Status: i update when i feel like it
Even If You Don't
You’re Ripped at Every Edge, but You’re a Masterpiece
Mari’s POV; Three weeks later
After nearly a month of being back in London, I couldn’t say I’d been feeling any better. My mind would always wander to Calum – what was he doing, who was he with, did he miss me as much as I missed him? I would mentally reprimand myself every time I wondered if he was broken up about me – he broke up with me; why would he do that if he cared about me?
It seemed like the only thing that could keep my mind away from Calum was being in the studio – though, I wouldn’t be the last to admit I was still distracted. The girls and I had written some pretty good songs. Well... They did... I was never much help anymore with everything that had been going on in my personal life...
“Mari,” I heard Kaylynn sing softly, knocking me out of another trance, “You okay?”
“Fine,” I nodded.
“You sure?” she questioned, “You’re not really yourself lately. You usually have 17 songs written when we come to the studio.”
“I don’t have 17 songs written, Kay,” I rolled my eyes, making them laugh.
“Fine, but you usually have at least one.” It was silent for a moment – the girls looking at me with curious and worried expressions – before I finally spoke again.
“I think I’m gonna go home for a while,” I said softly.
“Okay,” Kenzie nodded, “We’ll come by when-”
“No,” I cut her off, “I mean... Home...”
“Oh,” they said in unison as Vanessa continued, “Well, just text one of us when you land.”
“I’ll try to come back soon.”
“Don’t worry about it, Mar,” Kenzie shook her head, pulling me into a hug, “You stay for as long as you need.”
“We’ll try to talk to you every day,” Vanessa assured me, “We’re only 5 hours ahead, so I’m sure we’ll be awake at the same time a lot.”
“You guys are the best,” I murmured, hugging her as well before moving to hug Kaylynn.
“We’ll try to have a song written by the time you come back,” Kenzie added, “I mean, we’re not as talented as you are, but we’ll try.”
“Shut up,” I giggled under my breath, all of us saying ‘goodbye’ before I grabbed my things and headed back to my apartment.
~
16 hours later
I’d texted my mom before my flight departed asking if she’d come get me from the airport. After a few minutes of ‘Yes, Mom, I’m coming home’, ‘No, Mom, everything’s fine’, and ‘I just wanted to spend more time with the family’, she agreed to meet me at my gate.
It was about 4pm when I landed in Indy, so I was a bit tired with my body still being on London time, but I was happy to be back in my first home city. My mom was waiting exactly where she said she’d be – right at the gate with open arms. I happily dropped my carry-on bag so I could hug her, breathing in deeply as she hugged me back tightly.
“If you need to cry, that’s okay,” she told me, rubbing my back slightly.
“I’m not gonna cry in the middle of the airport, Mom,” I stifled a laugh.
“People cry in airports all the time! They’ll just think you’re happy to see me!” she insisted. I laughed again – a genuine one that time – and squeezed her a bit.
“I’ve been crying for three weeks,” I said, “I need a break.” She smiled sadly – I’d obviously told her everything about what happened with Calum.
“Well then, how about you and I go pick Ashy up from your grandma’s and we’ll go out and do something?” Mom suggested, letting go of me.
“Like what?” I asked, walking with her to baggage claim to wait for my suitcase.
“We could go to the mall,” she shrugged, “Or the zoo or something.”
“I say we save a trip to the zoo for tomorrow,” I replied, “It’ll be too close to closing by the time we get there anyway.”
“Good point,” she laughed, “Still want to go to the mall?”
“Do we really want to take Ashy to the mall?”
“You know what? I’ll see if Grandma will watch him for a couple more hours,” she said, making me laugh. Mom went to call my grandmother while I patiently waited for my suitcase to show up.
It only took a couple minutes before I noticed it coming around the corner, pulling it off the carousel when it got to me. I took the handle out and rolled it behind me as I made my way back to my mom. I talked to my grandma for a couple minutes – who gave me the usual ‘I heard what happened with you and Calum, honey, are you okay?’ spiel – before we hung up and my mom and I set off for the Circle Centre mall.
~
Two hours later
Mom pulled into the driveway and we got our bags out of the trunk before we made our way to the front door. I unlocked it since Mom insisted on carrying my suitcase, clearly knowing what was waiting for me as soon as I opened the door.
