Chasing Second Chances

“What are you doing here?”

“Nice to see you too Ella.” Laura continued to smile as she let herself in. “Dr. Turner invited me over.”

Slowly my eyes swooped over to where Tristan was standing. “I thought it would be good to have a little chat.”

The words wouldn’t form as I continued to watch on as my sister and the therapist introduced themselves.

“So what did you want to talk about Doctor?”

“Tristan, please.”

Don’t make this situation any worse by flirting.

“Alright, Tristan. What would you like to discuss?”

Tristan’s eyes met mine with a smile. “Ella.”

“For the love of Pete, why am I here for this? You want to talk about me, fine, I don’t want to be apart of it.”

“El, wait!” Dr. Turner chased after me as I walked through the alleyway. “We’re going to talk about your past, as much as you don’t want to it’s going to help.”

“How is it going to help Tristan? The past is in the past, keep it there.”

“The past is how this all started, it’s where you’re stuck Ella. In order to move on, you have to leave it all behind.”

“I’ll tell you one thing I’d like to leave behind.”

“Don’t get snarky, your sister is waiting.”

I went back to my house reluctantly, wanting the whole ordeal to be over with already.

“Sorry about that Laura.” Tristan took a seat off to the side, leaving LaLa and I to sit across from one another. “Let’s get started shall we? Laura, why don’t you begin.”

“Um, alright. El bell, it’s good to see you.” I inwardly cringed at the old family nickname.

“Yeah, good to see you too.”

“So Laura, why don’t you tell Ella what you think about her lifestyle.”

My eyes widened and jerked to Tristan as he made the comment.

Way to jump right into the problem.

“I don’t like it.” Again I met the gaze of my sister. “I don’t like seeing you hurt.”

“That’s not what I remember.”

“Ella, we were kids! Kids say stupid things they don’t mean all the time. We’re not children anymore. I love you, and we’re all worried about you.”

My teeth began to grit, the feeling of Tristan’s knowing eyes boring holes into my skull.

“Do all kids tell their siblings to just die already? Do all kids mentally abuse their little sister until they break?”

“I-”

“No Laura! You fucked me up when we were little, you have no right to feel bad about what’s happening with me.”

“I did what every little kid did! We bantered, we fought, we had a love hate relationship. You think I don’t regret some of things I’ve said? We were a normal family, until you started doing this,” She motioned to my wrapped up arms. “to yourself.”

And there it was.

The snide remark about my problem. The snide remark about how I made our family different, how I made her look bad.

“Normality is overrated.”

“And this is when I get shut out, come on El, grow up. Stop holding everything in. Let me help you.”

“I don’t need any more of your help! You already helped me realize how worthless I am, isn’t that enough?”

Laura fought back tears. “So this really is all my fault?”

“Don’t forget your little friends.” My eyes glazed ever so slightly as I brought back the memories. “Calling me a loser, worthless, and I can’t even remember how many times you’d blow your cheeks up to the point where you couldn’t anymore and ask me how I could be so fat. Do you think I want to look like this? Trust me, I don’t.”

“Ella, you’re beautiful.”

“Don’t fucking lie to me, it doesn’t suit you.”

At this, Tristan finally interjected. “Why don’t you believe her Ella?”

“Because I’m not stupid Tristan.”

“El listen, I’m sorry, about everything. I was terrible to you.”

“That’s an understatement.” I stood up, glaring down at her. “Do you know how badly I hate myself because of all of this? Because of everyone? I used to ask mom if I were adopted, because I had no other answer to your hatred. I used to dream of dying, I was ten years old!”

Laura’s face hardened ever so slightly. “Stop.”

“Now you want me to stop? Isn’t this what you wanted? For me to finally talk about it. I despise myself, I want to hurt myself, to feel that lovely stinging sensation as I cut my flesh open, to see the blood gush from the gaping wound. I want nothing more than to cut myself, and slowly bleed dry.”

“Have you thoroughly checked the house Dr. Turner?” Laura kept eye contact with me as she talked. “You know Ella will do anything possible to get her fix of self harm.

She’s used knives, blades, scissors, lighters, safety pins, thumb tacs, she’s even used her own fingernails before.”

“Your nails?” Tristan had a look of pure shock and horror on his face.

“Why?”

“Because I want this to stop Ella. I’m taking full responsibility of everything I did when we were little. I take responsibility for you starting to hurt yourself, but I’m not going to sit here and watch as you continue to ruin your life. I love you, I’ve always loved you, I don’t want to see you hurt anymore.”

“No, you don’t, you don’t care.”

My reality, my world came crashing down.

“Yes I do, that’s why I’m here. Please, please stop hurting yourself.”

“No, you hate me. You have to hate me!”

If she doesn’t hate me, then that means.

My mind raced, my heart ached and my thoughts buzzed around in my head.

Out of instinct I ran for the door, lurching into the streets as if hell itself were nipping at my heels.

She has to hate me.

She’s always hated me.

If she doesn’t hate me, then that means, this was all for nothing.

All this pain and suffering, all the mental torture I faced, it was all for nothing!

How will I ever be able to forgive her?

How will I ever be able to forgive myself?