Unhinged

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I was so confused. I had no right to be mad at her, yet I was. I mean, I guess she could be with someone worse… like Joe. I sighed. Maybe I should reach out to Cassidy, let her know it’s okay to come. I don’t know why I was so hung up on D. We clearly weren’t right for each other.

I paced back in forth in my bedroom, hoping to come to a decision.

“Nick! I’ve been waiting for your call!” Cassidy squealed with excitement.

“Hey baby, sorry it’s been pretty crazy here. My dad’s funeral is tomorrow, but after that I was wondering if you wanted to come out here for a little while?” I spoke softly, as if I was almost regretting asking her to come out here to be with me.

“Of course. I really want to be with you. I wish you’d let me come out for the funeral… but I understand.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry. It’s just family only you know?” I said.

“Does she count as family?” She said, catching a small attitude.

I took a moment before answering, because even though I was mad at her, she was my family. “Yes, she is family.”

“Nick, it just makes me really-”

“You don’t have to worry about anything Cass. She has every right to be there as I do. My dad was a second father to her. I can’t deny her being there. I’m sorry.”

“Right. So I can come out after tomorrow then?”

“Yep, getting you a ticket now.”

“I miss you, can’t wait to see you.”

“Me too.”

“Nick?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” She said softly.

“I’ll see you soon.” I said as I hung up the phone. I didn’t know why I couldn’t say it back. I’ve said it before, but for some reason I just couldn’t say it. My emotions were all over the place. If she would have never left me, she would definitely still be my girlfriend. I probably would have proposed to her, but let's not get into that. All I know is I missed her. I missed kissing her, holding her and I just wish she was mine again.

“Knock, knock” I heard at my door.

“Hey Joe.”

“You doing okay?” He asked as he took a seat on my bed.

I shrugged.
“Did I hear Cassidy is coming?”

I nodded slowly.

“I know it’s a lot Nick, seeing her…. And dealing with what happened to Dad.”

I stayed quiet, I didn’t know what to say. I sat next to Joe and held back tears. He was right, it was a lot. Joe squeezed my shoulder.

“Nick, she doesn’t have to come.”

“She does, D is family. No matter what we’re going through.”

“I wasn’t talking about D.” Joe said sternly.

“Oh…” I whispered.

“Seeing D has clearly done something to you, why don’t you spend some time with her?” He asked.

“She fucking left me Joe, why does she deserve any more time with me?” I spat.

“I get that, but have you two actually talked about what happened? I feel like you owe it to yourselves to fix things, whether that be as friends or more.”

I stood quiet once more.

“Just think about it little brother.” He said before leaving me alone.

I sighed, “Fuck this.” I muttered to myself before letting tears fall. I was an emotional wreck.

I decided to go to sleep early to prepare for the whirlwind of a day I was going to have tomorrow.

~

“Nick, honey. It’s time to get up. You’ve got to get dressed.” My mom said softly.

I opened my eyes to look at her. My mom was heartbroken, you could see it in her eyes. You could just feel it. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. She was broken. I pulled my mom into a hug. “I love you.” I said.

She stroked my hair and left a kiss on my head. “I love you too. Let’s get up. It’s going to be a long, hard day.”

I nodded and slowly made my way out of bed. I felt as if I was trying to move but my feet didn’t want to follow, but I forced myself in the shower.

I began to get dressed, but when it came to my tie I began to struggle and become very frustrated.

“Can I help?”

I turned to see her standing in my doorway. She looked stunning.

“No, I’m fine. I almost have it.”

She walked toward me, grabbing my tie in her hands and began to tie it together.

I swallowed hard. “I said I didn’t need help.”

“Well that’s not what it looked like.” She said with a small chuckle.

As she fiddled with my tie, I grabbed her hands, completely stopping her. She looked at me with confusion.

“What are you doing to me?” I whispered.

“Well, right now I’m trying to help you finish getting dressed.”

I shook my head, “Stop trying to be funny.”

“I’m just trying to help.” She said softly.

I grabbed a strand of her hair and twirled it in my fingers.

“You’re fucking with me.” I said.

“I am not fucking with you Nick. I’m worried about you.”

“Well stop. You weren’t worried for three years, you shouldn’t be worried now.” I let go of her hands and she continued to do my tie.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered. “There, all done. You look so handsome.”

I stared at her, I longed to kiss her. I placed my forehead on hers, closing my eyes and just appreciating that moment.

“Nick, I-” She began.

“Shh, please. Just be here with me.”

She slowly moved closer to me, placing her hands around my neck. My heart skipped a beat. Was she going to kiss me?

“Hey Nick, you ready? Mom is-” Joe stopped in his tracks as D and I jumped a mile apart. Joe cleared his throat. “Oh, sorry I didn’t mean to… I just was…. Are you ready?”

“Oh, I should go. I’ll meet you guys at the funeral home.” D said, her cheeks were a shade of pink. She practically ran out of the room.

“Thanks man.” I said sarcastically.

“Sorry… I didn’t realize you two were having a moment.”

I rolled my eyes. “Let’s go.”

I couldn’t stop thinking about her, about what could have happened. I shook my head to try and get rid of the thoughts.
We sat across from each other during my father’s funeral. I don’t know if being able to see her across the room made it so difficult for me to focus. I think I was trying to find any excuse to not think about my father. I didn’t want to be at his funeral. I wanted this all to end, and for some reason being able to see her across the room made things better for me.

As the service concluded, many people came up to me to give me their condolences. I was beyond over it. My heart just couldn’t take it.

“Hey stranger.” She whispered.

“Hey…” I said, trying not to make any eye contact.

“What do you say we get out of here? Get your mind off things?”

I was nervous to be alone with her, but I definitely needed an escape.

“Okay, but we kinda have to be sneaky, my mom can’t find out.” I said.

She nodded in agreement and took my hand, leading me out of the building.

We jumped into her car and began driving without a destination in mind. It felt good to just escape reality for a moment.

After we spent hours driving, we pulled into a secluded spot overlooking the city.

“D…” I began.

She turned to me and unbuckled her seat belt. “You don’t have to say anything Nick.”

“I do. I’m mad. I’m really mad at you.”

She sighed. “Nick, I know and I’m really truly-”

Fuck it. I thought. I pulled her into a deep kiss, after moments she pulled away. We stared at each other, almost not understanding what had just happened. She kissed me again, as if she had been longing to kiss me for those three years we were apart. She took my hand and pulled me into the backseat of her forest green jeep. She began unzipping her dress and I watched intently as she pulled it off. I was beyond excited. I wasn’t even thinking straight. I began kissing down her neck, “D?” I breathed.

“Don’t speak.” She said softly.

I obeyed and began to undress myself. Was this actually happening?

She slowly pulled her underwear off and it felt like it was the first time I was seeing her. I kissed her deeply before pushing my way into her. I gasped, not realizing this is exactly what I had wanted all this time. I wasn’t talking about the sex. I was fooling myself by being with Cassidy. I should have come running after D the minute she left.

She was everything I needed.