“Mawi!” Asher cheered, running to me, “Mawi home!” I quickly put my bags down before he made it to me, picking him up and holding him on my hip.
“Hey, bud,” I grinned, hugging him about as tightly as he was hugging me, “I’ve missed you.”
“I miss you, Mawi,” he said, “You bwing candy?”
“Is that the only reason you like when I come home?” I pouted, “Because I bring you candy from London?”
“Not our fault English candy is better than American,” I heard my grandmother say, making me look up. I smiled as she came over to hug me. “Hi, sweetheart,” she said, “How are you feeling?”
“I’m good,” I nodded, “Glad to be home for a while.”
“Well, we’re glad to have you home,” Mom said.
“Candy?” Asher asked again, making us all laugh.
“Have you eaten dinner yet?” I asked. He frowned, instantly giving me my answer. I laughed again, pulling his shirt down slightly as I went on, “How about we go out to eat? My treat.”
“Mari,” Mom shook her head – she hated when I paid for everybody.
“I make my own money now, I pay my own bills – I decide how to spend it!” I announced, putting Asher back on his feet.
“This is what I don’t miss when you’re in London,” she sighed with a smile on her face. I smiled innocently, going to where my suitcase and our shopping bags were so I could take them upstairs.
“Figure out where you guys want to go!” I sang over my shoulder, hearing Mom and Grandma chuckle softly as I lugged everything up the staircase.
~
Three hours later; 9:30pm
I was sitting with Asher in his room, rocking him lightly to get him to go to sleep. We’d been talking about whatever he could think of – usually about everything he’d done since I’d last been home – until the question I was dreading came up.
“Mawi, where Calum?” he asked. I paused for a moment, feeling my chest get tighter. I knew how much Asher adored Calum and I really wasn’t looking forward to how he would react to hearing he’d never see him again.
“Calum’s not here,” I answered, hoping my voice didn’t waver too much, “We broke up.”
“Why?” he pouted. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“He didn’t want me anymore...” I swallowed. I felt Asher reposition himself slightly so he was sitting on my lap facing me. He laid his head on my chest and cuddled up to me even more so than he had been before.
“I always want you, Mawi,” he murmured. I couldn’t keep myself from grinning.
“I always want you too, Ashy,” I replied, kissing the top of his head.
It was silent for a few minutes after that until I started hearing soft snoring coming from the little boy on top of me. I chuckled softly – honestly thankful that I didn’t have to sing Beside You to him to get him to go to sleep – as I carefully stood up and laid him down on his bed. I pulled his blanket over him and leaned down to kiss his forehead, then quietly moving across the room so I could go back to my own, leaving the door open a crack so I would hear when he woke up later.
~
One hour later
I wasn’t exactly sure how long it had been since I’d put Asher to bed when I started hearing crying coming from his room. It brought me back to reality – the reality that I was upset with myself for still crying over Calum – and I quickly wiped my face before getting off of my bed. I figured he’d just had a nightmare, but when I found my mom already sitting with him – him on her lap and her hugging him tightly – I knew it was something a lot more than just another bad dream. I quickly hid around the corner before they noticed I was there so I could listen in.
“Ashy,” Mom sighed, rubbing his back, “It’s not your fault she’s feeling sad.”
“But can’t make her stop crying!” Asher frowned, his bright green eyes filling up with tears, “Want Mawi to stop crying!” My heart dropped as I listened to him cry into Mom’s shirt – I hadn’t even realized he’d been hearing me this whole time – but I felt so lucky to have someone who just wanted me to be happy.
And it was at that point that I’d finally had the inspiration to finish a song I’d been working on since I boarded the flight to Indy.
I quietly hurried back to my room, grabbing my song book and my phone from both their spots. I then threw on a hoodie since it was October and headed outside so I wouldn’t disturb my mom as she tried to get Asher to go back to sleep.
~
One and a half hours later
Once I’d finished the song to my standards, I unlocked my phone and opened the voice recorder app. Since I still couldn’t manage to play a guitar and I didn’t have a keyboard or piano, I had to sing it acapella and hope I didn’t mess up and have to redo it too many times.
