To Sweden With Love

It's definitely been a rough couple days. You would think after all I've been through that I would at least catch a break.

Nope.

Can't even have kids.

It makes it so much worse knowing your fiancé wants to have a family. And now there's a good chance we won't be able to do that. Not without options.

The doctor explained to me my options but I was still trying to understand how this could happen to me.

That whole exam was such a blur.

I do remember blowing up at Liv.

I know it might sound stupid, but I'm in pain.

What would you do if your best friend had something you couldn't have?
---
I stood in the doorway leading out onto the back deck.

"You coming to help us, El?" Derick said as he passed me in the doorway.

"No... I'm uh... I'm just gonna stay inside. I don't feel well."

He kissed my forehead. "Are you okay? Is there anything I can do?"

"If you figure out how to fix a broken heart in those directions, let me know." I backed inside the kitchen and slid the door closed.

This was gonna be a long day.

Patric and Carl made their way down from Toronto to spend the day with us. And by that, I mean, put together a stupid swing set.

Who's idea was this?

Right, partially mine.

Whatever. At least Nolan and Cammie will enjoy it one day.

Sigh.

Just the mention of kids made me wanna throw up.

I looked up and said aloud, "Why me? I'm sorry for whatever I did to deserve this."

Tears rolled down my cheeks.

"Who are you talking to?"

I wiped my cheeks and turned to see Patric. I let out a small laugh. "I guess whoever wants to listen to me."

"Didn't mean to bother you, but Isabella was looking for you."

She came running over to me and hugged me.

"El, she knows you're upset and she doesn't want you to be. And neither do I. You didn't do anything to deserve this. Things just kind of happen and uh, then things happen for a reason later on. You'll just have to wait and see."

He walked over and kissed the top of my head. "And I'm sorry we still came over to build the swing set."

I gave a small smile. "No, it's fine. I told Derick to still put it up. I want his niece and nephew to know they have an awesome aunt they came visit all the time."

He smiled and let out a laugh. "I should get back out there before they suggest I'm not helping."

I chuckled. "Thanks Patric."

"Remember Ellie, things will be okay. Trust me."

Right, trust.

Faith, trust, and pixie dust? Isabella and I were gonna watch Peter Pan.

I dug through my bin of DVDs I never got around to putting away and found the movie. I popped it in and we laid back on the couch and watched.

Blades came trotting over and jumped up on the couch to join us.

About halfway through the movie, I saw Carl walk into the house.

"Ellie, can we talk?"

I sighed as I told Isabella I'd be back and that I'd just be in the next room with her Uncle Carl.

"What do you want Carl?" I crossed my arms.

"I know we're not uhh..."

"Besties like Liv and Derick are?" I interrupted.

"Yeah that... but uhh... I just wanted to tell you that what you said to her a few days ago wasn't right. And listen to me before you say anything. I understand you're really upset over the news, but you had no right to lash out at her like that. It's not her fault... it takes two to tango... if you're mad at anyone, it should be me."

It was silent for a minute. All you could hear was the movie in the background.

"Now I'm done."

"Tell me something, Carl... What would you do if your best friend had something that you couldn't have?"

"Do you even realize that my best friend is Derick? And that he has the greatest thing of all? Something that no one else has?" He paused waiting for me to say something.

"Ellie, he has you. He's pretty lucky to have a special girl like you. I would do anything to have a relationship that's half as good as yours."

"I can't think of anything that's going good for us right now..." I said softly. "My life is a complete mess... Derick can't have the family he imagined he would..."

"But he has you... that's enough for him. You know how much he raves about you? Even in your darkest times, he loves you so much. Ellie, if you can't see that, then I'm sorry."

He continued, "As for Liv, she's your goddamn best friend, Ellie. She's going to help you through this if you give her the chance to."

"Can I go back to my movie now? Isabella is waiting for me."

"I'm sorry, Ellie. I really am. And I hope you're going to be okay. I worry about you." He said before going back outside.

I rejoined Isabella in the living room and made myself comfortable. Blades put his head on my lap and Isabella laid her head on top of his. These two were the only thing making me happy at the moment.

A few minutes later, someone stormed into the house.

I turned my head to see Carl.

“If you break my sliding door, I swear…”

“Förlåt… sorry. Liv is just… ugh.” He huffed.

“Selfish? Come join us as we finish the movie.”

“I’d like to but I was supposed to look for the directions that your man threw away.”

