Better for You

“Are you ready?” My nurse, who insisted that I called her Liv - short for Olivia, asked me as she edged into my room while pushing a wheelchair in front of her. Liv was in her early forties, yet didn’t look a day over thirty, with her healthy brunette hair and friendly features, she also carried this comforting aroma that reminded me of family.

I looked over to my mum who was still gripping my hand tightly as she smiled tightly at me, before letting go of my hand to show that she was happy for me to leave to have my first therapy session.

To be honest, I really didn’t feel the need for therapy – after having a long heart to heart with my mum I really didn’t want to talk through my emotions anymore; hadn’t I done enough progress for today?

My mum had come back to see me yesterday after her long meeting and burst into tears at the sight of me, showing me a vulnerable side to my mum which I rarely ever got to see. My mum had then proceeded to scold me for my behaviour especially considering as this day was already so hard for her and I had promised her that I wouldn’t put her through this again.

It wasn’t my intention to hurt my mum the way that I had but everything had gotten too much and I wasn’t even in control of my actions and so I wasn’t really sure if I could keep my promise to my mum, but I would at least try to.

I shook my head to rid myself of my thoughts as I inhaled a deep breath before I twisted in my bed and swung my legs over the side of the bed as Liv quickly rushed by my side to help me up. “What did Dr Tanner tell you about not moving too much?” Liv muttered at me as she playfully rolled her eyes at me.

“Getting up from bed hardly counts as excessive movement.” I mumbled in response as Liv helped me up, guiding my arm around her shoulders and encouraging me to lean my weight on her. To my surprise, standing up was more tiring than I had expected and I even stumbled slightly as I got to my feet causing Liv to give me a look that screamed ‘I told you so’.

“We’re just going to walk to the wheelchair, is that ok?” Liv asked me and I knew that she was just trying to be kind but I hated how her question reminded me of the fact that simply walking four steps to a wheelchair was tough for me.

Instead of replying I just nodded my head and allowed Liv to lead me to the wheelchair. Once I was sat down I gave my mum a tight-lipped smile of goodbye before Liv turned me around and pushed me down the hallway and into the elevator.

“How are you feeling?” Liv asks me, trying to make conversation to fill up the silence of the elevator. I frowned as I looked around the elevator, taking in its mechanic box like appearance - I was so emotionally drained that I couldn’t even feel my mild fear of lifts.

“Tired,” I sighed as rolled my head back, “I don’t see why I need to do this.” I added and Liv chuckled behind me causing my frown to deepen.

“Sorry,” Liv apologised for her laughing, “it’s just that that is what so many people tell me, and then they come out an hour later feeling very grateful for the session.” Liv told me as the elevator buzzed, signalling that we had arrived at the floor. Anxiety instantly flooded me as Liv pushed me down the hallway until we arrived at a wooden door with the title ‘Dr Murray’ labelled on the door.

Liv then knocked on the door twice when a soft “come in” was instructed from the other side of the door, causing Liv to open the door and wheel me in. Dr Murray’s office was relatively large with light, calming blue walls. There was a comfortable looking large brown leather sofa aligned against the back wall and another comfortable chair facing it from the side. There was a coffee table placed in front of the sofa with a large fish tank on it with many different types of fish swimming around in it.

“Hi Dr Murray, this is Miss Hartley – she’s scheduled for a one hour appointment with you.” Liv told Dr Murray who nodded and smiled warmly at Liv and I. “Ok Izzy, I will be back here in an hour to pick you up.” Liv told me with a reassuring smile before leaving the room.

“Hi, Miss Hartley – is it alright if I call you Isobel, or Izzy?” Dr Murray asked with a friendly smile. I then noticed Dr Murray’s sharp features, she had almond shaped green eyes and a long, pointed nose with her blonde hair styled in a high pony tail. I would guess that she was in her late thirties but with her warm smile she wore made her appear more youthful and trustworthy, I guess having a friendly appearance must be an important part of her job.

“Yeah, um Izzy is good.” I answered, fidgeting with my fingers in my lap to try to avoid the awkwardness that I was making.

