Post Traumatic

(Mike's POV)

"It's been a month since you've passed, maybe less, I'm not sure. Hell, I'm not so sure about anything anymore. I don''t even know who or what I am anymore. And I don't know why you did what you did. I'm sure I'll honestly probably never know why. But the truth is, is that I wish I could have taken your place. I wish I could have been there on that day, in that morning. I wish I could have saved you. It's harder now, because everything that I once had while you were here, is all gone now. My career, my house, my wife. It's all done and over with. Anna left me about a week after you had passed. She said she couldn't take me spiraling down into a 'deep, dark, miserable hole' as she liked to call it and that I needed to get some serious help before I ended up in a situation just like you did. It's probably because I shut her out like the rest of everyone in my life that she became so upset though. But it doesn't matter anymore, she doesn't understand how much you mean to me, she never will, no one really will.

I started writing again though, so it hasn't been so bad I guess. I wrote about you, I wrote about how this has changed everything, I wrote about how I felt and still do feel, actually. I know I can't keep running away from all the problems that are trailing behind me but I feel like it's the only thing that I can do sometimes. I still talk to the guys on a daily basis thankfully. Brad, Rob, Joe, Dave. They all really miss you too, so damn much. And Tali, I still keep in touch with her too and the kids. Anyways, I have to get going before it gets dark. Figured I'd come watch the sunset with you for a while like we used to on tour. I love you Chazzy, I'll come see you again real soon." I place the bouquet of flowers beside the fully decorated grave site that forever holds the remains of my best friend before turning on my heels to leave. I haven't slept in about two days so my vision is slightly blurred from the tears that still hadn't fallen. It hasn't been easy to keep living but I'm trying to make it all workout somehow.

Ana couldn't handle to watch me downward spiral. I don't think anyone really could at this point to be honest. It's all still fresh in my mind. The day it happened, the things we said the night before. I told him I loved him and I meant it. I still do. Chester is my best friend, my brother, there wasn't anyone else I'd rather have spent most of my time with besides him and Ana. But then there was Kelsey. There was always Kelsey. I was just too damn blind and too stubborn to see that she was always there. She was my best friend for so many years and I was devastated when she moved away and ultimately lost contact with me. I know it was partially my fault too. I never made more of an effort to spend time with her when I wasn't on the road. I always gave my time to Ana and she understood that and accepted our relationship. But deep down, I knew there had to be more. I knew that I wasn't ever going to have the chance to tell her, but sometimes, I always wished it was her I was saying goodbye and then coming back home to, not Ana. But she wouldn't feel the same way.

It had been years since I had even spoken to her. I had just so happened to come across a few photos of us from our teens the other day when I was going through photos of Chester and that's what initially sparked the memories. I really wish I could tell her how sorry that I was for all the bullshit that had happened between us. Especially after now. I wondered if she knew about Chester and what had happened. I'm almost positive she did, it was all over the world. Kelsey and him were incredibly close, almost like brother and sister. They spent hours together at times and it was always hard whenever either of the two was having a hard time because sometimes it seemed like there was never a way out. Chester loved Kelsey almost as much as he loved Talinda but out of respect for their friendship, he never spoke on it. I was jealous when I had heard about it but couldn't let anyone else know because of course, I was with Ana. I wonder if she even knew about the funeral or if she knew, did she ever show up? I know Brad still kept in touch with her occasionally so it really peeked my curiosity to know if she had been here and just didn't make her presence known. I really would have loved to see her.

Kelsey had a radiant smile and beautiful dark eyes that always caught your attention as soon as you spoke to her. Her body was littered with curves in all the right places and her hair was always so soft and full. I almost felt guilty for the many times that I had thought about her whenever I was with Ana. There was just something about her that made my heart skip a beat anytime I heard about anything that had to do with her. It all doesn't matter though, because she's probably already taken by someone and I knew I just couldn't waltz right back in like nothing had ever fucking happened. Especially just because of this situation, no one wants to be with someone just because they feel so sorry for themselves. And that's exactly how I've been feeling for my own self, sorry and miserable.

While I continued on my drive home from the cemetery, I couldn't help but suddenly feel the urge to stop and take a look at my surroundings as I started into downtown LA. I parked at a small strip mall before paying for my space and abruptly leaving. I couldn't tell you where exactly I was going, but my legs just kept walking at a good steady pace until I eventually landed in front of a small bookstore. It hadn't been there before, at least not that I had ever noticed. I peeked in the small window casually, seeing a rather large cat asleep in the windowsill and a woman perched at the counter, a cup of coffee and a book in hand. Deciding against my better judgement, I headed inside. The smell of paper and candles was evident in the air as I looked around periodically. "Hello, welcome. Let me know if you need help finding anything." I nod nonchalantly, not really pulling my gaze away from the stack of books that I had currently been staring blankly at. I scan around a bit more, suddenly finding a copy of Ana's book tucked away in a small bookcase, clearly untouched.

I remember when she had first started writing it, I even helped her design the damn cover. "Ana Shinoda, well that needs to be changed now." I mutter bitterly to myself before pulling the book out and taking it over to the counter. I didn't want to seem petty, but I couldn't stand the thought of Ana still having my last name being plastered all over the place after she clearly had left me during one of the lowest and hardest points of my life. "Is this all for you today sir? Ana Shinoda, hmm. I didn't even know we had this in stock." When I eventually bring my gaze up enough to see the woman who was standing behind at the register, my eyes practically broke out of their sockets. It was like I was being haunted by a goddamn ghost. She looked an awful lot like Kelsey and it made my heart start to race as we made eye contact. She had the same eyes, same smile, same voice. Only this time her face an almost sad look to it, like she had been deeply upset over something.

"Kelsey?" I say in almost a whisper, seeing the woman suddenly break away from my stare. "No, sorry. You must mistake me for someone else." I sigh heavily now, before taking out my wallet to pay for the book. "I-I-I'm sorry, you just look a lot like someone that I used to know." I'm stammering over my words now as I try to hold it together long enough to get a closer look at the woman's name tag. "It's okay, I could almost say the same about you though, you look a lot like someone I once knew too. Anyways, here's your book sir. Thank you, have a nice day." Her voice is now rushed and almost panicked as she immediately turns and flees into the back of the store, leaving me to stand there alone with my already confused and broken thoughts. It couldn't be her, it just couldn't be. "Yeah, you too. Goodbye and thank you." I tried to get a better look towards the back to see if I could catch another glance, but it was useless, the door was closed. I immediately headed for the exit, feeling full of regret for even thinking that it was her that I was talking with.

It was only my mind, playing an awful sick and cruel joke on me. Kelsey wouldn't be here, there was no way.