Nothing Really Matters

As I entered the bedroom, she was still in the exact same position I had left her in. Crawled up in a fetal position. I was in the bathroom, just pulling my cloths of when a blood chilling scream filled the entire house. She was thrashing around in the bed, beating both arms in front of her, screaming at the top of her lungs. Sean burst through the door at the same time as I managed to wrap my arms around her.

“You ok?!”
“Fine. Go!”

He backed out seconds later and closed the door behind him. The moment she opened her eyes the screaming stopped and a second after, when she finally saw me, she stopped kicking. Her entire face was drowned in cold sweat. She wrapped her arms and legs so hard around me I let out an involuntary whimper.

“I’m right here, baby. Calm down, Lo, I’m here. No one is gonna hurt you.”

She was crying again. Big, heaving sobs, making me wonder at one point if she was actually able to breathe at all. I kept talking quietly to her, stroking her hair, kissing her face, until I could feel her relax in my arms. She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. I could hear her inhale to speak and I knew what she was going to say but she really didn’t need to apologize.

“Don’t say you’re sorry, you don’t need to. Are you ok?”
“No….No, I’m not ok, not at all.”

The fact that she actually admitting to this was a huge leap in the right direction in my eyes. She had always put on a brave, strong face, not allowing anyone to see her weak, not even me. At least not like this.

“I’m sorry, baby. Tell me what to do to help.”
“Just hold me. For now, just hold me.”
“You’re cold as ice, sweetie. Come on, let’s get you a bath.”

It felt like I had gone back 10 years in time, to a time when I had undressed a struggling Mingus before bath time. Only difference was that she wasn't struggling at all. She just stood where I put her down on the floor, not moving an inch while I filled the tub. She looked like she was a thousand miles away, not able to focus on anything. I had to put both hands on her face before she was able to look me in the eye and actually see me. Her eyes were red and glassy.

"Look at me, London. I'm right here."
"Is he ok?"
"Sean? He's fine."
"I don't know what happened...."

I found no resistant at all when I started to undress her. She was just limp all over, like she had given up and it scared the hell out of me. I climbed into the hot water behind her and wrapped her tightly in my arms. At first she just sat there but after a while she placed her head to my chest and I could hear her take a deep breath.

"Do you need me to call Dr. Carter?"
"Yeah, I think you do..."
"Ok... I love you, Lo. You know that, right?"
"Yeah.... I'm sorry. I just... It was so real. It felt so real."
"What did?"
"It was like he was here. Like I was back with him again. The darkness and the alcohol and just... I know I fucked up. I haven't seen his face for so long. Please don't hate me..."

She turned around completely and looked at me with tears in her eyes and a look I had never seen before. Begging and pleading. She was terrified and when it took me a second too long to answer I could see her disappear. Her eyes went blank and she moved away from me.

"Lo...No. No, baby. Come here. Just look at me. Please, London."

She didn't respond but kept staring into the water.

"I don't hate you. I love you. I love you, Lo."

I was at a total lost how to help her get through this. I didn't know what to do. She had wanted me to call Dr. Carter so that was the only thing I could do. She was coming over tomorrow anyway so I just prayed she had flown down to Georgia by now. I had a bad feeling about leaving her in the tub but I had to help her. Quickly I collected the phone in the bedroom and dialed her emergency number. On the 3rd ring she picked up.

"Mr. Reedus?"
"You need to get here. Now."
"I'm on my way. What's wrong? Is London alright?"
"No."
"Where is she?"
"In the bathroom right...."
"Alone?"
"Yes...?"
"Hang up and go to her right now. I'll be there in an hour."

Panic rushing through me like the blood in my veins when she hung up on me. I should have known to always trust my gut. She was completely submerged under the water when I sprinted back in. Her eyes stared without seeing as I ran back into the tub, splashing half the water to the floor, and pulled her to the surface again. She couldn't have been under for more than a few seconds but she threw up a lot of water once I shook her. She didn't even seemed to notice me when I forced her face up, making sure she got all the water from her lungs. Tears fell down both my checks when I tried to get through to her, but she just lay there in my arms like a ragdoll.

"God, London, please. Tell me what to do. Please baby."

When I picked up the phone from the drenched floor to call 911, her hand closed around my wrist the same second am operator picked up. She made me drop it into the tub as she whispered so low I had to bend down to her to hear her.

"Please, no hospital...."
"Ok. Dr. Carter will be here soon, baby. She's going to help you. Please, Lo just stay with me."
"Norman?"

I heard the bedroom open and Sean's footsteps approached. She show no sign what so ever that she had heard him. He stopped dead in the doorway when he carefully pushed it open further.

