Better for You

Do you ever get that feeling when someone stares at you with such intensity that your stomach retracts into a tiny ball and you’re all too aware of your breathing and suddenly you need to swallow and everything that is usually automatic is suddenly the most complex process ever? Because that was exactly how I felt as I stood before Harry, with his emerald eyes burning into me with surprise and curiosity and it hit me that after this Harry may never look at me the same. Harry would never see the confident, strong and innocent Izzy, instead I would become a tainted, wine-stained image and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that.

“I’m not perfect Harry, I never claimed to be and I need you to understand that and promise not to hold that against me.” I asked Harry, walking away from Harry to place myself instead on his bed. The bed creaked slightly as I placed my weight onto it, and focused my eyes on the hard wood floor.

“Izzy, I never expected you to be perfect – but I love you no matter what, I love all of you; even the secrets you keep.” Harry replied softly as I heard his footsteps nearing where I sat. The bed then moved slightly as Harry sat down next to me and clasped my hands in his, his large warm hands cocooning my own. “I’m not going anywhere, Izzy.” Harry told me firmly, his words floating into the air surrounding me and providing me with a strength to open myself up to Harry completely.

“I don’t know where to begin.” I stammered, inhaling a deep breath. “when I was seventeen my dad, he,” I inhaled another deep breath, the air reaching my lungs and clearing my mind before I continued, “he left my mother and me. It was a really cold afternoon; my mum was out working and I was on my way home from school when I got a call from the police and I remember not knowing if my hands were shaking from the cold or from the fact that I was getting a call from the police. And I knew, the second that I heard the female’s voice greeting me; I just knew what had happened.” I explained to Harry, not realising that I was crying until Harry’s calloused finger brushed the tear from my cheek, breaking me from my trance.

“The police were calling me from the coroner’s office as they needed me to identify the body, and I had to get a taxi there and the whole way all that I could think was that it was my fault.” I paused shaking my head and that’s when Harry spoke.

“Izzy, you are not to responsible for your father’s actions; how were you to have known that he was going to do that? It’s not your fault.” Harry told me and I shook my head violently, springing up from the bed to place a distance between Harry and I, the closeness between us was getting too much.

“You don’t understand Harry, my father had depression and I knew that. I had watched him getting worse and I couldn’t help him. My father was everything to me, he was my hero and I couldn’t save him.” I replied, my voice breaking as sobs took over my body and I crumbled to the ground. Harry leapt up from the bed and came to my side immediately with a magnetised force, wrapping his arms around my crumpled form.

“It’s my fault I’m reminded of it every second of every day. Missing my father is a constant for me and every time I remember why he isn’t here today and it’s because of me.” I whispered to Harry, leaning my head on my shoulder and closing my eyes as I tried to instead focus on my breathing, matching it to the rising and falling of Harry’s chest.

I felt Harry’s lips press gently against my hair as more tears slipped out of my eyes. “You’re so strong Izzy, I don’t think you understand how strong you are.” Harry told me quietly, his voice low and raspy.

“I’m quite the opposite really though Harry. That’s why I hated you engaging in the violence with Luke – I was powerless in the situation. What you do has consequences and they hurt me and I know that I have to respect your decisions and I want to but I can’t feel like that again Harry, I won’t.” I revealed to Harry, opening my eyes but training them on the floor as I remained wrapped in Harry’s arms.

“Izzy, I’ll never do that to you again. I won’t hurt you Izzy, I can’t bear it; it kills me.” Harry spoke, his raspy words vibrating through my body and instilling me with a faith that Harry would keep his word.

It was strange, but as I sat beside Harry I noticed how it was now easier to breathe; it was as though a literal weight had been removed from my chest. My shoulders lifted slightly and my heart even felt lighter, as though the truth had cut ties with the secrets that were holding me down, and now I was free from my past, or at least so I hoped.

“It was you.” Harry voiced suddenly and I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, twisting my body and tilting my face up to face Harry as he gazed at me with a combination of honesty and sincerity dancing in his eyes. “Luke and I were fighting over you. He made a remark about how good you looked and how he was going to try it on with you and I couldn’t control myself Izzy, just the thought of him touching you made me sick to my stomach.” Harry reveal and I raised my eyebrows in shock, my lips parting slightly. Harry had fought Luke over me?

“I-I thought that you were trying to keep our relationship a secret from your friends?” I asked Harry, not quite understanding what part of fighting a friend over getting with me was downplaying our relationship…

“I know, I wasn’t thinking I just – I couldn’t stand the things he was saying, Izzy.” Harry told me, his eyes staring at me so deeply it was like he was burning through to me soul and branding it with his name, and I was more than willing to hand it over to him on a platter. “You’re mine Izzy, only mine.” Harry spoke, his inner caveman-self coming out and I didn’t have it in me to lecture him on how I was an independent woman because in fact what he said was true. Harry owned me, my heart body and soul was his and I never wanted him to return it.

“I love you, Harry – more than you’ll ever know.” I whispered to Harry in response, leaning up to him and bridging the gap between us with a gentle kiss to convey the tender honesty in my words. However, one kiss was never enough with Harry – one kiss made us only crave more as hunger turned to starvation and suddenly I was filled with an overpowering need to drown myself in Harry as the kiss deepened and I lost myself in the luxury of Harry’s lips.

The following morning, I awoke to the soft kisses of warm air on my back erupting from Harry’s lips as he slept peacefully behind me. I remained still for an additional minute or so as I enjoyed the tranquillity laying next Harry brought to me. I was relieved to have confessed my darkest moments to Harry last night and to allow him to see all of me for the first time.

