Be All Mine

“So he asked you to marry him?” asked Mark as he sat across from me at a Starbucks' table downtown. I had left Mikey with Matt at his-our house because I needed to tell Mark by myself. I figured it was just the adult thing to do.

I nodded with a blushing smile on my face. “Yeah,” I said. “I know you're going to say it's too early, Mark, but I know I love him and he loves me. So it shouldn't matter.”

Mark laughed sarcastically, his sarcasm stabbing me in the throat as my smile turned to an uneasy expression. “It kind of does, Audrey. It's been a month, just one. I knew I loved you, then, too, but I wasn't about to ask you to marry me.”

Glaring at him, I snapped, “Oh stop being so immature, Mark.”

“How am I being immature? You're the one marrying the dude after a month!” he yelled.

“But at least he's a good husband!” I shouted back, not caring that passersby were staring at and watching us intently. “I waited every night for you to just roll over and tell me you loved me, and you never did! You think I have to expect him to do anything? No! Matt says he loves me more than I get the chance to say it to him, and he loves me more than I believe you ever did me!”

Mark stood up and pointed his finger at me like a parent does to a out-of-control teenager. “Listen, Audrey! I know you may think what you're doing is so intelligent, and cute, and that this guy loves you more than life itself, but when you get left at the door with only the clothes on your back and our, our son, don't come crawling to me unless it's because Mikey asked you to. Got it?”

I shook my head and started to cry. “Mark...You're my best friend, and I love you, but...You're being so heartless, right now. I thought you'd be happy for me. What happened to you? We used to be able to look one another in the face without cringing, and now you look at me like I'm a misbehaved child!”

“Maybe because I loved you, and I realize now that I've always loved you!” he yelled. “But it was you that never loved me back, Audrey. I made a mistake marrying you when you were so young. You didn't know any better-”

“Shut up, Mark,” I said, almost so quietly that I could barely hear it myself. We met eyes. “Just shut up, okay? You act like I told him I wanted to his wife as soon as possible, or something. I'll have you know, your son was asked if it was okay that Matt marry me, and he gladly said yes.”

“Because he's a child, Audrey!” Mark laughed. “He doesn't get what it means!”

“See, if you spent more time with your son, you'd realize that your son knows a whole lot more about the world than you think,” I countered. “He said that, while you may be his blood dad, Matt was his best friend. Mark, Mikey barely knows you and you're his father. What did you expect? That he would say no because he thinks you and I still have a chance?”

Mark looked at the ground and I suddenly felt like I had struck him a low blow. “And we don't?” he asked, looking back up at me.

Shaking my head, I replied, “No. I'm sorry Mark, but you've shown me the real you, and you're not even there. I know you're a musician, and a great one at that, but you're also a father. You can be both, ya know.”

Mark shook his head. “So what now? I get Mikey on the weekends, and we go our separate ways?”

“Not if you don't want us to,” I answered. “I'm still gonna be your best friend, Mark, no matter what happens. But if you can't at least pretend to be proud of me, then I guess we have to do just that. I don't want to look into your eyes and see nothing look back at me.”

He kept looking at me as s light nod showed me that he heard me. “Fine. But I can promise you that I am not going to any wedding of yours. Now, I have to leave. Bye, Audrey.”

I was about to tell him not to end the conversation like that, but I realized there was no happy ending to this discussion, and I followed his idea.

Once I arrived back home, I headed into the living room and found Matt sitting next to Mikey on the large sofa watching Power Rangers, their two heads laying on each others as they giggled to themselves. Matt turned his head and I kissed his lips, trying to get rid of the gross feeling of abandonment that Mark had left me with.

“How did it go?” asked Matt as I shook my head motioned for him to follow me to the kitchen.

When we were alone and I took a seat on the counter, Matt leaned against me and asked, “What's wrong, Audrey? What did he say?”

I sighed. “He's not going to acknowledge the marriage. He says I'm being immature and that I am not paying attention to the real plot going on. He thinks you're just going to use me somehow and then leave me with nothing left.”

“What did you say?” he asked.

“That I wasn't a child, like he believed I still was,” I replied. “Mark still wants to think of himself as the one who brought me to adult life, who raised me to be the most beautiful being ever that he's ever met, and I have to constantly remind him that I am my own person. He...He said that he's still in love with me, and that he can't possibly watch me take the hand of another man besides him. He's my best friend, Matt, and I feel like shit because I told him to basically get a reality check and fast.”

I put my hands over my face and tried to take deep breaths as I felt that abandonment once more. “I realize that I'm the mother of his child and will always be in his heart, but I can't be expected to feel the same for the rest of my life, can I?”

Matt shook his head and wrapped his arms around me. He was warm against my seemingly-freezing body as I shook in every nerve of my body. I was scared to lose Mark, but I wasn't about to lose the real man of my dreams, the one I never thought I'd meet unless this was some Hollywood romance novel and movie. Matt was more than I could have thought up; he was the angel sent down to save me from myself, and I wasn't about to tell him to shove it up his ass and forget about it.

“You don't need to do anything you don't want to, Audrey,” Matt said. “You're a grown woman, whether Mark like sit or not. I believe that all along he's been hoping you'd love him like you do me, and he's just jealous now, not in love. It's just as you said; you're the mother of his gorgeous and talented son, and you'll always have a place in his heart, but you're never going to be his whole heart. Know what I mean?”

