Status: Ongoing
Flecks of Sun
Lentement
Waking up, my head pounded.It was probably going to do that for some time.
I remembered who was sleeping in the chair.
Was I allowed to move around ?
How the hell had I been using the bathroom ?
I had the sudden urge to find the loo so I sat up as quietly as I could. I knew I had to take the IV drip witth me so not looking to my side lest I wake him up, I made my way to the restroom in the corner.
The door creaked on it’s hinges and I winced closing it behind me. I didn’t want him to hear me using the bathroom so I took ages to just do it. Constantly stopping myself in case I heard a noise.
After the sweet relief of relieving myself, I looked in the mirror. I looked like shit. There were dark circles under my eyes and bruising on my arms. I put all my effort into being happy for even five minutes. It was hard, all I could think about was those not able to stare into a mirror, instead staring back at a coffin lid.
“Stop it,” I said to myself.
I smoothed out my hair and gargled water. There was a toothbrush and soap on the sink so I used them to brush my teeth and wash my arms a bit and face. Finding some agreement with my appearance, I walked back into the room.
It was empty, even in the shadows of the darkened sky, no one was in the room.
Had I gone fully mental?
I couldn’t have been out that long. Maybe he stepped out for a smoke or a bite to eat.
I pinged for the nurse again.
It took longer this time and I asked if there was a way to put on the radio. She offered something better. I could borrow her ipod and sync it up to a portable stereo.
“Our secret,” she said with a smile.
“What do I owe you?” I asked warily. Sometimes I feared the worst.
“Nothing, just rest. Music can be cathartic.”
Her smile put me at ease and I nodded.
I would listen to some soothing classical music.
I had noticed the time.
So I noticed when one hour turned into two and then into two and a half.
The ballads of Mozart were no longer soothing.
I really had gone mental and imagined it.
I decided to search his name on YouTube and put on one I hadn’t heard before “Olet Mun Kaikuluotain.”
The nurse just had to have one of those ipods with a screen, damn it. He was beautiful. Did he even realize?. I mean he was gorgeous. The pain in my head was back but I swore it was on the heart too.
I pinged the nurse again.
“How can I help you?” she asked over Ville’s voice.
“Do you have some pain medication?” I asked.
“Yes. You should be discharged in about 5 hours so I’ll give you enough for today and will help you sleep later,” she said and began to administer it.
“Drug me up,” I said sadly. Between my delusions, what had happened, and seeing his stupid face on the ipod I was sad.
“This is nice music,” the nurse said when she was finished.
“Thanks, it’s my – friend,” I answered.
“He’s quite handsome too,” she said looking at the screen.
“Tell me about it, “ I muttered and felt sad again.
His voice stung my heart. Did he even know? Well of course he knew, it was all over the news. But did he know I was here? Did he even care? He was 41 and I was 27. It wasn’t that big of an age difference. But maybe he more mature things to think about. Why was I so upset? Sure, we had a moment and some phone call. What had we last said, to take it slow?
I groaned and the nurse came back to my bedside.
“Are you ok?” she asked checking my vitals.
“Yes, I just need a change of music,” I said and she left me alone.
I put it on shuffle and then had a genius idea. I found LP’s “Lost on You” and put it on.
I started to sing along.
“Everything I lost on you,” I screeched in my hoarse voice. It was ungodly. I didn’t care.
“So smoke em if you got em, cause it’s going down, all I ever wanted was you, let’s raise a glass or two to all the things I lost on youuuuuuu….”
I put it on repeat.
I was thinking about his kiss. It felt so good. It felt so right.
The song moved onto the next one.
“Wait!” I shouted at the ipod my voice gaining strength. I wanted to wallow a bit more.
But the new song began and the opening chords made me pause.
“After it was done, I wished I’d saved time….One more heartbeat away, I think our love…..ooooohhh,”
I sank back and the chorus caused me to belt along in my now strong voice.
“Wherever you go, as far as Tokyo, I’ll see you again.”
