Let Me Be the One to Save You

:"Jess get your ass down here Gerard is here!" Franks loud voice called traveling up the stairs and up the bathroom.

I groaned in frustration as I continued to push the eyeliner pencil faster across my bottom lid. No matter what I did it seemed that I was always running late. I couldn't name a morning that I had successfully gotten ready without rushing around like a chicken with its head cut off. This morning was no different from any of my other crazy mornings.

Gerard said he would pick me up around 9 and when I opened my eyes this morning my clock said 8:44 giving me under 15 minutes to get ready.

I could blame the fact that we didn't get home until close to one in the morning last night but even if we got home at a decent time, I still wouldn't have woken up on time.

After their time at the practice space was over yesterday we had ended up hanging with them for the rest of the night. We ate dinner at the same diner me and Frank ate breakfast at last weekend, that place was always our go to restaurant no matter what time of the day it was. From there we ended up walking through the stores until everything closed and then we went back to rays apartment where we stayed for a good few hours drinking and talking.

A warm feeling erupted in my stomach just thinking about how much fun I had with these people because usually when I hung out with Frank and his friends I was ready to go home by the end of the night. That wasn't the case with the My Chen guys however, I could spend hours with them and not get bored.

"Jess! Don't make me come up here and drag you down!"

I rolled my eyes at franks loud voice as he tried to threaten me.

"Calm down shorty I'll be down in a second!" I screamed back. I was already pretty much ready as I had already gotten dressed. I was just trying to spend a little extra time on my appearance this morning as I usually sported the very appealing 'just rolled out of bed look'.

I placed my eyeliner back on the messy bathroom counter that was caked in dried up toothpaste and soap puddles. It was the bathroom me and Frank used mostly so it never got cleaned and just kept getting dirtier and dirtier. Maybe one weekend I would break down and clean in.

With one last check in the slightly smudged mirror I quickly flicked the single bathroom light off and moved towards my room on the opposite side of the hall so I could grab my bag.

I tried to move as quickly as possible, not wanting to keep Gerard waiting as he so kindly offered to bring me back when he already did so much for me yesterday.

At the simple thought of yesterday my cheek burned slightly reminding me of exactly what happened yesterday. Austin hit me, Gerard found out and now I was going to go back to school where Austin would either be waiting for me or find me and I would forgive him. I had tossed and turned for an hour last night lecturing myself on how I should just end it right when I see him. Leave him and never look back. When I woke up however the harsh reality what would really happen slapped me in the face. I would see him, he would apologize and say all these things that he may or may not mean but it would all end with me forgiving him in the end.

I stood still in my room for a second letting my eyes scan the dark purple walls, a color I had chosen to have painted for one of my birthday presents back in high school. The walls were littered with drawings I had stuck up there in the seventh grade and never took down along with a Ramones and a KISS poster both, presents from Frankie.

My bed was pushed in the right corner while my desk sat on the wall directly across from it. All my drawings and notebooks were stacked on the wooden surface and had been sitting there since I left for college. They all held so many memories and thoughts that I would eventually go through, possibly this summer by for now they remained untouched on the desk.

Next to my desk sat a black guitar bag. In the bag contained an old acoustic guitar that I had begged my dad for when I was 10 because I wanted to be like Frank. When I finally got it I would lug it to franks room every night and make him teach me all kinds of chords and songs until he kicked me out of his room so he could play by himself. I had only played the thing for a year after that before it got thrown in the corner and replaced with art supplies. I think this made my dad a little disappointed as both him and my grandfather played music but he soon accepted that Frank would be the only one of his kids to follow their footsteps.

Looking around the room made so many emotions crawl their way into my chest. It made me yearn for my high school years back when I didn't worry about anything except what party me and Frank would go to on the weekends. Where I could see my brother and father everyday and didn't have to deal with school work, job applications and Austin.

I let out a soft sigh and pushed my hand through my brown hair, a nervous tick I had developed at around middle school. I continued to watch my room for a few more seconds until I bent down and picked up my bag knowing that if I stayed up there any longer I'd have Frank storming up the stairs to come get me down.

I flicked the light switch outside the doorway off with one finger and immediately headed down the stairs that were only a few feet away from my door.

As I began walking down the stairs I saw franks head pop in my view obviously about to yell up to me until he saw me. A grin fell on his face and he stood up straight at the bottom.

