Breathe

I woke up jarringly the next morning when I felt something shift by my legs, stumbling over them with their own limbs. I peered my bleary, sleepy eyes open to see Harry standing beside the bed and pulling on his boxers. I felt confused and scared all of a sudden -- why was he getting up? Where was he going? I started to pull myself up to ask, but was only able to sit up on my elbows before I felt my body protesting from how sore and exhausted it was from the night before.

“No, babe, go back to sleep,” Harry whispered to me, even though it was just the two of us in the room. “I’m just going for a wee. I’ll be back in a minute.”

Relief spread through me and I closed my eyes again, slumping back down on Harry’s pillow and curling up under the covers. The door clicked shut behind me softly and I knew I was tired enough to fall asleep again, however, I couldn’t anymore. Memories of last night started coming back to me, waking me up slowly as my eyes started to adjust to the light coming through the blinds of the window.

Josh approaching me, Harry pulling through and defending me, bringing me up to his room, and the sex. God, the sex was so good, but a little off putting, too. I was so caught up in the moment and desperate for any attention Harry would give me after a long few days without him, I didn’t quite think of what would happen after. I knew that wasn’t smart because it wasn’t like us having sex was going to resolve everything; things weren’t going to be magically okay after all of that. I knew we had to talk and discuss what happened. I had to know how he was feeling about it all now. The sex was -- it was fantastic, but there was definitely something strange about it. Harry wasn’t completely himself and that only further proved why we needed to talk.

Once again, I pulled myself up, even if every inch of my body was begging me not to and climbed out of bed, trying to locate something to wear. My outfit from last night was a no go because when I picked it up off the floor, I saw it tore a little when Harry tried to practically rip it off of me. Eventually, I grabbed a t-shirt from Harry’s dresser and a pair of shorts. Harry walked back in just as I’d pulled everything on and wrapped my hair into a bun.

“Hey,” he said, closing the door behind him, eyes raking over me, standing there in his clothes. That always did get him going when I used to do it before, but doing it now, I wondered if I’d unknowingly crossed a boundary. I hated this -- hated how unsure I felt around him now.

“Hi,” I said, starting to feel something odd settle into my stomach. I scratched the back of my neck just to do something with my hands and crossed one leg over the other, not really sure what to do and it seemed Harry didn't either. He was leaning back against the door just like he had last night when we came up here, except it didn’t feel like this. Last night felt like hope. Right now, all I felt was scared.

And I didn’t necessarily have to be scared because Harry wasn’t going to do something like kick me out or anything. He wasn’t mean like that -- he’d never do that to me, but I didn’t know what was running through his mind and the silence felt almost suffocating. So much so, that I couldn’t bear to just stand there and not say anything, so I finally did.

“Harry…”

He looked up at me, his expression calm, but a little troubled. Harry finally stepped away from the door and gestured over to the bed where I followed him. We didn’t fall into it like last night, lips and limbs attached. We sat down at opposite ends staring at one another, not sure who should talk first. Not knowing what to do, I took to looking at Harry. Proper looking at him because I’d missed doing that so much.

Harry looked like home. He looked familiar and safe and like everything I’d ever wanted. Looking at him made me realize that he was one person I wouldn’t mind looking at for the rest of my life. Sure, his hair was stringy; wilting on the side from the quiff he had last night. His eyes were sunken with dark circles under them and his lips were chapped, bitten red, but I still wanted him as much as I would if he looked his best. Harry just looked tired, really, and I wished it were as easy as pulling him back into bed and letting him sleep with his head over my chest while I played with his hair. It wasn’t, though, not like it used to be when I could do just that if he didn’t get enough sleep or was sick.

“Did you sleep well?” I asked him then, growing tired of the silence.

Harry shook his head, a small laugh escaping his lips. “Couldn’t sleep at all, to be honest.”

“Why’s that?” I asked him softly.

“A lot on my mind. Too much on my mind.”

I considered that for a moment and it wasn’t surprising. There was a lot on my mind, too. There were things that we needed to talk about and I understood that. “You could tell me -- maybe it’ll help you feel better and relaxed.”

“Kind of have to tell you,” Harry said then with a tired sigh before looking up to meet my gaze. “We need to talk, B.”

“Ye-yeah, I know. I need to talk to you, too, Harry. I just wasn’t sure when to do it...I didn’t want to -- I don’t know -- overwhelm you. I wanted to give you time. I wanted to talk when you were ready.”