I rolled my eyes. “Typical. Look in the can by the island?”

As he was shifting papers around in the trash can, Derick came in singing. “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.”

“Dude, don’t quit your day job,” Carl jabbed.

Derick walked toward me in the living room. I got up as he approached.

“You doing okay?” He greeted me with a small kiss.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Could be better, but whatever.”

“Are you watching Peter Pan without me? You know that’s my favorite!” He was offended.

I rolled my eyes. “You have a swing set to build. Besides, it’s the end.”

He gave me a hug before going to help Carl.

As they went back outside, Liv came inside and huffed at Carl as they passed.

I went to the DVD player to take the disc out and find the next movie. Liv sat down on the loveseat and saw me taking out Lilo & Stitch.

“Lilo & Stitch? Mind if I watch with you?”

I shrugged. “Whatever.”

“Ellie, can we talk? Please?”

I handed Isabella the directions that the guys have been looking for and asked her to take them to her Uncle Carl and Derick.

“I don’t know what you expect me to say.” I crossed my arms

“Look, I hate fighting with you. I miss you and I’m a bitch for trying to make up your mind for you. Whatever you want to do, I’ll support you.”

“Is that supposed to be an apology?”

“Really, El? You’re my best friend, I don’t want to fight anymore.”

I sighed. “You’re right. It’s been killing me not being able to talk to you… I’m sorry… I’m just… I’ve just been... “ I started to tear up.

“You’re upset, I understand.”

“I didn’t mean to take it out on you. I really didn’t mean for it to happen. I was just... angry.”

“I know, and I know you still are. It’s not something you wanted to hear. Just think about your options.”

“I haven’t even been able to think straight since… and ugh. Haven’t I been punished enough?”

“Sometimes God puts the hardest situations on the strongest people.”

“I’m not as strong as he might think… Liv… It’s so hard to talk to Derick… but I’m uhh…” I took a deep breath.

“Ellie,” she came and put her arm around me. “I’m here now and I won’t go anywhere.”

“He deserves someone who can give him everything he wants.”

“Ellie, stop talking like that. You are everything he wants. He doesn’t care.”

“But he wants a family and I can’t give him that.” I said softly.

“You are his family. Everyone here is his family. Heck, he has his niece and nephew, I think he’s good for a while now. You don’t have to rush into anything.”

I gave a small smile. “You’re probably right… Now that he’s home, he’s been so happy to see the kids every day. I just…”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” she chuckled. “Don’t say it. I’m not gonna let you.”

“Sorry…” I looked down at my hands.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

“It just br--”

“Arielle Elizabeth. Stop it.”

I sighed.

“I can have your old therapist call you, if it’s going to help you…”

“Liv,” I groaned. “I don’t know.”

“Then talk to Derick. He’s not a dumb as I pretend he is. He really cares about you. He loves you.”

“It's just… I don't want to bring him down with me. He's given me everything and then some. He deserves that in return.”

“You're his entire world. Just talk to him. If it's going to help you get through this rough patch.”

I laid my head on her shoulder. “Just once, I want something to my way.”

A moment later, the deck door opened. I turned my head to see Malin sneaking in.

“Didn't mean to interrupt. Just wanted to see how you were doing, El.”

“I think I’ll be okay.” I gave her a small smile.

“I think so. I mean, that was clever of you, hiding the directions from them.” She laughed. “You should have heard them when Isabella came running out with them.”

“Malin… how's Derick? Does he seem okay?” I asked quietly.

“He's worried about you, El. He doesn't like seeing you like this. He misses the happy-go-lucky you.”

“Yeah… me too…” I said looking at my hands again. “Maybe I should go talk to him.”

I started to get up from the couch when Liv pulled me back down.

“No no, he's preoccupied right now. We don't need him freaking out over you too.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Okay.”

“And let's pretend we didn't make up. Keep him on edge. Plus it'll make for great conversation on the way to Toronto tomorrow morning.”

“Poor Derick. He's been through so much,” Malin shook her head laughing. “I'm heading back out to watch these goons try to put this together. You ladies care to join me?”

“You go ahead, Liv. I might come out in a little. I need to wash my face.”

I went down the long hallway to the master bedroom and shut and locked the door. Then went into the bathroom and did the same.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror as I turned the water on in the sink.

I started talking to myself.

‘You're perfect. You're fucking perfect. He's perfect. He fucking loves you. Why can't you see that?’

