Nothing Really Matters

I hadn't been able to leave him. At least not completely. Going back to New York wasn't going to work. Already the first night without him I had returned, just to watch him. The woods behind his house gave a great hiding place. He knew I was there and on Sunday morning he had tried to find me, making his way through the woods. This kind of pain was worse than actual physical pain because I knew the cuts and bruises could heal but this was something new and so much worse. Would it ever stop? Thankfully Andy took care of him, I had known he would and it was with relief I watch them leave the house together. There really wasn't any point in staying after that. I knew he would try to stay away as much as he possible could. Didn't want to be remained each day what we had had and what could have been if I had just been normal with a normal family. Not this psycho, controlling father whose goal in life seemed to be destroying even the smallest bit of happiness for his own daughter. I hadn't really hated him for this reason before, because there hadn't been anyone I cared about like I cared about Norman. But now I hated him to the deepest pits of hell and back again. Everything went back to routine while I waited him out. I knew he would give up finding me sooner or later, he always did. I slept somewhere new every might, keeping to the most crowded places in Atlanta. I hated it, but if he should find me I would make sure he went down with me. I slept, ate, moved around, slept and repeat. Finally in mid June I knew he wasn't in Atlanta anymore. I had spotted him almost every other day since I left but a whole week suddenly passed he was nowhere to be found. I waited another week to make absolutely sure but finally I actually started to relax a little. Even though I knew he probably had given my picture to every cop in the state, I had managed worse. I was only one of many and sooner or later I would just be another missing person.

"Baby, please I need to know you’re ok…. Just pick up the phone, London and tell me you’re alive. I’m going to pieces here, Lo. I know why you left and I knew I was wrong. He came looking for you…. I wanted to kill him. I really wanted to kill him. I know it probably would make things worse but at least you would be safe. I miss you so fucking much. The days just blur together, you know filming, sleeping, eating, filming. It’s not even fun anymore. I just do it because… Well, because I have to and I hate it. I hate that you can make me this fucked up. I’ve tried to forget about all this, about you but I just… I love you. I know I shouldn’t anymore but there’s no way back from this. I’ve been trying for the past month, since you left but I just don’t think this is it. It can’t be. I know you waned this to work out just as much as I did. I hope you still do. I know you’re still in Georgia, I’ve see you outside the house a few times. And I figured it had to mean something, right? You do care. You have to, cause it can’t just have been those three weeks. I can’t go one living with just three weeks of… well, now fucked up memories…. Sometimes I wonder if it was just a dream. You said it was a fairytale. And it was, but now this is just a fucking nightmare. I didn’t think life could be like this. I mean, I didn’t know I could get this fucked up by some bitch… So please just… Please, Lo, just call me, text me, anything."

I had a new voicemail waiting when I finally found it safe to turn the phone back on for a short time. I knew my father was probably tracking it but I always made sure I was ready to move. He had left other messengers, both text and voicemail. They hadn’t been as many as right after I left, but he had left almost daily texts. This far I hadn’t answered any of them.

Hey…
Where are you???!!!
Doesn’t matter. I’m fine.
What has your pig’s name?
???
Just making sure you’re you.
Sara.
I miss you so fucking much.
Don’t.
I can’t help it. I want you to come home.
I really just wanted to let you know I was ok, I can’t keep on texting you. He will track me down.
Why now?
Coz he ani’t looking for me anymore. Take care, Norman. I’m sorry.
I love you.

It was hot as hell in Georgia in July. The evenings weren’t even any cooler and the only breeze around was just driving one of the bikes a little too fast through the roads. It also kept my mind somewhat occupied. I could remember our good days while riding. She had loved it. The freedom. We had been out a few nights just driving. Now I was always on my own. She had been gone for more than a month. She had been missing out of my life longer then I had actually known her.
It was getting dark as I drew back to the studio, for an all night shoot. I headed straight for my trailer, for once not in the mood for company. And she was there. Curled up by the end of the sofa, as far away as she could be from the door. The door closed behind me, hitting me in the back because I hadn’t moved further inside. She had gotten a real nice tan and it seemed she had kept on eating pretty good, cause she had put on more weight. She had dyed her hair. The dark blood curls where gone, now she was almost as dark as I was. But still as beautiful. I stood there staring at her for a good couple of minutes and she kept starring right back at me.