“I understand,” he said slowly. “I needed the time, to be honest. I was going to call you, actually, but then I saw you came last night.”

I smiled meekly and gave a shrug. “I wasn’t going to, but everyone told me to. I’m glad I did, though. I had fun and -- well it brought me here, didn’t it?”

Harry smiled at me, lips thin and stretched, too, but there was no happiness behind it. It almost looked sad and a little forced -- his dimples didn’t even sink in. “Last night was -- I got a little out of hand.”

“What do you mean?” I frowned.

Harry shrugged, running a hand through his hair and licking over his lips. “I just. I wasn’t in the mood to party, so I was sort of running in and out of my room. I went down a total of three times and only stayed for a minute before leaving again. I saw you and I saw that he was bothering you so.”

“I’m glad you did that,” I quickly told him. “I’m -- it meant a lot, Harry. He’s a fucking twat. I don’t know why Josh thought he could talk to me or that I’d even be nice to him after everything. I -- I needed you last night and you were there for me.”

“Of course, I was there for you. I’m always going to be here for you.”

I tried not to frown at his words because they were meant to be good, but it felt odd. Everything felt odd and I hated it. “So then, what’s on your mind?” I asked him.

Harry looked down at his lap, staring at the sheets beneath us instead of me. We both knew we had to talk about it, but it didn’t seem like Harry wanted to now, though he said he did. A part of me didn’t want to either because I thought things would get better and right now it didn’t feel like it was. It felt weird, but I still wanted to hold on to that thin piece of hope because it was all I had at that point. And if we truly loved each other, then it would work out because love survived everything. That’s what everyone said so it had to be true -- it had to be.

“I -- I don’t know what to do,” Harry said, his voice barely audible. “I don’t think I can do this.”

Tears started to well up in my eyes and my lips started to quiver -- what he said could have meant anything, but I couldn’t help it. There were so many things I wanted to say and ask about what he couldn’t do, but I didn’t know where to begin. I really wanted to have hope, but the more we talked, the more I felt there wasn’t anymore and I was just kidding myself. Was this it? Was it actually happening?

Harry looked up at me then when he noticed I wasn’t responding and didn’t look any better once he caught sight of me. “Blair,” he breathed out like he was choking. “I...you have to know that I’m trying to -- fuck, I don’t know. I’m trying...I tried, but I can’t.”

“What?” I asked him frantically. “What can’t you do?” I was openly crying by the time I said the last part and Harry’s face crumpled. He started to cry, too, his green, glassy eyes pooling tears of their own.

“I can’t be with you anymore,” he replied shakily, turning away from me so he wasn’t looking at me any longer. “I’ve thought about it all night and I -- I can’t do it. I can’t do it anymore.”

“Harry,” I breathed out shakily, moving closer to him because this couldn’t be happening. We weren’t supposed to end. That couldn’t happen -- that wasn’t what I wanted at all. I wanted Harry -- I wanted him to forgive me and find a way to look past this small bump on the road because I loved him -- that had to be enough. I loved him so much and he was the one. We weren’t meant to be breaking up.

Harry was visibly shaking by the time I got to him, my hands reaching out to take his, entwining our fingers. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered through his tears. “I’m so sorry, B. I’m so, so, sorry.”

“Don’t -- don’t say that, please. We can work through this. I promise you we can.”

“We can’t,” he shook his head. “I’ve thought about it for days and a lot last night. I tried so hard to look past everything and give us another chance, but I don’t think I can do this. I’m so sorry.”

“We can,” I cried, a bit loudly this time. “We can because I love you, Harry. I love you, so much, please.”

Harry squeezed my hands, looking at me almost helplessly with red-rimmed eyes. It was the saddest I’d ever seen him in the time I’d known him and I just never thought -- I never thought it’d actually come to this. There were times when the idea crossed my mind, but for it to actually happen was a whole other story because I wasn’t sure how I was meant to get through it. I couldn’t possibly move on from this. This couldn’t be happening.

“Please, Blair,” Harry breathed out, his thumbs coming up to wipe the tears from my face. “I don’t want to see you like this. I hate seeing you like this.”

I clutched onto his wrists where he held my face, not wanting him to let go and continued to cry because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know how else to react or what to say to convince him that he was supposed to be the one. I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life and I couldn’t believe I ruined it.

