Breathe

With February soon coming to an end and the weather finally getting a bit better, Liv and I grabbed our pasta and chicken dinners and sat down on our balcony to eat. With the sun setting and the sky darkening, we flicked on one the lanterns we’d hung up on the side and sat down on our pillow seats with our feet stretched out before us and began to eat. Our balcony wasn’t that big, but we’d made it cozy and had spent several summer days just sitting there and talking. Because of winter, the two of us hadn’t gotten a chance to do it in a while, so it felt nice and familiar to be able to again.

“How did your midterms go?” I asked Liv, trying to disentangle the cheese on my plate since it was stretching out too long.

“They went well,” she replied with a beam. “I think I aced all of them.”

“That’s good!” I said to her, proudly like a mum. “Good for you.”

“Thank you. Not sure if Harry fared as well. Saw him struggling a bit during the examination.”

I hummed in response. “Dunno about that, actually. He hasn’t mentioned anything to me. I know he revised because I was with him when he did, but who knows? Maybe Harry got stumped on a question.”

“You mean you two actually did something other than bone each other?” she asked, complete with a faux gasp and a dramatic expression. I looked at her with a bored expression and she burst into a laugh. “I’m just kidding. Thanks for playing that playlist when he came over last night, by the way. I really liked a few of the songs. Especially the new Kings of Leon tune he had on there. I actually Googled the lyrics and downloaded it while listening.”

I snorted, biting into my chicken. “I’ll let Harry know. I’m sure he’ll be happy to hear that.”

“How was it having sex with music on?”

I thought back to the night before when Harry decided to be spontaneous and show up at my front door. We didn’t say much when I let him in, just kissed while stumbling into my bedroom with our limbs entangled together. Harry plugged up his phone to my laptop and put it on the highest volume, playing whatever sex mix he made by the door so that the songs would drift outside. That made me laugh a lot, but then Harry tackled me on the bed with a deep growl and we got down to business.

I bit my lip, the details of the night playing back in my mind and my stomach tightening at the thought of calling Harry over again. I knew Harry would be here in a heartbeat if I asked and we could do it all over again. But then I realized I couldn’t do that because I was with Liv and she asked me a question and I couldn’t just go into a weird sex haze whenever I thought about Harry like this. I turned back to her, trying to compose my expression so I could respond to her question. “I think it set the mood, definitely. Like, he picked some nice songs and it kind of spurred us on even more than usual.”

“How many athletic rounds of sex did you have?” Liv asked, her eyes so wide and imploring that it made me laugh because she was completely serious when she asked.

“Just, like, two, I think,” I said, waving a hand in the air.

“You think?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“There was so much going on,” I answered, defensively. “I couldn’t keep track. Stop judging me.”

“I’m not,” she laughed. “I’m just wondering.”

I leveled her with a look. “What about you, huh? How’s Aiden? You never told me about your date and quite frankly, I’m starting to get a bit offended because it’s becoming a trend. You go on dates and you come back and there’s no mention of it. What is that supposed to mean? Surely something interesting must have happened.”

“I forgot to mention it,” Liv shrugged noncommittally. “It was alright, I suppose, since you so desperately want to know. We actually went on two dates since then because he surprised me after one of my classes one day and took me to lunch, but you know. It’s chill, I guess.”

I gaped at her, slightly surprised by her nonchalance at yet another effort for a relationship. It wasn’t new was the thing, so I shouldn’t be that surprised. I’d always seen Liv just sort of have crushes on people, floating from one boy to another, and never actually doing anything about it. I couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a relationship because she was hardly ever in one other than the puppy love thing she had with Aiden years ago. Due to that, I’d assumed that after getting this second chance with him she’d be excited or happy about it, but she seemed so indifferent to it all. I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

I thought back to a few weeks prior when Liv was so stressed kissing a girl that she couldn’t even talk to me about it, other than what she’d confessed to me. However, she was drunk then and Liv was always too honest when she was drunk. And it bothered me that she wasn’t talking about it at all. I didn’t want her to bottle it all up when I knew there was something more that she wasn’t being completely honest about. Liv knew she could trust me, but with situations like these, I guessed you had to be careful because most times it wasn’t you that was the problem or the issue. There could be an internal battle as well that had to be figured out, too, before anything else.

I realized I had been staring at her for too long without saying anything when she turned to me with penne pasta halfway into her mouth and raised eyebrows. I licked my tomato sauce stained lips and turned back to my food, trying to compose a more neutral expression. “Well, as long as you’re happy,” I said.

