Better for You

After my moment of realization under the tree, I was brought back into reality by the sound of leaves crumpling. My body jolted once I heard the noise and I jumped up from my spot under the tree. The noise reminded me of where I was… All alone, under an isolated tree, in the middle of nowhere; and that thought alone made my feet take off as I ran back to the dorms.

Just a few minutes after I began running, rain began pouring down out of the sky in buckets, making me grip my leather jacket closer to my body to try to keep in some heat. After a good 5 minute run (that reminded me that I really needed to go to the gym at some point) I made it back home.

As I stood outside my dorm I began reeling the rain out of my hair, as a small puddle formed by the door mat. I used my thumbs to wipe off any mascara that may have trailed down my cheeks and inhaled a deep breath before reaching out to open the door, instructing myself to hold myself together.

However, the door opened before I could open it and Abby gave me an apologetic smile and hug, and then rushed out of the door. I frowned at her odd behaviour but shrugged it off and walked through the door, then realizing why she’d left as I saw Mike sitting on the bed with tears in his eyes. “How long have you been here for?” I asked Mike wearily. He looked up at me with wide eyes, taking in my drowned appearance for a moment and shrugged, glancing at my alarm clock.

“Just a couple of minutes.” He answered, in a strained voice. I took a deep breath and flopped down onto Abby’s bed. An uncomfortable silence took over us for a few minutes, as we both thought, unsure as to what to say to each other.

“Why did you do it?” I asked, finally breaking the silence. I stared at the ceiling, feeling Mike watching me carefully in the corner of my eyes. It was strange that I didn’t have to hold back any tears, I should be crying, shouldn’t I? My boyfriend of a year just cheated on me with my enemy and I had yet to shed a tear. Even thinking about it; what hurt me most wasn’t that he cheated on me, but who he did it with; that can’t be right.

“I was drunk and I wasn’t really thinking. Izzy, I swear to you that it didn’t mean anything. I love you, not her.” Mike promised and I closed my eyes, inhaling deep breaths. Did he mean that though? Did he love me when I was so easily pushed to the back of his mind when he was back home?

“I think that I just need some time and space to think about this Mike.” I told him, opening my eyes to look over at him. His eyes looked so rejected, so vulnerable and rejected that I had to look away before I started apologizing to him.

“Ok, I’ll go to a hotel or something.” Mike suggested, getting up from his bed and looking around to find his phone. I have to admit, even though I shouldn’t, I felt guilty for kicking him out.

“No, you can sleep on Abby’s bed, I’m pretty sure that she’ll be gone for the rest of the night, so you might as well.” I offered and Mike turned around to face me, with a suspicious expression on his face.

“Are you sure, I mean I thought that you wanted space to think about this…” Mike trailed off.

“I’m sure, it’s late and so you might as well.” I answered, getting up from my bed awkwardly, and walking over to my dresser to get changed, while Mike took something out of his suitcase and got changed in silence. I then got into bed and started checking Instagram, liking a few pictures, and then moving onto twitter. Once I had finished I put my phone on the bedside table and sighed. "Night." I said to Mike, the distance clear in my voice.

"Night." Mike replied softly, the guilt trembling through his tone. The silence was awkward between us as we lay in bed, both knowing that we wouldn't sleep a blink. I started bobbing my foot up and down, wondering what I could do to waste time, but my mind was too clouded by my busy day to even begin to think about anything else. So, instead I just replayed the night in my head, constantly going over my talk with Harry, and more importantly my almost kiss. The difference between Mike and I is that I turned away from Harry when he went to kiss me, whereas Mike turned towards Lucy and initiated the kiss. I sighed and rolled over, facing the wall and closed my eyes trying to wish myself to sleep.

Unfortunately, wishing myself to sleep did not work, which anyone could tell by the prominent bags around my eyes. I was in the middle of rubbing in the concealer underneath my eyes when Abby tip-toed into the room. I raised my eyebrows at her, when she suddenly realized that I was awake and jumped in shock, placing a hand over her racing heart while I burst out laughing.

"You scared the daylights out of me! I had assumed that you were asleep!" Abby breathed, sitting down on her bed to calm herself down, when she must have felt Mike's body as she jumped up in fright, glaring at me. "Well there goes 2 years of my life... Who the hell is that?" She whisper shouted, as I stifled a laugh.

"Mike." I answered and her eyes blew wide open.

"What?" She asked, looking at me as if I had just told her that a family of serial killers were in her bed.

I frowned at her and shrugged, "Mike." I repeated and Abby began shaking her head furiously.

"Why on earth is he in here? Did you hurt your head and forget what he did last night? He cheated on you Izzy! He kissed Lucy, of all people he chose to kiss fucking Lucy!" She ranted, waving her hands around frantically as if they were some kind of weapon.

