Hospital Beds and Memories

“Not tell Jack what?” Jack stood in the doorway looking in between us.

Zack looked like a deer caught in headlights, his eyes were wide and his body was frozen. “Nothing. What are you doing here, anyway?”

“Oh, come on,” I rolled my eyes and took my legs from his lap, knowing it was now making him very uncomfortable, “why can’t he know?”

“Why can’t I know what?” Jack urged, his patience already wearing thin. He took a step closer to me and Zack and he looked pretty terrifying.

I sighed and wanted to tell him, there was no reason for him to not know. “Well, I just remembered--”

Zack reached over and slapped his hand over my mouth before I could say anything. This was all really weird. Everything I remembered, I made sure to tell Jack; he basically knew me as well as I knew myself. And the move Zack made totally wasn’t the right move, because, boy, did Jack look mad. This was only going to turn into a very messy situation if things were going to keep going like this.

“Dude, get off of her!” Jack grabbed Zack’s arm and pulled it away from me. He was prepared to fight the much buffer and muscled guy, even though there was no way he was going to win. And to be honest, I did not like the idea of it at all, nor the idea of these guys fighting over me--in a different way than most girls were fought over, but still.

I grabbed the throw blanket that was next to me, and hid underneath it. After pulling it over my head, I made sure to fold my limbs so they were tucked away. I was basically a living blanket, just like when I was much younger. It was the thing I always did as a child when I just wanted to disappear and stop whatever was going on around me.

“What the fuck?” Jack tried to stay serious, but couldn’t help but chuckle at what I was doing.

“Nope,” I shouted and shook my head, even though all I could see was black. Oxygen was running out pretty quickly, and I could see faint shapes of where things were. It probably looked really weird from the outside, but I felt good in here.

When nobody was talking and moving anymore--I assumed they were just staring at me--I quickly poked my head out. “Zack was my first kiss!” I hid again before shit was going to go down.

“What!” Jack said a lot louder than he probably intended to, “oh my god. No fucking way!”

Zack just awkwardly cleared his throat and shifted his position while Jack continued, “I remember you wouldn’t shut up about a girl who you gave her her first kiss to! That was her! And you didn’t think to tell me at all? She’s been here for a couple of days, it must have occurred to you at least once! You guys are way too close to each other! I don’t like it.”

Jack didn’t seem too mad, but I didn’t like this either. They were best friends, I didn’t want them to fight, especially about me. Sure, Zack could have told Jack, but was it really that important? I mean, I didn’t remember until a couple of minutes ago, so it didn’t really have any significance. And Jack didn't have to be so defensive; I wasn’t going to leave him, so why would he freak out so much?

“Jack!” I threw the blanket off me, getting his attention, “It seriously doesn’t matter--”

Jack interrupted me, “doesn’t matter? Doesn’t matter! Of course it matters!”

I raised an eyebrow at him, causing him to suddenly realise he was shouting at me. “Let me finish. I don’t remember a thing about kissing him; I remember stuff up to it, but that’s all. For all I know, you are my first real kiss, and, boy, do I remember everything about that. And, anyway, it’s not like I fucked him, or something.”

This was probably all so awkward for Zack. He was just sitting there, being quiet and watching things unfold. I didn’t know if he wanted to stay or leave, but he probably felt pretty uncomfortable. But what Jack said afterward, most likely made everything a whole lot worse.

“Do you want to fuck him?” Jack asked me with a hint of worry in his voice.

Ok, what the fuck. Why would Jack even think that? Of course I didn’t want to sleep with Zack! I wouldn’t want to sleep with anybody but Jack. Was he really that afraid of losing me? Or was he just assuming things way too easily? Jack just needed to calm down and trust me, I obviously trusted him.

“No!” I said without hesitation, “you know that.”

“Do I?” Now it was Jack’s turn to raise his eyebrows up at me. He was actually wondering what I meant and he wasn’t that mad anymore.

