I Was Counting on Forever

“Johanna, it’s Beth. I w- Message deleted. Next message. Hey girl its Ton- Message deleted. Next message. Jo, its Jack, give me a call when you get this. Next message. Hi Johanna, its Tracy. Um. Paul’s landlord called this morning about his apartment. He needs it cleaned out by next Monday. You’re welcome to take whatever you want. Just give me a call and we can setup a time to go by and it get it done with… I know you’re hurting right now and I- Message deleted. No new messages.” Johanna set her bags down on the counter after she walked away from her answering machine and started to unload the groceries she had gone to pick up form the store that morning. The funeral had only been a short three weeks ago and already his mother expected her to be okay enough to go and clear all of his things out of his apartment. She knew she couldn’t face the fact of having to pack everything of his and put them away. She busied herself with putting away all of the cold things away first. She didn’t realize it in the store but now that she was home she took note of All the things she had bought that only Paul would eat, she still hadn’t broken the habit of buying things for the both of them instead of just herself. She quickly turned when she heard the knock at the front door, she opened it and was greeted by her tall skinny friend. “Hey.” She told him as she stepped to the side and let him enter the house. He followed her back into the kitchen and began helping her put away the remaining groceries she had on the counters in front of them.

“How are you doing?” He inquired, he had it a habit to stop by her apartment a few times a week to check on her. Not only was she his closest friend, but he felt he owed that to Paul.

“Not much different than two days ago.” She was short with him, but he tried his best not to take it personal. He knew she was hurting and he knew not expect her to just magically feel okay over night.

“Wanna go to lunch with me?” He asked the girl as he lifted himself to sitting on the countertop that was across from where she was standing.

“I was actually planning on going to Landon’s grave site after I unloaded all of these.”

“Oh, well how about dinner?” He asked, not giving up that easily.

“Yeah, sure. Sounds good.”

“Alright I’ll give you a call a little later.”

“Alright, thanks for stopping by to check in with me.” She told him as he wrapped her in a hug and kissed the top of her head.

“No problem Jo. See you later.” And with that he left her home.

Soon after Jack had left her house Johanna found herself pulling into the parking lot that was on the south entry of the cemetery making her walk over to Paul’s grave. She went there everyday since the funeral, she felt like it was the only place she could go to talk to him and actually feel like he could hear her and was listening.

“Your mother called today. She wants me to help her clean out your apartment. I’m not too crazy about her, but you already knew that… Ben misses you, I haven’t spent much time with him since the accident but yesterday I took him to the park and ran around for close to two hours. He wouldn’t even let me put his leash back on when we headed back towards the car to leave… Jacks been a really good friend since you’ve been gone. I don’t know how I’ll cope when he leaves to go back on tour with the band, I’ll be all alone…. I don’t know how to say this. I think I might be pregnant. You know how I said I wanted a good sized family? I meant with you, not alone. I’m so scared Paul I can’t do this alone…” She began to cry, not that that’s any different than any other day shes been here, she always cries. “I go back to work Monday, I don’t really think I’m ready for it. People act different, like they think I’m crazy, I’m not crazy, I’m just hurting. I’m starting my life over, how do they expect me to act?” She traced the words across his tomb stone, Landon Michael Williams. July 29, 1989 - September 2, 2017. “I think Jack is hurting more than he lets on, only because he wants to stay strong for everyone else. He’s a great friend… The tux shop called to reschedule your appointment that you missed, I had to tell them that you wouldn’t be able to make it in at all, they thought we called off the wedding, I didn’t feel like telling her the truth… Our honeymoon is nonrefundable. I was thinking about giving the tickets to my parents…. I’ve never felt as much hate for one person I as I do for the man that hit you. His mom and dad sent a flower arrangement to the ceremony. It’s not fair that he lived and you didn’t.”