Hospital Beds and Memories

There was a small shake trying to wake me from my peaceful slumber. This was the best I had slept in a while… but that might also have been because Jack had managed to tire me out quite well. I was actually pretty surprised that I had fallen asleep so quickly on his chest. Nowadays, it took me quite some time to get comfortable. I guess being naked with my boyfriend was the most comfortable my body could get, which seemed pretty weird to me, but completely made sense on the other hand.

But since this was my first night not waking up feeling like all hell was breaking loose, I didn’t want to get up yet. Every single night, I had woken up at least once, having to throw up until there was nothing left in my stomach. This one time I hadn’t woken up once, but somebody else was trying to get me to. All I wanted was one good night’s rest; to sleep through the entire night without having any complications. Just one night was what I was asking for! That was all I wanted, nothing more, nothing less. Was it really so much to ask for?

Wait… maybe I hadn’t been asleep for that long yet. It might have only been about half an hour or even less! Sleeping always causes a messed up sense of time. But it felt like it had been quite some time. However, it happened before. I thought I had actually slept for hours before I had to run to the bathroom that one night, but it turned out to be only 15 minutes. So… maybe everything I said before didn’t even fit.

Still, I didn’t feel sick, and I was still tired. So, I didn’t want to wake up yet. The bed was nice and warm, the duvet covering my body in a comforting embrace. I actually felt like I hadn’t been as comfortable as this before. Surprisingly, I was able to lie on my stomach, my boobs not getting in the way for once. The pillow formed around my face in a subtle way, and I could feel myself sinking away in the mattress. It just felt to soft to touch, the duvet not adding any weight.

My eyes were threatening to flutter open, the shaking still happening at regular intervals. This person was really determined to wake me up, but at the same time they weren’t too desperate. The nudges were small and delicate, not at all harsh and urgent. So, the person probably didn’t think I was dead, or otherwise I would have been nearly thrown to the other side of the bed

Other side of the bed… it was pretty empty… I was no longer sleeping on top of Jack, but he also wasn’t beside me anymore. When did this happen? How didn’t I wake up? I mean, I must have been asleep on top of Jack before he got out of bed. Right? He must have really carefully placed me beside him, having been able to move me away without waking me. Or was I already on my own side? It also could have been very possible. While Jack and I were always all over the place in the beginning of our friendship and relationship, we had managed to stay more on our own side of the bed now. It was probably because we actually had a side of the bed at this stage. Before, we just slept wherever. It was just more controlled now, I guess. I still liked cuddling with Jack the most, though.

“Baby, wake up,” the person now started quietly talking as well. You probably already guessed it, it was Jack. Of course it was! I mean, who else would it be? I had chemo brain, so don’t judge me. Things that were supposed to be very simple just seemed to be so confusing and puzzling for me. I was lost in my thoughts, overthinking things and thinking about stuff weirdly more frequently than I was not.

But, with the confirmation that it was Jack, I actually decided to let my eyes have their way and slowly open to be met with Jack fully clothed, sitting on the edge of the bed. He smiled when he finally got me to show signs of life, stroking away the hair of my face. I leaned into the slow touch slightly, but not enough to lift my head off the bed. His fingers felt warm against my cold tired skin. I was definitely going to miss that.

“I’ve got to go now,” he told me in a whisper as if he didn’t want to wake me too much. It was funny how people did that. If the environment around them was quiet, they automatically started whispering. And that’s exactly what I meant with chemo brain. Most people said it affected their memories, but I obviously already had that problem, so it affected me a bit differently. And there we go again, me going completely off topic.

“No,” I whined, moving my head on top his lap and wrapping my arms around his torso. He let out a small chuckle, running his fingers from my long locks one last time. His shirt rode up slightly from my arms bunching up the fabric in the back. I moved closer and kissed his side, trying to lure him back into bed with me.

“Trust me, I wish I could stay here with you,” he mumbled and gently let his knuckles stroke my cheek.