“Yes…” I looked around, not wanting to talk about this. I honestly thought he knew, “can I have the blanket to hide again?”

“Ok, I’m going to go,” Zack stood up and started walking out. “I feel like you guys need to talk for a bit.” He pressed the button to close the sliding door after he had stepped into the bunk area.

I looked up at Jack through my eyelashes. Wasn’t he just able to figure it out? Wasn’t it obvious? I thought it was; at least he could have figured it out. But I really thought I had told him… hadn’t I? Well, it was something I had been denying for a bit, except when I thought about it for the first time…

“Well?” Jack sat down next to me and waited for an answer.

“I’m pretty sure I told you.” I nodded, hoping he would just act like he knew and leave it be.

“If you would have told me, I would know what you were talking about.”

“Ok, fine,” I sighed and fumbled with my fingers, “it’s just- I don’t know…”

He held one of my hands and ran his thumb over my knuckles. “You don’t know what?”

“I don’t know how to say it without confusing you. You probably already sort of know, though…”

“So, just tell me and I will ask questions after you are finished if I’m confused,” he encouraged and gave me a smile.

“Ok, so, umm,” I thought of the right words, confessing this to him would also be confessing it to myself, “I don’t know how to say it…. Well, I always said that I would forever stay single, which I obviously am not anymore,” I chuckled, “and I always said that my reasoning was because I just didn’t really care, but I think I know the reason now; the reason why I also never really considered liking you before the whole thing went down,” I looked up at Jack to see if he was still listening, and he definitely was, “so, I think it’s because I just don’t like other people that way. Like, you are able to look at other girls and think ‘oh, she’s hot, I would bang her’, but I just don’t think stuff like that. I guess that-- yeah… I don’t think I’m asexual, but I’m definitely not like you.”

After I finished I inspected Jack’s face. He was frowning slightly while trying to process what I was saying and what to make out of it. His eyes dashed around the room until they finally rested back on me. We made eye contact for a while, and I was afraid he wasn’t going to say anything anymore. After licking his lips, he finally opened his mouth.

“So, I think I get it,” he nodded and thought for a bit longer, “but does this mean you don’t actually have feelings for me, or don’t actually feel attracted to me. Because if that is true, I’d like to know now, I’ll understand.”

I shook my head and grinned at him, “that’s what’s even more confusing about it. Because I truly do love you, and not in the same way I love my brother or parents, but the relationship-love way. And yes, I am definitely attracted to you. Without that, I wouldn’t have let you take my virginity.”

“Ok, and you don’t ever think another person is attractive, other than me…?”

“Sure, I might think ‘hey, that guy is pretty good looking', but I wouldn’t think ‘oh my god, look at him. He’s so hot! Woah. He must notice me’. So, that’s why you shouldn’t worry about me being around other guys. They might think stuff like that about me, but I don’t think that about them,” I elaborated.

“Ok, that makes sense,” Jack showed understanding. “Can I ask you one more question? and then I really want to kiss you.”

I nodded and laughed and Jack’s straightforwardness. At least he didn’t suddenly not like me anymore. I wasn’t any different than what I was before I actually said it out loud. This was pretty big for me to realize and actually have Jack with me while I accepted it.

“Since when have you felt this way?” He sat up straighter and put his leg over the other in figure four.

I shrugged. “Before I met you, I considered it, but I just sort of ignored it… until now…”

“Now as in literally now?”

“You said one more question,” I cupped both his cheeks, “but yes.”

I closed the space between us, so our lips were lightly touching. This kiss was for me to reassure Jack that I did love him with all my heart. I wasn’t going to show it through passion, rather more through being careful and gentle. This new fact about me was new for both of us, but I wanted things between us to stay the same, except maybe a bit more trust from Jack’s side.

Jack shuffled closer and pulled me towards him by hooking his arm around my waist. He felt exactly the same way as I did. We were going to get through this. There were so many stories about people breaking up for these reasons.

But, Jack and I were strong.