I was crying. “I won’t see you again,” I sobbed.
But I was thinking also about all the faces of the loved ones gone, they would never see their faces again.
The emotion in me broke and I was fully sobbing. I wasn’t even crying for myself anymore.
My shoulders shuddered and I cried everything, the emotion, the terror, the fear, the nightmares.
“Can I please have a song to make this pain subside?” I asked the ipod.
I heard Sam Smith and hesitated. This was going to help or make it worse.
“Too Good at Goodbyes,” began.
Well if I was going to cry out the non-personal side of me, I’d cry out the personal. I’d get everything out my system. I would get stronger.
His face flooded my vision as I closed my lids.
“Everytime you walk out, the less I love you….
“I’m just protecting my innocence, I’m just protecting my soul, I’m never going to let you close to me, even though you mean the most to me, …. But everytime you hold me, the less I cry… baby we don’t stand a chance, I’m way too good at good-byes.” I sang in earnest. I wasn’t a bad singer, it was an undeveloped talent I told myself.
“I’m way too good at good-byes,” I crooned out as the song neared it ending.
The pain hurt and I was surprised at the intensity.
The last chorus.
“it’s sad but it’s true. I’m-“
A voice joined mine.
“way too good at goodbyes.”
The song ended. I hesitated opening my eyes.
I closed them firmly, I didn’t want to delude myself again.
But I felt fingers under my eyes, wiping at tears. I felt a hand under my chin. I felt a forehead pressed against mine.
I so badly wanted to open my eyes but kept them closed.
“Emile,” he whispered, so close I could feel his breath.
But what if this was another trick of my mind?
I would wake up and he wouldn’t be there.
The fingers slipped from my face. I heard footsteps carry away and then turn around.
My eyes stayed closed.
His fingers brushed aside my hair and he put his lips on mine.
My own mouth stayed closed but my heart broke open. I felt new tears slide down my cheeks.
“Emile, I’m here.”
The way he said it, I trusted it.
I opened my eyes and the full force of his face was so close.
I let out the longest sigh and I could see a smile forming on his face.
“Am I – are you really here?” I asked.
“Yes, I’m sorry I had to leave because the doctor said you needed rest. I didn’t know how long you would be out…” he trailed off and leaned back and took in my appearance.
“I look awful,” I said sheepishly.
“I’ve never seen alive look so good on someone,” he said quickly.
We were both silent.
“Please don’t go,” I pleaded. I had felt calm with his presence but now I felt alarmed as if him leaving would leave me in a maddened state.
“I won’t. I’m here, I’m really here.”
The drugs from earlier started to take effect. Fuck.
“I don’t want to wake up again and you’re not here,” I begged. I was becoming drowsy.
He removed himself from my side.
“Ville,” I said in a panic. I was a bit embarrassed.
“Shhh,” he said.
“Rakas,” I threw the Finnish word out there, I think it meant dear or something. I was too drugged to know or care. I just needed him to stay.
He smirked.
“Kulta,” he answered back.
“What is a kulta?”
“Me.”
“Does that mean handsome or good-looking? You’re soooo good looking.”I emphasized.
“How much did they drug you? When I came in you were singing your heart out to Mr. Smith. I quite disagree, I am not good at good-byes. I can’t say good-bye Emile,” he said and I realized he was joining me on the bed.
“Ville!” I scoffed feeling my cheeks go red.
“Emile!” he answered back and I felt a laugh come to my throat. “Just sleep, kulta, sleep.”
“Kulta…” I mumbled.
“Emile,” he whispered and I looked at him.
He kissed me again. His lips moving against mine as my lips parted and our tongues joined.
The heart monitor picked up again.
Ville laughed and kissed my forehead before tucking my head under his chin.
“Ville?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“Do you feel like we’re in the Notebook or something?” I asked sleepily and I was out.
**
“No. We have a whole life to live-“ I said, stopping as I looked down.