She hummed in response.

“You are happy, though, right?” I asked, looking back up at Liv again. I wanted her to know that she could be happy, regardless of who she liked to kiss, and that it was okay. And I also wanted her to know that I was always there for with whatever she was internally fighting.

She nodded, still unbothered and calm. “I mean, yeah, I’m happy. I have fun with Aiden,” she said with a slightly amused tone. “Aiden’s a good friend to me.” When I didn’t respond, having no idea what to say, she cleared her throat and smiled brightly. “I also made another new friend.”

“Did you?” I asked. “Who is this new friend? Should I be worried?”

Liv giggled, shaking her head no. “I actually met her at the mixer we went to on Valentine’s Day and turns out she’s in one of my classes, too.”

“That’s great. What’s her name?”

“Dylan Wilkinson,” Liv replied enthusiastically while my mouth dropped at the familiarity of the name. “She’s president of that sorority and we talked all night. You’d left by then, but yeah. She’s so fucking funny. Like, you won’t believe the things she says.” When Liv caught the look on my face, she stopped talking and frowned slightly. “What?”

“That’s the girl Harry was talking with,” I said, with a displeased expression. “At the mixer. I got a bit jealous when I saw them, even though both he and Liam assured me that they weren’t flirting, but still. You never know what the intentions are.”

Liv let out an amused laugh, her eyes crinkling at the corners. I watched her for a moment as she wheezed out, “She wasn’t flirting with him, you loser.”

“Oh and how do you know?”

“She’s a lesbian.”

My eyes widened comically and that only spurred Liv on, making her laugh even harder. I bit my lip, sustaining an embarrassed smile and feeling rather silly as I thought back to the night of the party and how I’d reacted. Liam and Harry both told me that Harry wasn’t trying to chat her up or hook up with her. It didn’t occur to me that the reason could be that she wasn’t interested in boys at all. Obviously guys and girls can talk as friends, but I went in there with the idea that something like that would happen. When I saw them together, I just jumped to conclusions and assumed the worst.

And now I looked really stupid.

Liv had quieted down beside me and was now watching me curiously. “I have a question,” she said after a while.

“What is it?” I asked, looking down at my half finished plate.

“I’m just a bit lost because you said you and Harry figured out your shit and that you were together. And I’m not doubting it or anything, but you had no plans on Valentine’s Day together and when you did see him, you assumed he was trying to hook up with another girl.” She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. “How serious is it? Are you in an open relationship or?”

I avoided looking at her and let out a nervous breath, staring down at my plate intently. Liv wasn’t the top in her classes for no reason. She was extremely brilliant, observant and keen to everything going around her. It was rather silly of me to not correct her when she’d initially assumed what she did the day after Harry’s birthday. Because no matter what I said, after a while, she would put the pieces together and realize that he and I weren’t in a relationship. We were still friends; just friends who fucked a lot, kissed a lot, and sometimes even held hands on the side. And friends didn’t do things like that. Friends didn’t sleep in the same bed or treat each other the way we did.

The thing was, I had thought that something would have changed between me and Harry by now and then what I’d told Liv wouldn’t be a lie anymore. And now a month had going by and nothing had changed, really. He gave me clues, here and there. Little tidbits that this was different even though there was a limit to everything. It always held me back from worrying about it, until now, with Liv looking at me with a curious expression. I knew I couldn’t do that anymore. I knew avoiding it would be foolish because there was only so long I could get away with not answering questions like Liv’s.

I let out a soft sigh and licked my lips, delaying the inevitable, before looking back up at Liv. “Harry and I aren’t in a relationship.”

“What?” she asked, slightly disbelieving. “What do you mean? I see you two all the time and you’re always together and you’re kissing.”

“I know,” I said, feeling even more stupid. “I just--we haven’t exactly had that relationship talk yet. We’re just--.”

“What?” she interrupted, her voice sharper. I blinked at her, completely still as she frowned.  “What, like, you’re just fucking?” When I didn’t respond, Liv let out an angry scoff. “I thought you were done with this, B.”

“Done with what?” I asked.

“I thought you were done with guys walking all over you. I thought you were done with them taking what they want from you and treating you like shit. You were past all that bullshit, you told me!”

“You know Harry doesn’t treat me like shit,” I said loudly, immediately coming to his defense because Harry hadn’t done anything wrong. Harry had been so lovely to me every time we’d been together and I didn’t want Liv to say anything negative about him.

