What Have You Done

12/27/08

I gazed around the guest room. Everything was incredibly clean. I didn’t want to piss Jade off anymore. I know that we need the space from each other but I’ll always love Jade. I’d known her since I was born basically.

I sadly gazed around my old empty room. I didn’t feel like this was the best decision we could have come up with but both of us were hot headed and now everything was said and done. It didn’t matter neither of us were going to apologize either.

I hated confrontation it meant no problems and if there wasn’t problem…well, there was nothing to worry about. At least that was my logic. In a way I guess it was part of a coping skill I had.

I heaved the last box into my arms. I hesitated walking to the door, but I got this. I’m so badass, at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

I slightly start to panic when I realize that this is the last time I will probably be in this home.

I exhale and say a quit goodbye to all the fond memories…I almost had the door squeezed shut except I couldn’t quit shut and now I’m losing my fucking balance. Why didn’t I get the height Jimmy got?

I squealed and dropped the box on the cement patio. Shit, what broke. I groaned loudly. This was probably the last time I would use this key. I can remember being a teenager thinking it was incredibly cool sneaking into Jade’s house.

I set the key down under the fake rock that Jade tried say was natural looking even though we didn’t have other rocks.

“Going somewhere?” I look over my shoulder to see Jimmy walking up the pathway.

"Yes. Now that you are here you can grab that box. It's heavy..." I smirked. "You can help me with the rest of the shit too." She tossed Jimmy the car keys.

"It's Brian's car... I'll catch up with you in a sec."
I didn’t give Jimmy any chance to speak. Instead I walked to the front door and grabbed mine and Owen’s cloths.

Jimmy chuckled when he saw me caring my wardrobe along with Owen’s boxe of toys. Thankfully after his long laughter he grabbed everything from me and set it in the trunk.

“So you’re really doing it?”

"Grab that one. It's heavy and I almost broke in half getting it out the door." I pointed Jimmy in the other direction. "Please be careful. That’s Owen’s box the only thing I actually give a shit about besides him."

He nodded might have to see what’s inside someday… “I bet he’s a lot like his uncle. I can only imagine.”

I laugh as I watch him pick up another box. “I fucking hope not. You were such an asshole. You still are!” I joke…wow. We’re joking already. Jimmy and I couldn’t hold a grudge worth shit when it came to one another. It was good for our relationship but bad for the ego.

“Fuck you. He even looks like me.”

“No he doesn’t…He looks like I don’t know not me, he must take after those fucking Haner’s.” I tease. “Lighten up.” I push his shoulder. “By the way I’m moving to Brian’s did you hear?” I sarcastically ask.

“Dude. This shit dumb and you know it.” He leans against the trunk. “This all is dumb. Fuck lets just let the past be the past Em. Plus give me some slack I’m helping move out of my girlfriend’s apartment.”

“Fiance, Jimmy.”

I glanced at my brother and sat on the trunk next to him. “Don’t tell Brian we ever did this…he’ll kill us.” God Damnit I knew it was me that was going to have to apologize. “Look, I’m sorry I’m putting you in a weird spot.” She admitted, “But I’m your sister…I should come before her.”

“And I’m your brother, you should have told me.” He tilted his head and took off his aviators revealing a stern face. “Em, let’s be real… all of this is pretty weird. I’ve been calling my best friend a rapist for like four years without even knowing it. It’s pretty fucked up you didn’t tell us…but I know it’s fucked up that I didn’t tell you about Jade. Honestly I’m gonna talk to Brian and apologize, but that fucker better apologize back.” His manic laughter filled the air. “Jade’s going to kill me.”

I gave him that familiar look. The one that said get out of my fucking way I don’t want to talk anymore. Jimmy automatically stepped in front of me knowing what I was attempting to do. He did this to here years ago when he had suspected that I had a crush on all of his friends. Who cares anyways? I was boy crazy.

“Come on fucker, move. I’m not in the mood to talk. “I’m tired.”

Jimmy slyly grinned and moved into my personal space. I swear he is the most annoying person in the world. I couldn’t stand him at this moment.

“That’s fine that you want to leave but you won’t get that far dear.”

I raised my eyebrow. “You’re dumb.” Feeling annoyed I swung open the driver’s door opened. I dug in my pocket for the keys.

“God Damnit, Jimmy, give me the keys.” I rested my head on the steering wheel. I flinched at the sound of the passenger’s side door opening; Jimmy plopped down in the seat.