“You’re my best friend,” Harry started to say then. “I love you so much, B. You’re my best fucking friend and that’s why I can’t do this. I can’t let what happened ruin it because that would ruin me.”

“What do you mean?” I asked him frowning. “Ruin what?”

“I can’t let this ruin our friendship,” he explained. “I’ve thought about it so much and...I can forgive you for what happened with Josh, but I can’t forget it. I can’t forget the fact that you were with him and especially after our first fight. It got so out of control and everything just fucked up and I can’t forget it. I’ve tried so hard and I tried all of last night, but it scared me. It scared me that if this is how it’s going to be, then I don’t want to let it end up ruining us.”

“But you want to stop being with me. You want to end it. Won’t that ruin us?”

“No,” Harry shook his head. “We’re -- we were friends first, Blair. You mean so much to me and if being in a relationship leads us to getting into fights because we have trust issues, then I’d rather not be in a relationship. I’d rather not risk it if it means we get into fights and I end up resenting you.”

“Trust issues?” I frowned. “Harry -- I don’t -- I trust you. I trust you, Harry. I swear that was just -- it was nothing. I didn’t think you actually cheated on me.”

Harry shook his head at that, sad and slow like he knew I was bluffing. “If you didn’t think I was cheating on you then you would have never hooked up with Josh. And because of that -- I can’t seem to help but not trust you anymore, either.”

I was speechless, trying to find the right words to say and to make him believe that we didn’t have any problems because I was that desperate. He was right, though. I did have doubts and that was why I couldn’t properly confront him that day. It was why I tried to avoid my issues by getting drunk and trying to get back at him by doing the same. Now because of that, Harry couldn’t trust me anymore. I fucked it all up. I fucked everything up.

“This isn’t working,” Harry said to me quietly. “This isn’t what love is supposed to be. We’re not supposed to doubt each other or be with other people. These past few weeks have been so hard and its come to the point where you don’t just make me happy anymore...you make me so sad and angry.”

“Harry,” I said again, uselessly. I was still crying, shedding unabashed tears and feeling like there was a huge hole being punched through my chest. It felt hollow and so heavy at the same time that if it wasn’t for the fact that I could hear my heart beating in my ears, then I’d probably think that it wasn’t there at all.

“It’s true,” Harry said, wiping his eyes. “You make me so unbelievably happy, but these past few weeks, I’ve not felt that. I hated the way I behaved the day of the senior cookout...I hated how I was with you because I don’t like making you sad. I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to ruin how I feel about you.”

“Then what did last night mean?” I asked him. “Do you regret it?”

“No,” Harry responded fiercely. “No, no. You’re perfect and so amazing and I don’t regret it at all. I thought that it would help me realize things -- that maybe I could remember how it felt before all this, but it didn’t. I got angry and possessive and that’s not right. I felt awful being like that with you and I can’t do that anymore. I can’t feel all these negative things at once and start to resent you for it.”

“I don’t want you to hate me, either. I want to make you happy, Harry. I -- I didn’t want this or any of it to happen. I love you.”

“I really want to believe that,” Harry said through silent sobs. “Because I love you, too, but I can’t forget what happened with Josh. It’s always going to be there like some ugly stain that I’ve tried to somehow remove, but it’s not working.”

“I’ll do anything to make it work, though,” I said, practically begging. “You don’t know -- you don’t --.” I could barely speak through my tears because it felt like my throat was sealing up and Harry looked absolutely devastated. I’d never thought that after everything we’d been through that it could ever come down to this -- the two of us sobbing on his bed while he told me that even though he loved me and I loved him, it still wasn’t enough. “You don’t know how much you mean to me, Harry,” I was finally able to say. “You’re the best -- best everything. You’re everything.”

“And you’re mine,” he said like it was a promise, barely able to speak himself. “That’s why I can’t lose you. I’ve seen my parents fight and they were each other’s best friends and they didn’t make it. I don’t want that to happen with you. I don’t want to make the same mistakes.”

“We don’t have to make the same mistakes,” I said to him. “That was one fight -- couples fight --.”

“-- but like that?” Harry interrupted me. “Did you see how out of control it got -- everything that happened after? You know it’s not that easy and I’d rather not risk it.”

I slumped back where I was sat, leaning back on the wall and closed my eyes, letting more tears slowly roll down my cheeks. It almost felt like defeat because I didn’t know what else to say to make Harry believe. “I know what you’re saying,” I said at last, sighing, “but I don’t want to not be with you -- I’m not done loving you, Harry. You don’t believe me, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be done.”