“I’ll miss you.”

Jack didn’t have to answer to that. I felt a warm drop of liquid fall just next to my nose. But it wasn’t my tear… it was Jack’s. I looked up at his face this time. His eyes were watery, more tears on the verge of free falling. Instead of trying to keep him trapped here, I let one of my hands run through the side of his hair instead. I didn’t want him crying.

He got off the bed and kneeled beside it instead, so we were now at each other’s eye level. Everything about him looked even sadder from this angle. Not only were they watery, but the spark inside his eyes was dull and heartbroken. We just stayed there for a while, looking at each other. His lip trembled fairly, causing him to try and keep it steady by biting it. More tears started falling.

“I’m going to miss you so so much, ok? I love you with all my heart, and nothing will get in the way of that. Just remember that. Whatever happens. I’m going to be thinking about you all the time. With just one call, I’ll hop onto the plane and get right back here, no matter what the circumstances. Just remember all that. I love you so much,” he stopped for a second, allowing a sound he was desperately trying to hold back, escape, “I’m so sorry.”

He kissed me one last time. Letting all his feelings through it in one go: pain, love, sorrow, and hope.

---

There was another shaking. My mind immediately went to it being Jack. But no. That wasn’t possible. He already left. He was on a plane by now, making his way all the way to the other side on the country. It wouldn’t be for another three months before I would be able to actually see him in person. There wasn’t going to be me visiting this time. I just couldn’t do it. Chemo was too important for that. There was never a time for it, and Jack never had extended days off, at most they were only one day. It was just going to be seeing each other through a computer screen for all that time instead. But, hey, I shouldn’t have been complaining. There used to be a time when that wasn’t even possible.

“Hey, Ireland,” the new person said, “Jack said to wake you if you didn’t get yourself up before 12.”

Yeah. That was a thing. Although I needed a lot of rest, it was also important for me to keep a normal-ish sleeping schedual. So, the doctor said to start small and always make sure I was at least up by 12. That way I’d still have a partial day to do things and not feel like I was wasting time away. It had been Jack’s job for weeks, but now it was his mom’s.

I stretched out a little, extending my arms against the headboard and making my toes point, before realising I was completely naked underneath these covers. One wrong move and Joyce would see everything. Nope, I was not letting that happen. That was only for her youngest son to see, nobody else.

Instead of rolling over, I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at her, “thanks. I’ll, umm, be right down.”

“Ok,” she gave me a similar smile to the one Jack always gave me, “do you need any help?”

My eyes went slightly wide as I shook my head, “no, no, no, that’s completely fine. You can go back to what you were doing before. I’m sure Jack has already told you that you shouldn’t hesitate to do anything and just act like you're at home.”

“Yes, yes, he has,” she nodded before standing up straight again, “I’ll see you in a bit then.”

With that she walked out of the bedroom, softly closing the door behind her. As much as I wanted to close my eyes again and fall asleep, I knew I couldn’t. Doctor’s orders. I actually got out of bed this time, throwing the covers off me in one go. I immediately shivered, no longer being protected by the warm cloth.

Everything already seemed so different without Jack here. It was a whole lot quieter now than it was with him somewhere in the house. He didn’t even have to make a noise, but the place just felt so much emptier. And I didn’t really like it. It was like there was a big part missing; like there was a large hole somewhere in the house. Also, the closet was very empty. Half of his clothes were gone along with the suitcases that were at the bottom.

Speaking of which. The closet. On one of the hangers on Jack’s open side, there was a yellow post-it note. I frowned, not being able to read the orange writing on top of it from the place I was sitting on the bed. Not only were the colors clashing, but the writing was too small the read from such a distance, especially without wearing my glasses. I put my feet onto the floor and walked to the mysterious note, but immediately grinned when I read what it said.