“I’ll give them back after you talk to me. I’m still your brother, Em. You can’t stay mad at me forever and even if you tried, I could literally pick you up over my shoulder and shake it out of you. Do not tempt me. I will drag your ass out of the car. Look at my face, how are you going to stay mad at this?”

I tilted my head to look at my brother. He rested his chin on his hand and made a silly smile. I didn’t want to laugh but Jimmy was right. I’ve never been able to stay mad at him. I tiredly lifted my head from the steering wheel chuckling I said. “You’re an idiot.”
His mouth dropped to an O pretending to be offended he yelled, “I am a very lovable idiot!”

“Please shut up, Jim, I don’t wanna hear it.”

"Don't you fucking wish? I got all day to sit here and bother you. Look at it this way we are having some brother sister bonding time. I haven’t gotten to spend that much time with you between you ditching our concert and spending time with everyone but me.”

“I wanted to hang out with you and Jade, but honestly I can’t stand the sight of your stupid faces right now.” I reclined in her seat getting comfortable. She knew this conversation could take a while. “Besides, you have to share me.”

“Not to make excuses, but you aren’t the easy person to talk to when it comes to relationships. You’re hot and cold with everything. One day you love being around everyone and the next moment you think everyone is out to get you…It’s a God damn cycle, Em. It’s been like this since you were a teenager. You want me to treat you like an adult but you’re twenty-three and still run from every problem you’ve ever had.” Her runs his hand down his face. “I mean you lied about Owen’s dad forever.”

I attempted to interject and open my mouth to speak but Jimmy instantly shushed me.

“Can you blame Jade for not wanting to tell you this? She knew she could lose you for good over something that neither one of us could control. We didn’t mean for this relationship to happen, let’s be honest though, Jade is me in a female’s body. We work well together, we’re a great team and if you could put away this anger you would see that we are perfect for each other. Not to mention she’s fucking hot. Look at this mug.” He pointed his finger at his face, “Do you really think I’ll ever get another girl like that?” He chuckled. “Shit happens, Em, you can’t keep disappearing every time you don’t like something. If you can accept this, I will get over the Brian thing.” He lightly cringed.

I turned to face my brother. His eyes sparked when I finally met his gaze. “I wouldn’t have cared, Jimbo. I love the idea of Jade being my sister in law and her legally being a Sullivan. We always dreamt of being family…we wanted to be sisters.” She bit the inside of her cheek. She tried her best to not say anything dramatic. “I’m just disappointed that you guys decided to keep it from me for this many years. It’s not one of those situations where it kept slipping your mind over and over the past few years.” She blankly stared up at the car ceiling. “I don’t want to keep doing this, Jimmy.”

“Em…”

“I know Jimmy I don’t have room to talk. I wish I could be like you and say I’m sorry and not be mad.” I sighed. “But I am. I can’t help it. I’m going to take some time away. We just need to start over some how…get everything out there but right now I need distance.”

"You mean you want to keep her at a distance, but, that isn't my business. Let’s put this behind us. You can come stay with me. I know you don’t have a lot of options given the situation. Plus I’m exciting, we will have fun and it will be like old times. We can drink and party, go visit mom and dad. It will be fun! Plus I won’t charge you rent! The only difference is the kiddo.” He clapped his hands like small child. “Whadya say?”

I started to feel uncomfortable at the thought of my parent’s I really had to tell them soon. “Mom and Dad don’t even know I’m here.” I felt sudden guilt start in. “I haven’t seen them for years or talked to them…” How could I? They weren’t good parents for me growing up so why should I give a shit- oh yeah Son and Brother…“I’m actually going to go stay with Brian for a little bit. He’s got a spare room that I can stick all my shit in… I don’t have to keep moving back and forth.” I admitted.

Jimmy pulled the keys out of his pocket and handed them back to me. “Ahh you really want the family thing to happen huh?” He bites the inside of his lip. “You sure he’s ready?”

I shrug. “He sounds like it and he’s been there for Owen for the most part. I hope he’s ready, but I guess we will see.”

He rolled his eyes, opening the car door, he got out and said, “You're too good for him and he’s my best friend. I don’t care about the circumstances. I don't like it.”

I started the car, “Hmm sounds familiar.”

He laughed. “Later, Em. My door is always open if you need it.”

“Yup, see ya Jimmy.”