Let's Pretend It's Love

Time has always been my worse enemy.

There’s always too little of it or too much of it and it was never on my side. With that being said, I was a basket case of emotions and deadlines. My rent was late by at least a week and the number of days until I was officially evicted were uncertain. In addition to that there were officially three days left until the Payne Train wedding and most importantly a pending due date of getting my feelings together.

Upon reading Harry’s note and having what was probably my 100th break down within the past month I’d been doing a lot of thinking. I mean A LOT of thinking.

I couldn’t lie and say that I didn’t feel anything for Harry. I had feelings- whether platonic or otherwise. Over the course of months he’d become my best friend and probably my favorite human being but that didn’t necessarily equate to love. It didn’t mean that I wanted him. But truth was I did. I wanted him when he was sweet, willing to move mountains for me and waiting on me hand and foot. I wanted him when he gave me friendly advice or lectured me when he knew I could do better. I wanted him when he pressed kisses along my forehead and cheeks and when he was hovered over me and pressed against my thigh.

But was that alone enough?

I knew for sure that I had a certain amount of time to get my feelings together before Harry removed himself from the picture completely. I was so used to him running back to me whenever I said or did something stupid but per our last two conversations I was positive he was completely fed up with me.

If I chickened out and decided otherwise, I’m sure we could stay friends. Harry seemed like the type that could stay cordial toward exes (or somewhat, sort of exes). As much as I’d thought it’d be better off if we never did this, deep down inside I couldn’t imagine a life void of Harry. I’d been trying to contact him so that maybe we could talk out our feelings and come to a happy medium but he wouldn’t answer his mobile. I’m completely sure he’d blocked my number but I couldn’t really be upset. I deserved it.

I had to make a decision and I had to make it fast but playing the game of “I love him, I love him not” seemed rather trivial to the things I had going on today. I currently had to figure out where I was going to live and prepare for the most embarrassing hen do ever.

I’d left Penny and Liam’s place early that morning en route of my flat. After the wedding the pair would be heading off to Greece for their honeymoon. It’d feel far to awkward to stay there while they were gone and equally as awkward being stuck there when they got back.

I was counting on a final paycheck from Jess to cover my rent for the next month but when I’d opened my letterbox and flipped through my mail more than five times I came to the harsh reality that there was nothing. I’d officially been redundant for about a good two weeks, that was more than enough time to have my final paycheck ready. I’d worked far too hard and diligently for Jessa over the past few years to lose my job over something so trite and get nothing in return. She was fucking with my life and my finances and that could not stand.

I was practically seeing red the entire way to Darby’s Leather. The distance from Penny’s place to Jessa’s shop was much farther than my own flat and since cabs were too expensive for me these days I had to walk. I didn’t mind though, with all the pent up anger I was feeling I could have easily coasted across town. Yanking open the front door, I quickly realized that nothing had changed about Darby’s Leather while I was gone. The displays hadn’t been changed and looked dusty and business was nearly non existent.

“Presley?” Murray questions staring at me from his spot behind the cash register.

I could only assume that Jess must have given him my position. I wonder how that was working out for him considering he’s as lazy as a sloth and his customer service skills suck.

“I need to see Jessa.” I spoke firmly.

If he thinks I’m here for friendly chit-chat, he’s wrong. This is strictly business.

His blue eyes widened upon noticing the sharpness of my tone and I think he’s gotten the picture.

“S-she’s in her office.”

I don’t waste anytime maneuvering around the counter and marching down the carpeted hall that leads to the stock room and Jessa’s small office. Her door is open and because her desk faces the door I can clearly see her. She appears to busy on her laptop but with the mood I’m in I don’t care.

“Jessamine,” I seethed.

She tears her attention from her computer screen, a surprised expression settling on her face.

“Presley. Hey,” she replies calmly as if nothing has happened.

That only raised my level of anger from 50 to 100. My eyes caught a glimpse of the quickest thing I could grab, a notepad with yellow paper sat on the edge of her desk. I tore off a sheet, not caring if there was anything important written on it and crumpled it into a ball before aiming the wad of paper perfectly between her eyes.

