Nothing Really Matters

She made me happier then I had been for a very long time. She had been in my life for less than two weeks but I knew I didn’t want to spend another day without her. And I also knew how insane this was. I didn’t even fell in love that easily to begin with. And I sure as hell wasn’t the one to wear my emotions on my sleeves like I had the past weeks. I was usually not that skilled at showing my feelings, but she made my heart bleed right in front of her like a little bitch. She had me wrapped around her skinny finger and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. Didn’t want to ether for that matter. Nothing really mattered anymore. Just her. Just us. I didn’t care that she would probably end up breaking my heart a hundred times over. I didn’t care that she was 18 years younger than me. I didn’t care that pretty much everyone I knew would probably think this was insane and I knew some would even try to talk me out of it. They were probably right to. This wasn’t going to be, to use her words, a walk in the park. But I was going to fight for her. I had to. And after she finally decided to let her guard down completely and we spent what most have been the hottest 4 hours of my life, there was no way I was going to let her go without a fight.

“You ready?”
She was standing by the bed, putting the last of her things in her backpack. The same one she had had when she first got here, although a brand new was waiting just beside the door.
“Yeah.”
“I didn’t get you a new one to just watch, you know.”
“I know but I’ve… I’ve had this one since I first got here and it’s my lucky pack, believe it or not. “
“You’re right, I don’t believe that.”
“4 days after I got here, I almost fell down the subway tracks over at Broadway, but this got caught on something, saving my ass.”
“Well, in that case, keep that bag.”
As she spun around to face me, bag in her hand, I was there to catch her attention, grabbing her by the waist. She gasped a little in surprise but got over it quickly and reached up to kiss me. It was a real problem, that we couldn’t just kiss. This time she wrapped her legs around my waist as I lifted her to the bed, but she suddenly tugged at my hair a little too hard for me not to notice.
“Damn, girl…”
“Sorry. But we really need to get going. We can’t do this all over again.”
“Are you sure?”
I even gave her my sad puppy eyes, but she still pushed me away and sat up.
“Come on, don’t look at me like that, I might just give in.”
“Good.”
I grabbed her again and pushed her back down to the bed, catching her lips in the same move. She laughed before kissing me back. The next thing I knew she was gone again and when I finally got my head straight she was halfway towards the front door. How the hell could she move that fast?
“Oh, fuck you!”
“You will be, but not now.”
“Haha, very funny, missy.”
I groaned loudly but realized she was right, we really needed to get going. 5 minutes later we were in the elevator, going down to the garage.
“Oh screw it!”
I watched in confusion as she suddenly pushed the emergency stop bottom and the lift halted with a jerk. The same second she grabbed me by the waistband of my jeans and had them of in record time. In return I pinned her to the closest wall and returned the same favor.
An important looking man in a suite and briefcase stood tapping his foot in irritation once the lift finally hit the garage. He stopped dead however once we stepped out. Don't blame him, I would probably have laughed my ass off. She was just about to straighten out her messy hair and I had just bottom up my jeans.
"What's up?"
She burst out laughing when I spoke as we walked past the now astound man.
"Oh, you're so mean...."
"You started it!"
"Yeah, well... You're too damn hot to resist."
"I'm glad and thank you.... By the way, you don't drive do you?"
"I had a license but no, not for the past 5 years."
"I had an idea."
I pulled out from the garage and we were finally on our way to my home away from home.
"About what?"
"I just kinda hate the fact that you don't exist, you know legally."
"I really don't care..."
"I know you don't but I do. It's just fucked up so I figured... I mean can't you get a new identity?"
"What do you mean? Like a whole new person?"
"Yeah. I mean people in witness protection can get a new identity, why not you?"
"You watch too much TV. I doubt it's that easy. Why do you care so much about that?"
"It just pisses me of like hell that your own parents did that to you. I mean instead of trying to find you, although I know you really didn't want to, but still... Declaring you dead is just sick... I mean, do you have a gravestone too or what?"
"I don't know."
"Would you ever considering going back?"
"To Boston? Why would I? I've nothing there, except maybe my brother’s grave."
"What was his name?"
"Alex."
"Did you go to his funeral?"
"No. I was stuck here, so to speak..."
"So how did you find out?"
"He found out, I guess he talked to some of my family members... I had always thought Alex would be my knight in shiny armor, you know, coming to rescue me once he got back home. When he died, John manage to crush the last bit of hope that I had of surviving, telling me he died."