Your little brother never tells you, but he loves you so
You said your mother only smiled on her TV show
You’re only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope
I hope you make it to the day you’re 28-years-old
You’re dripping like a saturated sunrise
You’re spilling like an overflowing sink
You’re ripped at every edge, but you’re a masterpiece
And now you’re tearing through the pages and the ink
Everything is blue; his pills, his hands, his jeans
And now I’m covered in the colors, pulled apart at the seams
And it’s blue, and it’s blue
Everything is grey; his hair, his smoke, his dreams
And now he’s so devoid of color; he don’t know what it means
And he’s blue, and he’s blue
You were a vision in the morning when the light came through
I know I’ve only felt religion when I’ve lied with you
You said you’ll never be forgiven ‘til your boys are too
And I’m still waking every morning, but it’s not with you
You’re dripping like a saturated sunrise
You’re spilling like an overflowing sink
You’re ripped at every edge, but you’re a masterpiece
And now you’re tearing through the pages and the ink
Everything is blue; his pills, his hands, his jeans
And now I'm covered in the colors, pulled apart at the seams
And it’s blue, and it’s blue
Everything is grey; his hair, his smoke, his dreams
And now he’s so devoid of color; he don’t know what it means
And he’s blue, and he’s blue
You were red and you liked me ‘cause I was blue
But you touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky
And you decided purple just wasn’t for you
Everything is blue; his pills, his hands, his jeans
And now I’m covered in the colors, pulled apart at the seams
And it’s blue, and it’s blue
Everything is grey; his hair, his smoke, his dreams
And now he’s so devoid of color; he don’t know what it means
And he’s blue, and he’s blue
Everything is blue, everything is blue
Everything is blue, everything is blue
I listened to the recording to make sure it was good enough before I sent Kenzie – because I knew that, even though it was 3am back in London, she would still be awake – the audio file along with a quick ‘Came up with this on the flight here and worked all night on it. Hopefully we can use it for the album??’ message. A few minutes later – exactly the amount of time it would have taken her to listen to the audio – she texted me back.
What the hell, Mar???? This is so good???? You wrote this on the plane????
I couldn’t help but laugh softly and we texted for a few more minutes before I told her I was going to bed. She replied with a goodnight message and I plugged my phone into the charger, put it on my nightstand, and I was asleep within a couple minutes of lying down.
After nearly a month of being back in London, I couldn’t say I’d been feeling any better. My mind would always wander to Calum – what was he doing, who was he with, did he miss me as much as I missed him? I would mentally reprimand myself every time I wondered if he was broken up about me – he broke up with me; why would he do that if he cared about me?
It seemed like the only thing that could keep my mind away from Calum was being in the studio – though, I wouldn’t be the last to admit I was still distracted. The girls and I had written some pretty good songs. Well... They did... I was never much help anymore with everything that had been going on in my personal life...
“Mari,” I heard Kaylynn sing softly, knocking me out of another trance, “You okay?”
“Fine,” I nodded.
“You sure?” she questioned, “You’re not really yourself lately. You usually have 17 songs written when we come to the studio.”
“I don’t have 17 songs written, Kay,” I rolled my eyes, making them laugh.
“Fine, but you usually have at least one.” It was silent for a moment – the girls looking at me with curious and worried expressions – before I finally spoke again.
“I think I’m gonna go home for a while,” I said softly.
“Okay,” Kenzie nodded, “We’ll come by when-”
“No,” I cut her off, “I mean... Home...”
“Oh,” they said in unison as Vanessa continued, “Well, just text one of us when you land.”
“I’ll try to come back soon.”
“Don’t worry about it, Mar,” Kenzie shook her head, pulling me into a hug, “You stay for as long as you need.”
“We’ll try to talk to you every day,” Vanessa assured me, “We’re only 5 hours ahead, so I’m sure we’ll be awake at the same time a lot.”
“You guys are the best,” I murmured, hugging her as well before moving to hug Kaylynn.
“We’ll try to have a song written by the time you come back,” Kenzie added, “I mean, we’re not as talented as you are, but we’ll try.”
“Shut up,” I giggled under my breath, all of us saying ‘goodbye’ before I grabbed my things and headed back to my apartment.
~
16 hours later
I’d texted my mom before my flight departed asking if she’d come get me from the airport. After a few minutes of ‘Yes, Mom, I’m coming home’, ‘No, Mom, everything’s fine’, and ‘I just wanted to spend more time with the family’, she agreed to meet me at my gate.