“You must think this is a joke,” I hissed tearing another sheet from the pad. “well It’s not! this is not a fucking joke!”

Jessa ducks the other wad of paper that lands behind her shoulder, her eyebrows furrowing together.

“What are you talking about?” she questions innocently.

I growled before tearing another sheet of paper. I don’t know how I got to this level of hysteria, assaulting my ex-best friend and former boss with paper balls. Maybe if she would stop acting so clueless I wouldn’t have snapped.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” I toss the new ball of paper at her head “did you want him that bad you’d fire me and hold my final paycheck?! That’s fucking rank!”

“Presley, stop!” Jessa yells, holding her hands up in surrender before I can throw the next wad of paper.

“Stop,” she says again softly. “I know you’re angry. Just sit down and well talk.”

I exhaled deeply, a sudden rush of embarrassment washing over me as I plopped down in one of her office chairs with a huff. Jessa folds her hands together, staring me straight in the eyes.

“Look, Presley, ” she sighs deeply “ I know I acted really rash and I’m sorry.”

I blink back at her, still angry and unwilling to accept her apology. Even though Jessa’s committed some of the ultimate betrayal, I know that I’m also wrong and owe her an apology.

“I should apologize too, Jess, I should have told you about Harry and I.”

Jessa sighed running her fingers through her hair.

“He stopped by last week,” she announced plainly.

My eyebrows rose at the declaration and I can’t help but feel annoyed. He can stop by my old job but he won’t even talk to me even though he’s practically the reason I lost my job.

“Oh,” My pulse seems to quicken in fear of that she’s going to say next. What if Jess and Harry hooked up and are a thing now?

“ We talked. He asked me to give you your job back.”

“He what?” I gasped.

It was as if heart was doing summersaults, bursting with feelings. Like a truck of emotions had run me over.No matter how many times I’d rejected his affection, Harry continued to want the best for me. If it hadn’t been obvious before it was completely obvious by now.

Harry was was willing to move mountains for me. That was love and that was certainly a guy worth keeping.

“I was so jealous, Presley,” Jess started. “Harry could never like me the way he likes you. It’s obvious, he cares quite a lot about you.”

I sighed.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“Again, I’m sorry, Pres. Please come back. I can’t stand another second with just Murray.”

I’d been working at Darby’s Leather since I first started uni. Maybe this whole fiasco is what I needed for a wake up call. Maybe it was time for new beginnings in life.

“I don’t know, Jess, ” I started, “We can still be friends but I think it’s time for me to move on to something else.”

Jessa sighed.

“I get it. Just let me know what you decide.”

I didn’t stick around much longer. I had one more big thing to do, another new beginning to start.

****

“Presley! Hurry up and get out here! You’re missing the pre-party festivities!!” Penny yelled, drunkenly banging on the other side of my door, loud music and laughter drifting from the lounge.

It was currently seven o'clock and Penny and the rest of the bridesmaids were kicking off the hen do with pre-party drinks. What Penny didn’t know is that I had no plans to participate in her penis themed party. I had to find Harry and talk to him. After talking with Jess this morning it was if a switch had been flicked and I was suddenly seeing the world with new eyes. I couldn’t deny my feelings anymore, I was completely and utterly enamored with Harry Styles.

“Presley!” Penny snapped yanking open the bedroom door.

She stood with her hand on her hip, clad in her shortest dress, a beaded necklace with a plastic penis hanging around her neck, her free hand holding a shot glass that appeared to be filled with vodka.

“Why aren’t you dressed for the party?”

I stared down at my jumper, skirt and tights and back at Penny.

“Pen, I have to skip out on the hen do.” I explained.

The corner of Penny’s lips turned down into the smallest frown.

“What?” she shrieked. “You promised me you’d be there.”

I stared at my reflection in the vanity mirror whilst tying my scarf around my neck.

