me out a little. He’s like a second brother.” I said scrunching up my face.

“No offence.” I said looking over at Phil who waved my comment off.

He knew what I meant and I knew he felt the same about me.

Dan walked in a little further and stood next to me. There was about two minutes of awkward silence. I felt the need to fill it.

“So I um booked a flight home.” I don’t know why I chose now to mention it but it just kind of fell out of my mouth. I couldn’t stop it.

“When for?” Phil asked.

“I leave in a week.” I replied.

“Are you coming back?” asked Dan.

“Do you want me to come back?” I questioned hoping it would be a yes.

“Of course we want you to come back. We wouldn’t have asked you to live with us if we were itching to get rid of you. The week we were gone, I swear, Phil said how much he missed you twice a day and sometimes more.” said Dan with a laugh.

When I said “you” I meant just Dan. I knew Phil wanted me here, I was just unsure about him.

“Well no wonder you thought we were together.” I said to Dan looking at Phil.

Phil’s face turned red and he shrugged.

“So are you ever going to give us and answer?” Phil asked, recovering from his embarrassment quickly.

“Answer to what?” I said playing dumb.

Both Dan and Phil scowled at me.

“You know what.” Said Phil.

“Yes.” I said simply.

“Yes?” said Dan.

I looked at him and nodded.

Dan suddenly wrapped me in a bone crushing hug. I instantly had to fight off the butterflies. In my head I hoped he never let go but what came out of my mouth was the exact opposite of what I was thinking.

“Okay let go. Can’t. Breathe. Suffocating.” I said dramatically. Dan let go of me.

Phil was next to pull me into a hug. He didn’t squeeze as tightly but it still hurt because of Dan’s previous hug. I could tell Phil was excited that I was going to be permanent fixture. I’m totally talking about myself like I’m a couch or chandelier or something.

“You do know that you’ll end up being in more videos. You’re okay with that?” Phil asked pulling away and letting me go. The three of us went over and sat on the bed.

“It’s one of the things that I’ve thought about. Just to be clear I never intend to be making my own videos, but at the same time I think I will eventually warm up to the camera. I don’t want to be in any videos anytime soon, nor do I want to end up being in every video. I was hoping we could just ease into me being in videos.” I explained to the guys.

“So how do you want to ease into being in videos?” Dan asked. I knew he couldn’t wait to do a video with me but he knew it would take time.

“The same way I’m in videos now. Remember the comment about how I could be in some of your videos but you didn’t show my face or say my name, to fuck with your fan? We could gradually let the subscribers find out more and more about me.”

Dan nodded.

“Remember you asked me if that was something I wanted to do? I gave you a bogus reason to not want to do it purely because I didn’t want to be on camera. I can deal with your Phangirls. Plus when I’m finally going to actually be in videos, the first one we could do is a meet my roommate or whatever. Your subscribers could ask me questions or something.”

“That’s actually a really good idea. We could do an AmaingSamisnotonfire.” said Dan going over and sitting on the bed. Phil and I joined him.

“Whose channel would that end up being on?” I asked purely out of curiosity.

“We’ll figure it out when we come to it. So are we going to just start putting you in videos on purpose?” Dan asked.

“Not just yet, unless of course I’m caught on camera or accidentally do something while you’re filming. Like dropping a book on my head.” I said.

Dan and Phil both laughed remembering the racket I made while they were filming.

Dan looked so happy talking about me being in videos. It made my heart swell knowing that the happiness he showed and the smile on his face, were caused by me.

I realized then that I would do anything to make Dan happy, even if it meant sitting in front a camera and millions of people… watching me.

No! Stop right there brain. If you don’t shut up right now I’ll go into a full on panic attack. Remember the last one, you hurt for a week.

“I still want to see the videos before you post them if you plan on including a clip of me.” I added.

“Well yeah.” said Phil.

He looked almost as excited as Dan did at the fact that I was now willing to be in videos.

We continued to talk about all of this for the rest of the afternoon. Dan and Phil came up with a few video ideas for when I’m purposely put in videos. Dan said he had a really good idea but Phil and I were going to have to wait to see what it was. Honestly I was terrified talking like this but I really did think that I would eventually warm up to the camera. It would just take some getting used to.

“Oh Shit,” said Dan around seven. “I have to get ready for my surprise live show. We’ll talk more later.” said Dan getting up and walking out of my room, closing the door behind him.

“I’m really glad you decided to stay. I would have missed you…and your pancakes.” said Phil wrapping an arm around my shoulder with a grin on his face.

“I think I’ve changed my mind.” I said trying to keep a straight face. “I’m gonna move out. I’m never coming back from the US.”

Phil didn’t say anything. He pulled back and gave me a worried/are-you-kidding-me look. I smiled innocently but instead it turned into a shit-eating grin, giving me away. We were both laughing in no time. I snorted causing Phil to laugh harder which in turn caused me to laugh harder. More snorting and laughing ensued.

