Explosions

For a few days, Charlie didn’t say much of anything. She was in and out of bed, and when she wasn’t sleeping, she was just staring at the ceiling. J.J. tried to get her to go out to dinner that Sunday night, but she preferred just having some chips in bed. He stayed by her after that, worried for her health.

He touched her arm Tuesday morning when she woke up, and she pulled away from him.

“Charlotte, will you please talk to me?” he asked. “What’s wrong?”

She shrugged and turned onto her side.

“You’ve barely moved from this room since New Year’s,” he said.

“I know,” she replied.

“Charlie, that’s not good enough,” said J.J. “Look, I’m going to the stadium today to lift with some of the guys, and tonight, you’re going to talk to me. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I don’t like it.”

Charlie was silent, and she heard him as he left the room. She waited a long time to move. She heard the car pull out of the driveway, and she still waited. Her eyes scanned the room. She decided J.J. was right. She’d been in here way too long.

She pulled herself out of bed and walked downstairs. She collapsed onto the couch and grabbed for her phone. She’d had three missed calls since yesterday, two of them from June.

June. That was exactly who she needed right now.

Charlie dialed her friend’s number, unsure if she would pick up or not. She would probably be at work or dropping Dean off at daycare. She was two time zones away, but it was worth a shot.

The phone rang for what seemed like forever, but eventually Charlie heard her friend’s familiar voice.

“Charlie, thank god!” she said. “J.J. told me you were sick or something.”

Charlie cleared her throat and said, “No, I’m not sick.”

“Then what?” asked June. “Charlie, he never calls me. I was worried about you.”

Charlie waited a second, taking a few deep breaths.

“Is everything okay?” June asked. “Are you still upset about Kyle?”

“June, I kissed him,” said Charlie.

“You kissed Kyle? Your brother?”

“Ryan. I kissed him. I kissed Ryan.”

The other line went silent. Her heart missed a few beats after she said it, and hearing it come out of her mouth made her want to crawl back into bed.

“Charlie…” came June’s voice.

Charlie’s mouth went dry, and she hid her face in her hands. Her eyes welled up with tears. She gasped for air and shook her head.

“June, it was an accident,” she said. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Have you told J.J.?” asked June.

“No, I don’t know what to say to him,” said Charlie.

“Did you kiss him, or did he kiss you?” June said.

“I…well, he…” Charlie sputtered. “I don’t know. It was kind of a mutual thing.”

“If he kissed you, you don’t have to lie to J.J. about it,” said June.

“June, I don’t want to ruin Ryan’s life here or his relationship with J.J.”

“So you’d risk ruining your own relationship?”

Charlie shook her head and cried, “I don’t know what to do.”

“Have you talked to Ryan about it?” asked June, her voice becoming sympathetic.

“I haven’t talked to anyone about it,” said Charlie. “You’re the first person I’ve really talked to. I don’t think it’s such a great idea to talk to Ryan anyway.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know what to say. What am I supposed to say after something like that?”

“Look, you and J.J. aren’t married. It’s not like you and Ryan had sex, and you said it yourself, it was an accident. Maybe you just talk to him and he’ll understand. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Uh, we could break up?” said Charlie.

“J.J. loves you,” said June. “He wouldn’t break up with you over an accidental kiss.”

“How do you know that, June?”

“Do you want him to find out another way a few months down the road? What if it slips up in a conversation between him and Ryan? What if someone else saw you and puts it out in the media for everyone to see?”

Charlie wiped her eyes and said, “You’re right, June. I should tell him.”

“You just need to be honest with him,” said June. “Running from him is the opposite of what you should do.”

“I wish you were here right now,” said Charlie.

“I wish I could be there too, Char,” June said. “You’re going to get through this, honey. I know it’s going to be okay. I know you love J.J., and you’d never do anything to hurt him. That’s why you need to tell him now before it becomes an issue in the future.”

“Thank you, June,” said Charlie. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

June chuckled and said, “Okay, sure. Call me again soon, okay? Let me know how it goes.”

“You’ll be the first one I talk to.”

“Good-bye, Charlie,” said June.

“See ya, June,” Charlie replied.

Charlie hung up the phone and lay back down on the couch. She looked around the room at the familiar sightings. She glanced over pictures hanging on the walls and sitting on the tables. Her phone beeped, and she looked down. She forgot about her other missed call.

It was from Ryan. Of course, it was from Ryan. She should have ignored it. She knew it would do her no good to worry herself with calling him back, but then she thought about what June had said. Why hadn’t she talked to him about this? After all, it involved him.

