I'm Not Insane

--- 4 days later ---

I hadn't talked to Brian since that night. Well, he had tried to talk to me, but I hadn't responded. I didn't see a real reason to. He was with Ashley for now. I didn't want to get my hopes up, only for him to find out he's going to be a father, and then have my heart crushed. I had sorted out that I did have a crush on Brian. He took up most of the space in my brain, lately. The memory of his lips on my shoulder was constantly playing through my mind. The feeling of his hands wrapped around my thighs.. It haunted me. I wanted to be closer to him.. To know him more. Thinking back to him teaching me how to play one of his songs, his fingers brushing mine lightly, him breathing on my neck.. It made my chest feel tight.

Matt and Halie had been getting along great. I actually think they were an item now, but Halie hadn't exactly told me that. They were constantly together, though. Apparently Matt wanted to have a small party on the beach tonight, and wanted Halie and I to come. I had a little bit of a problem with this. "Halie, it's my birthday. Can't we just stay in and watch movies and pig out?" I had begged her. She pouted, "Please, Luna? You can't mope around forever." I huffed at her, "I'm not moping! What would I be moping about?" She gave me an all-knowing look, "Brian." I gulped, looking at the floor. "It's fine. I'm fine." She sighed, coming over to me and grabbing my arms softly. "Please? I know you love the ocean. It'll help take your mind off of it. And there will be booze and food." I shrugged, "I do love booze and food.." She laughed at me, jumping up and down a little bit. "So is that a yes?" I sighed, nodding slowly, "I suppose.. But don't tell anyone it's my birthday.. I don't want it to be weird. You know I hate it when people give me unnecessary attention." She nodded, holding up her pinky to me. "I pinky swear." I linked my pinky with hers, smiling softly. I had a feeling I would regret this.

---

When we arrived at the beach, I saw that there was a small gazebo and Matt had a grill set up, along with a couple of tables and a huge cooler. I pulled at my shirt and shorts, making sure they were situated and grabbed my guitar from the back seat before I followed Halie across the sand. I figured that if Brian showed up with Ashley, I could just focus on my guitar and it would make me feel better. As we approached the group, Jimmy jumped up from where he sat, running over to me and almost tackling me. "Hi Jimmy." I laughed as he picked me up, carrying me the rest of the way to where they were all sitting. "I missed you!" He cried as he sat down. "Where have you been?" He asked. I took a look around the group, noticing that Brian was there, but without Ashley. I cleared my throat, looking back at Jimmy. "Oh, I've just been working and writing." I motioned to my guitar in my hand. He clapped his hands together excitedly. "Can we hear?!" I shrugged nervously. "Uh.. It's not really finished yet.." I bit into my lip, staring at my guitar. It was a song I had written the day after I had learned about Ashley being pregnant.. And it was about Brian. "It sounded pretty much done to me when you played it yesterday.." Halie called from next to Matt. A blush spread its way across my cheeks and I sighed, shrugging again. "I-I guess I could.." I sat down on the sand, pulling the guitar into my lap, flashing a glance at Brian before I started playing.

"You, got me caught in all this mess.
I guess, we can blame it on the rain.
My pain is knowing I can’t have you,
I can’t have you.

Tell me does she look at you the way I do,
Try to understand the words you say,
and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush,
When you go in for a hug and your cheeks brush?
Tell me am I crazy, or is this more than a crush?

I catch my breath,
The one you took the moment you entered the room.
My heart, it breaks at the thought of her holding you.

Does she look at you the way I do,
Try to understand the words you say,
and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush,
When you go in for a hug and your cheeks brush?
Tell me am I crazy, or is this more than a crush?
Is it more than a crush?

Maybe I’m alone in this,
But I find peace in solitude knowing,
If I had but just one kiss this whole room,
Would be glowing.
We’d be glowing,
We’d be glowing.