"I just..."
Words failed him when he saw us. He even had to lean on the doorway for support.
"Could you... Could you call Andy?"
He just nodded.
"Take her phone, it's in the bed. 0622 is the code. Andy's should be the first number."
"Do you... What can I do?"
"Just call Andy."
"What about an ambulance?"
"No. No hospitals. It's not going to help."
"Ok... I'll call Andy."

……………………………………..

The phone woke me up past midnight and when I saw London's number on the display a million thoughts went through my head before I managed to answer it.

"Lo? What's wrong?"

It wasn't London's voice on the other line.

"Andrew?"
"Who is this?"
"This is Sean."

It took me a few seconds to process who the man was but it finally clicked together when I remember Norman had told me Sean Patrick Flanery was visiting for a few days.

"Right... Hey. Is everything alright?"
"No. Norman needs you to get here ASAP."
"Is she alright?"
I was already getting out of bed. My wife turning to look at me with confusion.
"No, man... Fuck, I don't know...."
"Is she still there?"
"Yeah, she's here. Sort of... "
"I will be there as soon as I can.... She doesn't like strangers."
"No shit...?"

I was already dressed before he hung up the phone and my wife asked what was going on.

"I need to head over there."
"Yes of course. Go. Call me if you need any help."
"Yeah. I love you."

I kissed her quickly before rushing out the door and drove too fast all the way to their house. I got there at the same time as a cab pulled up outside. A woman that could be none other than Dr. Carter stepped out of the cab and hurried towards the front door. She turned to me when she rang the door bell.

"Mr. Lincoln I suppose?"

She said when I didn't bother to wait for someone to answer the door but burst inside, using my own key.

"Dr. Carter."

I nodded shortly to her before closing the door behind the both of us.

"Norman? Lo?"
"In the bathroom."

I heard Norman call out at the same time as Sean came to met us. He was pail to the point of white. I couldn't blame him. When I entered the bathroom I felt like all the blood drained from my body and I just stared at the couple on the floor. They were both soaking wet. She was wrapped in a towel in his lap. Her eyes staring unseeing into the air. Her body was completely limp in his arms. It seemed she hadn't reacted at all to the fact that I burst into the bathroom, closely followed by the good doctor.

"You gotta help her."

The desperate begging in his voice made me fall to my knees by her head. It was bad. As bad as it could get. She was gone. None responsive at all. Apathetic. He was lost as well, the tears had dried on his face. His lips were almost blue from being on the cold floor, naked and wet. He didn't care. He just held her as close as possible.

"Lo...?"

My voice came out in a whisper as I tried to swallow the tears that wanted to escape. I stroke her head, praying for a respond that didn't come.

"What happened?"

The doctor was beside me, quickly grabbing her wrist, checking her pulse.

"She.... She had a nightmare I think. She just.... Fuck, she just screamed. It was... Terrifying. She said it had been like she was there again, with him. I tried to.... I wanted to get her warm, she was so cold...."

His gaze suddenly locked with mine.

"She tried to kill herself. Drown herself."
"Why?"

I wasn't able to get a single syllable out but the doctor was quick with her question. I watched as she opened up a big medical bag and stated to gather different small bottle with clear liquid.

"She thinks I hate her.... She asked if I hated her for what she did to Sean."
"What happened with Sean?"
"I don't know. He scared her I guess. But it's nothing that hasn't happened before. She shouldn't react like this. What's wrong with her? You gotta help her. Please...."
"You really need to take her to the hos..."
"No. No hospitals!"

Angry tears escaped his eyes when he glared at the doctor.

"Ok. Then you need to trust me."
"What are you going to do?"

I felt complete freaked out and helpless to the whole situation. She had never acted like this before. She had always fought. Now she has just given up. Because of Sean? I'm not sure how it happened but I remember rushing up from the floor and madly searched for him. He was hovering on the doorway when I flew at him. My fist hitting him hard in the head before I pushed him up against the wall.

"You did this! This is your fault! What the fuck did you do to her?!"

He didn't answer, his hands raised in defense. He just looked back at me in shock and I guess confusion. I panted hard in his face but the fury that had filled me up seconds before slowly faded away. When Norman hand landed on my shoulder I turned to look at him. He was pail as a sheet but at least he had pulled on a pair of sweats, hopefully heating up his frozen body. Slowly I realized my grip.

"Sorry...."
"You might be right. I don't know... I'm sorry. I didn't know.... I just tried to talk to her. She pulled a fucking knife on me. Freaking the hell out of me."
"It's not your fault, Sean."

Norman said but turned away from us to look over to the bed where he had placed her. The doctor
was sitting by her side, examine her patient.

"What's that?"

As the syringe came into sight for all of us, Norman quickly walked up to the bed and I followed.

"She needs something to calm down, to help her ease the panic."
"Will she be alright?"
"I don't know."
"What the fuck are you saying?!"