I started to cry.

I picked up my phone and dialed my brother’s number.

I always want him to answer but I know he isn't going to. So I just talk to his voicemail.

“Shane, it's happening again. I just… I just want to end it all. All the heartache. I'm so broken and I can't be fixed. I've really been thinking about it today. For the first time in a long time, it's crossed my mind. I just… can't bring myself to do it.”

I was silent for a moment as I cried.

“Shane, I'm so sorry for putting you through so much and you can't do anything about it. It really fucking sucks. It does. I really wish you were here. I love you so much. Please forgive me.”

I hung up and sat on the floor against the shower door hugging my knees as I sobbed.

It felt like an eternity before I heard someone yelling my name.

“Ellie?! Ellie! Open the door!” I heard Derick shouting from outside the bedroom door.

I slowly got off the floor and made my way to the bedroom door.

I unlocked the door and before I could even open it, Derick had rushed in.

“El, what's going on?! Shane called me and said you were having thoughts.”

“I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen.” I continued to cry.

He wrapped his arms around me and held me close. “I'm sorry I've neglected you all day. But I'm here now. What's going on? El, please talk to me.”

“I don't want this life anymore.” I shook my head. “No, not my life with you, just my life in general. I want a new one. I can't take this pain and agony anymore. I’m not perfect like you think I am.”

“Ellie, stop talking like that. You are perfect.”

I pushed him away. “No. I'm far from perfect. You're so in love with me that you don't even see how many flaws I have.”

He didn't say anything.

“I'm sorry… that's not how I meant it.”

“No, I get it. I completely understood the way you meant it. You think I'm blind. But I'm not. I don't mean to call you this but you really are stupid, Ellie. I’m so in love with you because of your fucking flaws. I've given you so much to try to make your life perfect again. And you're going to do this to me? How could you? How can you even think about taking the most precious thing from me?”

I was crying harder now.

“Ellie, I’m sorry. I can't stand to see you like this. It really breaks my heart. I just don't understand. I don't want to have to take you to the hospital one day because you decided it was time to go. Just the thought of that makes me want to throw up. Ellie, I'm doing my best to take the news too. I know it's not what we wanted, but we'll get through it. Together. I promise to love you no matter what happens. Do you promise to do the same?”

I nodded and managed to get out a blubbered “I promise.”

He hugged me tight and kissed the top of my head. “I love you, don't convince yourself otherwise.”

“Please don't let go. I just want to stay like this forever.”

“I'm not going anywhere.” He chuckled. “Have I ever ran away from you? I think I was the one who was always waiting to see if you came back.”

“Whatever,” I smiled into his chest. “I love you.”

“I think we're just about done with the swing set. You should come see it. Isabella is gonna test it out.”

“Let me wash my face first. I probably look a mess.”

“You look beautiful, to be honest.”

“Stop,” I said as I stood up from the bed. “I'll just be a minute.”

“I can wait.”

I rolled my eyes as I went to wash my face. As I can back into the bedroom he was standing by the door with his arm stretched out for me to take his hand.

“Come on. We're going to do this together. I know it's going to be tough for you to see it done but just think…”

He stopped as we reached the kitchen door and looked at me.

“I had no idea she was bringing them over.” He said in regards to Janie being here with the kids.

I had a big smile on my face. “It's okay, it's perfectly fine. I needed to see them.”

He kissed my temple as we joined the others out on the deck.

“I think you need a pool now,” Carl joked as he threw back his beer.

“Yeah, so I could push you in it,” Liv jabbed at him.

I rolled my eyes. “Hi Janie…” I said as she approached me.

“How are you doing? Derick told me about...” she paused.

“I’m okay. I think I'm going to be okay.”

She hugged me. “I'm just a few blocks down if you ever need to talk.”

“Thank you.”

“Okay well if no one else is gonna try out the swings, I'm gonna be the first one,” Derick said as he went down the steps and started across the yard.

Isabella jumped up and chased after him. “Me first, me first!”

He picked her up as she tried running passed him.

Her giggles enlightened my mood. It made me remember about all the good things I have in my life.

Derick placed her on one of the swings and started to push her. “Hang on tight!”

After a few pushes he felt like it was necessary to say it worked.

He's so dumb sometimes, but I love him.

----

The following morning, I was in the kitchen making myself coffee when Liv joined me in the kitchen and took a seat at the breakfast bar.

