Breaking Free

I grabbed my cell phone. It was barely eight o’clock. I sighed as I sat up. I needed out of my dorm room. Quickly. I snatched my car keys off of my desk. I stepped into a pair of old Converse and hurried out of my dorm room, passing girls and boys and couples – every one of them stared at me and my huge swollen eye. I wondered what they thought of me, what they thought of it. Did they even suspect Matt? Probably not. He was one of the golden boys around this school. I got in my car and drove away. It started to rain as I pulled out of the parking lot. For a second I couldn’t tell if the rain drops were blinding my vision or if it was my tears. Matt and I’s song came on the radio and I cried until I couldn’t breathe.

There was a tiny gas station on the corner that college students frequented because the owner would often sell underage students beer or liquor. I parked in one of the parking spots closest to the street. I grabbed my wallet out of my purse and headed inside. The owner was standing at the front counter, selling a pack of Marlboros to a girl who didn’t even look old enough to smoke. He nodded when he saw me. When I said college students frequented the store, I meant me. I grabbed two six-packs of beer, paid and headed back to my car. I couldn’t leave things the way they were between Jimmy and me. I had to fix it.

I drove to Jimmy’s building and waited for the guts to get out of the car. I carried the two six-packs through the lounge and into the elevator. When I got to Jimmy’s dorm room, I paced back and forth until. I made seven trips before I finally knocked on his door. He didn’t answer. His roommate didn’t answer. I knocked again, waiting five seconds before I said, “Jimmy, it’s me.” But it was no use. He wasn’t home.

I sat against the door and waited, hoping the RA wouldn’t come down the hallway and see me sitting here with beer. Alcohol wasn’t permitted for the dorms, but most of us had it. I waited for at least an hour before Jimmy walked out of the elevator.

“Alessa?” he said. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“I couldn’t leave things the way they were,” I whispered. “Can I come in so we can talk? Please?”

He nodded and opened the door, letting me in before him. I placed the two six-packs of beer on his desk and sighed as I took a seat in his office-style spinning chair. I cracked open one of the beers and took a sip.

“I don’t like what you said to me,” I spat, without holding back. “You have no right to talk to me like that! You cannot dictate who I choose to see in my free time!”

“You’re right,” he said as he grabbed one of the beers. “And I’m sorry, but I can’t sit around and watch you with him now that I know that he’s hit you.”

“It was one time!” I exclaimed. “He… he said he’d never do it again.”

Jimmy shook his head. “Don’t lie to me. Don’t you dare lie to me. It’s been more than once. I can tell. When you said it was the one time your eyes shifted from left to right. You can’t lie to me,” he reminded me. “You’ve been my best friend for far too long. It’s impossible.”

I inhaled as tears started to fall down my cheeks. I couldn’t fight them off, no matter how hard I tried. “He… He has before…”

He moved onto his knees and held my hands. “Alessa,” he frowned. “Please don’t cry. Please. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said.” He squeezed my hand. “It’s because I love you, okay? I love you and I hate, hate seeing you upset like this.”

“I love you too,” I whispered threw my tears.

“No, Less,” he said as he looked up at me. “I love you… I… I have feelings for you. And I have since the tenth grade. I didn’t at first and then it happened. Seeing you with Matt has been extremely taxing on me. I’ve tried to be friends with both of you, regardless, no matter what, through thick and thin… I’ve tried to support your relationships, even though it’s fucking sucked for me to do so… But you staying with him after this? I can’t support that. If you go back to him, after this, I can’t… I won’t. I won’t stand by and let him hurt you.”

I opened my mouth but nothing came out.

"You won't be my friend anymore?" I exhaled.

"Not if you choose this."

"I hate ultimatums, Jimmy."

"If he told you to pick him over me, who would you pick?"

"That's unfair."

He let go of my hands and sat against the side of his bed. "Just answer the question. If you say him... There's no reason for us to continue being friends."

“I haven’t even been able to speak with him!” I shouted. “You’re being selfish! I understand that you care about me and that I’m your best friend, but how dare you! How dare you make me choose! You have no right!”

Jimmy nodded. “Maybe not. But I do have a right to an opinion. And that is mine. You deserve so much better, Alessa. I wish you could see that.”

“I can’t change my—“ I didn’t get the chance to finish my sentence. Jimmy pressed his lips against mine, kissing me. My stomach scrunched, pulling together and taking all of my oxygen with it. I put my hands on his chest, trying to push him away but it was no use. Jimmy was a lot stronger than me.

Jimmy kissing me was like a match, striking some unknown feelings deep inside of me, awakening something that had been kept quiet and pushed aside.

“James…” I whispered against his lips.

He cupped my jaw as he looked down at me. “I’m… so—no,” he corrected. “I’m not sorry. I’ve wanted to do that since we were kids.”

“You have?”

“Yes… I didn’t know how to tell you.”

Tears filled my eyes. Why did he have to do this now? I was already confused about my relationship and future with Matt and now he was throwing himself into the mix!

“Why now?” I asked.

Jimmy laced his fingers with mine. “Because I… I can’t just sit back and watch you ruin your life with Matt.” I opened my mouth to protest but he wouldn’t have it. “No, listen to what I have to say… You can have faith and hope that he will change, that he’ll never hit you again, but faith doesn’t get you away from your problems or change things. It won’t save you from his… wrath. I love you, Alessa. I always have. I’ve been a true friend, standing beside you when your dad got sick, forgiven you when you lied to me about dating Matt in the first place, understood you when you were scared… There are numerous situations, Less. I think we both know that we have more… we could be more.”