I had revealed my wounds and scars to Harry and he had kissed them instead of showing the other cheek. I smiled to myself in what I hoped was a non-creepy way and mentally prepared myself to leave the warmth of Harry’s bed, as I then swung my legs out to dangle them off of the bed as I sat up and stretched my arms and meeting the cool morning air the surrounded Harry’s room.

I then stood up and put on my bra underneath Harry’s t-shirt and then got out my phone which had numerous messages from Abby, Andy and Liam all asking that had happened last night and if I was ok. I was touched by their worry and replied to them all saying that I was alright and had stayed the night with Harry.

I then scrolled through Instagram, wanting to post a photo that I had taken with Harry a couple of weeks ago. Harry was sat on a bench in a park and I was sat on his lap at a perpendicular angle to him with my head resting on his chest.

I had tied my hair up into a messy bun and I think a couple of stray hairs ended up in mouth, gross I know, but we looked so happy together in the photo, our eyes were filled with laughter and it filled me with glee just looking at the photo.

However, I knew that I couldn’t post the photo as Harry still wasn’t ready to tell his friends about the relationship and so instead switched to twitter and read through a few tweets when I heard Harry rustling in the sheets behind me. “What time is it?” Harry asked, sleep churning in his vocals and evident in his low raspy tone.

“Just past nine.” I answered Harry, turning and walking towards him on the bed to peck his lips softly. I pulled away with a smile playing on my lips that was mirrored on Harry’s face.

“Fancy some morning sex then?” Harry asked me with a serious expression and I rolled my eyes at his crudeness, swatting his arm playfully.

“Last night not enough for you then?” I asked Harry, crawling onto his lap and straddling his hips as I took his face into my hands.

“I can never have enough of you Izzy.” Harry answered with his lips curling upwards slightly and I took a moment to appreciate how beautiful he looked like this in the morning, it shouldn’t be possible for a person to look so beautifully handsome having just woken up minutes ago.

“Good answer.” I praised Harry with a smirk on my face as I leaned towards him and sealed my lips on his.

A good 20 minutes later I was walking into the shower, allowing the warm water to awaken and clean my body. I poured some of Harry’s coconut shampoo onto my hair, massaging it into my roots before rinsing my hair clean. My mind couldn’t help replaying the previous 15 minutes I had spent with Harry as a smile played on my lips.

After my shower, I dried my body and changed into my dress from last night as I had stupidly not brought a change of clothes with me. I then wrapped my hair in the towel and walked into Harry’s room and then proceeded to dry my hair and then tie it up into a messy bun.

“What are your plans for today?” Harry asked me as he laid on his bed while flicking through his phone.

“Not much, I have work at 3 but until then I’ve got nothing planned.” I answered Harry while searching his room for my flats which I found tossed randomly in the far corner of Harry’s room, causing me to blush as I remembered how they got there.

“Ok, you wanna go out for breakfast then?” Harry asked me, switching off his phone as he instead directed his attention to me, his eyes flickering over my body for a couple of long seconds before they landed on my face, I raised an eyebrow at Harry’s roaming eyes which he shamelessly shrugged at. “What can I say? You look fucking hot in that dress.” Harry responded and I rolled my eyes at him, not being able to help the smile that tugged at my lips from Harry’s blunt and complimentary words, I loved the idea that I had an effect on Harry.

“Yes, I would love to go out for breakfast with you, as long as we stop off at my house on the way because I feel like I’ll look like I’m doing a morning of shame otherwise.” I replied to Harry, causing him to chuckle lightly at my words, which made me laugh and I couldn’t help but notice how beautifully our laughs harmonised with each other.

“Ok, we can stop off at yours en route.” Harry responded, getting up from his bed and sliding on his shoes, he must have changed while I was in the shower as he was dressed in a long sleeve black top and dark jeans and I couldn’t help but appreciate how well he looked in black.

“You ready?” Harry asked and I nodded at him in return and followed him as he walked out of the dorm. On our journey towards my car we were stopped as Luke walked out of the kitchen, a large bruise clearly forming on his right eye and his lips was clearly busted and swollen.

“Oh, look at who it is.” Luke sneered at Harry and I, his eyes lingering on my body for much longer than necessary and I subconsciously sheltered my body from Luke’s wandering eyes behind Harry’s body which had stiffened noticeably. “Nice dress, Izzy.” Luke commented and my body stiffened in response as Harry broadened his shoulders.

“Watch it, Luke.” Harry growled in a warning tone that would have had me running for the hills.

“What’s your problem, Harry? Izzy’s fair game, right?” Luke asked, clearly testing Harry and I decided to step in before Harry did something he’d regret, or should regret.

“The odds aren’t really in your favour though.” I responded, grabbing Harry’s arm and leading him away from Luke as I attempted to remove ourselves from the tense situation.

“What about Harry though? I take it you stayed the night in his room?” Luke asked and Harry and I both froze at Luke’s words, not sure how to reply.

“Izzy wasn’t fit to drive home.” Harry answered firmly as he turned to face Luke and as I looked at Luke who nodded his head in return, it was evident that he didn’t believe a word that Harry had said. “Good luck trying to keep the swelling down.” Harry told Luke with a smirk on his face before we both walked out of the door.

My heart was pounding heavily in my chest as I came into contact with the cold winter morning air, my breath bursting in a white cloud before me. Something about Luke made me uneasy. I didn’t like how he had acted around Harry and I; did he know about us?