Does she, tell me, does she look at you the way I do,
Try to understand the words you say,
and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush,
When you go in for a hug and your cheeks brush?
Tell me am I crazy, or is this more than a crush?"

As I finished, I kept my eyes closed, feeling my eyes burn slightly from unshed tears. I heard clapping after a moment, opening my eyes, only to see Brian clapping slowly. Halie joined in after a few seconds. "That sounded finished to me." Zacky said, elbowing me in the side. He had an apologetic look on his face. I smiled softly, elbowing him back. "Thanks." I cleared my throat, setting my guitar on a towel beside me, before staring at the fire before us. "I think I need a drink." I said softly, feeling Brian's eyes on me, before I got up and walked over to the gazebo slowly. I dug through the cooler, finding a mango flavored beer and pulling it out. "You haven't been returning my texts." I heard from behind me, and I jumped, turning around and seeing Brian. I focused my attention on the beer bottle in my hands, not wanting to make eye contact with him. "Y-yeah, I've been busy.." I told him softly. He took another few steps towards me until he was standing right in front of me. "Don't lie to me." He whispered. I shrugged, going to walk past him, but he grabbed my waist, stopping me. "Please don't do this." He pleaded softly. I shook my head, pulling out of his grasp and plastering a fake smile on my lips as I looked at him over my shoulder. "Don't worry about me, Brian. You don't have to explain yourself to me. We're just friends, right?" I could feel the tears brimming my eyes, even though I had a smile on my lips. I heard him sigh loudly, "Luna..that song.." I shook my head, closing my eyes to push back the tears. "Don't worry about it, Brian."

I walked back over to the fire, sitting down next to Halie. She put her arm around my shoulder. "How's my birthday girl?" She asked, a little too loudly, and Matt's head snapped in my direction. "It's your birthday?" He asked loudly. I covered my face with my hands, shaking my head vigorously. "Did someone say birthday?!" Jimmy practically screamed. "Please don't make a big deal out of this! I just wanted to come to the beach and play my guitar and eat food." I pleaded through my hands. I heard Zacky laugh, "They're not gonna go for that." I heard Jimmy huff, "I didn't even have time to get you a present! Or plan a party for you!" I shrugged, pulling my hands away from my face. "I don't like my birthday." He looked horrified. "You better let him plan you a party, or he's going to freak the fuck out." Matt told me, laughing. I sighed loudly, running my hand through my hair, noticing Brian had rejoined our group. "I have off on Saturday." I told Jimmy quietly. "That's in two days!! You're lucky I'm amazing at planning parties." He exclaimed, giving me a tight hug. "What are you planning?" Brian asked, having missed the whole conversation. "It's Luna's birthday today, so we're going to have a party for her on Saturday." Zacky informed him, and Brian nodded, looking at me carefully. I smiled at him softly before going back to having a conversation with Jimmy. Brian sat down next to Zacky, not taking his eyes off of me for the rest of the night, except for to check his phone every few minutes. I could feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, but I didn't check it right away.

After a few drinks, I decided that I needed to use the bathroom, and made my way there, pulling my phone out and checking my messages once I had washed my hands. I had one from Brian. I find out the results of the blood test tomorrow. I bit my lip, putting my phone back into my pocket. That means.. Tomorrow, it'll be decided if he's getting back together with Ashley or not. I let out a long breath, trying to calm myself down before I walked back over to the fire. Brian watched me as I sat down, probably wondering if I had read the message he sent me. I didn't make eye contact with him at all, just stared into the fire, finishing off my final beer. "So, what do you want for your birthday?" Zacky asked me from beside Brian. I shrugged, "You guys don't have to get me anything." I heard Johnny scoff, "You might as well give us some idea of what to get you, otherwise, you're just gonna get a lot of weird shit." I chuckled, thinking for a moment. "I mean.. Anything guitar related, really. I also really like candles." They all nodded, and I saw Brian smile to himself. He better not fucking buy me anything.