He answered almost immediately.

“Charlie, oh my god,” he said. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Charlie. I am so so so sorry. I wasn’t”-

“Ryan,” said Charlie. “Please, let me say something.”

“Okay,” said Ryan.

“I know you didn’t mean to do it,” said Charlie. “I also know that you would never hurt J.J. or myself. You can spare yourself the apology of those things. I just want to know why you did it.”

“I just couldn’t help it,” said Ryan. “Charlie, you’re so wonderful and so beautiful, and to exist in the same time as you is so devastatingly real. I love you, and I always will. I just got caught up in the moment, and I wasn’t thinking properly.”

“How long have you known you’ve still been in love with me?” asked Charlie.

“From the moment I saw you when I looked up at that press conference,” said Ryan. “I was doing so well. I thought I was over you. I loved Liza, and that helped for a while, but she was never you.”

Charlie was silent, and so was Ryan. She brought her knees to her chest and sighed deeply.

“I’m going to tell him, Ryan,” she said. “I hope you know that.”

“You should,” Ryan replied. “He deserves to know.” He paused, and when he spoke again, his voice was quiet and distant. “I never meant to hurt you, Charlie. I didn’t mean it then, and I didn’t mean it now. You deserve something I could never give to you, and I will never be able to apologize enough.”

“Thank you,” said Charlie. “I need to go now, Ryan.”

“Charlie, wait,” said Ryan. “I have to know something.”

“Go ahead,” Charlie said.

Ryan waited a moment, gathering himself. He inhaled slowly, and she heard him shuffling some things around.

“If things were different,” he said, “would you still love me?”

What he said and what he meant were two different things, and Charlie shook her head. She didn’t know how to answer. She didn’t know how to respond in a way that wouldn’t hurt him. She knew she shouldn’t care. He’d hurt her before. Why should she care so much?

“I don’t know, Ryan,” she said finally.

“I want you to be happy, Charlie,” said Ryan. “So…I’m sorry, again.”

He hung up before she could say anything else.

---

Charlie held up the black and orange jersey that had fallen out of her closet. The number taunted her, caught her off guard, and she had to sit down for a moment. She set the jersey on her lap and traced the letters. F-I-T-Z-

The door to the dorm opened, and she jumped up, tossing the jersey to the side. It was June. Her friend eyed her then the jersey. She rolled her eyes and sighed, shutting the door behind her.

“Char, you don’t have to act like that,” she said. “I’m not going to salt and burn his jersey.”

Charlie picked the jersey back up and began folding it. She set it gingerly in her bag, and June snorted. Charlie looked up at her.

“What?” she said.

“You know you’re going to Cleveland right?” said June.

“What does that matter?” asked Charlie.

“Cleveland? Cincinnati?” said June. “They’re rivals. You can’t wear that around the city.”

“Are you suggesting that I salt and burn it then?” said Charlie, sarcasm dripping from her voice.

“Don’t be dramatic,” said June.

“What would you have me do, then?”

“Just get rid of it. Throw it out.”

“Why?”

June placed her hands on her hips and said, “Because he’s not part of your life anymore. He wrecked you, and he almost wrecked your shot at getting this internship because of your grades.”

“Don’t blame my grades slipping on him,” said Charlie. “That was all me, and you know it.”

“Your grades would never have slipped if he hadn’t broken your heart,” said June.

“I’m not just going to forget about him, June,” Charlie replied.

“I think it would be ideal if you did.”

“You don’t get it.”

“Then explain it to me, Charlotte. I honestly don’t get it. I don’t get why you’re so hung up on this asshole. He destroyed your life.”

“He did not destroy my life,” said Charlie. “He made it better. I am devastated that he isn’t a part of it anymore. Sometimes things happen, and you can’t explain it. I was in love with him, June. His heart and mine – they’re connected somehow, and I don’t know why. So please, stop calling him names and stop telling me what he did. I don’t need this from you.”

“Charlotte, you need to hear it”-

“I don’t! I know what happened, June. I was there, remember?”

June watched her friend angrily shove a few more things into her bag. She sat down on the edge of her bed. Charlie was right, but so was she. Things weren’t always so black and white, and she wanted to stop Charlie. Charlie stopped herself instead. She looked down at her back and all its contents. She fell to her knees and began crying.

June moved off the bed and wrapped her arms around Charlie. Charlie’s body shook, and June could barely calm her down. She kissed her friend’s shoulder, holding her a little tighter and trying to remain calm as Charlie fell apart.