"Took you long enough, what the hell were you doing?" He asked with a coy smile resting across his pink lips. I ignored his words and kept walking down the stairs.

When I reached the bottom of the stairs I caught a glimpse of Gerard for the first time today. He was standing more in the hallway resting against the wall, his arms crossed gently across his chest. I wasn't surprised when I noticed he had his leather jacket on over a plain black shirt along with plain jeans and a pair of black converse. The amount of times I had seen him wear that jacket already was insane but I could tell he was attached to it, it was a part of his look.

He flashed me a gentle smile when he caught my eyes. I noticed his hair was the same as it was yesterday, messily styled against his head. Thick strands of his dark hair fell against his face and hung slightly in his eye but he didn't seem to be bothered by it.

"Now I know why you're always late to class" he pointed out, humor written all over his gentle face.

I rolled my eyes at both boys and pushed Frank aside so I could reach my shoes that were laying next to the door.

"First of all we got in pretty late last night so I slept in, Second of all I was trying to make myself look halfway decent for a change and third of all, fuck you" I spat out at the two of them, aiming most of my words towards my brother.

Both boys let out loud laughs at me as I slipped my feet into my boots and quickly tied the fraying brown laces.

"Still, if I'm up and ready you should have no problem" frank pointed out motioning to his outfit of slim jeans and a dark green T-shirt that had once displayed a band name but was now too faded to even tell what the words had once said.

I looked at my brother and again rolled my eyes. He was right though, in high school it was always the opposite as I practically had to drag him out of bed in the mornings.

"Why are you up by the way?" I questioned knowing if frank didn't have to be up, he wouldn't be.

"I have work today and then I'm going to stop by the bar down the street and see if they have any spots open for Saturday night. Maybe if I can get pency prep a gig it'I'll make the guys actually come practice."

I chuckled at this slightly and patted my brothers shoulder.

Frank worked at a printing company, a business owned by one of my dads friends. Frank scored the job his senior year in high school and even though he absolutely hated it and it gave shitty hours, he was able to print a few of his bands shirts for free behind the owners back so it worked out for him.

"Do you think that will work?" Gerard asked, leaning off the wall and stepping closer to the two of us.

Frank shrugged his shoulders and sighed frustratedly. I could see how fed up he was getting with having to try so hard just to get his band members to act like they cared even a little bit about the music they made.

"I have no fucking clue but it's worth a shot right? All I want to do is play some fucking music and they won't even commit."

I placed my hand on his shoulder, rubbing it comfortingly.

"If they don't see how much potential you have Frank then they're not worth your time. You're going to find that one band that clicks and go to so many places that these guys will never get to experience, you just have to wait until you find them"

I saw Gerard watching us as Frank looked at me with a small smile. He pulled me in for a quick hug and kissed my cheek quickly.

"Thanks asshole, I love you"

Gerard chuckled at this and I smacked franks shoulder gently as his mood quickly changed as it always did from serious to joking.

"I love you too fuck face" I replied

"Hey! You can't call me that, that's what we call Austin" frank protested but I only shrugged and began to fish in my pockets for my cigarettes, preparing to light one right when I got out the door.

"Well I just did so deal with it"

He tried to give me an annoyed look but it fell through as his smile peeked from under it.

"Alright you two should get going before you hit traffic and make yourselves late for class" frank said making both me and Gerard nod.

"You're right, I'll see you at the space tomorrow?" Gerard asked while exchanging a small hug with my brother

"Yeah I'll be there same time, thanks again for driving jess these few days"

Frank reached down and gave me a tight hug. I could tell Frank had taken a shower this morning due to the extreme scent of soap mixed with whatever boy scent he had used. It's not that he was always dirty it's just that when he didn't shower for a day or two he always reeked of smoke and alcohol.

" It's not a problem, I'll see you tomorrow" Gerard said with a shrug of his shoulders. He opened the door and I smiled at my brother.

"I'll see you Saturday" I said to which he nodded at me making his black hair fall messily in his face.

"See you Saturday, tell dick face I say hi" he replied as he pushed his hands at the fallen pieces of hair that covered his eyes.

I chuckled at my brother but said nothing more as I walked out the open front door that Gerard was waiting by.

I opened his passenger door and was greeted by the familiar groaning of the old hinges.

