Status: Complete.
Scribbles of a Broken Heart
Important Conversations (Part 1)
“Where’s Stacey?” I asked as I went in to the kitchen
“Brownies,” Garrett replied while reaching in to the refrigerator.
“I’m surprised that Stacey never said anything about me being here before the whole tutor thing. I came over at least twice a week.”
“I swore her to secrecy.”
“How?”
He closed the fridge and handed me a Sprite, “I promised to get her that new Barbie thing for Christmas.”
“Seriously? She’s good at keeping secrets. But…”
“But what?”
“I’ve been getting really worried and I want this to be the last time I come over if it isn’t a tutor session.”
“Why? Nobody’s going to find out, Stacey’s at Brownies and she doesn’t even know the when you are and aren’t supposed to be over her anymore.”
“Yeah, but still…”
“She hasn’t told my parents anything,” he soothed. “Don’t worry about it.”
I nodded, “I just get so guilty at times.”
“I know,” he answered and laced his hand with mine. “Come on, let’s go upstairs.”
Garrett led me to his bedroom, as he had countless times before, and as soon as the door was closed his lips were on mine. The kiss was slow, but deepened quickly. I slightly tensed when I felt his hands reach under my un-tucked school shirt to find my bare waist. Inch by inch we scooted towards his bed, until the backs of my knees were touching the edge. I broke away the moment that he started to lean his weight to push me down.
I took a deep breath before asking, “What are you doing?”
“Oh, uh…um, nothing.”
“No,” I took his hands away from me. “Were you just about to push me on to the bed to make-out some more—maybe you on top of me—or something? Or were thinking about doing something else?”
He touched my cheek and I looked down.
“It wasn’t anything.”
My head went up and our eyes met, “Are you a virgin?”
He took a step back, and then it was his turn to stare at the floor.
“Is that important?” His eyes moved upward as he asked.
I took both of his hands into my smaller ones and sat down on my legs, gently pulling him down with me. He almost looked scared to hear my answer.
I tried to find the right words, “…I just want to know.”
He flipped his hands over so that he has no holding my palms, “I don’t want this to change anything between us.”
“I’m guessing your answer is’ no’ then?”
Garrett barely shook his head before confirming, “No, I’m not a virgin.”
I diverted my eyes to take the information in.
“Tell me this doesn’t change anything,” he begged.
“No…I don’t know, I don’t’ think so,” I said rapidly. “Are you gonna get mad at me for not knowing that answer? For the possibility that I might see you differently?”
Garrett pulled away and ran his hands through his hair. “I guess it depends. Why does it matter?”
I started to nibble on my bottom lip, “Because I don’t want you to expect anything.”
“Expect what?”
“More. More than just making out and holding each other.”
Understanding washed over his face and he moved so that we were side by side.
“You think that because I had sex with another girl that I’d want to have sex with you.”
“So you don’t want to have sex with me?”
I was a little hurt. Even though I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that next step, I thought that Garrett wanted me in that way. I was certain that if he slept with another girl that he’d have the desire to do so with me as well; even if I hadn’t sorted out my own feelings yet.
Garrett let out a sharp sigh, “That came out wrong.”
“What did you mean then?”
“I’m afraid that it would make things worse.”
“Nothing’s bad here. This is just an honest conversation between a boyfriend and his
girlfriend. Truthfully, what did you mean?”
“Of course I want to have sex with you. I like you so much more than I have anyone before; you’re my longest-time girlfriend. But I also want you to know that I don’t expect anything. If you aren’t ready I understand. I’m not sure that I would even be if I was still a virgin. Things are fine as they are…sex is only an option. I’m not going to pressure you and I’m not going to bring it up. So don’t think for a second that I don’t want you in that way or in any other way because I do. But I’m totally fine if you don’t want me in that way too.”
“…Wow,” I breathed out. “I didn’t think we could ever be this serious for so long.”
“It’s a serious topic,” he deduced.
