Beyond Redemption

The moment I landed in Helsinki I could tell things were going to be different. Walking down the busy streets, while hailing a taxi, felt natural, the familiar roads and accents around me made me feel at home. I'd spent about a week at Mige's, using his couch as a bed. It was terribly uncomfortable and honestly I had a rough time sharing the small space wit him. I'd done that enough on tour, I was ready to go back to my own home.

I admit, not being able to go back to that house made me feel a little empty. I loved that place, but maybe it was a good thing I couldn't go back. I associated it with bad memories of Jonna and our fighting. We hadn't had a lot of moments of happiness there, or really anywhere after we were married. But it was a shame, I'd picked out that house specifically for what we needed. I had a studio, our room had been renovated into a huge master suite, we redid the kitchen so Jonna could cook for guests, we even made sure there was spare room in case we wanted kids one day. It had a lot of promise to it, which made me miss it, but those promises were long broken.

I'd been looking for a place to stay, a place that could be purely my own and customized strictly for me. As I looked, I thought a lot about what Jamie would say about each place, whether she might think it was too big or too small or even just not up to par for any reason really. I'd looked for a few days before coming across Munkkiniemi Tower. It was in a nice neighborhood in Helsinki, so it was close to everything I needed it to be close to, but it was also very private. It had gates to keep the media and crazed fans out, which was awesome, and there really weren't too many windows that you could see into at all, not without a tall ladder or helicopter anyway. I also loved that I could use the upper most level as a studio, and the balcony on that level with the large window that shown straight out to the water was perfect. The whole thing seemed too good to be true, and the price proved it. I managed to come up with a down payment, somehow, and was able to move in relatively fast. I really couldn't have been more relieved.

I spent some time moving things into my new home, decorating with things I'd brought from the storage unit I'd put everything in last time I was there, like putting up a few favorite albums, posters, art work from our records, things of that nature. I did my best to make it feel like home, but by the time everything was unpacked and done I still felt like something was missing, I just couldn't put my finger on it.

I wrote a lot of music in my new studio on the top floor, I really liked the space and the view from the patio, it gave me inspiration that I desperately needed. I found myself intentionally keeping busy, either writing, cleaning something, finding excuses to go to the store, literally anything I could do to not have to think about things. I was really missing Jamie, which felt odd to me, as I was used to having to leave the girl I was seeing. I just felt lonely, which was not something I coped with very well, and I felt like I was drowning in my own head.

It was the dead of winter, the brisk Helsinki breeze could have frozen tears on your face, and yet I found myself walking around one day, maybe clearing my head, or maybe just looking for something to do, who knew? Anyway, as I walked, I came across a flower shop, much like Jamie's. It was small, likely privately owned, and it didn't seem very busy. I causally peered in the window as I walked by and noticed a girl with a small frame and black hair working. The whole scene reminded me of Jamie and it made my heart sore, I felt hollow without her. I wasn't really even sure how to live day to day without her anymore, I had barely done it since I'd met her. This whole thing was much harder than I anticipated, especially since everywhere I turned there was something there reminding me of her.

I sat on a bench in front of the flower shop, debating on calling Jamie. I didn't wan to bother her if she was busy, but I also just wanted to hear from her. I sighed, deciding to just man up and do it. It rung three times before her voice came through. "Ville! Hey."

"Hey. Are you busy at the moment?" I asked, hearing shuffling around.

"I'm just sorting things out at work. What's up?" She sounded happy enough, but I could tell this whole thing was stressing her out.

"It's stupid really." I started, unsure if I should tell her the reason I actually called or not.

"Tell me." The rustling around stopped and I heard a door shut. I assumed she was in her office.

"I was just taking a walk and I happened to pass this flower shop. There's a black haired girl working there and It just made me think of you." I felt like an idiot, it sounded so stupid out loud.

"Oh, babe I'm sorry." She sounded sad for me, but the name made me smile. I was glad she was getting more comfortable with what we were. "I miss you so much."

"I miss you too. Only a few more weeks love." I hoped this would encourage her, but it didn't really give her a lot of time to make sure everything was running smoothly at the shop before she left.

"I can't wait. I feel like I could definitely use a vacation!" She laughed.