“How…How did you get in here?”
“I walked in.”
“Really?”
“No, not really. I’ve been staying around for 2 days now, trying to find a way in. The security is pretty tight.”

I finally managed to get my feet working again and I took a few steps closer to her. She moved a little, relaxing slightly. She followed my every move until was sitting at the other end of the sofa. It wasn’t a big one. If I reached out my arms towards her, I would be able to touch her again.

“You dyed your hair.”
“Yeah.”
“I like it.”
“I haven’t got use to it yet.”
“Why you here?”
“I don’t know… I tried going back to New York at first but I just… I couldn’t do it. Do you want me to leave again?”

She bowed her head and I realized she might not have thought about that. She had just assumed I would be waiting for her. She was right of course but a rather large part of my still broken heart told me to ask her to go to hell. The other part, the one that had loved her from first sight and that would never stop, told me to jump right back into it again.

“No… No, Lo I don’t want you to leave. Ever again. Didn’t you get all my texts and voicemail?”
“Yeah but… You should forget about me.”
“No can do, babe, sorry, too late for that.”
“Yeah I figured… But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
“You already did the first time. I don’t care about all that shit. You are here now and that’s the only thing that matters to me. You can’t scare me away again. I won’t let you.”
“He’s going to hurt you if he knows…”
“I don’t give a shit.”
“I do.”
“So we make sure he doesn’t know. You said he left, right? I mean, he’s probably back in Boston then?”
“I guess.”
“We can move, change phones…”
“No. Phones, yes sure, but you’re not moving. Not because of him. Besides if you did move, he would know something was up. That’s the first thing people do when they want to hide, they move.”
“So what do you suggest we do?”
“Hide in plain sight.”
“I don’t follow.”
“We just have to make sure I’m not spotted close to the house. You’ve had cops driving past there pretty much every day for a while now, right?”
“Yeah…”
“Give it a couple of more weeks and they’ll be gone. Until then I can stay here.”
“I want you home.”
“I will sneak in. I’m good at that, remember?”
“Yeah… I will talk to the security team.”
“They can’t stop a federal agent if he comes knocking, Norman.”
“I know that, but they can tell me if he shows up.”
“What if he does show up then?”
“You run.”
“Not without you… You need to get one thing about all this… He will try to kill you if he finds out about us. “
“Why?”
“Because he’s fucked up… He has never wanted anyone to love me. He said at one point a long time ago that this was how God punished whores like me. A loveless life, living in constant fear of letting someone closes. I mean, he even killed Sara for fuck’s sake, because she didn’t run away from me.”
“I love you…. I love you, London and nothing you say or anything he does is going to change that.”
“You’re too good to be true, you know that?”
“Maybe your brother was right. That there really was someone out there waiting for you. You can’t let him win, Lo. You said you didn’t want them to win but they do if you run away again.”
“You should hate me.”
“Probably, but I don’t do hate.”
“You said you waned to kill him.”
“I did… I do. I want to get rid of all your demons and he’s the last one.”
“Yeah.”
“How have you been? Are you ok?”
“Atlanta City ain’t like New York but it’s been fine… I tried to stay under the radar, keep close to large crowds.”
“That can’t have been easy for ya.”
“No, but I didn’t plan on making it easy for him to find me. It’s easier to blend in then to hide in the woods somewhere. Besides if he found me, I wanted people to see it.”
“What were you going to do if he found you?”
“Kill him. Try at least, he would probably be able to kill me first, but I hadn’t gone down without a fight.”
“You’ve put on some weight, you can’t have been going long without food this time.”
“Thanks to Mingus.”
“Huh?”
“So you didn’t know about his hidden stash in the closet?”
“No…”
“He had a tone of cash. I’ve most of it left and I swear I will get him back every penny but I figured that you… I mean, I thought that you might not want me to starve again so…”
“He probably doesn’t even remember he had that there. I’m just glad you’re ok… Can you come here so I can touch you?”