She was out and her steady breathing could be heard.
“-together.” I finished.
I remembered who was sleeping in the chair.
Was I allowed to move around ?
How the hell had I been using the bathroom ?
I had the sudden urge to find the loo so I sat up as quietly as I could. I knew I had to take the IV drip witth me so not looking to my side lest I wake him up, I made my way to the restroom in the corner.
The door creaked on it’s hinges and I winced closing it behind me. I didn’t want him to hear me using the bathroom so I took ages to just do it. Constantly stopping myself in case I heard a noise.
After the sweet relief of relieving myself, I looked in the mirror. I looked like shit. There were dark circles under my eyes and bruising on my arms. I put all my effort into being happy for even five minutes. It was hard, all I could think about was those not able to stare into a mirror, instead staring back at a coffin lid.
“Stop it,” I said to myself.
I smoothed out my hair and gargled water. There was a toothbrush and soap on the sink so I used them to brush my teeth and wash my arms a bit and face. Finding some agreement with my appearance, I walked back into the room.
It was empty, even in the shadows of the darkened sky, no one was in the room.
Had I gone fully mental?
I couldn’t have been out that long. Maybe he stepped out for a smoke or a bite to eat.
I pinged for the nurse again.
It took longer this time and I asked if there was a way to put on the radio. She offered something better. I could borrow her ipod and sync it up to a portable stereo.
“Our secret,” she said with a smile.
“What do I owe you?” I asked warily. Sometimes I feared the worst.
“Nothing, just rest. Music can be cathartic.”
Her smile put me at ease and I nodded.
I would listen to some soothing classical music.
I had noticed the time.
So I noticed when one hour turned into two and then into two and a half.
The ballads of Mozart were no longer soothing.
I really had gone mental and imagined it.
I decided to search his name on YouTube and put on one I hadn’t heard before “Olet Mun Kaikuluotain.”
The nurse just had to have one of those ipods with a screen, damn it. He was beautiful. Did he even realize?. I mean he was gorgeous. The pain in my head was back but I swore it was on the heart too.
I pinged the nurse again.
“How can I help you?” she asked over Ville’s voice.
“Do you have some pain medication?” I asked.
“Yes. You should be discharged in about 5 hours so I’ll give you enough for today and will help you sleep later,” she said and began to administer it.
“Drug me up,” I said sadly. Between my delusions, what had happened, and seeing his stupid face on the ipod I was sad.
“This is nice music,” the nurse said when she was finished.
“Thanks, it’s my – friend,” I answered.
“He’s quite handsome too,” she said looking at the screen.
“Tell me about it, “ I muttered and felt sad again.
His voice stung my heart. Did he even know? Well of course he knew, it was all over the news. But did he know I was here? Did he even care? He was 41 and I was 27. It wasn’t that big of an age difference. But maybe he more mature things to think about. Why was I so upset? Sure, we had a moment and some phone call. What had we last said, to take it slow?
I groaned and the nurse came back to my bedside.
“Are you ok?” she asked checking my vitals.
“Yes, I just need a change of music,” I said and she left me alone.
I put it on shuffle and then had a genius idea. I found LP’s “Lost on You” and put it on.
I started to sing along.
“Everything I lost on you,” I screeched in my hoarse voice. It was ungodly. I didn’t care.
“So smoke em if you got em, cause it’s going down, all I ever wanted was you, let’s raise a glass or two to all the things I lost on youuuuuuu….”
I put it on repeat.
I was thinking about his kiss. It felt so good. It felt so right.
The song moved onto the next one.
“Wait!” I shouted at the ipod my voice gaining strength. I wanted to wallow a bit more.
But the new song began and the opening chords made me pause.
“After it was done, I wished I’d saved time….One more heartbeat away, I think our love…..ooooohhh,”
I sank back and the chorus caused me to belt along in my now strong voice.
“Wherever you go, as far as Tokyo, I’ll see you again.”