My heart was beating erratically, boom boom boom. Jimmy could probably see it hammering against me. Before I answered I took a deep breath and waited, listened to what my heart was saying.

“What are you thinking?” Jimmy asked me.

“I’m listening to my heart,” I admitted. “And trying to decide what would make me happy. I’m wondering why you never said anything. I can understand and then again I can’t.”

“Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the people we care about…”

“What do you mean?”

“I scarified my own happiness for you,” he sighed. “Because I thought being with Matt was what would make you happy.”

I was happy, but that happiness only lasted for so long.

Jimmy cupped my face with both of his hands. “If… if you’re interested,” he whispered, his lips just barely an inch from my own, “we could do this. We wouldn’t have to rush anything. Love takes time to grow… I can make you happy.” He smiled at me, willing me to return his efforts.

I laced my fingers with him. Are you sure? I thought. There’s no turning back. But I was sure… I didn’t want to turn back.



I woke up to a loud, angry voice. When I opened my eyes all I saw was Matt standing in the doorway of Jimmy's bedroom. He must've gotten paranoid since Jimmy and I weren't answering our phones. I never thought he would show up here though...

"I fucking knew it," he hissed through gritted teeth. "Get the fuck out of that bed, Alessa!"

I quietly thanked God that my naked body was covered by Jimmy's bedspread. I sat up, making sure everything stayed covered. "Matt," I spoke quietly. "It isn't what it looks like!"

It looked... Who was I kidding? I couldn't lie. It was exactly what it looked like. I was naked in Jimmy's bed. We slept together. It was exactly what it looked like...

Matt looked at Jimmy and then me. "So what is this then?" he snarled.

I couldn't speak. I looked for the words but they just wouldn’t come out. “I… I… Um…” I said.

“Get. Up,” Matt hissed.

Jimmy slid out of bed and covered himself with a sheet. If Matt hadn’t figured out that we were naked, he did. “C’mon, man,” Jimmy said.

“I will fucking pull your ass out of that bed,” Matt said, glaring at me. “GET UP!”

“M-Matthew…”

“I knew the rumors were true!” he screamed. “You’re a fucking whore.”

Jimmy stood up. He was taller than Matt. He stared down at him. The blankets slid off of his naked body and hit the floor, leaving him completely exposed. “Call her a whore again, dick. See what happens. Whatever rumors you’re speaking of, I can tell you they aren’t true.”

Matt glanced between Jimmy and me. “Looks pretty fucking true,” he hissed. “How the fuck can you say that shit to me? My girlfriend is here, in your bed!” Matt said as he pushed Jimmy backward. He grabbed my wrist and yanked me upward. “Get up, Alessa,” he shouted. “Get your goddamn clothes on!”

Jimmy moved in-between us, still naked. “Let her go,” he growled. “Don’t make me ask twice.”

“Stay out of my business,” Matt snapped, pulling my wrist even harder.

“This is my business too,” Jimmy told him.

“Not it’s not.”

“Matt,” I cried. “Please let go, you’re hurting me!”

Jimmy pushed Matt backward, making him stumble over something on the floor, causing him to let go of my wrist. Matt ran his fingers through his hair as he looked at me. His cheeks were red and his eyes were watering. “Did you have sex with him!?” he shouted.

He deserved the truth. Even after all of the times he hurt me, slapped me, hit me… he deserved the truth. But what was that? I slept with Jimmy, yes. I had slept with Jimmy tons of times, but this was different. This time I had sex with Jimmy.

I nodded. “Yes, but… not until last night.”

“Your fucking worthless, Alessa. No one is going to want you after they find out what you did to me.”

“What I did to you?” I asked. “What about what you did to me?” I pointed at the bruises on my face. “What about this, Matthew? You think any girl on this campus will be with you now that they know what you’re capable of?”

Matt laughed, his laughter full of malice. “I could have any girl in this school! You want her?” he asked Jimmy. “You can have this loose tramp.”

“Get. The. Fuck out of my dorm,” Jimmy warned him. “If you lay another hand on Alessa you will regret it, friend.”

I pulled my knees up to my chest as Jimmy pushed Matt out into the hallway. What had I gotten myself into and why did I let this happen? This was my partly and mostly my fault. Jimmy held a share of the blame but I felt like this was all on me.

Jimmy walked in a few minutes later. He was sweating and his bottom lip was swollen, red and bleeding.

I jumped to my feet. “Oh my God! Jimmy what happened!”

He touched his bottom lip with his right index and middle fingers. “Oh,” he said. “Matt has a pretty decent right hook.”

I would know, I thought. “Are you okay?” I whispered as I stared at his lip. His cheeks were red, probably from the anger radiating through the both of us over the situation.

“I’m fine,” he said as he grabbed a towel off of the floor and dabbed at his bleeding lip. “Are you okay? I’ll survive. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

I took the towel from his hand and patted his bottom lip with the fabric. “I’m okay. A little scared, but… I’m okay. I’ll be okay.”

“Are we… okay?” Jimmy asked.

I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know what the future held, but in that moment I knew exactly how I felt about Jimmy. And the future is ours.