She quickly followed my request and moved closer to me. As I put my hand on her face she closed her eyes and sighed deeply. She jumped a little as the first touch quickly followed by me kissing her lightly. I just had to make sure it was really her. She tasted the same, her full lips felt the same as they had before. My heart started to pound so hard it most have made my shirt move, when her hands came tangled up in my hair as so many times before. This was how it had always been, it was so familiar and so natural and I never wanted it any other way or with anyone else. She was everything I would ever need. She moved into my lap and my hands grabbed her hips, keeping her pressed close to me. She kept exploring my mouth, both of us getting to know each other all over again. This wasn’t a passionate reunion, ether of us wanting to rush things. This was an emotional reunion. Her hands in my hair made me shiver, I had missed this so much. I ran my hands up back, under her shirt and I could hear her moan slightly in my mouth, making me smile. She had missed this just as much as I had. I finally knew she was there to stay, when someone suddenly knocked on the door and without waiting stepped inside. She didn’t even try to get away, just buried her head in my shoulder, turning away from the door.

“Hey, Nor…Oh, sorry…”
Steven looked up from his phone and spotted us on the sofa.
“What’s up?”
“Didn’t realize you had company, sorry… I’ll leave you alone… Just…”
“What?”
“5 minutes until go time.”
“Alright. I’ll be there.”
“Alright then…”

When he closed the door behind him, I could hear her giggle close to my ear and it felt like I was in heave at that point. She was there. She really was there, in my arms.

“You didn’t run.”
“Ain’t much space left for that… Besides…”
She began kissing her way down my neck.
“I feel safe here with you.”
“Good… Will you stay here?”
“Yeah.”
“We’re shooting all night.”
“I know.”
“Hold on…”

As I lifted her off my lap she complained a little but sat back down on the sofa waiting for me while I searched the cabinets. I located one all-access studio keycard I had gotten to give to family members and handed it over to her.

“If you should need something. There’s a restaurant and dressing room with showers and all that in the big building. We will be outside, behind the studio.”
“I know, I’ve been watching you for a while.”
“Right… It's the last night though. We’re moving on, on Monday.”
“Where?”
“Senoia. It’s the same location as Woodbury.”
“Is this coming to?”
“The trailer is coming too, yes.”
“Good. I like it.”
“Really? It’s filthy and smells.”
“It smells like you. I guess that’s why I like it.”

She had gotten to her feet and walked up to me. I had forgotten how perfect she fitted me. She was barley a head shorter than me, the perfect height for me to just slightly lean down to kiss her. This time it was only one, gently kiss before I wrapped her into my arms and hugged her tight. She hugged me just as tightly back, leaning her head to my chest.

“Thank you for coming back.”
“No, thank you for forgiving me.”
“I’m not going to forgive you for something that really isn’t your fault. You don’t get to choose your family. At least not those by blood.”
“You need to go.”
“Yeah, I really should.”
“Go get them, Daryl Dixon.”
“I can’t lose you again.”
“I will be here when you get back.”
“It’s going to be a long night.”
“I haven’t slept more than 5 hours a night the past month, so I think I’ll have plenty to do.”
“Alright. See you later then… I love you.”
“Yeah, see you later.”

For the first time in a very long time I felt safe again. I hated to see him leave, but I still felt safe. He was coming back and I would be there waiting for him. The decision to make it back to him hadn’t been an easy on to make. I had made a list, positive and negative outcomes. The bad outcomes had been more than the good once, but still I had chosen to go back to him. I needed him too much. It was selfish as hell to put him through this again, but I had done this decision based on what my heart wanted, not what my head told me was the right thing to do. I knew I was safe where I was. It really hadn’t been that easy getting inside. The security had been pretty damn good, better than most places I had broken into back in New York. But I guess AMC had a lot to protect. Before turning in to sleep I decided to take him up on his offer and search for the showers and even some food if I could find some. There were only a few people moving around, I guess most of them had gathered at the actual shooting sight. I had learned how to become invincible when I wanted throughout my years on the streets of New York. I found that it worked just as well in the State of Georgia. Taking a hot shower for as long as I could again was something I had really missed. A real stupid thing to be missing, in comparison to everything else, but there was something real cleansing about get rid of weeks of filths. Not that it had been that bad, but an actual hot shower with soap and shampoo had been absent from my life for quite some time.

