Angel of Yesterday

October 20th, 2015

Days passed since the incident, I didn't know how many, as I didn't keep track anymore. The beach was cleaned up and the alien machinery were all gone. I came to be more distant with the gems, not going on missions anymore, not talking to them as much. All I did was sleep, and watched TV. Sometimes play video games, but they didn't seem as fun anymore. Connie came and visited a few times, it was always just an awkward silence between us. Pearl barely made eye contact with me since that night of the nightmare. She knows she was guilty of something, and she didn't want to admit it to me. Amethyst was alright, she still tried to hang out with me as much as she can. Garnet, well she was Garnet, not much changed between her.

I stood up from leaning against my bed and stretched. I had been sitting there for a couple of hours straight watching Crying Breakfast Friends marathon, it wasn't as great as it used to be. Walking down from my loft, I opened the fridge and grabbed a soda. Maybe I will go for a walk to try, and clear my head. It was so hard to do that lately, even if the Gems were gone pretty much 50% of the day.

The temple door then opened. It was Pearl, we made eye contact was a split second before she looked down and went to the kitchen. "Good evening, Steven, what would you like for dinner?" she asked me, as she went through the cupboards. I took a drink of my Dr. Pepper, before answering her with a shrug.

"It doesn't matter, whatever you make I'll eat." I said with no emotion in my voice whatsoever. I never felt anything anymore. Everything was always so numb for me. I hear Pearl click her tongue in protest, I cocked an eyebrow, to hear her response.

Pearl didn't say anything though, she huffed and grabbed some things out of the cupboards. I went to the front door getting bored watching her. "Where are you going?" she asked me, now she says something. I looked at her.

"May I go take a walk?" I asked politely, again she clicked her tongue, and nodded. "Be back later." I waved and walked out of the door. Amethyst was on a lawn chair on the porch, she didn't look at me or said anything, so I just walked down the stairs of the house. I walked and walked until I made it into town, it wasn't very busy today, unusual. I went to my dad's car wash, and knocked on the back of his van, I needed to talk to someone. He might not understand what I was going through, but at least I like his advice.

After the fifth knock, I went and turned around to go find something else to do. If he wasn't going to answer then there was no point in staying around. "Steven? It's been awhile, son." I heard my father's voice, turning back around, I saw him yawn and rub the sleep out of his eyes. "What brings you around?"

I looked at him, feeling a little bad that I had woken him up from his sleep. I shrugged and walked over to him. "Nothing, I just wanted to talk to somebody is all." I climbed into the van and sat down in the corner hugging my knees. "I haven't been myself lately … since … I couldn't save Lapis …"

"Ah … you are still caught up with that … I wasn't there, so I have no idea if you were able to save her or not, son. However, one thing I do know, when you love somebody very much, and you know you did everything to make them happy, then they are gone in your life the next day, you just have to deal with the pain. Pain is just an emotion, you can control it, live your life, Steven. Your mother, it took me forever to deal with the pain of losing her. Now, I have you. And that all that matters. You have the Crystal Gems, and you have me." Dad, did feel pain for losing mom, and it was all my fault.

"It's my fault, the gems hate me now. They hate me because I am not one of them. I am a half-gem, half-human hybrid. I stole mom, from you and from them. I'm a murder for not helping Lapis." I said and curled up as much as I could. I could practically feel my father's eyes boring right into me. I sighed, as I couldn't take it anymore, I uncurled and crawled out of the van. "Do you blame me for mom's death?" I asked him.

My dad was silent for only a second, before answering my question. "No, Steven, I do not. You are the best thing that came into my life after your mom. You are my everything, and you are so much like her. She will be very proud of you, my son. Like I am. I am so very proud, you scare me to death, but you try your hardest on everything you do." my dad got out of the van and hugged me, I hugged him back tightly, burying my head into his chest.

"They blame me. I can feel it. I can feel how they resent me, how much they miss mom." I started to cry as we hugged, his shirt was soaked by the time I had calmed down. "I-I'm sorry..." My dad took his shirt off and chuckled.

"Ah, don't worry, I got more where this came from. Steven, I don't think they blame you. Have a talk with them, if you talk things out, then everything will be fine. If every hot dog was perfect, then we wouldn't have pork chops." I laughed at my dad's stupidest saying, it always made me feel better because it was one of his favorites. I hugged my dad, feeling a little bit better, when I pulled away, I told him I was going to go talk to the gems about all this. Saying goodbye, I ran off.

It wasn't until the sky was covered in oranges, reds, pinks and purples that I made it back to the temple, in high spirits to talk to the gems, about what I am feeling, and to talk to them about how they were feeling. I ran up the stairs to the house, the window was cracked and I peeked through, seeing the gems all in the living room. They looked like they were talking or arguing about something, but their voices were too quiet. I didn't want to disturb their talk though so I sat down under the window, and waited for them.