“I know that, but you’re one of his best friends. You two can’t just fuck on the side and then walk out of it unharmed. Someone’s going to get hurt and knowing how you feel about him, you know it’ll be you. Do you really want that? Do you want to take the progress you made over the last few years with yourself since that asshole of an ex of yours broke up with you and take however many steps back just because Harry won’t be direct with you?”

I turned away from her with a frown, squeezing my eyes shut and letting my head rest on the railing of the balcony. I wanted nothing more than to be far, far away from this conversation because it was a serious buzz kill. I’d been so happy these past few days. Having feelings for Harry and being the way the two of us were had put me on fucking cloud nine, so much so, that I forgot about everything else. It’d been so long since I’d been this way with any guy that I forgot there were conversations to be had, something mature adults should do given the situation, and for good reason. Had Harry and I talked about what we were to each other, I wouldn’t have been worried that he’d get with another girl or stressed over whether or not I could hold his hand when I wanted to. Liv was right in every sense because while the feeling of being reckless was fun at first, it wouldn’t be like that in the end.

“You get why I’m saying this, though, right?” Liv asked softly, her tone a lot more consoling than before.

I nodded my head slowly before opening my eyes again and looking at the busy streets below. “It’s just--I don’t know what to do. It feels like we’re a couple in every sense, but I still don't know.”

“Well, ask him, then,” she said, optimistically, with a smile and shining, blue eyes. “Make the first move because it doesn’t always have to come from the boy. Be honest about how you feel about him.”

“I’m scared,” I admitted, my voice small. “After things with you and Harry ended, he had a bit of a breakdown and it wasn’t because of you or anything. It was mostly because he has this whole idea and fascination with finding the one. He thought Darcy was the one and she and him broke up because she wasn’t making the effort. She didn’t try to fight for him in the end and that got to him. And then you gave up on him, too, and he was torn up about it all. He just kept opening up all these deep fears that he had and then me, being the idiot that I am, told him he’s young and in a frat, so he should go and fuck every girl that threw themselves at him.”

“You did what?” Liv asked, her eyebrows practically shooting up to her hairline.

“I told him to hook up with random girls and have casual sex,” I said with a shaky laugh. “I thought that it would be good for him to go a little wild after being in a relationship for so long. And he fucking listened and not long after, I started getting jealous. I was jealous and I couldn’t even admit to myself why I was until after he and I hooked up. Now I know, and Harry and I are this thing.”

“This thing,” Liv chuckled, humorlessly. “You realize that you can’t go backwards with these kinds of things, right? Like, once you and him have sex and continue to do it in whatever sense or state that you do, it can’t go back to the way it was before. Even if you talk to him and things don’t work out, it’ll always be like this. There will always be an elephant in the room and some sort of tension between you two.”

“I know,” I replied. “I’m completely aware that if we stopped and went back to being just friends, I’ll probably cry for days in my bedroom because I genuinely do like him a lot, Liv. Like, I can’t stop smiling around him no matter what and my heart always goes fucking crazy when he touches me. Harry does things to me and makes me feel stuff that I’ve never felt before. I’ll be heartbroken if he doesn’t feel the same.”

“So, why can’t you tell him that?”

“Because,” I cried, turning to look at her. “If I do, I look like such a fucking idiot. I was the one that told him to be single and have fun and now I’m saying, oh, don’t do that because I have a massive crush on you? That’s so pathetic because he’s out there and he’s living his life and he’s fucking having a great time. I’d feel so stupid for saying no now. I’d feel hypocritical and selfish to tell him to stop and be tied down to me if that’s not what he wants.”

Liv looked at me quietly for a moment, toying with the leftover chicken on her plate. “Do you think he has feelings for you, too? I mean, he can’t keep his hands off of you and he’s always here to see you. Surely, there must be something there.”

I pursed my lips with a shrug. “I think that he probably does have some feelings. He’s said some things and hinted at me being the only girl he’s with right now, so I mean, that’s good. And I always see him like you said, so I’m not going to be oblivious and say I don’t know if he does or not. I just don’t know if his feelings for me are enough that he’d want to be in a relationship with me. He hasn’t brought it up--ever.”

Liv sighed, looking as defeated as I felt with the situation. “I mean, your reasoning now is completely understandable. I’d probably be the same, but I’d also just think about myself, too. And how this would affect everything in the grand scheme of things. You can’t ignore the reality of the situation just for some temporary happiness. You’ve to be logical and mature about it after a while.”