I nodded.
“A topic that I would really like your opinion on,” he badgered
“I just need a minute to think.”
I closed my eyes and tried to focus my thoughts. I took deeper breaths as I contemplated my response. I didn’t know what to say. I too was scared of saying the wrong things. I couldn’t lie to him—this did change things. Whether it was for good or bad, I didn’t know yet.
“I’m Catholic. We go to Catholic school. I go to Catholic Church. For the past couple years I have been fed the beliefs of chastity and abstinence. But I’ve always believed that if two people were in love, that they should be able to make love. Waiting for marriage seemed a little impractical since that would mean that you basically had no clue about the sex life you’re gonna be promised to.”
I paused because the hardest part was coming up.
“And?”
“I don’t think I’m in love…yet. We’ve only been going out for less two months and you know that I’m not the type to say ‘I love you’ if I don’t mean it. It means too much to me to just throw it around like that. If I knew what love really was, I could so easily fall in love with you. I mean,
I like you so much. This is all new to me, and I have to learn slowly.
“I could grow to want you in that way…but I wouldn’t let myself do anything about it anyways. Not then, and maybe not ever.”
“Even if we fell in love?”
“You have no idea how scared I am of my parents finding out about us. If I had sex I would be even more terrified. There are STD’s and the chance of pregnancy, I couldn’t handle it.”
He nodded.
“Tell me you aren’t disappointed,” I pleaded.
“I’m not disappointed. I sorta already knew that was going to be your answer. You just still haven’t told me if this changes things between us.”
“It does change things. How? I’m not sure. You’re only fourteen Garrett. How could you have already?”
“Do you want me to tell you what happened?”
“Only if you want me to know.”
He nodded, “I might as well get this over with now. I’m not exactly proud of it.”
“How come?”
“Cause you might not like me as much after I tell you who it was with.”
I was almost afraid to find out whom. However, I wanted to know the story.
“Who was it with?”
“Christine Bolding.”
“Brownies,” Garrett replied while reaching in to the refrigerator.
“I’m surprised that Stacey never said anything about me being here before the whole tutor thing. I came over at least twice a week.”
“I swore her to secrecy.”
“How?”
He closed the fridge and handed me a Sprite, “I promised to get her that new Barbie thing for Christmas.”
“Seriously? She’s good at keeping secrets. But…”
“But what?”
“I’ve been getting really worried and I want this to be the last time I come over if it isn’t a tutor session.”
“Why? Nobody’s going to find out, Stacey’s at Brownies and she doesn’t even know the when you are and aren’t supposed to be over her anymore.”
“Yeah, but still…”
“She hasn’t told my parents anything,” he soothed. “Don’t worry about it.”
I nodded, “I just get so guilty at times.”
“I know,” he answered and laced his hand with mine. “Come on, let’s go upstairs.”
Garrett led me to his bedroom, as he had countless times before, and as soon as the door was closed his lips were on mine. The kiss was slow, but deepened quickly. I slightly tensed when I felt his hands reach under my un-tucked school shirt to find my bare waist. Inch by inch we scooted towards his bed, until the backs of my knees were touching the edge. I broke away the moment that he started to lean his weight to push me down.
I took a deep breath before asking, “What are you doing?”
“Oh, uh…um, nothing.”
“No,” I took his hands away from me. “Were you just about to push me on to the bed to make-out some more—maybe you on top of me—or something? Or were thinking about doing something else?”
He touched my cheek and I looked down.
“It wasn’t anything.”
My head went up and our eyes met, “Are you a virgin?”
He took a step back, and then it was his turn to stare at the floor.
“Is that important?” His eyes moved upward as he asked.
I took both of his hands into my smaller ones and sat down on my legs, gently pulling him down with me. He almost looked scared to hear my answer.
I tried to find the right words, “…I just want to know.”
He flipped his hands over so that he has no holding my palms, “I don’t want this to change anything between us.”