He almost began to hyperventilating when she stood up after injecting the drugs into her arm. The covers were pulled up to her shoulders where she laid on her said. Her eyes were open and staring into empty space. Her breathing got too slow too quickly. He was frantic, pacing back and forth, pulling his own hair.

"What's wrong with her?"

I took a seat next to her in bed and grabbed her hand. It was cold as ice.

"She in a catatonic state."
"What the fuck does that mean?!"
"Mr. Reedus, you need to calm down."
"Do something!"
"There isn't much I can do right now."
"How long will she be like this?"
"I'm don't know, Mr. Lincoln. It can take a day, a month, a year...."
"Why?! Why now?!"
"Mr. Reedus, please... Could you sit down?"

He looked at her for a few seconds before walking to the other side of the bed and laid down behind her, pulling her close.

"Good. That's the best thing you can do really, stay close to her."
"Why now? Is this my fault?"
"You must be Sean."
"Yeah..."
"No. This isn't your fault. This has nothing to do with any of you."
The doctor took a seat in one of the armchairs down by the foot of the bed.
"So why now?"
"To tell you the truth I'm surprised this hasn't happened yet.... I got hold of her old charts from the time she was picked up from the streets after he died. I've been doing this for more than 30 years and I've never read anything like it before. She shouldn't be alive. After everything he put her through, she should have died 20 times over. How much has she told you?"
"Enough."
I said.
"Alright."
"How much had she told you?"

Norman asked.

"Everything. And what she didn't told me, her medical records told me. Whatever you think she told you and whatever you imagined he did, it was worse than that. She probably told you about the burns and the tying up, right...? That was the easy part. You don't know what really happened and I don't blame you for not wanting to know. But that is why this happened. I can't tell you why but I knew it would happen sooner or later. She needs time to protect herself."
"So there isn't anything you can do?"
"She needs you, Mr. Reedus. And maybe your son."
"Mingus? Why?"
"Some research has proven that children and animals could help getting through this. It's true to pretty much any medical condition really but she.... She really cares about your son, probably more then you know. She needs to feel you close. I will be back tomorrow at noon. She will need fluids."
”You’re leaving? You can’t just go…!”
He sat bolt upright in bed, panic etched on his entire face.
“Mr. Reedus, there’s really nothing more I can do right now. I need to consult with some colleagues of mine. You should know however that they would all want me to move her to a hospital.”
“She asked me not to.”
“She talked to you?”
“Yeah. I called 911 and she grabbed the phone and dropped it into the water, saying she didn’t want any hospitals.”
“Ok… Well, that’s actually good. That she spoke to you.”

I got up from the bed then and walked up to the doctor who had got to her feet, ready to leave.

“There has to be something you can do.”

I tried to keep my voice low, so not to make the man behind me more panicky. He had resumed his place behind her, crawling down beneath the covers with her.

“I’m really sorry, Mr. Lincoln.”
“What do I do if something happens? I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?”

She took a look behind me before grabbing me by the elbow and we walked out from the bedroom. Sean was sitting on the floor outside, leaning to the wall as we walked past him, towards the kitchen.

“If this doesn’t pass soon enough…”
“What’s soon enough?”
“It different from patient to patient, but in her case, given what she has been put through in the past, it will probably just be a few days for her.”
“The what?”
“Her organs will start to shut down. The brain function will slow down. Her body is in extreme stress right now. The drugs I gave her will hopefully help, but… I’ve never seen this before. Usually catatonic people go into hyperactivity, but she is doing the complete opposite which is….Worrying.”
“Worrying?”
“Yes. You need to consider start talking him into changing his mind about bringing her to the hospital. I would feel a lot better having her being monitored.”
“Ok… What do I need to watch out for?”
“If she runs a fewer… Don’t even bother calling me before hand, get her to a hospital.”
“Could she… Could this kill her?”
“Yes. There comes a point in the human body where it won’t be able to take more stress and London has already past that point too many times. She might lose this battle.”
“And you want to leave…? Please…”
“I need to call some colleagues.”
“You can have the upstairs. Just stay. I really don’t know what to do…”
“Ok.”
“Thank you.”
“You should try to get hold of Mingus. She’s has been talking a lot about him during our sessions together.”
“Ok. Are you really allowed to tell me that though?”
“She told me not to keep anything secret from you and Mr. Reedus. She said she didn’t give a crap about doctor/patient confidentiality as long as I didn’t talk to the press.”
“Sounds like her… I’m probably going regret asking this, but what’s the worst thing that happened to her?”
“She called it… Raping parties. Every sixth weekend he hosted raping parties in the house for his friends.”

I swayed, feeling lightheaded. My stomach lurched and I turned to vomit in the kitchen sink.