“I will be,” I told her. “I’ll--I’ll figure something out. I don’t know what, but I will.”

“I just want you both to be happy,” she said. “I don’t want either of you to be sad after all this. And I don’t want you to stop being friends after all this because he’s good to you and you’re good to him and you two deserve to be happy--together or not.”

“I don’t want that either,” I assured her. “Like I said. I’ll think about it.”

Liv gave me one last small smile before quietly finishing up her dinner.



That night, I tossed and turned in bed from one end to the other, not being able to sleep because my head was filled with thoughts about Harry. I shouldn’t have been surprised because all my thoughts were always about Harry, no matter how big the world was and how insignificant we really were in the grand scheme of things, Harry was all I could think about.

Liv’s words kept playing back to me on a loop, echoing in my mind since I’d spoken with her. After dinner, we both retreated to our bedrooms and said goodnight. I tried to do some revision and when I couldn’t retain any of the information, I gave up and tried watching something on Netflix, instead, but that only made me think of Harry even more. So then, I settled into bed, hoping I could sleep this whole night off, but that hadn’t worked, either. I couldn’t find it in me to sleep, not when something as big as this was weighing on my shoulders.

Simply put, I really wanted Harry. I wanted to be with Harry in every sense so badly that I would do anything to get him. And I wanted to know if he wanted me, too. He’d said it countless times that he did while we were having sex, but I hardly thought that was the same. While being with someone in a physical sense was extremely important, wanting them as your significant other was just as essential. I played back every single moment we spent together since his birthday, every second etched into my memory, simply trying to understand. Were we still just friends or were we more? I had been willing to let everything slide \because at least I had him in some capacity if not none. And while that had been okay for a while, I knew it couldn’t be like that anymore.

I’d never had feelings for anyone like I did for Harry and that was the part that always got to me the most. No one had ever sparked such a strong physical reaction in me. I’d been with a few boys in my time and none of them matched up to what Harry had shown me. And I wanted that to have a label now. I couldn’t settle for us continuously being stuck in this weird limbo between just friends and more than friends any longer because I wanted Harry to like me for more than my body.

I wanted Harry to like me how I liked him, which wasn’t just in a physical sense, but his thoughts, mind, and dreams, too.

While I was a little optimistic about how the conversation might end up turning out, I also couldn’t help but be a little scared. I almost sort of expected Harry to laugh at me when I told him or maybe ask me if I was joking. Maybe he liked being single more than he wanted to be with me. Maybe he didn’t want to be with me at all if this was the ultimatum I was going to give him.

And for the first time in a long time, I was scared of the future instead of anticipating it. I was scared of what would happen between us, but most of all I was scared that things between us had changed and now we couldn’t be how we were before all this. Before we started kissing and having sex. If that ended up happening, Harry would become a stranger again and I’d never know what could have happened if he did give us a shot.



The week that followed was seemingly one of the longest weeks of the semester. It dragged on, way longer than necessary, making me feel everything more intensely.

Since I’d decided that I was going to talk to Harry regarding what we were, I realized I couldn’t face him until I figured out how or what exactly I was going to say. It seemed like such a loaded and scary conversation that I needed more time to think and formulate not only the words, but also a bit of courage. I was scared shitless and kept avoiding the whole thing altogether whenever given the opportunity. While it was cowardly of me, I didn’t care. I wasn’t ready yet to face him and admit how I felt.

Consequently, this put a sudden halt to how our relationship had developed over the past few weeks, and the two of us were now not only not hanging out and talking like we usually did, but also not sleeping together either.

I had gotten spoiled a bit this past month, used to seeing Harry’s dimpled smile first thing in the morning and melting into his soft, warm hugs whenever I wanted. So much so, that I felt fucked up over not seeing him for just a week. I’d find myself wondering what he was doing and whether or not I could get away with seeing him only for a little bit without having to say what was looming over the two of our heads. I missed him so much that sometimes it would catch me by total surprise because I’d see or remember something related to him (which was pretty much everything) and I’d reach over for my phone to text him because we always texted from the minute we woke up to the moment we fell asleep, only to realize, I wasn’t really talking to him at the moment. I’d be going about my day, doing revision or going to classes or running errands and I’d find myself aching to see him for no reason at all, just to talk to him out of habit.