"You should really get this fixed" I commented looking at Gerard from the opposite side of the car roof. He only shrugged his shoulders and began to duck into his car.

"Don't fix what's not broken"

I chuckled and then ducked down to sit in the tattered seat myself. I pushed my bag on the floor and when I sat up I was greeted with Gerard holding a clear cup filled with milky brown liquid and a white bag. A small smirk was falling against his lips as I stared at the two items, completely caught off guard.

"What's this?" I asked hesitantly taking the two items and looking down at them. Gerard looked to me briefly before looking away again.

"Well I figured you would wake up too late to eat and have coffee and besides you had a pretty rough day yesterday so it was just I don't know, something to hopefully make this day a little better" Gerard stuttered slightly before taking a sip of his own coffee. As he spoke I noticed his eyes dance across every inch of the car besides mine and watched his hand rub against the back of his neck shyly. I wasn't used to seeing him so unconfident and shy like this, it was almost dare I say? Cute.

I opened the bag slightly and saw a muffin sitting against the bottom wrapped in a little white napkin. I smiled at this and looked at him fully. Austin had never done this for me or anything for that matter.

"Thank you Gerard really. As stupid as this sounds this really means a lot to me that you would take time just to think of me like this"

He flashed me another smile and shrugged it off like it wasn't a big deal.

"It's honestly nothing jess"

I shook my head at him and let my body relax in the seat. After taking a few sips of the golden liquid I put it in the cup holder and placed the bag near my feet as Gerard pulled out of my driveway and down the road towards the highway.

"Well it's something to me, thank you. Thank you for everything, I still feel bad that you had to deal with me yesterday"

Gerard snuck a glance at me before returning his eyes quickly back to the road.

"You don't have to feel bad, I feel bad that you had to go through that. You know jess, you can't be sorry for being hurt. We all feel that way sometimes and we all deserve to be listened to and cared for so that was me giving you your chance" he said

I took his words and absorbed every one of them. For months I had been pushing all my feelings aside feeling that it was better that no one but myself had to deal with them. When me and Austin had first started dating I had broken down in front of him and only got a stiff hug before he told me to forget about it and brought me drinking. At the time I felt that was the best way, to forget and move on but now I was realizing that maybe Gerard was right. Maybe pain was something we had to take control of rather than throw it aside.

"Well again thank you, I know it'll be hard to believe but Austin isn't the most heartfelt and caring guy around"

Gerard let out a loud laugh that made me smile but also a warm feeling erupt in my stomach as I watched him tip his head back slightly, letting his black hair move out of his eyes for a moment before it was once again falling on top of the bright orbs.

"You're kidding, Not him I always thought he was so loving" he sarcastically replied.

I giggled again and shook my head. Quickly I remembered the loose cigarette sitting in my sweatshirt pocket waiting for me.

I took it out and pushed it against my lips before fishing in my other pocket for my red lighter.

"I'm telling the truth" I spoke after pulling in a deep cloud of smoke and releasing it with a calming breath.

He laughed slightly again before I watched his features fall slightly
And become more serious.

"You know, you deserve someone who puts your problems first along with their own you shouldn't have to hold so much in and deal with so much shit by yourself"

I pulled more smoke into my lungs and looked at the man beside me. His eyes scanned the busy roads quickly but I couldn't help but notice a small dark circle surrounded the same eyes. His whole body was rigid and stiff and I knew that his words had to do with himself as much as they did me.

"Well I've been doing it since I was about ten years old so I'm getting used to it" I commented.

He was silent for a little bit and I sat up in the seat.

"You deserve someone to listen as well because as you said, we have more in common than we both know and if that's true, you defiantly deserve someone to hear you"

He was silent again as I spoke my words. I could tell by the way his jaw was clenching that I was right by my accusations of him having just as much problems as I did.

"Just know that i'll be that person whenever you need me to be. I'll listen just like you listened to me"

Gerard's jaw relaxed slightly and the tense look on his face grew more happy as he glanced at me again.

"Well thank you, I'll hold you to that one day just not right now"

I nodded at him and let my smoke twirl from my mouth, watching as the white cloud pooled against the tan roof and then quickly disappeared out the open window.

We remained silent for a little bit after that. I quickly replaced smoking my cigarette with eating the chocolate chip muffin Gerard had brought for me, still in awe at the fact that someone had cared for me like that.