“I know, but that was before. I really have to talk to Harry.”

Penny’s brown eyes widened.

“Oh,” she drawled. “I get it! You’re going to get the boy!”

I gave a small grin.

“Something like that.”

“Hey,” Penny slurred. “I bet he’s out with Li and the groomsmen. They’re having the stag t'night,too.”

At that moment I wanted to hug Penny. After being constantly ignored by Harry, I didn’t know the first place to look for him. It was highly unlikely that he’d let me come back to his flat. I needed to get him in a place where he couldn’t turn away.

“Oh, Penny, tell me where?”

She smirked.

“You’re lucky I like to keep tabs on my man. They’re at this pub- Wild Sphinx I think it’s called.”

I could feel a grin tugging at the corner of my lips remembering how horrible my night with Harry and the Wild Sphinx turned out.

“I know exactly where that is. I hope you understand Penny but I’ve got to go.”

Penny grinned.

“Go! Woo him! Hit im’ with the ‘I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.’ It works every time.”

“Eh, I’d rather go for something original.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Whatever, just hurry up before they all get shitfaced.”

I didn’t even grab my handbag as I dashed out the flat. I had a few spare pounds that I figured were worth spending on a cab for this occasion but I could barely sit still during the ride. I was bursting with anticipation and feeling, ready to see what the outcome would be. My palms felt sweaty once the cab arrived at the pub and my legs felt wobbly with adrenaline. The music booming from inside pounded in my ear drums and pulsated my body as I pulled open the heavy door. The pub was dim, filled the the smells of smoke and booze and my eyes wandered around for the face of anyone I knew.

There’s a crowd of blokes gathered around a pool table and my heart flips when I spot his tall figure and wild hair. He’s wearing black, my favorite color, and talking to Liam. Zayn is there as well, sitting on the back of a burlap sofa. My foots step quicken as I approach the boys

“Harry!” I shout hoping to get his attention.

It’s as if a record has scratched and all movement amongst the group stops. Harry turns to face me, his eyebrows pinching together in confusion. All eyes are on me and I can’t seem to get my feet to move. Despite the other faces in front of me, bearing the same perplexed expression I see him and only him.

“Presley?” he drawls in surprise.

“Harry.” I mumble again.

“Babe, this is a stag. What are you doing here?” Zayn pipes up, causing my head to snap in his direction.

Harry glances over at Zayn before turning his attention back to me, an unidentified expression on his face. Before I can come up with a reasonable explanation for both of them Liam, joins in.

“Pres,” he slurs, voice laced with alcohol. “what the hell?”

“Liam,” I start.

“Oooo!” His blonde friend shouts. “I wanna play the name game, too! Niall!!” he shouts proudly.

The blue eyed brunette lounged on the sofa rolls his eyes whilst balancing a cigarette between his lips and Harry shares his annoyed expression as he dismisses himself from the group. His grip on my arm is gentle yet firm and the music seems to fade as he leads us outside the bar.

“What are you doing here?” he finally hisses, shoving his hands in his coat pockets.

It kills me to hear the agitation in his voice, to know that he’d rather me disappear for good than listen to anything I have to say, that he’d rather be anywhere else than right here in this moment.

“Look,” I sighed clutching my coat tighter against my body although the cold doesn’t seem to bother me. “I know as of late I’ve treated you like complete shit, but I have to do this,”

He stares at me with those, bright, hypnotic green eyes of his, the same green eyes that have managed to cast the sweetest spell on me and I almost forget my train of thought.

“I have to do this, one: because I don’t want you walking out of my life thinking I didn’t give a damn about you and two: because I don’t want to walk away from here holding onto feelings that I might not ever feel again.”

Harry sighs heavily, seemingly unmoved by my emotional disclaimer as he mindlessly runs a hand through his wild curls.

“Alright,” he pauses to swipe his tongue against his bottom lip. “I’ll give you ten minuets, tops.”

Well, isn’t he generous?

“I hate you, Harry Styles.”