"I lost my father."
"Yeah... It sucks."

She looked out the window looking lost in thought. I decided to let her wander. I needed to do the same for a while. Soon we left New York City behind and hit the i95. She was asleep before the first hour of driving had past. She seemed restless, like she was having a bad dream. I wounded for the millionth time what was going on inside that head. I would have given up an arm to be able to hear her thoughts. I wasn't even aware of doing it but suddenly her hand was in mine. She tangled her fingers with mine and held on tight, still sleeping but it seemed it calmed her down slightly. I realized I like it, smiling to myself. Just being close to me, calmed her down and I was amazed I could have that affect on her. But then she did the same to me. I got restless, not knowing where she was and that she was ok. How I would survive 6 months of 10 hour/days of work I had no idea. I might just have to track her again. I would always worry about her leaving. Even now, when she was inches away and holding my hand I wondered if she was planning to leave the first chance she got. It was stressful as hell. I suddenly heard my phone ring and snapped out of my daydreams to answer it before she woke up.

"Yeah?"
"What's up, Norman?"
"Andy...! Hey. I'm in the car right now. How are you doing?"
"Fine, fine. We got back to Atlanta this morning. Just wanted to know when you guys are getting back."
"I'm not sure yet..."
"What do you mean?"
"We're driving. Left only a couple of hours ago."
"Why the hell would you drive?"
"She wanted to, besides it gives me some time to prepare her for what's coming..."
"Well if you're here Sunday night, I'm inviting you over for dinner."
"Thanks. Just us, right?"
"No worries, bro it's just you. I figured after I freaked her out by offering a hug, this might take some time."
"Yeah..."
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just a bit...Fucked up right now."
"Are you sure this is what you want? Is she really worth it?"
"What the fuck do you think?!"
"Sorry, man... I just don't like that....I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. I didn't mean to get you upset. I just didn't see this coming."
"Yeah I know, me nether."
"So you're really in love with her?"
"Over my fucking head..."
"Wow. What about her?"
"We're still working on it but I think I've got her convicted on some level."
"You screwed her, didn't you? I know you told me you hadn't when we went for coffee but you have now, right?"
"Why would I discus my sexlife with you?"
"So you got a sexlife now...? Good for you."
"Fuck you, Andy....But, yeah I do. And it's good, I'll tell you that."
"I'm sure it is, man. I'm glad for you, really, just a little worried what this girl can do to you."
"Have you seen her? She doesn't even weigh 100 pounds."
"You know that's not what I mean, Norman. She drew a knife on you."
"You saw that, huh?"
"Yeah...."
"Then you know she actually didn't use it.... She's not use to people being... well, nice to her."
"What the hell happened to her? Did she tell you?"
"Yeah, I few days ago."
"What happened?"
"I really don't think I'm the person to tell you, Andy. If she wants you to know, she will tell you."
"Come on! She will never trust me like that."
"Not if you keep forcing your hugs on her...! It's been a fucking week, chill a little man. I'm not sure she trusts me completely yet."
"Of course she does. She loves you."
"What makes you say that?"
"The way she looked at you.... I wish someone had looked at me like that."
"Come on, you got your wife."
"Yeah but that's different then what you've right now... this is kinda exciting, I've never known Mr. Reedus in love."
"Oh shut up!"
"Fine... Drive safe, ok? I hope I'll see you Sunday. Give me a call, will you?"
"Sure. Say hi to the wife and kids from me."
"Always. She's very quite."
"She's asleep. Take care, Andy."
"You too. I will see you later."
"Yeah."
When we hung up I realized she was awake. Her breathing had changes next to me and her fingers were moving in my hand.
"Were you listening?"
"Yeah... He's loud."
"Yeah I know, he has always been. What do you think about going for dinner at his place?"
"I'm thinking about it. But he's right about this taking time."
"He just gets a little too excited some times. Don't worry, I'll talk to him if you want me to."
"I'll keep that in mind. What exactly did you mean about being over your fucking head in love with me?"
Shit, I knew she would ask but I still got nervous about actually telling her. When I gave her a swift look however, she looked back at me with an eyebrow raised.
"I'm not good at this shit..."
"What? Expressing your feelings? Cause that's a load of crap."