“Brilliant - well Izzy, my name is Dr Jodie Murray but I’d prefer if you called me Jodie to be honest – I’m not a fan of the fancy title, you see.” Dr Murray, or Jodie as she said she’d prefer, introduced as she walked towards me and shook my hand. I internally cringed as for the second time I had shaken my doctor’s hand with my sweaty hands, oh great.

“Ok.” I replied, trying my best to return Jodie’s smile but I knew that it can’t have looked much better than a grimace.

“Would you like to sit on the couch? It’s much comfier than that wheel chair, I promise.” Jodie suggested and I nodded as I carefully wheeled myself over and then got up from the wheelchair and placed myself on to the sofa, my breath hitching at the amount of energy that it took for me to sit down on the sofa – what was wrong with my body?

“So, Izzy how are you recovering from your incident?” Jodie asked me as she took a seat in the chair across from me. I felt my breathing hitch once again and my body tense as Jodie bought up my ‘incident’.

“I’m ok.” I answered, staring down at my lap as I fiddled with my fingers.

“That’s good to hear, would you be ok to tell me what happened on Tuesday?” Jodie asked me and I felt my whole-body flinch as Jodie bought up Tuesday, the one year anniversary of my father’s death.

“Um, I was at the beach and I had an argument with Harry and somehow I went into the sea and then I woke up in a hospital bed.” I replied and Jodie nodded her head, quickly making notes on her clipboard.

Jodie then put her clipboard down and paused before she looked at me. “what is the last thing that you remember before you went into the sea?” Jodie asked me softly and I frowned for a moment, deep in thought and trying to remember what my last memory was from the beach on that day.

I was sat on the sand at the beach after Harry had left and I was thinking about my dad and I remember feeling so broken and worthless and then… I tried to think about what happened after that but I was drawing a blank.

“I was uhm, sitting on the sand and watching the waves.” I replied.

“And do you remember what you were thinking?” Jodie pushed. I then diverted my attention to the fishes that were gliding around in the fish tank, choosing to then focus on one fish that reminded me of Nemo from finding Nemo. The clown fish that I had now named Nemo was darting about in the fish tank, gracefully soaring through the water from one object to another while surpassing may other fishes in its little expedition.

“I was thinking about my dad.” I answered.

“And why were you thinking about your dad?” Jodie probed and I felt anxiety build up in my stomach and slowly rising to my throat as a result, making it feel harder to speak.

“Because it was the anniversary of his death.” I croaked out, my fingers now fiddling with my wrist as I tried to distract myself from the heavy atmosphere in the room that existed as a result of my confession.

“And how did that make you feel?” Jodie questioned, once again, but I frowned – how did she think it made me feel? Like yeah it made me feel fucking ecstatic?!

“Sad.” I replied and looked up to Jodie briefly to find her giving me a look that urged for me to elaborate. “and I guess I also felt kind of lonely.” I expanded and Jodie gave me a reassuring nod but I quickly flickered my attention back to the fish to avoid her eye contact, I didn’t like it – it felt like she could see straight through me.

“Why did you feel lonely?” Jodie asked, tilting her head to the side as she awaited my response.

“I don’t know – I mean my dad was like my best friend and he left me and then I had argued with Harry and I was just alone.” I mumbled, trying to keep my voice devoid of emotion because for some reason I felt like if I let myself then I may crack and break down in tears and that is not something that I do.

“Who is Harry?” Jodie quizzed and I paused, unsure of how to explain who Harry was, he was so much more than any label could ever describe - Harry became my safety, my home.

“He is, or was my boyfriend; I broke up with him yesterday.” I explained to Jodie, not really liking how she seemed to want to talk about Harry, that wound was still very fresh.

“Why did you break up with Harry yesterday?” Jodie asked with concern laced in her expression.

I scratched the nape of my neck awkwardly, fidgeting in my seat as I didn’t really want to answer her question. “I don’t get with what that has to do with why I’m here?” I quipped, beginning to question what the point of me being here was – did she want to help me move on from my dad or something? That is what I had been doing for the past year all by myself so it wasn’t like I really needed her help.