In the restaurant my luck finally ran out. I knew it would sooner or later but when I walked in only one person was in there. It looked more like a high school canteen then an actual restaurant but I guess it usually were a lot more people around. My first thought was to close the door again and go back to the trailer but the young man collecting some foot onto a plate had already turned around and spotted me.

“Hey.”

Chandler. Damn, he was a lot taller than I thought he would be.

“Good to know I’m not the only one needing a night time snack. I can recommend the toasts, they’re awesome.”

God damn, these people were so fucking nice and friendly. Or maybe this was just how normal people acted when meeting a stranger. I wouldn’t be the best person making that call, seeing had never really been around normal people. I tried to find my voice but the fear that was always so close stopped me. He looked at me for a long time before grabbing another plate and walked up to me. He held out the plate with toast and a bowl of fruit, raising both eyebrows questioning.

“You’re new? I haven’t seen you around before. I’m Chandler.”
“Yeah… Thanks.”
I took the plate from him and made to leave.
“You can stay and eat here. I hate eating alone. Please?”
“I was going back to the trailer…”
“You’re not crew are you?”
“No.”

I took him up on his offer and sat down at the closest table and he joined me after getting us both something to drink. He was such a gentlemen, a well raised kid indeed.

“What’s your name?”
“London.”
“Cool name…! So you’re a fan?”
“Yeah absolutely.”
“So you snuck in?”
“Sort of. “
“Do I need to call security?”
“I rather you wouldn’t. I’m kinda seeing someone from the cast.”
“Really? Who?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Not a whole lot to choose from so you might as well tell me.”
“Is that so? “
“Yeah, not a lot of single one out there anymore.”
“What if I include the girls as well…?”
“Oh really?”
“Why not….? You’re right, these toast are awesome.”
“Told you. I’m still going to say Norman.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Cause Steven has already been running around the whole studio telling everyone about a mysterious brunet in Norman’s trailer.”
“Damn…”
“Not a good thing letting the Korean guy see you making out if you want to keep it a secret.”
“I will keep that in mind, thanks.”
“So how long have you known Norman?”
“Since May.”
“I haven’t seen you around before.”
“That’s because I haven’t been around. I have had to deal with some stuff on my own for the past month and half so we haven’t been… Seeing each other.”
“It’s your fault he’s been in such a nightmare! I knew there was something going on, but they wouldn’t tell me what it was, just to stay away from him. He’s been a real ass lately.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. He’s usually one of the fun once to be around, but the last couple of weeks he’s just been grumpy and angry at everyone. And Andy wouldn’t tell me what was going on, just to let him have some space.”

I couldn’t help but to smile a little at him. He was so annoyed he had been left out from what had happened. He probably felt like he had been treated like a kid, that the adult, in this case Andy, had tried to protect him from something he didn’t feel like he needed protection from. Growing up was heard enough, he was doing it on camera, chasing walkers, constantly surrendered by adults.

“Yeah, it probably is my fault… I moved here with him when you first starting shooting in May, we had only known each other for about 2 weeks before then.”
“I really don’t have any experiences in relationships, but that sounds just fucking stupid in my ears.”
“It was stupid. But sometimes even adults don’t think things through before acting.”
“How old are you?”
“28.”
“Isn’t Norman like 45 or something?”
“46, yeah…”
“Ok… So it didn’t work out? Living together?”
“No, no it did, it was great.”
“So why did you leave?”
“I had some stuff to deal with… I don’t have the best of families and things just got a little out of hand.”
“But there’re fine now?”
“Not really. But I couldn’t stay away from him.”
“Why not?”
“It just made me miserable.”
“That’s what he’s been too. Miserable.”
“Sorry about that… Thanks for the chat, I really need to get some sleep.”
“No, thank you for keeping me company.”
“No problem.”
“I will see you around?”
“Yeah, you probably will.”
“Good, coz miserable Norman really sucks.”