Harry looked pained, like he was fighting several internal battles within himself. Finally, he gathered himself, moving forward so that he was closer to me. “It’s not easy for me and I haven’t stopped loving you, either. I meant it...you mean so much to me and I am so fucking sad. I wanted to work this out, I really did, and I wanted it to be you so badly, B.” Harry started to cry really hard again, his breathing coming out shallow and his cheeks turning blotchy red, which only made me cry harder because I never wanted that. I never wanted this -- I never wanted to see him hurt. “I wanted it to be us forever.”

I crumpled into another wave of tears, turning to burrow my face in his neck. Harry’s arm came to wrap around me and pulled me into a proper hug. The two of us drowned in our tears after that; the only sounds that could be heard in that room were our quiet sobs and the I’m sorry’s spilling out of our mouths.

And the thing was...I’d had my heart broken a few times before by several boys, but never had it brought me down like this to the point where I wondered if I’d ever be able to accept it or move on from it. The reason being was because Harry had become so integral to my everyday life that I’d completely forgotten how life was before without him. I’d completely forgotten what to be or what to do without him around. He’d built himself a home in my heart and left his fingerprints on every aspect of my life. And one of the worst parts about heartbreak was that you didn’t really know how you felt before it all happened.

When we eventually pulled away, I wasn’t sure what to do. My mind was still stuck trying to grasp the fact that Harry and I were broken up. It didn’t make it easier that he was sitting right there, looking at me with sad eyes, so I decided that I needed to go. I would have stayed had the things I’d tried to tell Harry convinced him to give me another chance, but they didn’t. Harry’s mind was made up and nothing I was going to say would change it nor save us from this fallout.

“I need to go home,” I said, rubbing a tired hand across my face. “I -- I have to go.”

Harry nodded a few times quickly, like he was willing to do anything to help me. “Yeah, yeah sure. I’ll take you.”

“No,” I immediately replied, eyes wide and paranoid. “No, I’ll go.”

“I’m taking you home,” he said, eyes pleaded. “Please let me take you home. I can’t let you go alone.”

I turned a bit more towards Harry then, reaching my hand out to softly wipe away a tear and caress his cheek. This was the last time I would touch his face, sitting in this bed with him after spending the night together, so I soaked it all in. The messy sheets, left from our sleep, Harry’s scent potent within the room, and the sight of his red-rimmed eyes, tears staining his skin. Not being able to face him anymore, I slowly turned away, getting up off the bed and starting to grab my things.

“Blair,” Harry whispered. “You can’t just go alone. I won’t let you.”

I sighed, moving some of the hair out of my face before properly saying, “Well, now you have to.”

Harry seemed to be left speechless after that, not able to argue back, and so I finished grabbing all my things and quietly walked out of his room. It felt strange to think this would be the very last time. As I made my way downstairs, I was only met with silence, except for the sound of running water in the kitchen. Everyone else must still be asleep considering they probably went hard since it was the last proper party of the year.

During the walk home, I refrained from breaking into tears in the middle of the street, and composed myself as much as possible. I couldn’t help but wonder what Harry was doing -- what he did when I left. I believed him when he said that this wasn’t any easier for him. No one ever said it was easy or simple and I wasn’t the only one hurting. He was trying to work through this just like I was because none of us thought it was going to end this way.

At least I didn’t. I spent a better part of the year with Harry; going on those coffee runs with him, laughing, smiling and falling in love with him in that passenger seat. It was a shame to think that this was how it was meant to be. Thinking of all that just got me crying again and I once again climbed up the stairs of my apartment with tears in my eyes.

By the time I got to the top, I was sobbing again, heaving and choking on tears as I tried to unlock the door, however, it unlocked before I could. Liv stood on the other side, looking at me with wide, concerned eyes.

“I heard you crying,” she said. “Blair, what happened?”

I pulled her into a hug instead of answering, clutching onto her tiny frame because I felt like the air was being ripped out of me. Liv was alarmed to say the least, continuously asking me what happened while rubbing my back and trying to hold me up. The saddest part was, I couldn’t even speak because I felt like my throat was closing up and all I could do was cry. And a part of me wondered if the reason I couldn’t actually answer was because I couldn't say it out loud.

Liv managed to pull me inside, still trying to frantically ask me what had happened, but all I could do was crumple to the ground. Liv placed herself beside me, her arms wrapped tight around me, tears filling her own eyes.