Their voices started to increase as time passed though. “Steven, he is sick, Pearl.” It was Amethyst. I sat there leaning against the wall listening as much as I can. “He doesn't go on missions anymore, all he does is watch TV or sleep. He keeps asking us about Rose. He can't get over the fact that Lapis is dead. I don't understand why he is so caught up in here.” They didn't understand? How did they not understand?

I turned around to stare at them through the window, Pearl looked like a mess, her hair was out of place, and she was shifting her weight back and forth. Garnet had taken off her visors as she stared at the other two females. “Amethyst, you have to understand that Steven, Steven is like his mother way more than we think. He loves everything and anything living. To see someone die, like Lazuli, it is heart wrenching for him.” Her voice was soft, but full of so much emotion than usual for the dark skin gem. “As for Rose, I think the feelings, he is building up from Lapis, is getting to him with his mom. He thinks we blame him for her death.”

“Well … we would still have, Rose, if she didn't have, Steven.” I was taken back and my heart felt like it cracked into a million pieces as I heard Pearl. “I would still have my Rose. I would still have my rock to lean on, my strength. She showed me how to be who I am today, Garnet.” Pearl's arm were crossed, as her hands ran up and down them. I watched as Amethyst looked hurt at her words, but I was hurt more. I knew they resented me. I knew they were lying to me this whole time. “She left us. She left, she left us with that-” Her voice was starting to rise more and tears welled in my eyes as I stood up. “SHE LEFT US WITH A NO GOOD –“

“Pearl! Steven!” Snapped Garnet, pointing to the window where I was. Tears were now running down my face. Did they all feel like that? Was I really a no good? “Steven … listen to us ...” She said carefully and I shook my head.

“I knew you all hated me because I took mom away from you. Why did you hide it from me?” I shook my head and ran down the stairs of the house. I heard shouting behind me, and large footsteps following. A hand touched my shoulder and I turned around and slapped whoever touched me. When I regained my posture, I noticed it was Pearl. Her once inhuman white skin, now showed a red throbbing hand print. I shook my head, shocked. I slapped Garnet once before now I had slapped Pearl. What was wrong with me?

I turned around, and ran again. The sun was down, and the only light was from the stars and the moon in the night sky. I didn't hear footsteps following me anymore, so I had slowed down. I need to take a breather, my breaths came in short and hard. My throat felt like it was closing, as I couldn't get enough breaths from the run, and the crying. I closed my eyes and leaned against the rock and took a breath through my nose and out my mouth. I did that a couple of times before I finally calmed down enough that I wasn't panicking.

I slid down the rock and brought my legs to my chest. It hurts, my chest and my head. So, much pan, I wanted it all to go away. I thought maybe talking to the gems would help with the pain, but with what just went down, nothing would help. My caregivers, they hated me. Pearl, she hated me more than anyone else. I feel like the whole world was after me right, they everything was closing in. My hands dug through the sand feeling the warmth from the sunlight not too long ago. Then, my hand that was buried in the sand, was cut on something sharp, it hurt, but the sting felt a little good. Digging through the sand, I found what cut me.

A rock.

A very sharp rock at that. An image of the cuts and scars on Lars' arms flashed through my mind. Did it help the pain that he was going through? Maybe it will help the pain that I was going through. I bit my lip as I held the rock up to my left forearm, before shaking my head, it was too obvious there, and I didn't have any long sleeve shirts. I stood up and looked around before undoing my pants and pulling them down just bit to expose my thigh. It was a perfect spot to do it.

I sat down back in the sand, and looked at the skin on my leg, it looked soft. Biting my lip, to the point where it broke open, I put the rock up to my leg, and slowly dragged the rock against it. I hissed at the pain that it caused. However, after it was over with it felt good, and got my mind somewhere else then the other things. I did it a couple of more times, before putting down the sharp rock in the sand. I watched as the blood slowly came out of the wounds on my leg. I was kind of at peace with this awful act I just did. I was slowly understanding why Lars did it.

It wasn't until I started to feel slightly drained, is when I pulled back up my pants and started to head back to the temple with a slight limp. The temple was dark as I walked into the house, and up to my loft. They must have been out or in their rooms. It didn't matter to me, as I took off my flip flops and crawled into the bed with my clothes still on.

October 25, 2015
40 days left

Pearl doesn't come out of her room much anymore, after what she said to the gems, not knowing I was listening along. She felt to guilty, I am assuming, to even face me in the eyes. “Steven,” it was Garnet's voice, as she looked up at me from the living room to my loft. I leaned down wincing slightly as I put pressure on my leg. “Do you want to go on a mission with me?” I hated missions. What if something happened, and I couldn't do anything about it?

