Diary Of Insanity

~♦~ Jennifer’s Point Of View ~♦~

THREE MONTHS LATER

“Oh shut up!” I screamed at Zacky. Yes we were having our first ‘domestic’. I’d stayed over at his house last night again like I’d been doing quite a lot lately and this morning we were planning to go to the beach but when I refused to eat a massive breakfast he’d made because I wasn’t hungry we starting fighting.

“Jen I don’t see why you can’t just eat a little bit more, all you’ve had is half a piece of toast and I saw you last night, you didn’t eat any of your dinner!” he shouted back as he stood on the opposite side of the dining table as I was.

“I told you, I’m not hungry so stop pushing!”

“How, in the name of fuck, can you not be hungry? You’ve been eating less and less over the past month Jen. I’m sick of it, you can’t keep doing this to yourself!” he shouted back and I groaned in frustration, I obviously wasn’t getting anywhere. So I turned around and walked upstairs to go pack the stuff I’d brought over to go back to Matt’s.

“I’m not gonna argue with you Zack, fuck knows I love you too much. But I’m not gonna sit and pretend there is something wrong with me when there’s not.” I said as he walked into the bedroom we’d been sharing for the past few days.

“Right. That’s it.” he huffed and I thought I’d won. That is until I felt a vice like grip on my arm as he began pulling me away from the bed where I’d been packing my bag.

“Zacky, what the hell? What are you doing!?” I screamed as I fought to get him off of me. But it didn’t work and a few seconds later he’d kicked the door to the spare bedroom open and pulled me over to the full length mirror on the wall.

He took off my sweater and threw it onto the bed, leaving me in my jean skirt and bikini top. He then turned me so that my left side was facing the mirror while standing behind me so I couldn’t go anywhere. I turned my head and looked away from the mirror.

“Look at yourself Jen, look at your stomach.” he sighed and pulled my hair away from my face, placing it behind my ear. “Don’t you see how sick you look?” he whispered.

I bit my lip before slowly turning my head around to look at my reflection, I was hideous. I could have counted my ribs if I’d wanted and my hip bones stick out an alarming amount. I fought to hold back the tears.

Whenever someone else had said that I had a problem I didn’t really pay attention, not even the doctor could convince me there was something wrong when Zack and Matt had taken me to the hospital three months earlier. Hell I didn’t even think there was anything wrong when I had to start buying size double zero clothing, but now, seeing the look on his face through this mirror and how concerned he looked, I could see what he was talking about.

I reached my hand down and touched my side which through my eyes, didn’t even look human anymore. I looked and felt like a monster. I Couldn’t hold the tears back anymore and burst out crying as I turned around, wrapping my arms around him as I buried my face into his shirt.

“Zacky, I’m so sorry.” I cried as he rocked me from side to side while hugging me tightly. “I’m disgusting.”

“Shh baby, your not disgusting.” he whispered into my ear. “You just can’t keep starving yourself, okay?” I nodded my head, still not moving it from his shirt. I couldn’t believe I’d ever realised how bad I looked, how was it possible for me to not realise I was this sick?

“I’m sorry I shouted at you. And I’m sorry I said there was nothing wrong with me when there is.” he wiped my tears away and kissed my cheek.

“It’s alright Jenny, I don’t care about that, what I do care about is you not being healthy.” there were a few minutes silence between us before he spoke again. “Oh, and I love you too.” this caught me off guard.

“Wh..what?” I choked out, biting at my lower lip as I felt myself blush. Luckily my cheeks would be red and puffy from crying so he wouldn’t have noticed.

“Earlier you said you loved me too much to argue with me.” he smiled. “well I love you too much to not argue with you.” this made me giggle slightly. I hadn’t even realised I’d said that I’d loved him, but it was the truth. I did love Zack, more than I’d loved anyone else, that’s if I ever did truly love my of my previous boyfriends. It was just weird to know that the feeling was returned.

I turned back around and saw my reflection in the mirror again. It was quite weird to think that my entire way of seeing myself had changed in such a short amount of time but I guess that was just a tribute to how much I cared about Zack and how much his opinion mattered to me.

“Zacky can I have my jumper back, I don’t want to see it anymore.” I said quietly referring to the poor condition of my body. I looked down at the ground again, unable to look at myself anymore and he quickly handed me my sweater from the bed.

“Are you okay Jen?” he asked as he helped put on my sweater again before putting his arm around me, giving me a sense of both comfort and security.

“Yeah, it just scares me is all. How I could go on for so long and not see how bad it looked, you know?” I said quietly, my throat actually hurt from all the shouting and crying I’d done this morning.

“I didn’t mean to scare you baby, I just needed to help but I didn’t know how.” he whispered quietly into my ear and I had to stop myself from giggling as his breath tickled my neck.

“I know Zacky, I know.” I whispered back and I closed my eyes, forgetting about everything that had just happened and just relaxing as I let my head fall back against his chest. “I’m sorry that you’ve had to put up with all of this. The drugs, the eating habits. I really do cause a lot of trouble don’t I?”

“No, you just keep life interesting.” he laughed and I shook my head. “We still oing to the beach?”

“I wanna go to bed…” he nodded before turning around and leading me into the master bedroom so we could lie down. I ended up falling asleep with him lying next to me watching a DVD.