"Ok, I'm usually not good at this, feelings and shit but with you... I think you broke down my walls as well. You've made me feel things and I've no idea why, but right now it feels like I'm just an open book for you to read...."
"Yeah, you are. Aren't you always?"
"Hell no! But, yeah I'm in over my fucking head in love with you, but you already knew that."
"Yeah, kinda hard to miss that. It's just fucked up that you actually are."
"Why are you saying that?"
"Because you shouldn't... You should stay clear from me if you value your sanity. I'm a mess and I'm not sure I'll ever work this shit out. I'm not.... normal."
"Who the hell wants normal? I sure as hell don't want that. And keeping my sanity is a lost cost already. I've always been a bit crazy. You need to let me in."
"That's just it, I'm not sure I'm still able to. What if this is how far I'm able to let you in...? Fucking my brains out. You want more then that. You need more then that."
"We will get there."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because I know some part of you have already fallen in love with me too. You would never have let me touch you like I did, if you hadn't."
"Damn, I had hopped you never figured that out..."
"Why?"
"Because I'm trying very hard not to fall in love with you."
"Please stop with that."
She chuckled as she leaned in to kiss my cheek.
"I'm might just have to."
"It's great being in love with me, trust me, I know. You should really give it a try."
" You might be a bit unbiased. You were right about one thing though. The sex was awesome."
"It sure was."
“Where are we? Could you try to find some drive through or something, I’m hungry?”
“Absolutely. What do you want?”
“Doesn’t really matter… Just out of curiosity, what do you mead to prepare me for?”
“6 months of madness. We shoot pretty much 10 hours a day, sometimes throughout the night. We’re a real tight group, they’re my family but… I want you to be that too. I really need this to work out.”
“What if it doesn’t? What if I can’t be part of your family?”
“Do I really have to think about that?”
“Yeah, you really do.”
“Then I would drive you back home to New York and wish you a happy life.”
“Good.”
“Good….? Now, hold on, that’s not good! You’re supposed to say that I should choose you, not them.”
“You should never walk out on our family for someone else, that’s what I believe. And I knew that’s where stand as well, so yeah, it’s a good thing you didn’t decided to lie to me and actually stay loyal to those that matters most to you.”
“They don’t though. Not anymore. So I really, really, need this to work out. I can’t leave them but at the same time I knew I couldn’t leave you ether.”
“Just give me some time.”
“You can have all the time in the world.”
“And no fucking surprises.”
“I swear.”
“You need to give me run through all the actors. Who’s left?”
“Have you caught up with all the seasons?”
“Yeah. I watched the last episodes last night.”
“When?”
“I couldn’t sleep”
“Are you having nightmares?”
“Sometimes…”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“To get rid of my nightmares? No, not really. Sometimes it helps when you are closer, sometimes it doesn’t… Thanks.”
I handed her the bag of food and intended to keep on driving, but she stopped me.
“Pull over.”
“Why?”
“Are we honestly in such a hurry you can’t stop to eat? Park the damn car.”
“Fine.”
“I should really give you your money back.”
She crumbled the paper of her sub and drank the last of the soda before gathering all the garbage around us.
“Fuck the money, I don’t need them. I’ve enough money to go around.”
“It most be nice. How much are you making?”
“Well, Miss Richardson, are you starting to like the money?”
“I didn’t mean it like that…
“Yeah I know. I make about 100 000 $/episode”.
“Damn, really? Then you’re not getting your money back… I wouldn’t care if we spent our nights with the sky as our roof. It would only be a bit more complicating. For one, I wouldn’t be able to do this…”
She leaned over to me, grabbing my crotch as she did so, and kissed me hard.
“Why would the sky stop you from this?”
She climbed into my lap as I pushed the set back as far as it would go.
“It’s illegal to have sex out in public in New York.”
“So what do you call this?”
She had begun to pull my shirt up over my head and once it was of she leaned back slightly to look at me.
“It’s your car, right? And you got tinted windows…. Fuck, you’re hot.”
“You’re making me blush…!”
“Come on, you most have heard that a hundred time a day by now.”
She kept kissing me, while talking and I returned to favor by removing her shirt and bra in one swift motion.
“That might be true, but I don’t care what everyone else thinks… Fuck, you’re beautiful.”
She threw her head back slightly as I leaned in to kiss her throat and neck. Her hands found their way into my hair and I could feel her grabbing it tighter as I my lips found her breasts.