For when you’re feeling alone, or sad, or just generally bad. I wore it two or three times since it was last washed, so it shouldn’t be dirty ;)

I took the post-it off and checked out the clothing article. It was one of Jack’s favourite black Raven’s hoodies. He left it here for me, for when I wanted to feel close to him. I was so tempted to put it on right at that moment, but I decided to wait an actually keep it for when I felt like what Jack had described. That way it wouldn’t lose it’s meaning.

Now, I was just going to wear what I normally wore if I didn’t leave the house: sweatpants with a baggy t-shirt. I did, however, decide to wear some of the comfortable-looking underwear my mom had gotten me. Gray and pink cotton underwear was comfortable in my book, at least. After throwing that on, I went to the mirror the run a brush through my knotted hair. With it being so long, it always went all over the place. But, what I kept saying: enjoy it while it lasts.

So, I went downstairs, expecting to maybe have a quiet breakfast/lunch/brunch thing with Joyce, where at least I would be eating something. Basically nothing different from my usual routine, but as soon as I was at the bottom of the stairs, I already knew that that wasn’t going to be happening. There were more gifts. A red wrapped box was on the dining table along with a bouquet of flowers and a card. But that wasn’t what got most of my attention. There was an empty scrapboard hanging on the wall a couple of feet away from me. Well, it was empty except for a lone post-it.

What the fuck had Jack done?

I went to the board first, wanting to know what got him to put that up. Don’t even ask me how he hung it up. There was obviously a nail in the wall, but I didn’t recall him ever putting it there, and it sure as hell didn’t happen during the night… Unless he drugged me, which he probably didn’t do. Everything he was doing for me this time just seemed so cheesy and I really didn’t know why he was doing it all for me! I didn’t recall Valentine’s Day or any anniversary of some sort coming up. It was June. Nothing happened in June… except for the pride days, but that couldn’t be why Jack did this for me. Well… maybe… with my new discovered sexuality and such. But no, that didn’t make sense.

Once again, the post-it had a pretty sappy message:
I thought I would finally end your complaining and finally get you something to organise all your thoughts with. No more not being able to visualize it all! Now you can put pictures up and shit! Don’t ask me why I did it, I just wanted to. You better use it though, seriously. There is a permanent hole in this wall now and we don’t have any artwork to hang up here.

I turned to Joyce who had been watching me, and rolled my eyes, “I really don’t know why he’s done all this. Am I missing something? Should I have done something for him?”

She chuckled at me and my confusion, “he just loves you a lot.”

“Oh. Ok,” I mumbled, somehow being taken aback by her short and simple answer. It always meant a bit more if it came from somebody who was really close to the person. It just made it all more real. “I guess that’s a good reason too.”

“He’s interrogated me a couple times, making sure I call him as soon as something goes wrong. He really doesn’t want anything happening to you. While one one hand it’s pretty terrifying with how serious he is about it, it’s also very sweet,” she smiled at me as I sat opposite from her at the table.

“Trust me, he’s done the same to me. I’ve just given up on saying anything back. It’s a lot easier to just agree and say you’ll do it,” I laughed and took the gift in my hands. I guessed it was time to open that as well. But first, the card.

I’m going to spare you guys the corny and mushy details of what he wrote in his messy handwriting. It basically consisted of him telling me how much he loved me and how much he was going to miss me. For a more accurate representation, I could say it was like his little speech before I fell asleep again, but with the stupid jokes from the notes. It was Jack being someone I would never have expected him to be when I had only known him for a short while. And yes, there was also a small part about him never having expected to be in love with the girl that freaked out after accidentally falling asleep on him while watching Wall-E.

And the gift. Of course it was something I didn’t need, and of course I was going to get mad at Jack for having spent so much money on me. He had recently gotten me a promise ring, there was no reason he had to have gotten me the simple silver charm bracelet I was now holding in my hands. There were a couple charms already on it: a camera, a leaf, and a coffee cup.

It’s just the beginning of our memories. - Jack