A Little Bit Older

I was hiding in the kitchen. I was hiding from my problems and trying to avoid getting hurt. I was doing the exact thing that my mother had told me not to do. I was not strong enough to deal with Matt. That was the short and sweet answer.

“Ruby, please talk to me.” He mused following me into the kitchen and I pretended that I didn’t hear him. “You cannot actually be playing this game. Seriously? Even River is more mature that this.” He said after about a minute of me not answering him.

“Well maybe you should go talk to River than.” I said softly trying not to take the insult to heart; let’s be honest, it wasn’t the worst thing he’d ever said to me and I knew I was being childish. It was my only defense mechanism at this point.

“That’s not what I meant.” He said pulling me away from the sink and turning the water off. “Please. Talk to me.”

“Why should I?” I asked still acting rather infantile but I couldn’t help but remember when I had begged for the same thing and gotten nothing in response.

“Because I’m asking nicely.” He whispered holding my hands gingerly in his own.

“Didn’t work for me. Won’t work for you.” I scoffed pulling my hands away from him and stepping back towards the sink.

“I’m sorry for that, alright. I was a jerk, I get it!” He exclaimed and I rolled my eyes.

“If you were sorry, you should’ve said something sooner.” I said angrily finally letting some of my frustrations be heard. I was mad at him and bitter and I didn’t want him to think it was okay to walk all over me like he had whenever he wanted. That wasn’t how this friendship – or well, former friendship – worked.

“I know. I know. I just wasn’t sure what to say – “ he started and I turned around feeling a bit emboldened suddenly.

“You say sorry. That’s what you say. You say sorry and you mean and you don’t half ass apologies. You don’t push people away when they try to be there for you. You don’t act holier than thou when trying to reach out to them. And you don’t get to have a fucking double standard. If I can’t talk to you when I’m literally begging, then you sure as hell can’t talk to me.” I said pointing every time I said ‘you’ for emphasis and stepping closer to him until I was directly in front of him glaring upwards.

“You’re right.” He sighed taking a step away from me and avoiding eye contact. “I know I was an asshole.”

“Yea, you were!” I cut him off again feeling angry tears start to surface in my eyes again. “You were a huge asshole. You can’t do that shit to people.” I choked out trying not to let any tears actually fall even though they were extremely close to it.

“Shit, no. Ruby, don’t cry.” He whispered pulling me into a hug and finally I cracked. My anger dissolved and I clenched his shirt in my fists and just cried.

“I thought you were such a nice guy and then you turned around and did that shit to me.” I cried into his chest as he ran his hand over my back trying to comfort me.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just scared.” He explained before placing a kiss on the top of my head.

“Of what?” I asked frustrated with how easily I’d given into him after everything.

“Of everything. You know I wanted to be single and prove I could be on my own but then you were there and I didn’t want to be. I dunno. It sounds stupid. I was just scared that I was falling for you because I didn’t want to be alone.”

“Isn’t that all it was though?” I murmured as my tears finally subdued and my grip on his shirt tightened.

“What do you mean?” He asked and I could hear the confusion in his voice.

“You want to be with me until it means actually putting in effort.” I breathed out without thinking about what I was saying.

“That’s not it at all.” He sighed before pushing my body away from his slightly so he could look at me in my eyes. “I just need to take things slow.” He explained and I avoided his eyes and tried to look anywhere but at him.

“Matt, I don’t think we’ll work like that.” I said shrugging his hands off my arms and shaking my head.

Before he could reply, I walked out of the room. I head towards the powder room so I could check my make-up and make sure my eyes weren’t too red. I was going to tell Meghan that I was going to bed and head up to my guest room. I’m sure that at this point most people would be heading to bed so it wouldn’t seem weird I just needed to make sure that I didn’t look like a hot mess who had just sobbed her heart out onto the shirt of the man who she was slightly in love with.

When everything was in order, I headed back to the living room where I found that Matt had made himself comfortable again back on the couch pretending like nothing had happened.

“Hey, I’m heading to bed.” I whispered to Meghan and she looked up at me with concern.

“Are you sure? Is everything okay?” She asked and I realized that most of the others were still wide away and I’d be the first one calling it quits for the night.

“Yea – I’m just super tired. Works been running me down lately.” I lied and I knew she knew because I hadn’t had work since before Christmas. She didn’t call me on it and instead gave me a kiss on the cheek and said good night. I announced my departure to bed to the rest of the room and left as discreetly as I could possibly muster.

When I made it back to my room, I collapsed on my bed and sent out a quick text message to Tara and Julie wishing them both a Happy New Year. Tara had invited me to come over to her annual New Year party and meet some friends of her husbands that she thought I might like and after my night, I wished I had followed up with her on that. I needed to redirect my attention and find a new love attraction because my current one was too exhausting and just made my heart hurt.

Right before I was about to fall asleep I heard a small knock at my door. I lifted my heart slightly to see Matt walk in and sit on the end of the bed.

“What do you want?” I asked pushing myself up the rest of the way.

“Is there anything I can do to make you forgive me?” He whispered and I dropped my body back onto the bed.

“Just drop it. We’re better off moving on.” I said with an eye roll before closing my eyes and scooting back so my head was on my pillow.

“Maybe, but I don’t want to move on.” He said laying down next to me and I turned over and pulled the covers over my body to block his body off from my face.

“You know that Katy Perry song?” I whispered opening my eyes again and staring at the wall.

“Which one?” He asked confused and I could feel his eyes on the back of my head.

“Hot ‘N’ Cold.” I said trying to pretend that I wasn’t affected by being so close to him. It was actually the first time we’d laid in bed together without the boys between us.

“Yea, what about it?”

“That’s you.” I said shortly and could hear him sigh.

“I guess I deserved that.” He said without argument and I smiled.

“I like you better when you don’t make everything a fight.” I concluded finally. “I’m going to bed. Goodnight Matt.” And I did. I was too exhausted to even stay away and replay the night events in my head. Although I knew it would probably keep me awake for the next week at least.