It was about 4pm when I landed in Indy, so I was a bit tired with my body still being on London time, but I was happy to be back in my first home city. My mom was waiting exactly where she said she’d be – right at the gate with open arms. I happily dropped my carry-on bag so I could hug her, breathing in deeply as she hugged me back tightly.
“If you need to cry, that’s okay,” she told me, rubbing my back slightly.
“I’m not gonna cry in the middle of the airport, Mom,” I stifled a laugh.
“People cry in airports all the time! They’ll just think you’re happy to see me!” she insisted. I laughed again – a genuine one that time – and squeezed her a bit.
“I’ve been crying for three weeks,” I said, “I need a break.” She smiled sadly – I’d obviously told her everything about what happened with Calum.
“Well then, how about you and I go pick Ashy up from your grandma’s and we’ll go out and do something?” Mom suggested, letting go of me.
“Like what?” I asked, walking with her to baggage claim to wait for my suitcase.
“We could go to the mall,” she shrugged, “Or the zoo or something.”
“I say we save a trip to the zoo for tomorrow,” I replied, “It’ll be too close to closing by the time we get there anyway.”
“Good point,” she laughed, “Still want to go to the mall?”
“Do we really want to take Ashy to the mall?”
“You know what? I’ll see if Grandma will watch him for a couple more hours,” she said, making me laugh. Mom went to call my grandmother while I patiently waited for my suitcase to show up.
It only took a couple minutes before I noticed it coming around the corner, pulling it off the carousel when it got to me. I took the handle out and rolled it behind me as I made my way back to my mom. I talked to my grandma for a couple minutes – who gave me the usual ‘I heard what happened with you and Calum, honey, are you okay?’ spiel – before we hung up and my mom and I set off for the Circle Centre mall.
~
Two hours later
Mom pulled into the driveway and we got our bags out of the trunk before we made our way to the front door. I unlocked it since Mom insisted on carrying my suitcase, clearly knowing what was waiting for me as soon as I opened the door.
“Mawi!” Asher cheered, running to me, “Mawi home!” I quickly put my bags down before he made it to me, picking him up and holding him on my hip.
“Hey, bud,” I grinned, hugging him about as tightly as he was hugging me, “I’ve missed you.”
“I miss you, Mawi,” he said, “You bwing candy?”
“Is that the only reason you like when I come home?” I pouted, “Because I bring you candy from London?”
“Not our fault English candy is better than American,” I heard my grandmother say, making me look up. I smiled as she came over to hug me. “Hi, sweetheart,” she said, “How are you feeling?”
“I’m good,” I nodded, “Glad to be home for a while.”
“Well, we’re glad to have you home,” Mom said.
“Candy?” Asher asked again, making us all laugh.
“Have you eaten dinner yet?” I asked. He frowned, instantly giving me my answer. I laughed again, pulling his shirt down slightly as I went on, “How about we go out to eat? My treat.”
“Mari,” Mom shook her head – she hated when I paid for everybody.
“I make my own money now, I pay my own bills – I decide how to spend it!” I announced, putting Asher back on his feet.
“This is what I don’t miss when you’re in London,” she sighed with a smile on her face. I smiled innocently, going to where my suitcase and our shopping bags were so I could take them upstairs.
“Figure out where you guys want to go!” I sang over my shoulder, hearing Mom and Grandma chuckle softly as I lugged everything up the staircase.
~
Three hours later; 9:30pm
I was sitting with Asher in his room, rocking him lightly to get him to go to sleep. We’d been talking about whatever he could think of – usually about everything he’d done since I’d last been home – until the question I was dreading came up.
“Mawi, where Calum?” he asked. I paused for a moment, feeling my chest get tighter. I knew how much Asher adored Calum and I really wasn’t looking forward to how he would react to hearing he’d never see him again.
“Calum’s not here,” I answered, hoping my voice didn’t waver too much, “We broke up.”
“Why?” he pouted. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“He didn’t want me anymore...” I swallowed. I felt Asher reposition himself slightly so he was sitting on my lap facing me. He laid his head on my chest and cuddled up to me even more so than he had been before.
“I always want you, Mawi,” he murmured. I couldn’t keep myself from grinning.
“I always want you too, Ashy,” I replied, kissing the top of his head.