“I thought I was done being hurt like this, Liv,” I whispered to her, voice completely shot. “I thought I wasn’t going to let someone break me like this.”

“What do you mean?” she asked me quietly.

“What always happens,” I replied. “Harry doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He ended it with me because he said it wasn’t working out and I should be used to it by now because people are people. And sometimes they change their minds, but it hurts, Liv. I thought I was done being hurt.”

Liv looked at me for a long moment like she could hardly believe it. “I’m so sorry,” she said, tears flowing down her own cheeks. “I’m so sorry, babe.” She pulled me into another hug, rubbing my back to soothe me, whispering things to me to make me feel better, but all I could hear was the deafening sound of my beating heart, and wondering how it was still there.



I slowly walked out of Huxley Building, taking in the quiet, sunny atmosphere of the campus, after having just taken my last final for the semester -- well, forever, actually. It was strange to think that I wasn’t going to be cramming late night anymore for papers or exams. I was no longer a student, completely done with school and the funniest part was that I was so fucking relieved. Relieved because I’d been waiting for this moment for a long time and it was so anticipated and built up, that now that it was finally here, I felt like I could breathe and just get it over with. However, that same relieved feeling was slightly intermingled with the sinking feeling in my stomach that hadn’t stopped since I’d last spoken with Harry.

We hadn’t talked since he’d ended things between us and this time, I finally had an answer as to why. Since everything had gone down, I’d been living in a constant state of uncertainty. I wasn’t sure where he and I stood; I wasn’t sure what to do about graduation and how quickly it was approaching, which was really stressful. Now that everything was done and I had answers for it all, I felt relieved, even if I was sad. Being relieved didn’t mean the pain went away and that was to be expected because you didn’t just stop loving someone because the two of you broke up. You continued to love them and you continued to feel empty because they were no longer yours, despite all your expectations.

It wasn’t as easy at first to finally come to terms with that, though. That first day was almost unbearable, where it felt like I was waking up from a bad dream, and the following two days, I’d stayed in bed the entire time. I kept thinking about how much I wanted to rewind time and relive everything Harry and I’d done together and all the things we experienced. It had all been going so good that I was completely blindsided when it started to go downhill. I would do anything to go back in time and fix all my mistakes. I’d give anything to make Harry stay and kept wondering if there was anything more that I could have said that would erase the memories of what I’d done from Harry’s mind.

It was a constant loop of that for two excruciating days until I realized I couldn’t keep doing that anymore. I couldn’t stay in bed and wish that time would turn back around or slow the fuck down because it didn’t work like that. I had to keep going. That was how you moved on -- you kept going.

I got back to revising for my finals and once finals week approached, I took them all in stride, despite how I felt. It almost seemed like I was working on autopilot, only going because I was so determined to not let this tear me down as much as it was. It didn’t matter that my chest felt hollow or that there were nights where I’d cry to the point where I couldn’t breathe because I had to. I had to learn how to live and accept with how things were between Harry and me -- I had to keep going.

As I walked past Queen’s Lawn, heading back home to sleep for a few hours or days -- I hadn’t decided yet, I heard someone shouting my name. I peered through the sun and looked around to see who it was only to be met with Niall waving at me. He was sprawled out on the grass with his sunglasses on sunbathing with everyone else. For a moment I froze, not really sure what I was expected to do because I didn’t want to go over since no one bothered to let me know that we were hanging out. It made sense when I spotted Harry sat there, actively trying to not look over at me.

I had half a mind to keep walking, but I couldn’t ignore them. Maybe I could go over and make an excuse to leave or something. I gathered myself as I walked over, trying to pull it together and hoped I didn’t look as messy as I felt. How many of them knew that we’d broken up? Did they all know? By the time I got to them, they all smiled up at me, including Harry, even though his looked a little weak.

“Hey,” Liv said, gesturing for me to sit in the spot next to her. “How was your last final?”

“Good, I think. Feels weird being done,” I replied, eventually sitting down.

“Tell me about it,” Liam said. “During my last one, I literally couldn’t find it in me to care and just finished half the exam and left.”

“I did that for one of my finals, too,” Niall said, bumping fists with Liam like it was something to be proud about.