The words come out heavier than I’d intended and would most likely be a shock to the perfect stranger who might happen to over hear our conversation. It was obvious that the words were appalling to Harry, his eyebrows pinching violently together. His lips part to as if to say something but if I’ve only got ten minuets to air my feelings then he’s going to shut up and listen.

“I hate you,” I continued reluctantly.

“I hate you because you know my favorite Indian take- away meal and you order it without me even asking you it. I hate you because you let me win at scrabble even when you know I can’t spell for shit and you buy me flowers whose names I don’t even know the names of just because you want to and I hate you for keeping my favorite teas in your cupboard.”

My eyes haven’t left his gorgeous face and I can spot the corner of his lips curving into the slightest smile. My sentences have managed to come out in the most hurried jumbled sentences and I’m sure I sound like the craziest woman alive.

I took another deep breath, moving a fallen strand of hair behind ear before continuing.

“I hate you because you’re polite, too polite to everyone around you, including me, the emotionally unavailable train wreck who treats you like shit. ”

I suddenly feel a lump forming in my throat I don’t know why.

“I hate you and your gorgeous lopsided grin that makes my heart race and those lovely jade eyes that can see straight through my soul. I hate you because as much as much as I try, I can’t. I can’t hate anything about you- and I hate that.”

I search his face for some kind of approval even though, knowing deep down inside that my big speech has tanked in the most cliche’ way possible. All I can hear is the pounding of my heart and I have to look away from him.

“Well, you could’ve come up with ten things, at least.” he chuckles.

“What?” I snap, tearing my gaze away from the pavement, obviously not getting his humor.

Harry sighs heavily, weaving his fingers through his hair.

“What is that you’re trying to tell me, Presley?”

I exhaled sharply, rubbing my palms against my tights.

“I knew, I felt it when you first brought me flowers and I felt it again on Christmas Eve at your mum’s house. I tried so hard to fight it but I just can’t anymore,”

I chewed the corner of my bottom lip, chapped from the cold knowing which words would come next.

“What I’m trying to say, Harry,is that I like you a hell of a lot and fuck- I think I might actually be in love with you.”

The words dangle in the air like a worm on the end of a fish hook. I’m standing there waiting for Harry to take the bait or swim away. Something about his expression changes, something I can’t quite read. He suddenly takes a step forward, sealing the gap between us as he takes both of my hands in his.

“So, that’s just it, yeah?” he questions, staring down at with mesmerizing jade eyes. “everything’s supposed to happen on your time table? You say the words and we’re supposed to kiss and make up?”

If this was like the movies then, yes. I’d say those four little words, all would be forgiven and we’d jump into the abyss of happily-ever after. I however knew better than anyone that nothing is ever like the movies.

“Harry,” I gave his hands a tight squeeze. “I’m sorry, I-”

“No.” he interrupts. “I’m sorry. It’s not that easy. I don’t think this is going to work. ”

And just like that it’s over.

He tears his hands away from mine and my gut wrenches with disappointment. Tears sting the corner of my eyes again and I have to promise myself I won’t let him see me cry. I feel like a total loser, crashing a stag party to profess my love only to be rejected. I’d practically given him my heart on a silver platter only to have his throw it back at me faster than I could catch it.

This is not the response I was expecting. All along I thought this is what he wanted. That this is all it took. Maybe I was wrong.

“You should probably go now.” he says softly, his green eyes burning a hole through my heart.

No “It’s alright.”? No “I wish you the best”? No “We can still be friends.”? Nothing.

I bite down hard on my bottom lip to keep it for trembling.

I understand, that’s fair.“ I whisper.

But I don’t understand and this is not fair. I’m crushed, crestfallen. This is exactly what I was afraid of.

I literally can’t stand here and face defeat any longer so I simply turn and walk away, hoping to be far away from everything.

Maybe I deserve this. Maybe this is what I get for being so indecisive, so stubborn. Maybe this is what I get for thinking that Harry could be different from other men or maybe this is exactly what I get for putting my guard down long enough to actually feel something.