“I’m guessing your answer is’ no’ then?”
Garrett barely shook his head before confirming, “No, I’m not a virgin.”
I diverted my eyes to take the information in.
“Tell me this doesn’t change anything,” he begged.
“No…I don’t know, I don’t’ think so,” I said rapidly. “Are you gonna get mad at me for not knowing that answer? For the possibility that I might see you differently?”
Garrett pulled away and ran his hands through his hair. “I guess it depends. Why does it matter?”
I started to nibble on my bottom lip, “Because I don’t want you to expect anything.”
“Expect what?”
“More. More than just making out and holding each other.”
Understanding washed over his face and he moved so that we were side by side.
“You think that because I had sex with another girl that I’d want to have sex with you.”
“So you don’t want to have sex with me?”
I was a little hurt. Even though I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that next step, I thought that Garrett wanted me in that way. I was certain that if he slept with another girl that he’d have the desire to do so with me as well; even if I hadn’t sorted out my own feelings yet.
Garrett let out a sharp sigh, “That came out wrong.”
“What did you mean then?”
“I’m afraid that it would make things worse.”
“Nothing’s bad here. This is just an honest conversation between a boyfriend and his
girlfriend. Truthfully, what did you mean?”
“Of course I want to have sex with you. I like you so much more than I have anyone before; you’re my longest-time girlfriend. But I also want you to know that I don’t expect anything. If you aren’t ready I understand. I’m not sure that I would even be if I was still a virgin. Things are fine as they are…sex is only an option. I’m not going to pressure you and I’m not going to bring it up. So don’t think for a second that I don’t want you in that way or in any other way because I do. But I’m totally fine if you don’t want me in that way too.”
“…Wow,” I breathed out. “I didn’t think we could ever be this serious for so long.”
“It’s a serious topic,” he deduced.
I nodded.
“A topic that I would really like your opinion on,” he badgered
“I just need a minute to think.”
I closed my eyes and tried to focus my thoughts. I took deeper breaths as I contemplated my response. I didn’t know what to say. I too was scared of saying the wrong things. I couldn’t lie to him—this did change things. Whether it was for good or bad, I didn’t know yet.
“I’m Catholic. We go to Catholic school. I go to Catholic Church. For the past couple years I have been fed the beliefs of chastity and abstinence. But I’ve always believed that if two people were in love, that they should be able to make love. Waiting for marriage seemed a little impractical since that would mean that you basically had no clue about the sex life you’re gonna be promised to.”
I paused because the hardest part was coming up.
“And?”
“I don’t think I’m in love…yet. We’ve only been going out for less two months and you know that I’m not the type to say ‘I love you’ if I don’t mean it. It means too much to me to just throw it around like that. If I knew what love really was, I could so easily fall in love with you. I mean,
I like you so much. This is all new to me, and I have to learn slowly.
“I could grow to want you in that way…but I wouldn’t let myself do anything about it anyways. Not then, and maybe not ever.”
“Even if we fell in love?”
“You have no idea how scared I am of my parents finding out about us. If I had sex I would be even more terrified. There are STD’s and the chance of pregnancy, I couldn’t handle it.”
He nodded.
“Tell me you aren’t disappointed,” I pleaded.
“I’m not disappointed. I sorta already knew that was going to be your answer. You just still haven’t told me if this changes things between us.”
“It does change things. How? I’m not sure. You’re only fourteen Garrett. How could you have already?”
“Do you want me to tell you what happened?”
“Only if you want me to know.”
He nodded, “I might as well get this over with now. I’m not exactly proud of it.”
“How come?”
“Cause you might not like me as much after I tell you who it was with.”
I was almost afraid to find out whom. However, I wanted to know the story.
“Who was it with?”
“Christine Bolding.”
♠ ♠ ♠
wow, pretty good with the updating, huh?this chapter is on more of a serious note and this talk will continue until the next chapter (part 2).
btw, fifty percent of the time story comments make me write faster.