Zoe and Liv rolled their eyes at the boys, giggling between themselves. I gave them a small smile and only then met Harry’s eyes when I spotted him looking over at me. He looked -- concerned, to say the least, but I didn’t want to make it any more than what it had to be. We were friends now -- just friends. It was strange, though, to think that there was a time when the two of us would gravitate to one another no matter where we were. And now there was an awkward strain in the air, like we were strangers again. After all that happened, we were just strangers who shared some intense memories.

“So, what are the plans for tonight?” Niall asked the group at large, breaking my train of thought.

“Don’t know, yet,” Liv said. “We have to do something, though, since it’s the last day of school. What about you boys?”

“Senior send off at the frat,” Liam replied. “We’re doing a BBQ and getting a slip and slide. It’s gonna be proper sick.”

“Don’t forget the copious amount of alcohol,” Niall reminded him.

“Can’t forget that,” Louis laughed. “Gonna be a proper lads night.”

The boys all grinned at each other, fist bumping and yet I noticed how Harry’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.



That night, the warm, humid air stuck to our skin as the girls and I walked to the campus bar then followed us inside because it was twice as hot in the bar. The place was packed to the brim with students, most likely seniors, who were celebrating the last day of school and finals like us. Everyone’s body heat was meshing together and making it feel almost like a sauna, despite the few fans set up around the place. Nevertheless, Liv, Dylan, Zoe and I pushed through the crowds until we were able to find a small enough space by the bar top to fit the four of us.

Once we each ordered a pint, Zoe turned to look at us with a sad sort of smile on her face. “Guys,” she said. “We’re graduating this week. Like, we’re no longer students.”

“I know,” Liv said with a little pout. “I can’t believe four years have come and gone and now we’re about to leave. I remember my first day here like it was just the other day -- I remember Blair’s first day like it was yesterday.”

I laughed softly thinking back to my first week here, too. I moved in before we started term and I remembered being so stressed the entire time while packing and then bringing all my things to Liv’s place because I didn’t want to forget anything and be unprepared. I remembered the fun fair where we’d met the boys and Zoe. I remembered getting to know them at that first mixer party and finding myself stumbling into Harry’s room with the lights off and having our first proper conversation together by his bay window. I remembered when Harry texted me after I tweeted out about my paper asking me to go for coffee with him that very first time.

It really did feel like yesterday. It didn’t feel like days, weeks and months had passed since those moments because it all felt so close -- as though time literally ran out on us. This was initially what I wanted. I should be happy, but I found I wasn’t as much as I’d have liked to be.

It just felt like so much had started, grown and then ended within this one year. I always said that life threw curveballs at you, because there were a few thrown my way before, but I just thought I’d be prepared or at least aware it was happening. When I started going here, I was confident and so sure that I had done all the growing up I needed to -- that I had nothing left to learn because I’d experienced it all. I thought this year would be a breeze, really.

It wasn’t a breeze.

Funny how that worked.

If someone had told me a year ago that I’d end up finding a best mate, who I would end up falling so deeply in love with, only to not have him in the end, then I wasn’t sure I’d believe them. I’d say I was too smart to do things like that anymore -- that it wasn’t me. However, it wasn’t about being smart or cautious or any of that because when it happened it happened. Love never gave you a warning -- it just fucking happened. And there wasn’t a part of me that regretted it -- even now when I felt like my heart was sunken to the pit of my stomach permanently. Getting to know Harry and falling in love with him was such a privilege and some of the best days of my life. Despite how it ended, I knew those memories were going to stay with me forever.

I used to be naive to think all those things before, but now I knew that when you’re growing up, you’re going to always be learning. It’s never going to stop, even if you’re supposed to be a proper adult and I was never going to have everything totally figured out because I was probably going to be thrown something later in life that changed my perspective. It was both a blessing and a curse about life, I supposed. Now the only thing I could do was look forward to the future because Harry broke up with me, and that was okay, because I had to respect what he wanted. I wasn’t over it yet, nor would I be completely healed for a while, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t accept it. Time wasn’t going to stop just because I was so sad and heartbroken. It was going to keep going and we were going to graduate and start a completely new chapter in life. I had to be ready and to look forward it all.

Our pints arrived and Liv picked hers up, raising it in the air. “Here’s to us getting through another year and graduating,” she smiled.

“And to us becoming proper adults, who don’t go to school anymore,” Zoe added.

“Speak for yourself. I’ve still got Law School,” Liv groaned, making Dylan giggle and kiss her cheek.

I smiled at the two fondly before saying, “Here’s to us moving forward.”

