You Leave Me With a Dangerous Taste

Don’t ask me. I was a horrible human being. Here I was, leading two people on. No, I was leading eight people on. By messing around with Alex, I was playing with his heart, but also William’s. I was making it seem like I was going to be around forever, to be there for both of them, but I couldn’t promise that. And sleeping with Jack while we were planning our wedding, that was an even harder blow. By letting him down, I was also letting his parents, my parents, and my brother down.

It was burning me out.

All throughout fall, I still juggled both, trying my best to satisfy them both. I really did try, I couldn’t do without either of them. But at one point, I started to see things clearer. I was too focused on balancing them out to fully enjoy it myself. I needed to do something before I lost control.

So, slowly but surely the time I spent with one of them diminished. I knew that I couldn’t keep both around forever, I had to choose the one that understood me the best and knew how to make me feel right. The lifestyle didn’t matter, only the person I would hopefully spend the rest of my life with did. I didn’t care if I lived in a cheap one bedroom apartment or a grand villa with an ocean view. I needed somebody who could support me through this sudden career change and continue to treat me like the person I was. There really only was one who could do all this and I could reciprocate it all.

But I wasn’t that far yet. I was still trying to figure out how to communicate what I was feeling, and I was having a hard time separating myself from the one man I was going to have to leave behind. Being with Alex always felt like a new adventure, which made me feel alive. He was intriguing, he made everything inside me flutter, and he was my escape from the world. Jack, however, was my security, he knew all the cute things to make me feel loved, and he’d been my home for so long.

But only one could be my one true love.

I wanted nothing more than to be able to have both in my life. But that wasn’t a possibility. At least I wanted to have more time to fully figure things out. Yet that also wasn’t possible. It had to happen soon. I was exhausted and literally making myself feel sick, causing frequent headaches.

Or so I thought.

Little did I know that something serious was going on. My stress and guilt weren't making me feel this way, but it was most definitely making it worse. My body was giving me signals that something was going on and that I had to slow down. It wasn’t just psychological.

I decided to go home early from Alex’s one day with a headache that barely let me keep my eyes open. I knew that if I stayed with him, he’d take care of me. But even thinking of another warm human body being close to me made my nausea flare up. Not only couldn’t I stand Alex physically being around me that day, but I also couldn’t do it to him emotionally. All I could do was go home, where I knew I’d be alone until Jack came home a few hours later. I was hoping to have passed out by that time, though.

I entered the pharmacy for medicine to help cure me back to health, but left with a dreading fear. My gut feeling had been screaming at me, telling me to stop being so stupid, that it was all so obvious. It was urging me to realize that I knew what was going on.

I didn’t get to do as I hoped. There was no way I could fall asleep with what I knew. I swallowed some paracetamol to get rid of my headache so I would no longer feel like my head was so heavy, hoping it wouldn’t make everything worse.

I was anxious around the time Jack was supposed to come home. While I should have probably been sitting down with how I was feeling, I was stood up and walking around the house, nerves coursing through my body.

“Pays?” Jack asked, concern evident not just on his face, but also by the fact that he didn’t take time to take off his jacket and kick off his shoes. “Why are you home early?”

I walked up to him, wringing my hands together, feeling restless. “Alex sent me home, I’m not feeling all too great.”

“Oh, no, what’s wrong?” He put down his backpack and started to take off his jacket, but left his shoes on.

“Just a terrible headache and nausea.” I was still unsure what to do. Was I just supposed to tell Jack that I was okay otherwise? Or was I supposed to ask him to take care of me just after I had refused Alex’s help?

“Do you know what it is?” He stepped a little closer to me, not afraid that whatever I had was contagious. “Migraine? Stomach bug? Do you need me to go out and buy you something?”

“No… I-- I just…” I shook my head, so doubtful about everything, and took hold of his right wrist.

With my careful grip, I started pulling him into the bedroom. The curtains were closed from when my headache was at its height, but I turned on the light as I walked past the switch. Jack just let himself be guided without asking any questions. I let go of him when we were in the middle of the room and positioned him towards the bathroom door.

I picked up what I had bought at the pharmacy from the counter and brought it back with me to the bedroom. Jack was watching me curiously while I felt like I was shaking. Before I got too nervous, I handed the box to him, making sure he wouldn’t have to touch what was on top.

His gaze shifted down to what was in his hands, staring at it for too long. Eventually, he picked up the stick and compared it to the back of the box, taking more than a triple take.

My heart was beating loudly, unsure what his reaction was going to be like. I didn’t even know how I felt.

“We… w--... we’re having a baby?” he gasped softly, his eyes falling on me again.

I was more than fidgety by now, both scared yet also surprised how calm Jack was. I was more afraid of myself now. “I think so…”

“We’re really having a baby?” he repeated, still looking straight at me in wonder.

“That’s what the test says…” I mumbled, pointing at the plastic he was still holding.

“Oh my god.” A sappy smile appeared on his face. “No way.”

“I don’t know…”

Still holding the pregnancy test in one hand and the box in the other, he hugged me tightly, catching me off guard. It had all gone so fast, I didn’t know what to think anymore. The day started with me worrying like usual, then I started feeling horrible, later I found out I was pregnant, and now Jack was hugging me tightly. It seemed like Jack processed it way faster than I had. I still hadn’t even fully comprehended the plus sign on the stick.

“Oh my god,” he breathed out, still holding me tight before cupping my cheek and looking into my eyes. “All I ever wanted was to start a family with you. Of course also marry you, but… wow.”

“Really?” I sighed, some relief washing over me yet still feeling uneasy.

“Yeah, when we moved here, I knew for sure that I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life. I knew I wanted to marry you, and I knew that I wanted you to be the mother of my kids. One day we’d get the white picket fence dream.”

“But we can’t even afford to have a baby.” Tears started running down my face. I felt guilty knowing what my final choice was, giving him this false hope. “We can barely afford living here. Especially not if we want to have our wedding.”

“But that doesn’t matter.” He shook his head, trying his best to dry away my tears with his thumbs. “We can push back our wedding, we don’t have a date or any concrete plans yet. You can still work on your music and I’ll quit my job as soon as the baby’s born.”

“Jack,” I sobbed, not able to control my emotions anymore, “you have too much faith in me. You don’t know if this music career will go anywhere. So many people get signed just to fail.”

“But that won’t happen to you! I promise you that. And if it doesn’t work out, that’s a strong if, I’ll take two jobs to support you and our little baby.” He tried to calm me down by stroking my hair. My tears did stop and my breathing started to become a little more even. “Or do you not want to have this baby?”

“No, I do. I just…” I took a deep shaky breath in. “I’m having horrible mood swings already. I’m happy, I promise, just a little emotional.”

“You sure?” he whispered, brushing away the last few tears.

I nodded softly, kissing him on the cheek.

I did want to have kids, I really did. But everything was just too much now.