Harry tried to see me, of course. He had texted me a few times to go for a coffee run, which I’d either declined or ignored, or pretended like I was already asleep. Other than that, since our classes ran differently and our schedules didn’t always match up, we wouldn’t really see each other on campus, either, unless by chance. I could tell he knew something was fishy, but was probably not questioning it because I wasn’t completely shutting him out. We had gone without seeing each other for long stretches before when course work got busy, but since the start of everything after Harry's birthday, we had been inseparable. I both hoped and didn't hope that Harry noticed something being different about this recent loss of contact.

Because if he didn’t notice it, then that meant we weren’t as special for him. That meant that whatever it was that was between us wasn’t as important as I thought it was and if I was just going to stop, that meant he would, too, without a question. And that wasn’t a comforting thought because even if it was over and it never really began in the traditional sense of things, it was more than real in my heart.

By the time the weekend rolled around, I was more than antsy and nervous before the party at Theta Chi. I’d gotten dressed, spending longer than usual in front of the mirror to figure out what to wear before settling on a black flare cami dress that stopped a little over my knees. Liv found me in my room, hours after I’d gone in to get dressed, still lacing up my boots.

“You’re still not ready yet?” she asked, looking at me with her eyebrows pinched and puckered.

I shrugged once I was done putting on my shoes. “Couldn’t decide what to wear,” I told her.

Liv nodded, walking further inside and sitting beside me on my bed. “Are you alright?” she asked me quietly, her eyes imploring and concerned.

“I’m fine,” I said, giving her a small breathy laugh. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because I know I probably fucked things up for you by telling you all those things last week about Harry. You haven’t seen him all week, B, which means you’re avoiding him now. And I swear, I didn’t mean to, like, psych you out or anything. By all means, be with Harry because I know how much you like him. Don’t listen to me.”

“It’s not your fault,” I insisted, wrapping an arm around her so that she’d calm down. “It’s not anyone’s fault, really. You were right in what you said so don’t feel guilty, I just have to talk to him about it, but I haven’t found the courage to. That’s why I’ve been avoiding him, but I’ll see him tonight and I still don’t know what I’ll say. So, just a bit nervous, is all.”

Liv looked unconvinced and still a bit guilty, but I didn’t know what else to say to make her feel better. “Well,” she started to say eventually. “Let me help you. I’ll help you, I promise I can help you figure this out.”

“What can you do?” I asked. “Not like you can go and have that conversation with him for me, can you?”

“We’ll figure it out,” she repeated.

“Figure what out?” Layla asked, walking into my bedroom with a bright smile. She’d come over earlier that day from her dorm because she wanted to to go to the party with us. The three of us spent the former part of the day just catching up and talking about what we’d all been up to because since Layla had gotten together with Niall, the two of them were connected at the hip and it had been awhile since we’d hung out like old times. We caught up on everything and anything, but one topic that we’d strayed from was me and Harry.

I didn’t speak up about it because I’d spent so much time thinking about it the past week, that I didn’t want to be talking about it now, too. Liv didn’t mention anything thankfully, instead finally enclosing some details about her and Aiden after Layla prodded. It seemed they had another date and Liv said she was excited, but I was still wary to completely believe her. She spoke more of her new friend, Dylan, who she smiled at just the mention of. The two of them seemed to hit off so much so that they were now revision buddies in the library and often had meals together throughout the day. I was curious to know what Dylan was really like given my initial perception of her as someone who was trying to pull Harry because Liv praised her like she was the sun. After that, Layla filled us in on Niall and all their relationship details. Apparently Niall had met her parents and they even spent a night at her brother’s house with his wife and two kids up in Birmingham one weekend. She told me it was proper domestic because they baby-sat for a while and even cooked dinner together.

Liv was just about to answer Layla and probably fill her in on what was going on between Harry and me when the doorbell rang. I looked at Liv in confusion, wondering if we were expecting any guests given that we were about to go out. She shrugged in response before turning to Layla.

“Niall’s here. He wanted to walk with us to the party,” she informed us with a giddy smile. We watched as she practically sprinted out of the room to answer the door, and by the time Liv and I had joined them, we found the pair snogging by the front door. Niall had Layla in his arms, lifted up off the floor, and it looked like a scene out of a Disney fairytale movie. Would have been cute any other time, but considering my own hopeless love life, I felt rather bitter.

“Well, isn’t this just cute,” Liv remarked with an air of faux sarcasm even though she was grinning.

I snorted as Niall and Layla pulled away and Layla was back on her own feet. Niall straightened out his red flannel shirt and smiled at us sheepishly. After gathering the last of our things, the four of us headed out and walked towards the frat house. It was quiet at first. Liv and I walked behind Niall and Layla, who were swinging their entwined hands ahead of us. They were talking in whispers between themselves about whatever and then Layla turned around to look at the two of us.