"Yeah. I bet." Was really all I could think of. I didn't have much to say to her, not really. We text through the day so she already knew everything happening with me, there was nothing new I could tell her, but I wanted to talk to her.

My whole walk home I stayed on the phone with her, making up conversation as I went, but soon, we'd definitely have something to talk about. As I was approaching the tower, I noticed Jonna standing at the gate. "Fucking shit. Hold on." I said to Jamie. I stuffed my phone in my pocket without hanging up, I wanted her to hear what was going on so I wouldn't have to try and repeat it.

"There you are." She said, arms crossed.

"Jonna, how the hell did you find out where I was living? I just moved in." I felt irritated by her already. I was afraid of this, seeing her.

"Ville, you realize you only moved a few kilometers right? I know people around here. It wasn't hard." I looked down and noticed her swelling belly, and it made me feel uneasy.

"What is it you want?" I asked, getting straight to the point.

"I thought we could talk, inside maybe?" She uncrossed her arms and gave me that look she always did when she wanted something.

"About what?" I really didn't want to let her in.

"Us." Fuck.

"Jonna, there is no 'us' anymore. You destroyed that with divorce papers, remember? You're pregnant with another man's child. What 'us' could possibly exist?" It was my turn to cross my arms. I was pretty pissed off at her for thinking she could just show up and expect me to talk about "us."

"He left me." She tried making me feel sorry for her, and I did to an extent, being a single mother was hard, but I knew what it was like to live with Jonna, I couldn't imagine what she was like while hormonal.

"I'm sorry to hear that, but that has nothing to do with me." I shrugged. I felt like when we'd first broken up, I would have loved for this to happen. There was a point when I wanted her to come back, especially within the first few weeks of her leaving, but I really did move on from her. I cared about her, sure, but I wasn't in love with her, and I was starting to think I never was.

"Why not? You'd be a great dad. And admit it, you missed me. How could you not miss your wife?" I knew what she was doing, but I didn't know why. This was a tactic she used often, she'd use your own feeling against you, use your old promises and plans together to her own advantage. She played dirty and I really hated it.

"Because I don't have a wife to miss. I am not your husband anymore, and now I'm making sure I never will be again. You don't get to just leave and come back as you please." This felt so different and strange for me. I'd never really stood up to her before, and it felt nice to be able to say how I felt without worrying about it. I thought it was time that my feelings finally mattered, and that I stood my ground. No longer would Jonna run my life.

"So you're just going to let this child grow up without a father?" She was already yelling at me, just like old times.

"I'm not that child's father and you know it. It's not my responsibility to make sure it has the parents it needs, that job was for you and whoever you slept with." I felt like I was being a little heartless, but I wasn't about to be guilted into a relationship I already knew was toxic.

"Fuck you then. You know what? I made the right decision in leaving your sorry ass! You fucking pathetic excuse for a man, you disgust me! Rot in hell." She yelled, trying to get a rise out of me.

"I'm going inside now. You better get back in your car and warm up for your child's sake. It's cold out today." I said, calmly, and opened the gate behind me.

"Don't walk away from me! Ville!" She was screaming as if I was trying to kill her. Neighbors were definitely looking and I wouldn't have been shocked if a journalist had followed her to hear it all.

I didn't bother responding to her and just walked inside. I wasn't about to engage in her petty fights anymore. I didn't need it. "Hey, sorry." I said to Jamie after I'd dug the phone from my pocket.

"She's charming." She laughed, to my surprise.

"Isn't she? I told you, she's not easy to deal with. I should have known that she'd try to pull something." I shook my head, even though she couldn't see it.

"Hey, don't worry about it. There's really nothing she can do to you anymore, so why let it bug you?" She had a point. It seemed like she always knew just what to say to make better.

I didn't keep her on the phone long after that as she was working and I didn't want to delay her, although I would have stayed on the phone all day if I could have. I spent the night writing again, newly inspired by a mix of irritation with Jonna and a longing for Jamie.

I felt overwhelmed by loneliness, which was not something I was used to. Loneliness didn't strike often, as I generally liked being alone, but I supposed I just wasn't in the mood.

Two more weeks. I kept reminding myself, over and over. Two more long weeks...