“Ok, the current purpose of this session is to figure out what caused you to go into the sea – I suspect that you were in a hallucination but what is important is to figure out what triggered your hallucination. Quite often it can be a thought or emotion that triggers a hallucination of this kind and so it is important that we break down what happened on Tuesday so that we can understand what may have caused this.” Jodie explained to me and I nodded, what she was saying seemed to make sense but I don’t understand what me breaking up with Harry yesterday has to do with my ‘hallucination’ on Tuesday.

“But what does my break up with Harry yesterday have to do with my hallucination on Tuesday?” I asked in a confused voice.

“Because you were talking to me about how your last feeling that you remember on Tuesday was of you being alone, and so I think the fact that you broke up with your partner the day afterwards is something that should be looked into.” Jodie explained and once again her explanation did seem pretty legitimate – maybe I should stop questioning her integrity now...

“Ok” I answered simply.

“So, do you mind telling me what caused you to break up with Harry?” Jodie repeated her earlier question and I inhaled a deep breath before answering.

“I was too dependent on him and our relationship. I love him too much and it’s not good for me anymore.” I answered, biting my lip at the end to try and prevent the tears from building up in my eyes, why the fuck was I getting so emotional?

Get yourself together Izzy!
“Why wasn’t your relationship good for you anymore?” Jodie pushed and I exhaled a deep breath, this emotional talk was getting incredibly draining.

“Because he wasn’t there for me when I needed him and I couldn’t cope with it.” I confessed and Jodie gave me a look asking for me to elaborate – fuck it. “I needed him on Tuesday because I missed my dad so much but he was with Lucy, bloody Lucy who is just horrible.” I explained and I inhaled a deep breath, before closing my eyes a I continued. “And I couldn’t cope with it, like I couldn’t pull myself together – I just broke. And I know that that’s not right, Harry should support me but I shouldn’t depend on him like that and so I ended it because I shouldn’t ever depend on someone like that – it’s not good for you.” I answered honestly and it actually felt surprisingly good to get that weight off of my chest.

“I have to say, Izzy – you are absolutely correct about dependency, it isn’t good to depend entirely on one person.” Jodie told me with a look of understanding. “Who else do you have that can support you?”

“I have Abby and Andy.” I answered, feeling much more comfortable discussing my two best friends than talking about Harry and my dad.

“And who are Abby and Andy?” Jodie asked me.

“They’re my best friends” I answered Jodie with a smile on my face for the first time since our session had begun.

“Right and how do you feel when you’re with them?” Jodie asked me, making me almost frown at her strange question.

“I feel happy, they make me feel important and valued.” I answered, causing a smile to spread across Jodie’s face.

“That’s fantastic, having a strong support system is really important and your friends are going to be really important in helping you move forward with your life. I would still like to see you for more sessions, but it is very important that you keep your friends close to you; you may need to lean on them.” Jodie told me as she scribbled some notes on her clipboard and then placed the clipboard on the coffee table, to the left of the fish tank. “So, that is the end of our session, I would like to thank you for opening up to me – I know it can be hard to open up to someone who is, to be blunt, a complete stranger, but I can already feel you progressing and that is very good to see.”

I gave Jodie a tight-lipped smile as I heard a knock on the door. Josie beckoned the person inside and I was greeted by Liv who was wearing a wide smile as she looked at me. “Are you ready to go back to your palace.” Liv asked me as she made her way towards me and helped me out of the sofa and into the wheelchair, painfully reminding me of my physical state.

“Yes please.” I answered Liv and I then turned to face Jodie and gave her the warmest smile that I could muster. “Thank you, Jodie.” I thanked Dr Murray and she gave me a kind smile in return before Liv began wheeling me out of the room.

As soon as we were out of the room I heard Liv quip to me, “what did I tell you about feeling grateful for the session, hmm?” I could hear the evident cockiness in Liv’s tone to which I huffed and folded my arms across my chest.

“Whatever, I still don’t need therapy.” I mumbled in response, although the uncertainty in my voice was alarmingly apparent.