I was crying. “I won’t see you again,” I sobbed.
But I was thinking also about all the faces of the loved ones gone, they would never see their faces again.
The emotion in me broke and I was fully sobbing. I wasn’t even crying for myself anymore.
My shoulders shuddered and I cried everything, the emotion, the terror, the fear, the nightmares.
“Can I please have a song to make this pain subside?” I asked the ipod.
I heard Sam Smith and hesitated. This was going to help or make it worse.
“Too Good at Goodbyes,” began.
Well if I was going to cry out the non-personal side of me, I’d cry out the personal. I’d get everything out my system. I would get stronger.
His face flooded my vision as I closed my lids.
“Everytime you walk out, the less I love you….
“I’m just protecting my innocence, I’m just protecting my soul, I’m never going to let you close to me, even though you mean the most to me, …. But everytime you hold me, the less I cry… baby we don’t stand a chance, I’m way too good at good-byes.” I sang in earnest. I wasn’t a bad singer, it was an undeveloped talent I told myself.
“I’m way too good at good-byes,” I crooned out as the song neared it ending.
The pain hurt and I was surprised at the intensity.
The last chorus.
“it’s sad but it’s true. I’m-“
A voice joined mine.
“way too good at goodbyes.”
The song ended. I hesitated opening my eyes.
I closed them firmly, I didn’t want to delude myself again.
But I felt fingers under my eyes, wiping at tears. I felt a hand under my chin. I felt a forehead pressed against mine.
I so badly wanted to open my eyes but kept them closed.
“Emile,” he whispered, so close I could feel his breath.
But what if this was another trick of my mind?
I would wake up and he wouldn’t be there.
The fingers slipped from my face. I heard footsteps carry away and then turn around.
My eyes stayed closed.
His fingers brushed aside my hair and he put his lips on mine.
My own mouth stayed closed but my heart broke open. I felt new tears slide down my cheeks.
“Emile, I’m here.”
The way he said it, I trusted it.
I opened my eyes and the full force of his face was so close.
I let out the longest sigh and I could see a smile forming on his face.
“Am I – are you really here?” I asked.
“Yes, I’m sorry I had to leave because the doctor said you needed rest. I didn’t know how long you would be out…” he trailed off and leaned back and took in my appearance.
“I look awful,” I said sheepishly.
“I’ve never seen alive look so good on someone,” he said quickly.
We were both silent.
“Please don’t go,” I pleaded. I had felt calm with his presence but now I felt alarmed as if him leaving would leave me in a maddened state.
“I won’t. I’m here, I’m really here.”
The drugs from earlier started to take effect. Fuck.
“I don’t want to wake up again and you’re not here,” I begged. I was becoming drowsy.
He removed himself from my side.
“Ville,” I said in a panic. I was a bit embarrassed.
“Shhh,” he said.
“Rakas,” I threw the Finnish word out there, I think it meant dear or something. I was too drugged to know or care. I just needed him to stay.
He smirked.
“Kulta,” he answered back.
“What is a kulta?”
“Me.”
“Does that mean handsome or good-looking? You’re soooo good looking.”I emphasized.
“How much did they drug you? When I came in you were singing your heart out to Mr. Smith. I quite disagree, I am not good at good-byes. I can’t say good-bye Emile,” he said and I realized he was joining me on the bed.
“Ville!” I scoffed feeling my cheeks go red.
“Emile!” he answered back and I felt a laugh come to my throat. “Just sleep, kulta, sleep.”
“Kulta…” I mumbled.
“Emile,” he whispered and I looked at him.
He kissed me again. His lips moving against mine as my lips parted and our tongues joined.
The heart monitor picked up again.
Ville laughed and kissed my forehead before tucking my head under his chin.
“Ville?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“Do you feel like we’re in the Notebook or something?” I asked sleepily and I was out.
**
“No. We have a whole life to live-“ I said, stopping as I looked down.
She was out and her steady breathing could be heard.
“-together.” I finished.