What Have You Done

I sat at Jimmy’s table conflicted if I should tell the whole story or leave it short and sweet. How am I supposed to tell my big brother that I fucked up my entire life, that I wouldn’t be finishing high school and that I wasn’t going to live out my dreams of college…I wanted to be the one who was successful for myself and give my parents a reason to finally be proud of me. I guess those dreams were going to be put on hold for a while.

“You said you had something to tell me, what’s up my little buttercup? Did you fail a class? Do you need me to forge a signature for you again?” He took a seat next to me, his blue eyes finally landed on mine. “I gotta get going pretty soon. Brian is picking me up for practice and if I’m late again they are going to kick my ass.” He bounced his leg nervously but managed to keep his tone playful and sweet; he knew when I stopped by unannounced that it wasn’t ever for a good reason. I usually got kicked out of the house or failed another class and Jimmy would help me dig myself out of a hole.

I dropped my eye contact from his and stared at the table. If I thought about it much longer I’d throw myself into a panic attack and leave without telling him why I came here in the first place. I took in a deep breath but the words wouldn’t come out.

“Hey,” He rested his hand on mine, “You can tell me anything, darlin.”

“I’m pregnant.” I cringe at my own words, ready for the lecture of my life. My parents already lectured me and tore me to shreds. I didn’t want Jimmy to be disappointed in me. It would kill the little bit of hope I have left.

I bit my lip I swear to God, I can feel it bleeding. I patiently wait for Jimmy to speak but he doesn’t. I lift my eyes to his and in that moment I feel like my brother is possessed, he isn’t showing any emotion’s it’s like nothing’s there. I’m not sure if I should worry or be thankful that he’s so numb to what I just told him. I then remember that this is Jimmy Sullivan, who the fuck am I kidding? He has something to say about everything.

He closes his eyes and runs his hand down his face. “Have you told mom and dad?”

I can feel my stomach flopping around. I want to puke at the thought of my parents words. “They said I need to have an abortion or give it up for adoption. I’m not allowed to stay there if I don’t abide by their rules. I’m keeping it. Jade’s been letting me stay with her for the last three weeks. I can’t abort my own child, Jimmy.” My voice shakes at the word abortion. My heart pounds rapidly in my ears. “I just wanted to tell you before I leave.”

Jimmy’s brow raised, he’s trying to figure out what to say to me. Finally it hit him. He went from understanding to obvious shock. “What the fuck, wait. You’re keeping it? You can’t move…where the fuck are you going? You’re seventeen, Emory. You’re still a fucking kid and now you’re a having a kid while being a kid…Em,” He paused and grabbed my hands in his. “I don’t mean to side with mom and dad but they’re right.”

I feel my jaw clench tight. My adrenaline starts to rush. I cannot believe that Jimmy is taking their side. I stand to my feet and grab my purse from the ground. Jimmy knows that this is one of my famous moves. I won’t stay for conversations if I feel backed in a corner. I hate confrontation. I will avoid it with everything I have.

He grabs my wrist and pulls me back to the chair. “Sit, you aren’t going to run from me.”
“Jimmy, I really need to go. I need to pack. My flight leaves Wednesday morning.” I lean back in my chair and stare up at the ceiling. I know he’s disappointed in me.

“Em, you can’t keep running from the problems that you have. Why don’t you stay with Jade for a while longer? I mean, isn’t the father going to be involved in its life?”

“I mean yeah but Jimmy he’s over eighteen. I can’t tell anyone who the father is…if mom and dad find out they will throw him in prison. That could be six years of his fucking life and he doesn’t deserve that.” I’m trying my best to manipulate my brother’s emotions. I’m trying so hard to get him to feel empathetic. “Uncle Ray said he’d pay for me to get the fuck out of here. He said that I could go stay with him and Aunt Liv for a bit until I’m at least eighteen.”

“You’re going to go to Europe?” He seethes. “You’re going to go stay with Ray? What the fuck are you even saying, do you hear yourself?!”

“Jimmy, I’m sorry but please understand me. I can’t stay here-” I stop talking when I hear the front door open. I shut my mouth not wanting Brian to hear our conversation.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” He casually asks.

“Oh nothing…Emory is just explaining to be that she’s fucking knocked up and moving across the world to go stay with my aunt and uncle till she’s eighteen because she couldn’t use a god damn condom.” Jimmy spoke too quickly for me to fully understand what he had said.

Brian’s eyes almost bulged out of his head. I didn’t tell Brian I was pregnant. I knew he would want to be a part of the child’s life and I couldn't bare the idea of him going to prison for something that was consented. I didn’t want their band to break up and I didn't want Jimmy to murder Brian. All I really wanted was to get the fuck out of this friend group along with this town.

“Fuck that. Why can’t she stay with you?” Brian asked Jimmy.

“Because my parents will fucking murder me if they know I am harboring not only my little sister but her unborn child.” He looks back at me. “You need to have an abortion Em.”

“No!” Brian and I yelled at the same time.

Jimmy looked over at Brian with a weird look on his face. “What the fuck do you care?”

Brain shrugged, “You can’t force her to have an abortion. That shit can be traumatizing.”

Once again I stood to my feet ready to end the conversation. I loved Brian, and I knew he loved me. I didn’t want to leave but I also didn’t want my parents doing anything crazy like calling the cops on Jade because I still have six months till I’m eighteen. I didn’t want to put anyone in harm’s way.

“When are you leaving?” Jimmy quietly asked.

“Wednesday, I can’t go back to Jade’s tonight. They know I’ve been staying there.” I quietly mutter. “And they already had the cops threaten her once. I can’t go back there. Jimmy, please let me stay here till Wednesday.” I begged.

“Em, I can’t. You need to go home.”

Out of the corner I could see Brian rolling his eyes. “What the fuck is wrong with you Jimmy? That’s your niece or nephew…” He grabbed my bag from the ground. “I’ll drop you off at my parent’s house. They’ll let you stay for a couple days after we explain the situation to them. They’d probably let you stay however long you wanted honestly.” He grabbed my hand, “Did you take Jade’s car?”
I nodded my head yes.

“Cool, we’ll take her car.” He tossed his keys to Jimmy. “You can take my car to practice. Tell the guys I’m running a little late.”

I followed Brian to the door and I gave one last glance at my brother before saying goodbye. “I love you, Jimmy…I hope in the future we will get past this.” I took in a deep breath and exited the door feeling like I had been punched in the face by silence. “Bye Jimmy.”

Brian and I got into the car. Silence still rested between the both of us.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Brian finally asks. “It’s kinda my right to know that we are having a baby don’t you think?”

I nod my head. “Brian, I just…I didn’t want you involved. Not until I'm eighteen. It's only six months away.”

“It’s a little late for that don’t you think? That’s my kid Em, you don’t get to decide if I’m involved or not.” He pauses and sets his hand on my leg. “Are you really leaving?”

“Yeah, I don’t have another option, Bri.”

Stopping at a red light he looked over at me. “My parents will let you stay there. You do have options. Please don’t leave, Em. I’ll miss out on so much of my kid’s life!” Hurt rests in his eyes.

“You know your parents will talk to mine and try to smooth things over and my parents will definitely put you in jail. I swear to God if you follow me I will tell everyone that we have been having a fling since I was fourteen.” I sighed. “If you really love me you'll let me go. I'm doing this for us.”

I think deep down inside Brian and I both knew that I wasn’t coming home after I left that Wednesday morning. I knew I completely broke his heart and shattered everything we had, but for once in my life I wasn't only thinking about myself.