“Oh, I just remembered,” she said. “What were you two figuring out before?”

Liv looked at me warily for a moment before turning back to the two. “Blair and Harry aren’t in a relationship yet,” she told them sadly, the corners of her mouth tugged down.

I looked at her in complete disbelief. “You can’t say that in front of his roommate and best friend,” I cried, throwing my hands up in exasperation.

“Niall won’t tell,” Layla immediately said, trying to calm me down. Niall gave a nod in agreement and the three of them looked at me in concern. I hated it. Layla slowed down our pace so that we were all walking in a line. “I thought you two were a couple. We all did.”

“I did, too,” Niall said. “Harry hasn’t said anything to make us think otherwise and God knows, we’re always making fun of him about you two and calling you his girlfriend. He never corrects us.”

“Well, he hasn’t asked me or said anything,” I told him. “We never had that conversation or like any proper date. It’s just been physical stuff for the most part.”

“Why didn’t you have the conversation?” Layla asked. “I thought you liked him, like seriously liked him.”

“I do,” I admitted, carefully eyeing Niall, wondering if he was going to tell Harry everything even though Layla said he wouldn’t. “Things just kind of took a weird turn and it got to this stage. And now I don’t really know how to fix it without ruining our friendship, but it might already be ruined.”

Niall clicked his tongue, shaking his head at that. “Harry’s not like that. He wouldn’t ruin your friendship for anything. You shouldn’t be scared. I’m sure Harry would talk it out.”

“Blair has her reasons for not saying anything,” Liv defended quickly. “Why can’t Harry say anything? It’s obvious he feels something for her, so maybe he should say it.”

“True,” Niall agreed. “Not sure why he hasn’t. I could talk to him for you, if you want?”

“No,” I quickly said because that was so embarrassing and so primary school. “Don’t do that. I--I’ll figure it out. I don’t know how, but I will.”

“You could just go up to him and say you need to talk,” Layla suggested. “Very easy and simple. Effective, too.”

“That is such a mood killer,” I groaned. “I’m not doing that.”

“You could spur him on to saying something,” Liv said, her eyes suddenly shining mischievously. The three of us looked at her in confusion and she grinned. “Flirt with another guy in front of him and see if Harry does anything. If he’s serious about you in any way, he’ll definitely get jealous and come over and say something.”

I let out a nervous cackle while shaking my head no. “What?” I asked her. “That’s so--it’s so--you know. It’s so childish. Harry isn’t even the jealous type, I think, so I don’t know if that would work.”

“Uh, no. Harry’s definitely the jealous type if he actually has feelings for you,” Niall admonished. “I’ve seen him get jealous a handful of times over Darcy because he really liked her, but if he doesn’t have genuine feelings for the girl then he wouldn’t really cause a scene.”  

“See!” Liv cried, excitedly. “It could totally work and give you all the answers you need.”

“No, it can’t,” I insisted. “I don’t want to flirt with anyone. It’s so counteractive.”

“I think it could work,” Layla said. “I agree with Liv. You should totally flirt with some other boy and Harry would come over and tell you to stop because he’s in love with you. And you’ll live happily ever after.”

“News flash, Layla, it’s not always easy like that,” I snapped. “And like I said, I don’t really want to flirt with anyone.”

“You don’t have to actually flirt,” Liv said. “You could just talk to someone and we’ll get Niall to go over to Harry and tell him that you guys are flirting.”

“Yes!” Layla grinned, nodding her head and hopping up and down. I started to wonder if whenever Niall kissed her, he transferred some of his enthusiastic energy into her because this was some next level shit. “What do you say, B?”

I sighed, rubbing a hand over my arm. It could possibly work, even though it wasn’t ethical to just manipulate a situation to get what I wanted. I used to do things like that, but now I didn’t anymore and for good reason. Plus, I was also a bit scared Harry wouldn’t come over because he wasn’t jealous and I would end up looking stupid. However, given the looks on my friend’s faces, I knew I might not have a choice. “I’ll think about it,” I eventually said, feeling defeated.

“That’s good enough,” Liv replied with a knowing smile. “For now.”