“Um,” However, maybe I needed to get out a bit. Maybe it will help me get my mind off of things. “Sure,” I told her, and grabbed my hamburger backpack running down the stairs to the loft, and over to the warp pain. I bit my lip to hide the pain on my leg. Garnet was a little slower to get to the warp pad, but when she stepped on we were transported somewhere else. “Where are we?” I asked.

The place was covered in broken rock, and looks like very little life was ever here. There was hot steam coming from some gaps in the rocks. It was making me sweat. “Ardwick Moors.” Garnet said, placing a hand on my shoulder. “There is a corrupted gem somewhere here, and I wanted you to help me. You just have to be extra careful it's a fire one.” I nodded and started to walk forward with a limp, I had to jump back as a shot of hot gust of mist shot up from the cracks in the ground. Maybe I should go home.

Garnet caught up with me, and we walked searching for the gem, it was quiet, but somehow I felt like Garnet wanted to say something to me. I felt like this was more than just a mission, it was only the two of us in the first place. “This isn't just a mission is it?” I asked quietly, as I limped alongside her.

She was quiet for a bit before she started to answer my question. “I am worried about you, Steven. Pearl didn't mean to say what she did. She is under a lot of pressure like all of us.” I rolled my eyes, knowing damn well that's how Pearl feels and she meant her words. “I took you out here to talk to you. I need you to tell me what's, going on.”

I looked at her before looking down at my hands, I stopped where I was walking. “There is nothing wrong, I am perfectly fine.” Shrugging, I kept walking before my leg was snagged on something sharp. I hissed as I tried to pull my leg away, but it was stuck. I looked and saw something a head, it was huge with massive horns. It was coming right towards me.

“Steven! Watch out!” Yelled Garnet before I felt her tackle me and my pants ripped. However, she was too slow to get out of the way and was slammed into the rock, making more rocks tumble down on her. Was she okay? I got up and winced as I felt blood tickling down my leg. Ah crap. The corrupted gem looked my way, with his back beady eyes. My heart raced, why wasn't Garnet getting up again? Just at that thought, Garnet jumped from the rocks and grabbed the corrupted gem by the horns throwing it against the rocks and made it poof. She walked over and bubbled the gem sending it home.

She turned around and stared at me, why? She then took off her visors, I saw her eyes were locked on my leg, looking down there was blood coming from a new wound, but also my scars were showing. My eyes widened, fear took over my body once again, having my summon my shield subconsciously. Garnet took a step forward, and I took a step back. “Stay away. I know what you are thinking. I'm fine. Really.”

Garnet clenched her fists, and shook her head. “You are not okay, Steven. Please. Please. Talk to me.” She practically begged me, as tears welled up in my eyes and I shook my head. “Once you talk to me. Everything will be okay.”

“Nothing will ever be okay again!” I yelled. “Nothing, without mom, or Lapis. Everything went down to shits! I'm not okay! I have somebody's blood on my hands, Garnet! You know damn well, we had time to go back and save Lapis! If you didn't try to stop me, I would have saved her, and she could have been once of us. Now. Leave. Me. ALONE!” I threw my shield at her, making her fly back. A bright light shone against her body, and she defused. Ruby, was the first to regain what happened. She looked around frantically, before spotting Sapphire laying motionless. I didn't know what I did, I stood there frozen.

Ruby ran over to Sapphire and picked her up laying her on her lap, “Sapphire, wake up. Please. Come on.” Ruby's voice was full of urgency. “Why are you doing this to me?” Tears were starting to well up in her eyes. Before Sapphire groaned and moved, I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. “Oh thank god. Are you hurt anywhere? Let me see you gem.” Ruby grabbed her wrist and looked at Sapphire's gem. “Crap. We need to get you to Rose's fountain.”

“Steven ...” Mumbled Sapphire as she was helped up by Ruby. “Don't leave, Steven.” He large eye wasn't full of color anymore. The light was fading and her body twitched. I cracked her gem, I-I cracked her gem. No, no, no. I shook my head and started to run as fast as I could.

“Wait!” I heard Ruby yell at me, but I knew they were not going to follow me, as Sapphire's gem was cracked. I finally stopped when I couldn't run anymore, I was in front of a cave. It wasn't dark in there, so I walked and walked, until I reached the dead end of it. It was kind of peaceful here, I thought as I looked around. I sat down and leaned against the rock, as tears fell down my face. I was a monster. I took mom away. I took Lapis away. And I almost took Sapphire away. I shouldn't be living anymore. I shouldn't have never been born. If I wasn't born then none of this would have happened. None of it.