The three of them smiled at me and it wasn’t pity in their eyes, despite knowing the context behind my words or the fact that I was hurting inside. It was more like they believed that I could get through it.

“Cheers,” Dylan said to that. The four of us joined our pints together before taking a long sip.

The night sort of went on like that. We got through our pints while remembering random funny moments throughout the year, which actually caused me to genuinely laugh. Once the second and third rounds came about, I was feeling a lot lighter and better, my laughs getting louder and happier. We saw people we knew from our classes or from parties and we chatted with them. The uncomfortable heat in the room didn’t matter anymore and it was just a really good time -- it felt like the proper way to end off the year.

When we were about to order our fourth round, the doors to the bar opened with loud cheers and shouts following it. Everyone turned to look and make room as the Theta Chi boys marched in, ranging from very drunk to completely plastered.

“I didn’t know they were coming,” Zoe commented, turning to look as well, probably seeking out Zayn.

“It was their senior send off day, wasn’t it?” Dylan asked. “I heard after they party at their frat house all day, they do a pub crawl that goes on all night.”

“They’re already so smashed,” Liv said, finishing her pint. “How much longer can they go?”

It was true. The boys were all red faced and loud, making the bar busier than it already was. I tried to not actively seek Harry out like I’d been so used to doing and instead stared down at the bar top. I wasn’t sure what it’d do for my mood if I saw him right now. I knew the two of us were going to be friends, but this afternoon was hard enough with neither of us talking to each other. I didn’t want to see him again so soon -- at least not when it was finally starting to not feel painfully numb or sharp.

I turned to the bartender and ordered another round for us, trying to keep the good vibes going and not let myself get upset. However, soon after Zayn gravitated towards Zoe, which automatically meant the other boys were close. I tried to keep my expression and posture composed, seeming unbothered and unaffected as a head full of chocolate brown curls came into sight.

“Wey hey,” Niall shouted, running over to us.

“Our favorite girls,” Louis shouted after him. “Didn’t expect to see you lot here.”

“We decided to celebrate, too,” Liv told him before wrinkling her nose as Louis hugged her. “You boys reek.”

“I know,” Louis replied. “It’s a mixture of alcohol, weed and boy.”

“Thank God I like girls,” Dylan piped up, causing everyone to burst into giggles, especially Harry, who was falling over Liam behind everyone. He looked so out of it, his eyes dilated and dark, while his face was all flushed down to his neck.

It sort of reminded me of how drunk he was at the senior cookout, but he wasn’t running away this time. We’d talked things out since then, but he also wasn’t mine anymore. Things changed so quickly -- how did everything change so quickly? How did we go from being strangers to best friends to friends with benefits to lovers to exes within a year? The thought of it made my eyes sting with tears and I suddenly felt so unbelievably sad.

I didn’t realize that I was staring at him until his gaze met mine. It was soft and slow, but it snapped me out of it right away, prompting me to look away while sipping on my fresh beer. The bar got louder with the boys’ arrival, music playing louder, more conversation around us, but I could still hear my heart thumping in my chest.

Even after I’d looked away, I could still feel Harry’s eyes on me. I could see him push past everyone else to get to where I was, only to stand behind me. My nose was instantly hit with the smell of weed and vodka and cheap beer; not at all like Harry. A part of me wanted to move away because he was so close, his body heat was emanating off of him, but another part of me only wanted to push back closer because it was still Harry and I still wanted him and loved him.

So, I stayed put, mouth drying up despite drinking. Harry wasn’t saying or doing anything -- just standing there, but then I felt him move closer until his entire front was pressed up against my back. My lips parted softly in surprise as I felt Harry’s arms snake around my waist from behind. His palms splayed out across my stomach underneath my shirt while he pulled me back so that I was leaning my weight on him.

“Hi,” he whispered in my ear.

It was strange, but so Harry that I shouldn’t be surprised. He’d do things like this when we were together, but it didn’t make sense that he was doing it now when he broke up with me a few days ago. Was this a part of being just friends? I was confused and a little drunk. I didn’t respond to him, but I also didn’t move away. Instead I focused on everyone else. No one seemed to be noticing us, too absorbed in the conversation they were all having. Maybe they forgot that Harry and I weren’t supposed to be this close -- maybe Harry in his drunken state didn’t remember either. I almost wanted someone to remind us, but feeling Harry hold me felt like it was more important than facing reality -- like I could pretend for a moment that we were still together.  