Nodding against his chest, I managed and small, “Yes,” and threw my arms around his waist, resting my hands on the small of his back, right above his pants' line. “I just wish it wasn't so hard.”

Matt agreed just as Mikey strolled in the room asked, “Mommy? Why are you so sad?”

Wiping away the couple of tears that had rolled down my face, I answered, “I'm just scared, honey. Daddy said some mean words to me, though he didn't really mean them, and I fear he may have a boo-boo of his own.”

“Like my old one?” he wondered, holding his baby blanket tight against his chest.

Shaking my head, I said, “A little more painful, buddy. Daddy's really sad, because I'm marrying Matt. He thinks that I am trying to, well, trying to get rid of him.”

“Are you?” he asked as I held back my sobbing.

“No, Mikey,” I said. “No. I'm not trying to hurt your daddy, babe. He just thinks I am because I am in love with Mathew. See, when Mommy and Daddy lived together, Mikey, we thought we were in love, but we were...We were just best friends, like you and Matt.”

Mikey nodded. “So you love daddy?”

“Yes, Mikey,” I confessed. “I do. But I love him like you love Matt, not like how I do. You see, Mikey, when people are in love, they'd wait the world to be with the other, and they try to understand one another more and more everyday. Like Matt and me. But when two people just love one another, they care about them and will only point out their, um, bad parts because they want each other to learn. Get it?”

Mikey looked at Matt and then back at me. “Mommy? When I am as big as Matt, will I find a girl just like you? And be in love with her like Matt is with you?”

Smiling warmly, I nodded. “Of course you will, Mikey. And you're going to be the happiest you could ever be in your entire life.”

“But...” Mikey paused and thought to himself quietly. “I am happiest when I am with you, Mommy? Why would I want to be with someone else other than you?”

“Because your mommy is going to help teach you how to be a man like me,” Matt said, turning towards Mikey to pick him up. He held him close and Mikey laid his head down on Matt's shoulder. “You see, when you grow up, you're going to find a pretty girl just like your mom. She won't look like her, or talk like her, but deep down in her heart, she's going to be the woman your mom hoped for you.”

Mikey smiled once more and said, “I want to be big like you, Matt. That way I can get a girl very much like, Mommy.”

Matt and I laughed together and I reached out for Mikey, Matt handing him to me as I wrapped my arms around his small body. I kissed his hair, sweet with the scent of lavender baby shampoo. “I love you, Mikey, you know that. And if I could, I would give you the world. But I can't, because it's not mine to give. So I want to give you something just as special to me, okay?”

He nodded frantically. “What is it?”

I got off the counter and carried Mikey to my bedroom, Matt following in hot pursuit. I set Mikey down on the king-sized bed and went to my closet where my small, antique jewelery box lay at the the back.

Picking it up, I carried it to the bed and took as seat between Mikey and Matt. I opened it up as my hands shook. I was about to show him the only thing I had of my past besides my memories, and I was scared to death of the questions he may ask. Would I be able to answer them? How do you tell a five year old what violated means? Or explain what neglect and aloneness feels like?

“When I was six, Mikey, I was very much in love with making and buying small charms or necklaces like the one I am wearing. But when I was twelve, mommy didn't have too much of a happy life. People close to me were, um, mean. But my great grandma, who was a beautiful woman who was once a jeweler herself, made me a necklace like no other. It's made out of just regular rope, but it holds something much more special than anything else.”

I pulled out the small necklace, the tiny glass vial hanging from its tied knot. It held something only I could truly understand, but I wanted my family to carry it on, as well as its story.

“This tiny glass bottle holds a butterfly, Mikey,” I said, tying it around his small neck. “She captured it in Ireland when she was a little girl, and I want you to give it to your first child when you're a big boy like Matt.”

Mikey touched the glass and asked, “Why is it so special to you, mommy?”

I smiled. “Because she used to tell me that I could someday fly away just like that butterfly. She used to say I could be whatever I wanted to be, and more, and that I would someday change into a beautiful butterfly, too. One day, Mikey, you're going to change and become a handsome butterfly of your own, and you'll leave home to go find a story all your own. And you're going to be remembered just as my great grandma is remembered in this glass bottle.”

Mikey smiled up at me and said, “Will you be with me?”

“All of the time,” I said. “Right in that bottle with great grandma Claudette and your grandma.”

Mikey nodded and excused himself to go play as I turned towards Matt. He smiled and pulled me close, both of us falling backwards onto the bed. “You're my butterfly, Audrey.”

Giggling, I said, “And I hope you're mine as well.”

“You bet your left wing I am,” he said, kissing my forehead and tugging my face towards his. I held the side of his face in my right hand and rolled onto my stomach as I took in the details of his face. He brushed hair out of my eyes and raised his head to kiss my lips romantically, our tongues just barely touching as we did, and I felt the baby kick inside gently.

“When you give birth, we'll get married,” he said, smoothing the palm of his hand across my baby bump. “That way we can get a family picture at the wedding.”

I smiled and kissed his chin. “I'd like that, Mathew. Thank you.”

He smiled and got up, strolling out of the room after saying the only thing I needed to hear then: “Keep flying with me, Audrey, and we'll create out own story.”