I’d been standing on my own by the drinks table, sipping on whatever Ed had mixed me while looking at the party going on around me, when Kyle Baker had approached me. The last time I’d seen him was in the boys locker room when he’d walked in on me and Harry kissing. He greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and we made small talk, catching up and laughing at whatever story he was telling me, enough to distract me for a little while from the constant nagging in my head about Harry.

I saw him as soon as I’d walked inside of the frat house with the girls and Niall. Harry was leaning against the wall on the opposite side of the room, talking to Louis and Zayn, and he immediately came over to me when he saw me. I didn’t miss the way the others watched us as he engulfed me in a big hug and gave me a kiss on the lips, whispering, “missed you,” into my ear. I couldn’t help but get a little dazed and elated at that because kissing him and touching him after all these days felt like a breath of fresh air. Since then, though, I’d made steady efforts in avoiding him while trying to figure out whether or not I should do what the girls and Niall had suggested because that seemed easier than actually asking him to talk. That was over an hour ago and I still had no idea.

It was in the middle of Kyle telling me about this new puppy his family just adopted that I noticed Niall whispering something to Harry from across the room and his eyes immediately shooting over to where I was. I quickly turned away and looked back at Kyle, who was still going on with his story, hand gestures and all. Shit. Fuck.

I should have known Liv and Layla weren’t going to wait for me to make an actual decision on this. They were meddlesome and nosey if they were anything and I was stupid to think that they weren’t going to stay out of it. I absentmindedly nodded along to whatever Kyle was saying, awkwardly shifting from one foot to another and crossing my arms, wanting so badly to see if Harry cared about whatever Niall told him. If he cared that Kyle could be flirting with me.

I got my answer right then when suddenly Harry appeared beside me, his arm sliding around my waist. I blinked up at him and he looked down at me with something dark and questioning in his eyes. I didn’t get a chance to say anything to him because Kyle beat me to it.

“Hey man,” he said to Harry, his eyes narrowing in on where Harry’s hand was on me before looking back up at us and straightening out his frown with a smile. “What’s good?”

“Alright,” Harry shrugged, his fingers prodding at my hips. “You?”

“I’m great,” Kyle responded. “Just telling Blair about this new puppy we got. He’s a golden retriever and fresh out of our neighbor’s dog’s womb.”

“Oh,” Harry chuckled. “That’s--uh, that’s cute. What’d you name him?”

“Haven’t decide yet, but it’s between Peppermint and Biscuit.”

“Both are very good choices,” Harry replied with a firm nod. “I’d go with Biscuit, though.”

Kyle nodded, mulling over Harry’s response before turning to me. “What about you, Blair?” he asked. “What do you think?”

I froze as the two boys turned to me, expectantly, and I almost laughed out loud, feeling hysterical. I had no interest in saying anything because my mind was still stuck back at Harry coming over as soon as Niall told him Kyle was flirting with me. Harry came over right away and he was holding me possessively in front of Kyle to prove a point. This meant Harry was jealous and he did care and that I was his.

I slowly smiled at last, a blush forming on my cheeks. “I like Biscuit, too,” I said.

“Duly noted,” Kyle laughed. “Anyways, I’ll leave you two be. I’m going to go see if I can find anyone else I know. Later!”

“Bye,” I waved, giving him a polite smile. Even after he was gone, Harry’s hand stayed where it was and he turned me so I was facing him.

“Hi,” he said, his lips tugging up at one corner into a smirk.

“Hi,” I replied, not being able to help but giggle at him and look away because I felt a little shy.

Harry smiled back, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. “You okay?” he asked.

“I guess,” I shrugged, placing one hand on his shoulder while playing with the thin fabric of his white t-shirt with the other. Harry hummed, leaning into my touch before putting his other arm around me so that his hands were looped behind me.

“We should ditch this party and go get coffee,” he said. “Maybe talk? About us?”

I nodded with a small smile. “I’d like that.”



Harry settled down beside me on the hood of his car, our legs dangling off on the edge. He handed me my coffee cup, which I took and blew on a bit, not taking a sip quite yet. This was earlier than when we normally met for coffee, yet the shop was practically deserted save for that one girl sitting by the window with her headphones in her ear and a book in her lap. There wasn’t any music streaming from inside the car or good-hearted conversation between Harry and I this time.

The mood had shifted between us on the drive over towards something slightly more tense and nervous. I was now worrying about how this conversation was going to go as opposed to how to bring it up like before. Harry wasn’t saying anything for the most part, just sipping on his drink, and I couldn’t help but wonder what was going through his head. He’d been sweet when we said goodbye to everyone at the party, keeping his hand around me and kissing me on the cheek here and there. When we got into the car and drove over, he just kept getting quieter and quieter as we got closer to the coffee shop and the impending conversation that was waiting to happen between us.