It was silent for a few minutes after that until I started hearing soft snoring coming from the little boy on top of me. I chuckled softly – honestly thankful that I didn’t have to sing Beside You to him to get him to go to sleep – as I carefully stood up and laid him down on his bed. I pulled his blanket over him and leaned down to kiss his forehead, then quietly moving across the room so I could go back to my own, leaving the door open a crack so I would hear when he woke up later.
~
One hour later
I wasn’t exactly sure how long it had been since I’d put Asher to bed when I started hearing crying coming from his room. It brought me back to reality – the reality that I was upset with myself for still crying over Calum – and I quickly wiped my face before getting off of my bed. I figured he’d just had a nightmare, but when I found my mom already sitting with him – him on her lap and her hugging him tightly – I knew it was something a lot more than just another bad dream. I quickly hid around the corner before they noticed I was there so I could listen in.
“Ashy,” Mom sighed, rubbing his back, “It’s not your fault she’s feeling sad.”
“But can’t make her stop crying!” Asher frowned, his bright green eyes filling up with tears, “Want Mawi to stop crying!” My heart dropped as I listened to him cry into Mom’s shirt – I hadn’t even realized he’d been hearing me this whole time – but I felt so lucky to have someone who just wanted me to be happy.
And it was at that point that I’d finally had the inspiration to finish a song I’d been working on since I boarded the flight to Indy.
I quietly hurried back to my room, grabbing my song book and my phone from both their spots. I then threw on a hoodie since it was October and headed outside so I wouldn’t disturb my mom as she tried to get Asher to go back to sleep.
~
One and a half hours later
Once I’d finished the song to my standards, I unlocked my phone and opened the voice recorder app. Since I still couldn’t manage to play a guitar and I didn’t have a keyboard or piano, I had to sing it acapella and hope I didn’t mess up and have to redo it too many times.
Your little brother never tells you, but he loves you so
You said your mother only smiled on her TV show
You’re only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope
I hope you make it to the day you’re 28-years-old
You’re dripping like a saturated sunrise
You’re spilling like an overflowing sink
You’re ripped at every edge, but you’re a masterpiece
And now you’re tearing through the pages and the ink
Everything is blue; his pills, his hands, his jeans
And now I’m covered in the colors, pulled apart at the seams
And it’s blue, and it’s blue
Everything is grey; his hair, his smoke, his dreams
And now he’s so devoid of color; he don’t know what it means
And he’s blue, and he’s blue
You were a vision in the morning when the light came through
I know I’ve only felt religion when I’ve lied with you
You said you’ll never be forgiven ‘til your boys are too
And I’m still waking every morning, but it’s not with you
You’re dripping like a saturated sunrise
You’re spilling like an overflowing sink
You’re ripped at every edge, but you’re a masterpiece
And now you’re tearing through the pages and the ink
Everything is blue; his pills, his hands, his jeans
And now I'm covered in the colors, pulled apart at the seams
And it’s blue, and it’s blue
Everything is grey; his hair, his smoke, his dreams
And now he’s so devoid of color; he don’t know what it means
And he’s blue, and he’s blue
You were red and you liked me ‘cause I was blue
But you touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky
And you decided purple just wasn’t for you
Everything is blue; his pills, his hands, his jeans
And now I’m covered in the colors, pulled apart at the seams
And it’s blue, and it’s blue
Everything is grey; his hair, his smoke, his dreams
And now he’s so devoid of color; he don’t know what it means
And he’s blue, and he’s blue
Everything is blue, everything is blue
Everything is blue, everything is blue
I listened to the recording to make sure it was good enough before I sent Kenzie – because I knew that, even though it was 3am back in London, she would still be awake – the audio file along with a quick ‘Came up with this on the flight here and worked all night on it. Hopefully we can use it for the album??’ message. A few minutes later – exactly the amount of time it would have taken her to listen to the audio – she texted me back.
What the hell, Mar???? This is so good???? You wrote this on the plane????
I couldn’t help but laugh softly and we texted for a few more minutes before I told her I was going to bed. She replied with a goodnight message and I plugged my phone into the charger, put it on my nightstand, and I was asleep within a couple minutes of lying down.
♠ ♠ ♠
Title/song used: “Colors” by HalseyI CANT STOP UPDATING??????