True Confessions

Sometimes I just want to be able to stop thinking. The simplicities of death could overcome me so easily.

I hate the struggle of pain, of suffering.

I hate not knowing exactly what's going on inside my head. I want to understand, but I can't. I wish I was more bright.

Sometimes I don't think A's are enough. Sometimes I wanna scream at the top of my lungs and let go so a B wouldn't hurt so much. I'm going to be dead in a few years, mark my words. Things will become so stressful that nothing will matter and my whole brain will explode.

"True?"

"Travis?"

I wanted him to see me strong, less vulnerable. I hate this version of me, broken and cold. Less than what I want to be.

"Are you okay?"

He took my hand, but I pulled it out of his fingers.

"Fine."

"Alright."

He sighed something awful and I couldn't help but wonder what I did to make him look so nervous... Was it my stutter? My uncertainty?

Sometimes I want to run away. Like right now.

I just want ot pull on some shoes and dart away forever.

"You know, you can't hide yourself away forever."

I realized I was on an unfamiliar couch, a warm blanket wrapped around me.

"What am I supposed to do?"

"MOVE ON! You know, there are lots of people who care for you."

"Where do I go Travis? There is absolutely NO ONE who cares for me. I've lost all of that, I'm an outcast. I've come to accept that."

"No you aren't."

"Yes, I am. You and Luke are the only people who have bothered to notice me, I feel locked inside my own skin. I'm sick of these colors, I want a new rainbow."

"What?"

"Nothing, forget it and me, just like everyone else."

I stood up to leave nad threw the blanket off myself. I was on his couch. How had I gotten there?

"How? True, you are so important to me."

"Sure."

"You are! I mean it. True, can't you see that?"

"No."

"Then you're obviously blind."

I felt the blood rush away from my face, the skin turned a pale color in a matter of seconds.

"I enjoy being blind. Reality is boring, if you really think about it."

"True, you are the most stubborn person I know!"

"Exactly. Goodbye."

I left hastily, not wishing anything but to disappear forever.