Your Beauty Never Stopped You

My fingers were trembling as I did up the last button on my flannel, I would normally wear this undone but I still was self conscious about the way I looked and I didn't want to look fat. Oli has been nothing but nice to me and although he has been all full of sweetness, you can still in his eyes that he's afraid. Afraid that as soon as Vic comes on I'll just drool and follow him like a lost puppy. Although I shouldn't think about someone else when I'm in a relationship I still am, I keep thinking about the little mexican and the bad thing is it brings me joy. Oli keeps me happy but I don't feel a spark as much as I did, it's still there just not strong. I took a look at myself in the mirror, I do this all the time and all I feel is self-hatred. 'Ugly' I thought 'fat' 'worthless' 'nobody will ever love you' I just kept thinking the worse of myself until I had to look away because I felt the tears welling up behind my eyes. "Why you crying love?" The voice of my boyfriend questioned by the door. I felt arms wrap around my waist, I instinctively tensed. He sighed "Don't cry over me. I love you, you do know that?"His voice shook a bit at the last bit. I nodded, "I know, I love you too. But I'm not crying over you" He raised an eyebrow trying to get me to tell him but I didn't let a word slip.

At the minute I have been getting fed everyday and even though that's a good thing I just feel fat now. I forgot I never mentioned, after the whole Vic rejection thing my self-esteem shattered. I become in my own world of depression and the slightest insult or complaint I would take to heart. I begun to start skipping meals and I would starve myself for days on end, throw up when I did eat and that's when my eating problem began. I soon got taken to therapy because the school was worried, not my parents. They couldn't give a shit about me when they found out the reason I started all this. This is where my prince comes in and sweeps me off my feet and makes me better, in a kind of way I guess. No this isn't Oli as you all are probably thinking, it was a guy that worked as a teen support at a youth thing there. His name was Justin, he was attractive, not Vic, but attractive people tend to have arrogance in them. So being the naive person I am, I allowed myself to think that never good could happen if I paid any attention to him. He found me one night, alone and at the park swinging. He scared the fuck outta me but it was worth it at the time. We started to hang out everyday and thats when he kissed me and I freaked out and backed away for a while. He sent me text after text apologising, saying he was sorry and wouldn't do it again. I agreed to meet him and the first thing I did was kiss him and I say and quote "Why not maybe I want to kiss you". Thats when he asked me to be his boyfriend. He never took me anywhere in public and when he did he just said he wasn't into public affection, I thought nothing of it. He helped me get better and I guess in one way I should be grateful. One night he took me to a party and I didn't know anyone there so I felt like a wallflower. I wondered around aimlessly taking random sips out of the cup in my hand, then the next thing I know is Justin runs up to me and anxiously asked me to take a drink out of the cup in his hand. I did, I mean he was my boyfriend what could possibly happen to me if I drank it. But boy was I so far from the truth. He drugged me and practically raped me. I woke up the next morning with a sharp pain from my ass, a naked Justin next to me and a missing virginity. I left there as quick as I could and decided that the day I left school I would move away and never look back, I was now pretty much better I ate normally-most of the time and I started to smile on my own.

Shit, Justin will be at the reunion, I completely forgot. "-llin Kellin" I turned to face Oli, who was now looking at me curiously. "Yeah sorry something just crossed my mind" I shrugged it off and avoided his gaze, as I knew he could read me just like a book. "Well, we better get going" He smiled, which I returned. He could tell I didn't want to talk, I was very grat..."Oh and you can tell me why you spaced out on the way" Of course, he wouldn't leave it. As we sat in the car I looked everywhere but at Oli. I didn't even realise my leg was shaking until I felt a reassuring hand on my thigh "I understand what was going on back home" I turned to face him now, completely unaware that he knew, i silently told him to carry on "You're worried I'm going to get jealous about Vic aren't you" I smiled that he thought that was the problem "No its just, Uh... S-somebody going to b-be there" It was his time to be confused he beckoned me on by raising his eyebrow "It's not Vic though" He visibly relaxed when he heard that "But who then I don't want you to feel uncomfortable" He smiled at me adoringly, I loved that smile "J-J-Justin" I mumbled hoping he wouldn't hear, I knew he did though. As soon as the word left my mouth his knuckles turned white as he held on to the steering wheel.

The rest of the ride was quiet, I think we both how Justin would act when he saw me. Even though Oli hit me millions of times, he never forced me to drink anything or drug me. And that's why I still love him, crazy I know but I do. Justin completely broke my trust and I never thought anyone could get it back but Oli did. For that alone is why I am sat in a car right now with the person I love with all my heart. I took a deep breath as the car stopped, without even looking I knew we were here, no matter how much I didn't want to be. He faced me and smiled at me, I relaxed a bit. He got out and when to my side of the car and opened it, offering his hand, which I gratefully took, we walked into the place that ruined my teenage experience.