As I sipped on my coffee I watched the subtle sights of New Jersey turn into the large buildings of the city. I internally sighed knowing in less than an hour I would have to confront Austin and I was not looking forward to it.

Why was it so hard just to throw him out of my life? I would be able to do the things I enjoyed more like visiting Frank and my dad whenever I wanted to and going to see shows. I could actually get some sleep at night as well instead of spending the nights at parties or in his dorm. Why couldn't I just leave? Why did I always stay?

Deep down I knew I had my reasons why I did all the things I questioned myself about. I was weak, timid, and terrified. I was terrified that I couldn't live without him even though I was barely living with him. I was a pushover and too timid to ask for things to end but most importantly, I was scared of change. Ever since my mother had left us I was terrified of change whether it be big or small.

When she left both me and franks lives changed dramatically as we had to move from one side of Jersey to another, we had to change schools, get new friends and learn to do things ourselves so my dad could work two jobs to support us. When I graduated high school I was a mess, scared that everything was changing again and I even went as far as declaring that I wouldn't go to college just so I could try to grasp whatever familiarity I could. Frank ended up talking me out of it and I felt confident, convinced I was done with my dramatic fear of change.

But here I was again, in need of a change but too scared to make the move. It was times like these that the nice feeling I still felt for my mother turned into anger. Anger for leaving her husband and two children, anger for making me fear so many things.

A warm hand pressed against my shoulder making me snap from my thoughts and turn to Gerard who was looking between me and the road.

"You okay? I was talking to you for a good minute or two but you seemed elsewhere"

I couldn't help but notice Gerard face was flushed with concern. I gave him a warm smile back and nodded my head, making his face relax once more as his eyes shifted back to the busy New York streets.

"Yeah I'm sorry, I tend to get lost in my thoughts a lot and that was one of those time" I shrugged hoping he wouldn't press the topic any further.

"I get that, I'm the same way. It's hard for me to focus half the time"

"Well that makes me feel good considering you're driving" I teased trying to lighten up the mood of this car ride.

He looked to me with a goofy grin and shook his head at me.

"I'll have you know I've only been in two car accidents and only one of them was my fault" he said, pushing a finger in my face for emphasis.

I shoved his hand away and laughed at him just as we began to pull down the street the campus was on. The usually long car ride seemed to go by so quickly with him.

"Again, that totally makes me feel better" I said stretching out each word with sarcasm.

"Oh yeah? How many accidents have you been in miss driving expert?" He questioned with a raised eyebrow.

We made it to the main campus street and I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed at how quickly we got here. I wished I could've stayed in that car forever.

"None because I'm a good driver" I commented sticking my tongue out playfully at him.

He shook his head and pulled into a space quickly.

"Well I'm sorry we can't all be perfect drivers like you" he teased, looking at me for a moment before pushing his door open.

I pushed open the squeaky door hesitantly and stood on the pavement. I could tell by how quickly he got out of the car that he was probably going to be late for his class. He took his bag from the back seat and we both made our way out of the packed parking lot. Other students walked by us in a Hurry and others were going the opposite ways back to their cars.

"I have my class down in the Briggs building so I'll probably leave you here since it's all the way down there" Gerard said motioning to the opposite end of the campus. I nodded acceptably at him.

"I guess I should probably go find my boyfriend or in my case, wait until he finds me because god knows he's probably been searching all night" I said with a small sigh.

Gerard looked at me, letting his eyes fall into mine.

"I suppose so. listen, I'll be on campus until a little after afternoon time but even after that if you need me, call me and I'll come okay? Don't let him hurt you again"

Catching me off guard slightly, Gerard leaned in and rested his arms around my shoulders in a tight hug. It was very similar to the one we shared in the car the day prior except this time we were standing up giving more space for him to bring my body close to his own. I nodded against his chest and waited until he slowly pulled away from me.

"I will Gerard thank you again, for everything. I'll see you in class tomorrow"

He flashed me a large smile and nodded while moving his feet backwards slightly.

"I'll see you tomorrow"

With those words he turned around completely and moved quickly towards where the Briggs building was.

I watched him walk for a few seconds, noticing him push a cigarette to his teeth as he avoided eye contact from almost everyone.