"I know; we slept in the same room together Abby, it's not like we had sex or something! I just told him that I needed time to think it over and that he could sleep in your bed seeing as you weren't here." I whispered, moving to sit down on my bed, suddenly remembering the remaining concealer underneath my eyes and rubbing it in.

"Do you think that you're going to forgive him?" She asked quietly, calming down. She then moved and sat down beside me, placing a comforting arm around my shoulder, and squeezing me tightly as if I would break otherwise.

"I don't know Abby; I don't want to act on anger with this situation... But this is about more than that kiss Abby..." I trailed off, covering my face with my hands about the mess that my love life was currently in. I flopped back against my bed, with my face still hidden, sighing.

"What else is this about?" Abby pushed. I contemplated how to tell her in the simplest of forms.

"It’s not the same as it used to be. I can feel this huge distance between us; when we'd Skype I could feel it, but assumed that it was just the fact that we were literally miles apart... But now that he's here I can still feel this distance between us..." I began, pausing to remove my hands away from my face. "I guess that we've been living in two different worlds and it's beginning to take its toll on us..." I finished, leaning my head on Abby's shoulder and pouting.

"I'm sorry Izzy; I don't really know what else to say... Do you wanna go to that Ice-cream store again? You know; the one that does the best Ice-cream ever!" Abby asked, successfully trying to change the subject as I nodded my head happily, getting up to change into something else, seeing as I was definitely not going to go out in my pyjamas!

I quickly changed into blue and white striped T-shirt, red jeans with navy blue striped high tops. It was different from my usual attire, but it was what would dress in if I wasn't trying to impress anyone. Abby eyes my outfit, giving it the nod of acceptance before we headed out of the dorm. "You look so different without your girly clothes on!" Abby exclaimed and I gave her the most girly smile that I could pull in return.

Abby and I drove into the town, having to park a while out to get a decent, free, parking space. Unfortunately the town happened to be pretty full, so we had to park quite a way away, but the fresh air would do me good, and hopefully clear my clouded mind.

During to the walk to the Ice-cream shop, I noticed similar gangs from the last time, all taking drags from a cigarette. I rolled my eyes, luckily being able to cover them under my aviator sunglasses. Abby and I strutted past all of the different huddles of various groups with our heads held high, eventually making it to the shop.

I chewed on my lip as I looked at all of the different flavours to choose from. Cherry? Vanilla? Honeycomb? Raspberry ripple? I eventually decided on honeycomb, feeling in need of some sugary goodness, and Abby bought a cherry Ice cream. We took them in pots this time, as the previous time we got Ice-cream in cones they melted in the car and Abby complained to me about the sticky seats in her car for the following week.

Just as we turned the first corner, away from the corner shop, I heard a low raspy chuckle, knowing exactly who it was. I looked up and my thoughts were confirmed as I saw Harry taking a drag from the rolled up cigarette and laughing at something one of the guys had said. My nose crinkled as the strong scent of Marijuana drifted towards my nose. My heart boomed loudly in my chest, as my instincts took over, causing me to grab Abby's hand and quickly lead her away with my face to the ground; I did not want to be caught.

Abby and I managed to make it to the car without being recognised, we did receive a few weird glances, but fortunately Harry was too high to realize what was going on. To be honest, I was a little mad at Harry, although I would never admit it out loud. I was just upset about everything that had happened last night. He was fine in class and at the woods, then the voices made something in him snap and he went all weird on me. Then at the party he was being a dick to me, then apologized and tried to kiss me... And now he's getting high with his mates; talk about mixed signals!

The car ride was quiet, and I rested my head back on the headrest as Abby parked up outside of the Dormitory. I inhaled a deep breath, mentally preparing myself for seeing Mike again. I opened the door and sluggishly made my way to the dorm, trying to take as long as possible with Abby right beside me, glancing at me worriedly every few seconds.

As we made it to the door, I opened it slowly, to find the room empty. I frowned as I walked over to my bed, picking up the note on it which had been put there.

'Dear Izzy,
I'm really, really sorry about what happened last night. I completely understand that you need time and space to think about this. Please call me when you're ready to see me, or if you need me or anything. I will stay in a hotel for as long as you want me to.
I really do love you Izzy,
Mike xxx'

A long sigh escaped my lips as I read the letter sitting down on the end of my bed, with my legs over the edge, then falling back onto it. "What does it say?" Abby inquired, walking over to me. I simply handed her the letter, and watched as her eyes flickered over the words. "How do you feel about this?" She asked and I shrugged.

"To be honest, I feel kind of relieved..." I admitted sheepishly; but it was the truth. Mike and I have been together for over a year and I felt a pressure to forgive him, like I owed it to him, but now I felt like I didn't have to, like I actually had a choice. But the problem is that I’ve been having conflicted feelings about what I’m going to choose. And the worst part is that a big part of my decision involves a certain green eyed man.

"Do you have any idea about what you’re going to choose?" Abby asked carefully, as I looked at her straight in the eyes, then looking away.