After what seemed like a century, he finally broke the silence. “Do you think Kyle will seriously name his new dog Biscuit after we told him to?”

I looked at him for a moment and noticed the humored smirk on his lips and let out a surprised laugh. “Fuck, I hope not. It’s a terrible name.”

“It is,” he agreed with a nod. “‘S why I suggested it to him.”

I tutted, disappointedly. “Why’d you do that? That’s not very nice. He’s your teammate and a friend.”

“Not when he’s standing there and flirting with you. And honestly, Blair, any guy who uses his new puppy as a chat up line is not even worth it. I’m just saying.”

I giggled a bit nervously, feeling my heart rate pick up a little and my hands shake with nerves. “Oh, yeah? You think it was lame?”

“Super lame,” Harry answered right away. His tone took a turn for more serious as he looked down at his cup. “You shouldn’t even talk to him. He’s not good for you.”

“Why not? What’s so bad about him?” I asked, feeling my heart thundering against my ribcage, waiting with bated breath as Harry looked over at me.

“Just don’t like him talking to you.”

“Why does it matter though, Harry?” I asked him, getting rather frustrated that he wouldn’t just come out and say it. “What’s it to you if he does?”

“It’s everything to do with me when he’s looking at you like that or talking to you like that. I don’t like it, Blair.”

Harry was watching me with wide, honest, green eyes and I nodded at him for no reason, just to do something because I couldn’t look away from him. I gulped before speaking again, my voice coming out small and shaky. “Do you like me, Harry?”

He let out a breathy laugh, almost nervous and contemplative. “Isn’t it obvious?” he asked.

“Is it?” I bit my lip, chewing on it.

“Of course I like you, Blair,” he breathed out, putting his coffee down on his other side before leaning in towards me. “I like you so much, you have no idea. I have for a long fucking time and I thought you knew.”

“You like me,” I said, a smile forming on my lips, watching as Harry grinned back at me with a nod.

“Like you so, so much. You’re so fucking beautiful in every possible way. How could I not?”

I frowned then, smacking him on the chest and watched him wince, rubbing over the spot. His lips formed an ‘o’ as he gasped softly, before laughing shakily and looking at me with a frown. “What the fuck? Why have you done that?”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me, you arse? I spent a fucking week in misery because I didn’t know how to tell you and turns out you felt the same the entire time.”

“I knew you were doing that on purpose. Please don’t avoid me like that again. Longest week of my life,” he mumbled, nosing against my neck. “And I was scared, alright?”

“Scared about what?” I asked.

“Scared that you might not want to be with me,” he said, his voice soft and warm against my neck. “Because I want to be with you so badly, B. Please, I really want this. And I’m not sure if you are, too, but I’m so fucking serious about us. I just didn’t know if you were too.”

“I am,” I said to him quietly. “I really like you, too, Harry.”

He smiled, his lips tugging at the corners as he looked back up to me, his eyes flitted down to my lips before meeting my eyes again. “Should have told me, too.”

“I didn’t know how,” I replied with a guilty smile. “Not after I gave you that whole speech to go sleep around and be single. It would have been so hypocritical of me because what if you liked being single and didn’t want to be tied down in another relationship? I wasn’t sure if you wanted that. If you wanted me.”

Harry smiled at me softly, his eyes tracing every feature on my face like he wanted to memorize how it looked at that moment. Like he wanted to keep this moment with him forever, just like I did.

“I want you,” he whispered to me, his warm breath fanning over my lips, making me want to close the space between us and taste the bitter coffee on his lips. “I want only you.”

“Want you, too,” I whispered back, finally leaning forward to brush our lips together before pulling away again. “I don’t want to just hook up and stuff when we’re drunk or whatever. I want a proper relationship, like, sober or drunk, it’s only going to be me for you and you for me.”

“Yeah,” Harry nodded eagerly, kissing the corner of my lip. “Want that, too.”

I smiled, putting my coffee cup down before cupping his strong, defined jaw and kissing him soundly. Our lips moved together slow and languid, sweet and wet. I felt him wrap an arm around me, smiling with his tongue in my mouth and I knew that I had never been happier than I was now. I used to go into things with boys, knowing it would have an expiration date, but with Harry that thought never once came. And while this may not last, maybe finding out if it would could be an adventure on its own.