I turned away from my view of Gerard and headed for my dorm building. The walk was pretty short but with each step that I took I felt my anxiety weigh down at the strings of my chest. When would I see him? Would he apologize or would the blame be thrown on me? I would just have to wait and see how it all played out.

It wasn't hard to notice Austin sitting outside my dorm. His almost six foot body was leaned just outside my dorm room while his eyes scanned everyone who walked past.His body held light jeans and a black Adidas hoodie and his hair looked like he had just showered due to the darker tone that it was usually.

I took a deep breath and began to mentally prepare myself for what would happen next as I stepped closer to him.

I dug out my dorm key , the jingle making Austin's head snap up as I approached the door. Anxiety flooded my chest more than ever as his blue eyes connected with my own.

"Oh my god,babe"

I watched as he pushed off the wall and in an instant his arms were pushed around me. The embrace was by far the most meaningful he has ever given me before but it still didn't compare to the comfort I felt with Gerard and franks, there was just something missing.

"Jess I-"

I pushed away from his arms and moved towards the door.

"Lets go inside okay?" I offered quickly, not wanting to be the center of attention in the small hallway.

He nodded quickly and followed me into my tiny dorm room that was just as messy as I had left it. I dropped my bag on my desk and then fell onto my bed. Austin watched me with blank eyes as I did so and quickly walked towards me.

"Jess I am so sorry, I didn't mean to I just lost it. I don't know what happened. I only got so upset about him because I care okay?"

My eyes brows furrowed slightly at this but I didn't say anything as I looked to him. He cared? It felt more like he cared about me finding someone better but again I kept my mouth quiet, learning I should watch my words wth him.

"I understand" I finally choked out. These two words were the last words I wanted to say to him but the only ones I saw appropriate.

He moved over to where I sat and fell beside me. He pushed an arm around my shoulder and brought me close to his chest, the motion making my whole body tense.

"I was worried about you, I waited here almost all night but you never showed up where did you go?"

I almost rolled my eyes at this knowing out of everything, where I was was what he truly cared about and not because he was worried. He was possessive not worried, he wanted to know where I was all the time.

"I went back to my house for the night" I said simply. He raised an eyebrow at me.

"But your car was in its space the whole night" he pointed out proving again how possessive he was.

"Frank picked me up" I lied smoothly knowing that if he knew Gerard was he one who picked me up, he would freak and at this point I wasn't in the mood for any more fights.

He took this in silence and nodded at me. He released his grip and cupped my face in his hands.

I looked into his eyes and what normally people would describe as the best place on earth when referring to their boyfriends eyes, I saw different. I saw only a little love and a whole lot of other emotions floating in his eyes.

"I am so fucking sorry okay? I promise it won't happen again. Can you forgive me?"

My mind raced at this question. My common sense argued with my heart as it screamed and begged for me to make him leave, tell him it was not okay.

But instead I let my heart win and said the dumbest words I ever could have said.

"I forgive you love"

Relief washed over his hard face as he brought his lips to mine gently. I tried my best to find grace in this kiss, to melt into it like everyone always describes it but I could only describe it as plain.

The seconds seemed like minutes as he deepened the kiss and pushed me down on my bed. I snapped my eyes closed, wishing I could be anywhere else. Wishing I could be at home watching Tv with my dad and frank or at the practice space listening to Mikey and Frank argue on what super hero was the best. I wished to be anywhere but here.

Finally, before it could go too far I pushed him away gently and laid against my pillow. He rested his head close to mine and traced his fingers slightly through my hair.

These actions confused me as he barely showed affection outside of us having sex. In the beginning sure we cuddled and he was always such a romantic but in a short month he completely changed and grew colder until soon we were just going through the motions without any feeling.

Right now I knew he was just trying to butter me up so I could forgive him for what he did. This is a sign I should've taken more seriously but instead I did what I did best, I forgave the unforgiven.

I sighed against Austin's chest and closed my eyes tightly. Would he change? Was what he promised true? I trusted him once before so why was it so hard to trust him now? I couldn't figure it out but lately, I couldn't figure out a lot of things.

Like why franks band wasn't taking things seriously? Why wasn't any of the jobs I replied to calling me back? Why was Gerard's door so squeaky and why was I always thinking about him? Why did my mom leave my family?

In life I learned that sometimes even though we have so many questions, we don't always find the answers to them.