Diary Of Insanity

~♦~ Jennifer’s Point Of View ~♦~

Yesterday had been the best day of my life with only one set back and that being that after I had my cry fest with Chloe I had to pretend I needed to go to the loo so I could cure my craving and take two of the pills. So when I came out and saw everyone smiling and happy I couldn’t help but think to myself that they honestly knew nothing of the monster I’d become.

But I had promised Blake and Charlie that I would get help at the end of the month once everything was settled and it was that thought which I took comfort in, knowing that I just had to wait it out a few more weeks before I could either make or brake the family I’d just got back.

There was another reason I was scared to ask for help, other than the fact that they had already gone through so much by getting me out of Lakeview that I didn’t want to burden them with my problem, the other reason was much more selfish. I didn’t want them to know because now that I had them in my life, I didn’t want to let them go and I was willing to go to the extreme measures of dealing with an addiction in order to keep them.

It was just mum, dad, Matt and me left now. Everyone else had gone back to Huntington for various reasons. Matt said that the guys had to deal with some stuff for the band and that Val’s parents had asked her to come home early for some unknown reason but before she’d left she’d gone out and advised my mum on some clothes she should buy me so I‘d be more comfortable. Told you she was likable!

But now it was 11:30am and we were all in the car headed for The Heartline Cafe, one place I knew extremely well from my childhood. The drive wasn’t too long, only about twenty minutes, but it seemed longer because of the silence in the car. I’d taken one of my mood stabilizers before I’d left and there was another one sitting in my pocket so I was pretty relaxed.

That was until dad started talking.

“So Jenny how are you holding up on your first full day out in the open world?” he asked cheerfully.

“Pretty good actually.” I smiled weakly but kept my face turned towards the widow since Matt was somehow really good at telling when I was keeping something to myself as I had learned yesterday.

“And how are you doing without your meds, you are okay without them aren’t you?” asked my mum from her place in the front passenger seat.

Tell her! “Yeah I’m doing great, haven’t even thought about them actually.” I smiled again. Damn your lying ass to hell…

Five minutes later and we had arrived, I looked out of the car window and smiled, finally somewhere familiar. I slowly got out of the car and walked around it to go stand next to my mum before we walked into the café.

“So Jenny, where would you recommend we sit?” smiled mum as she pulled her bag up over her shoulder. I bit my lip as I tried to remember which table it was that I used to sit at all the time.

“I’d say over here.” I smiled back as I led them over to the table which I had always sat at with my adoptive family. I sat down in the seat in between mum and Matt and after we got our drinks everyone began looking through the menus.

“Hi there, everyone ready to order?” asked a short, light haired woman as she pulled a pen out from her pocket and held it over the paper, ready to write.

After dinner I couldn’t help but continue to smile. I felt so good to be out of Lakeview and back somewhere I felt comfortable, I felt like I had when I was sixteen years old and didn’t know that Lakeview even existed.

I looked over and noticed my mum was eyeing me slightly, she hadn’t been to happy when all I ordered was the salad and I guess the fact that I left over half of it didn’t make her any happier, she’d been watching my eating habits like a hawk since last night.

After lunch we all got back into the car and headed towards the hotel, everyone’s things were already packed so we had about half an hour to an hour before we were going to start our seven hour drive back to Huntington Beach.

This thought only made me more giddy as I sat on my bed in the hotel room I was sharing with Matt. I was going home. In fact, not only was I going home, but I was going home with my real family.

And no matter how many times I pinched myself I wasn’t gonna wake up, because this wasn’t a dream, it was real.

“Hey do you need in the bathroom for anything?” asked Matt as he pulled open his suitcase to get out some clean clothes.

“No I’m fine.” I smiled back as he zipped the case back up before nodding.

“Alright well in that case I’m going for a shower.” he stated as he walked into the bathroom and shut the door.

As soon as I heard the door lock I quickly jump off the bed and kneeled beside my bag when I heard a noise in the bathroom I froze, scared that Matt would come back out and catch me. But when I heard the water start running I realised that the coast was clear.

So I quickly unzipped the bag and pulled out my comfortable jumper which I had used to roll the bags of pills in. I hastily unrolled it and sat the four little bags in front of me. And with a though of deep hatred towards myself I pulled open the one filled with the pain killers and dry swallowed one.

I sighed and I closed my eyes, sitting there without moving for a few minutes before I opened my eyes again and closed the bag. I was about to roll up the jumper but then I looked at the bag of antidepressants. ‘Just one’ I thought as I pulled open that bag and took one out, also dry swallowing it.

I sighed again and just as I was closing the bag I heard the shower stop. My eyes went wide and I quickly rolled the jumper up before throwing it back into my bag. I pushed myself up off the ground and turned to see Matt walk out of the bathroom.

“What’s up?” he asked, towel drying his hair and giving me a sceptical look.

“Nothing!” I replied ever so slightly too fast. He gave me another look before nodding his head slowly. he so didn’t believe me.