"Yeah." I replied, running a stressed hand through my hair. The truth is, I already know what my decision is going to have to be... I just don't know if I'm ready to face it yet...

"What is it?" Abby pushed, sitting down next to me on my bed, as I sat up and fiddled with my fingers awkwardly.

"I think that it's just going to be too hard to keep it going. We're 18 for crying out loud and we're already doing long distance at this level... It was never going to work." I explained, finishing off with a sigh as I rested my head on Abby’s shoulder.

"Are you sure about this?" Abby asked, and I nodded my head against her shoulder in reply.

The previous two days had been weird. I hadn't spoken a word to Mike. Not a single word. I guess that he had been keeping his space from me like he said he would. The longer I had been ignoring him, the guiltier I felt. I knew what I needed to do but I wasn’t ready to let go of our relationship just yet. Mike is, or was, my first love and had been a huge part of my life and ending our relationship was like letting go of my connection with home.

Harry had been acting up as well. Inside of the lessons and when we were alone he was fine, being the usual Harry, but as soon as his friends were around he was either a dick or avoided me like the plague. It really sucked having him act differently around his friends as I didn't know how to act around them. I really didn't like Lucy, but Harry seemed to be friends with her so I felt like I had to at least try around her... But whenever I'm around her with Harry they both turn on me and are just plain mean.

I had tried telling Harry how I felt about his friends, but every time I did he would tell me that he wasn't actually like them and that he was sorry; but sorry didn't really make the cut anymore. You're only truly sorry if you don't repeat the mistake again and again, which Harry does, and it was really starting to bug me.... What a birthday week this was...

What was really starting to eat at me was the fact that Harry and Abby seemed to be hanging around a bit too much recently; they had been sneaking off and acting secretive. Although I wasn't dating Harry, I still felt pangs of jealousy every time they'd share a look or would make excuses to meet up with each other.

I sighed as I got up from my bed, changing into some casual clothes. I had decided that it was about time that I stopped keeping Mike in the dark. He had texted me the address to the hotel that he was staying at, and I walked over there, as I still desperately needed to get a car.

I took a deep breath, before I lifted my hand and knocked on the door. The door opened within minutes to reveal Mike in a blue tee shirt with some jeans and messy hair. He invited me inside and I walked through the door, then perching myself down on his very comfortable hotel bed. The hotel room was fairly basic, just a small room with a double bed in the middle accompanied by a desk and chair and a door which I assumed led to an en suite facility.

Mike hesitantly sat beside me, and an awkward silence consumed us. "So, you’ve been thinking?" Mike asked, breaking the silence as I stared ahead, careful not to show any emotion through my face.

"Yes." I answered, "We need to talk." I suggested, and Mike let out an audible sigh.

"Look, I'm sorry about the kiss. It shouldn't have happened and I'm sorry." Mike apologized, looking at me desperately, but I didn't miss the boredom in his tone, and it was like he was getting tired of apologising again and again.

"It's not about that." I commented, and Mike looked up at me with raised eyebrows. "It's not! It's not about the kiss, it’s about me; it’s about us. I love you Mike and I probably always will; but you can go days without saying a word to me, and I used to miss you so much when that happened but it never felt like you missed me back.” I trailed off, before lowering my eyes to look at my fingers as they fidgeted nervously. “And I think because of that I stopped missing you too." I explained and looked up at Mike as his eyes widened as he stared at me in shock.

"I-I'm sorry Bells, I really am. But this isn't the end; it can't be. We've been together for forever and I don’t believe what you’re saying; you’re just going to throw it all away over one kiss? No, I can't let you do that!" Mike vented, standing up and pacing around the room.

"You hurt me Mike. You hurt me when you didn’t talk to me but I got over it." I whispered, not trusting my voice at it's normal volume. “I shouldn’t have gotten over it, don’t you see Mike? I should have been furious at you and screamed at you till the words dried out but I got over it.”

"We can move past that Izzy I know we can” Mike pleaded, looking at me with an intense gaze causing me to lower mine. “I love you Izzy! How else do you want me to say it?" Mike asked, pleading with me as he literally got down onto the floor and wrapped his large hands around me own, a few sobs escaping his lips.

"How about how you show it? I was always here Mike, I was always holding onto you, but I need you to need me back. Why don’t you ever call me when I’m away? Why did you kiss Lucy in front of me? And why won't you ever let me all the way in?" I ranted, using my hands as I shoved Mike’s chest wildly with tears pooling in my eyes which I blinked back as I stepped back from Mike's embrace around my legs and took in a deep breath.

"I'm sorry Izzy. I'm just so damn sorry." Mike apologized, bowing his head to the floor in defeat.

"Yeah” I sighed as I stood up and walked to the door. “Me too" I agreed, before walking out of the hotel room and starting the trek back to the dorms, without allowing a single tear to escape from my eyes.