“Okay, I’ve had my workout for the next week.” I said, holding on to my stomach, when Phil and I finally managed to stop laughing.

“So what are the three of us doing this week?” Phil asked. I completely forgot to tell him and Dan about my crazy work schedule for the next week.

“Um, in order to get the week off and get enough money for a ticket to go home, I have to work every day this week except for one. Starting tomorrow. So I should actually be going to bed soon.” I said realizing how late it really was considering I had to be up at three in the morning in order to open the store.

“What day do you have off?” asked Phil looking hopeful.

“The day before I leave. That’s when I plan on packing and picking up some things I’ll need. Plus I promised Lily I would bring back some British candy and a few other things she wanted to try that she can’t get at home.” I said.

Phil let out a small laugh at the way I talked about Lily. The guys didn’t really know much about her, except for that she was my best friend.

“I keep forgetting that your family and friends lives in another country. It’s like you were meant to be here. In London I mean… not the house… uh. So Dan and I will take care of the chores for this week. All you’ll have to do is your laundry.” said Phil managing to get a little bit of awkward into the situation.

“What, you don’t want to accidently touch my bra or something? Is that why you won’t do my laundry?” I asked putting on a pouty face.

“Yeah, pretty much.” Phil replied causing us to laugh again.

“Do you really have to leave?” Phil asked.

His smile had fallen into a slight frown.

“It’ll only be for a little while.” I said trying to cheer him up a bit. It didn’t really work.

“I’m really bummed that we won’t get to spend any time with you before you leave. I really wanted to hang out with you when we got back from Vidcon. We didn’t even really get to do anything today.” said Phil.

He really did look bummed, but I didn’t have a choice.

“I might be able to hang out with you after work a couple of nights.” I said, hoping I really would be able to. I know I missed the guys when they were gone.

“Yeah I hope so.” Said Phil hopefully.

“So didn’t you guys say I had to fill out some paper work or something for when I moved in?” I asked remembering the night they asked me to stay.

“Oh don’t worry about that now. We’ll get it all sorted when you come back from your visit home.”

I was thankful that it could wait till then. I don’t think I could cram one more thing into my to-do list for before I left.

“Phil,” I said causing Phil to look up. “Don’t you mean we’ll sort it out when I get home?” I said with a smirk bumping my knee into his. The fact that I called the flat home made him beam.

Ever since I made the decision to stay, this place has felt more like home than any other flat I’ve stayed in. Phil wrapped me in a hug and then got up off my bed and headed to the door.

“Goodnight. Oh, can you tell Dan that I’ve gone to bed?” I asked Phil causing him to turn and look back at me.

“Yeah, I’ll let Dan know. Goodnight.”

And with that Phil opened the door and walked out of my room shutting the door behind him.

I quickly got changed for bed. My mind was filled with thoughts of going home. I was excited and nervous. Excited because I got to see Lily, who I missed dearly, and my family. Nervous because it had been a while since I had been there last. It seemed like something had changed every time I went back. I was also kind of nervous because of the last time I was home.

I really wanted to see my brother and my Dad. I haven’t talked to them in such a long time. I felt bad that I had only talked to my Dad a couple of times in the last year but I didn’t want to call the house.

I was too afraid that my mom would pick up the phone. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to my mom, it’s just I don’t want her to talk at me. She still treats me like I’m fifteen and don’t know what I doing with my life.

Of course I don’t actually know what I’m doing with my life but my mother thinks that college is the only way for me to find out. She doesn’t understand that everyone has their own “Journey to find their life meaning” as my dad would put it.

He and my brother found their callings much easier than me. My dad said he always wanted to be a doctor for as long as he could remember. And my brother, he was always good at fixing things and he always was taking things apart to see how they worked. He was the smart one.

Even Lily knew what she wanted to do with her life. She has always loved kids so it was no surprise to anyone when she decided to go to school to be a teacher. I’m the only one that when asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?” only ever answered with an “I don’t know”.

My family always thought I would end up going to Julliard, but my grades were never really that good and the only instrument I play well is the piano and I’m really not that good. Plus I never liked recitals. I didn’t like the attention and the pressure made me mess up. Rock star was just not in the cards for me.

I snapped out of my head and noticed I was standing in the middle of my room looking like an idiot. I really have to get this internal monologue thing under control before I start talking out loud to myself.

I made sure to plug my phone in and set an alarm for early in the morning. I felt like these work days were going to kill me before I even got the chance to go home. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. No if I died, Lily would bring me back just to kill me herself.

I turned off my light and made a run for the bed crawling under the covers and getting comfortable before the monsters got me. Yes I am in my twenties and I still run to the bed so the monsters don’t get me. I watched The Messengers. I know what kind of scary things can be hiding under the bed.

When I finally found that comfortable spot, I felt myself slipping into dream land. The last thing I saw in my mind before I fell asleep, was Dan’s face. Eyes lit up by the happiness I had caused him and a huge grin on his face. His happiness was beautiful.