“I’m so fucked up,” Harry whispered against my ear, lips wet and soft, with a laugh. “Blair, I’m so fucked up and sad. I’m not ready to leave.” I frowned feeling something heavy come with his words as Harry continued. “Wish it wasn’t ending.”

I had no idea what he was referring to. I didn’t know if his words held double meaning, but I knew it was bad what he was doing. Harry was high and drunk, too, he didn’t know what he was doing, so I started to gently pry his fingers off of me. He resisted a little before letting me go. I only then noticed that Liv was looking at us with a sort of panicked expression. I returned it and she smiled brightly.

“Hey, Blair,” she said a bit loudly. “Want to go request a song? I know you’re dying to dance to that Ellie Goulding tune.”

I nodded my head far too eagerly as she grabbed my hand and led me out of there. I could hear Niall saying, “I’d fuck Ellie Goulding, but don’t tell Layla I said that,” as we walked out of there. Liv turned to look at me, her blue eyes wide and imploring.

“What happened?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I cried, running a hand through my hair and feeling frustrated and confused. “He just touched me and he was like hugging me and telling me things. I don’t know.”

Liv looked helpless. “I’m sorry,” she said.

“You didn’t do anything,” I reminded her. “I don’t believe he’s really thinking straight right now.”

“He isn’t,” Liv agreed. “It’s wrong of him to put you in a position like that. Just -- stay away from him, okay?”

I nodded, taking a deep breath. “Yeah, I will.”

Liv gave me a soft smile before pulling me into a bone-crushing hug. “I’m so proud of you. You’re so fucking strong, babe.”

“Liv,” I cooed, my eyes starting to sting again. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. I believe in you so much, Blair. Strongest girl I know.”

Her words did enough to lift me up a bit. It felt nice knowing that someone believed in me even when it seemed like I couldn’t because I felt so down. We did end up turning on some music and dancing to it in the cramped, hot space. Liv was doing her best to get my mind off of it and I couldn’t be more grateful. The others eventually joined us and it was fun. Harry stayed close, his eyes wavering over to me every so often, but not making any effort to do anything more. I couldn’t tell if I hated that or appreciated it.

When the air and the heat started to become almost unbearable, we decided to leave. I was grinning as we stumbled out of the bar, the night breeze feeling good on our sweaty skin. I ended up having a few more drinks afterwards and there was a nice buzz going on in my body, making me feel really good. Once outside, though, no one made a move to go anywhere. We all sort of just stood around outside, laughing about stupid things.

I felt Harry’s eyes on me before I saw him. He walked away from Louis and Liam, finding his way over to me, this time standing in front of me as he wrapped an arm around my waist. “Why are you ignoring me?” he asked, slurring his words as he buried his face in my neck.

“I’m not ignoring you,” I said confidently, despite the shakiness in my voice.

“You are,” Harry whined, his voice deep and slow. “I know when you’re ignoring me.”

He wasn’t being super serious -- his tone was teasing and light, but there was a trace of actual concern in there, too. Harry’s arms pulled me close to him before he started walking us backwards towards the brick wall of the bar.

“Harry -- what are you even do--.”

“You’re ignoring me,” he repeated, head bent so that he could lock our gazes.

I stared back at Harry, unable to form a proper response when he was this close. His hands slowly let my waist go before taking my hands in his, entwining our fingers, and then raising them over my head and pinning them against the wall. Harry’s face hovered inches away from mine, his hot breath fanning over my lips as he moved to close the distance. I half expected him to just kiss me when his eyes fluttered shut, but he didn’t. His lips ghosted over mine, nudging and nuzzling his nose against mine like even he didn’t know what he wanted to do. It was like he was testing not only me, but himself, as well, just to see how much we could resist one another -- how far he could go by teasing me like this.

“You’re beautiful,” Harry whispered, his wet lips touching mine briefly while his eyes remained shut.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was so in love with him.

“Harry!” one of the boys shouted. This prompted Harry to slowly open his eyes; his eyes boring into mine before he finally let go of my hands and moved away. It suddenly felt too cold.

Harry made his way back to his friends and I could see Liv staring at me with concern in her eyes, but I didn’t see the point. It all felt hopeless. Harry broke up with me because he wanted to be friends -- because he thought being together could potentially ruin our friendship and he couldn’t have that. But how do you go back to being just friends when you’ve fallen in love with each other?

The answer was you really couldn’t.