“He's not around is he?”

“He's in the shower. So we're in the clear for about ten minutes.”

“Pretending to be mad at each other is harder than when we actually were.” She laughed.

“Right?!” I took a sip of my coffee “Want some tea or something?”

“Tea is fine.”

It went silent for a moment.

“Hey Ellie… Are you sure you're going to be okay?”

“I wish everyone would stop asking me that.”

“Sorry. We're just all worried about you.”

“I appreciate that, but I'm going to be fine.”

“I just need to know you're not going to do anything stupid. We live in different countries now and it's gonna be hard to get to you quickly if something happens. And with the baby…”

“Stop, Liv. I'm going to be fine.” I handed her the tea I had made.

She sighed. “I'm not going to pretend yesterday didn't happen.”

“I'm not pretending it didn't happen. I'm trying to tell you I’m going to be fine!” I slammed my mug down making the coffee jump out and burning my hand. “Fuck!”

“Let me help you,” she got up off the stool to come around to help me.

“I can do it myself!” I pulled my hand away from her.

“Is everything okay out here?” Derick said as he came down the hallway.

“Just fine.” She rolled her eyes as she took her tea into the other room.

“What happened? Are you okay?” He came over and grabbed a towel to help clean up the coffee.

“Yeah, I just spilled spilled my coffee. I think I burnt my hand though.”

“Run it under some cold water. I can clean this up.”

After he finished wiping up the counter he took a look at my hand.

“It's just a small burn. Wait here. I'll get something to wrap it with.”

I stood in front of the sink holding my hand as I waited for him to return.

“I heard you guys talking and I thought it was going well and then you yelled at her. What happened?” He asked as he put some cooling ointment on my burn.

“I'm so tired of everyone asking me if I’m going to be okay. She started to mention the baby and then that's when I slammed my mug down…”

He started to wrap my hand with some gauze.

“I’m so stupid. We're trying to fix things and I keep lashing out on her.”

“So you have talked?”

“Well not exactly… It usually ends with me yelling at her to leave me alone.”

“There. That'll do.” He said before kissing the top of my hand. “To make it feel better.”

“You're such a dweeb. I love you. Thank you.”

“Now we have a four hour drive to Toronto. Can you two make it there without yelling at each other?”

“Can't make any promises, but I'll at least try.”

“That's all I ask. … Liv? You ready to go?”

“Let me just grab my bag and purse.”

I went down the hallway to grab my things and to say goodbye to Blades. He always looks so sad when we're leaving. “I’ll be back tomorrow night, baby!” I said as I kissed his furry head. “Be good for your grandma.”

“Ellie, come on! We're already behind schedule.”

“Oh, we’re on a schedule?”

“Well if you want to get there to see the guys play, you'll move a little faster.”

“Sorry.” I said as I passed him holding the front door open.

“Didn't mean for it to sound that way.”

“Whatever, I'm already in a bad mood. Let's just go.”

As we drove down the highway headed for Toronto, Liv decided to text me from the backseat instead of talking aloud.

I’m sorry for pestering you.

I replied. I'm sorry I keep lashing out on you. You just seem to be there at the wrong time I guess.

I shouldn't have pestered you. We're trying to fix things and doing that isn't going to help. I should know better.

Can we really ever be mad at each other though? Derick actually thinks we are.

Derick looked over and saw me texting away.

“Eyes on the road, buddy.” Liv jabbed from behind him. “You've got precious cargo back here.”

“You guys don't say anything the whole first hour and when I take my eyes off the road for one second… you know what?” He pulled the car off to the side of the road.

“Der, what are you doing?” I shifted in my seat.

“I'm so tired of you guys fighting. Would you please just kiss and makeup?”

Liv snorted. “You'd like to see that.”

“I've had enough of you two. The tension is killing me. You're supposed to be best friends. Best friends aren't supposed to hate each like this.”

I tried to hold my laughter back.

“Am I missing something?” He said angrily as he looked at the both of us.

I let out my laugh. “I’m sorry, baby. We actually made up yesterday. We're besties again.”

“Sorry, dad.” Liv laughed. “Won't happen again.”

“But earlier? That was real wasn't it?”

“Very much so. Friends fight and disagree on stuff all the time. It's going to happen. It just made it easier for us to pull this prank on you.”

He glared at me. “I hate you so much.”

“Yep, I love you too.”