Hurtful Words

That night as I fell asleep, I sunk into a nightmarish world. I was walking through a warped version of our apartment wearing a black silk dress. My bare feet scraped along the floorboards, slick with ice. As I moved along the corridor to the bathroom in slow motion I noticed a cold, green blue light radiating from beneath the door. I tried to call Ronnie’s name but the worlds rolled around in my mouth and sounded like little more than a muffled moan as they escaped my lips. It took me the longest time to reach for the door and as my fingertips brushed against the handle, it was white hot. The skin on my hand bubbled and blistered as I forced myself to open the door. I cried out in pain. The door swung open and I staggered inside. The tap above the sink was running and water was overflowing onto the floor. As the water pooled around my feet it turned dark crimson. I gasped as I noticed it there and a cold hand touched my bare shoulder. I turned my head, the movement stiff. It was Ronnie. His lips were blue and I found myself reaching out to touch his bare chest. He had no heartbeat. “It’s okay,” he said as he held my hands in his. His fingertips were icy as they grazed my skin. “All I want to do this year is get to know you better and love you more.” I jumped away from him as a pair of paramedics burst through the door. When I turned around, Ronnie was gone. Hanging over the tap above the sink was the heart shaped pendant he had given me. I turned the running tap off and the water around my feet turned black. I grabbed the necklace but it slipped from my hand into the water pooling on the floor. I dropped to my knees, searching for it. “Please be here,” I muttered, splashing through the glittering black water, “Please, please be here.”

I woke up in a cold sweat, tears I hadn’t even noticed I was crying streaming down my face. My breathing was ragged as I pushed my hair back from my face, small beads of sweat forming on my forehead. Without thinking I climbed out of my bed and crossed the corridor to Max’s room, opening the door. “Max,” I whimpered stepping into his room, “Max?” He was sprawled across his bed, fast asleep, still wearing the same clothes he had been when I saw him last. I nudged him gently. “Max?” He stirred, rolling over and squinting up at me.
“Lindsey?” he asked, “What’s wrong?” I shook my head even though he couldn’t see me. I didn’t answer him, simply crawling into his bed beside him. He moved over slightly making sure there was enough room for me. “What’s wrong?” he repeated, wrapping his arms around my waist and nuzzling his head into the nook between my neck and shoulder. As soon as those words left his mouth the tears began again. I couldn’t keep from shaking and Max held me tighter to try and stop it. “Oh, Lindsey,” he murmured, pressing his lips to my temple in a soft kiss. I wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand. Max rubbed my back soothingly until I fell asleep once more.

In the week after Ronnie’s overdose, the apartment went on lockdown. Whenever Ronnie took a breath, Max wanted to know about it. Whenever Ronnie moved to another room, Max wanted to know about it. I had returned to work at the clinic offering to do longer shifts just to avoid having to speak to Ronnie again. I had tried my hardest not to call my Mom while she was away. I didn’t want to bother her on her romantic getaway with Dirk with all of the drama that had been happening at home. But I wanted to speak with her more than anything.

I finished work at seven, earlier than I would have liked, and walked the few block back to the apartment. As I climbed the final flight of stairs to the front door a smile spread across my face when I saw Ashlin, leaning against the doorframe with his hands buried in his pockets. “What are you doing here?” I asked. He jumped slightly at the sound of my voice and a nervous grin crossed his lips.
“Oh, I came to check up on that dinner offer,” he replied, standing back as I unlocked my front door, “It’s still valid, you know.” I shook my head at him, laughing quietly.
“And you couldn’t just call me?” I asked and invited him inside. He shrugged. I offered him a drink but he refused.
“So, about that dinner,” he prodded.
“You’re joking, right?” I laughed. He shook his head. “No, Ashlin. Not tonight. I’m a mess.”
“Come on,” he whined, “there’s this great Thai place like a block away.” I sighed biting down on my bottom lip gently in thought.
“Okay,” I said finally, “just let me have a quick shower.”

Dinner with Ashlin was just what I needed. After what felt like a game of twenty questions I found out he lived in California but would fly out to Vegas every month or so. He had a younger sister called Gabrielle who was just finishing high school and lived with his Dad back in Sacramento. His mom had died when he was thirteen; he worked in Music in Los Angeles and had an amazing apartment in the city. Not to mention he was completely drug free. He made me laugh and I was somewhat disappointed when it neared ten o’clock and Ashlin offered to walk me home. “So,” he said, rocking back and forth as we reached the front of my apartment building. I looked over at him, my cheek brushing against the collar of my coat lightly. “I’m going to ask if I can kiss you,” he said quietly, a nervous smile plastered across his face, “and I’m really hoping you’ll say yes.” I bit my lip gently to keep myself from laughing at him. “Okay,” I said nodding.
“Okay,” he repeated, exhaling sharply, burying his hands in the pockets of his jeans, “so, can I kiss you?” A smile spread across my face and I’m sure my cheeks were turning pink as I nodded at him again. He cupped my face in his hands and pressed his lips to mine. It was different than kissing Ronnie. Ronnie always tasted like cigarettes and his hands were rough. The kiss was quick and over sooner than I would’ve liked. Afterwards, Ashlin stood in front of me awkwardly unable to wipe the goofy grin from his face. “Uh, I’m just going to,” I said motioning over my shoulder at the apartment building, “I’m just going to go upstairs.” He nodded at me and planted another quick kiss on my lips.
“Bye Lindsey,” he said and began walking backwards away from me along the pavement.
“Bye,” I sighed and went upstairs to escape the bitter cold of the street.

Nothing could put me in a bad mood after dinner with Ashlin, not even the sound of Ronnie and Max arguing as I reached the door to the apartment. I swung the door open with a smile on my face and hung up my coat. As soon as I walked through the door, the arguing ceased and both Ronnie and Max looked over at me. “Where have you been?” they asked at almost the same time.
“Out,” I replied nonchalantly, walking over to the refrigerator and looking for something to make for dinner.
“Out where?” Max asked suspiciously.
“Just out.” Max and Ronnie shot each other a look before following me to the kitchen. I pulled some green vegetables from the fridge and set them on the counter next to Ronnie. He pulled a face and stuck his tongue out. I knew how much they both hated vegetables, especially green vegetables.
“She’s been with a guy,” Ronnie told Max, a sly grin spreading across his face.
“And how would you know that?” I asked. I began boiling some water, having to push past Max, who was giving me the most disapproving look I think I’d ever seen in my life, to do so. “It was nothing!” I exclaimed, “He’s just a friend!”
“You don’t have friends,” Max replied, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Gee, thanks,” I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
“Who is he?” Ronnie asked, leaning forward so I could get a spoon from the drawer behind him. For someone who had confessed his love for me only days before, he seemed to be taking this quite well.
“It’s, uh, no one. You wouldn’t know him,” I said quickly, filling a saucepan with water.
“How old is he?” Max asked, clearly not as amused by the situation as Ronnie was.
“Would you guys please drop this?” I begged.
“Sure,” Ronnie replied casually and hopped off the bench, “I’m going out.”
“Ronnie,” Max warned, grabbing him by the arm as he walked past.
“What?” Ronnie whined. I looked between the two of them warily; I didn’t want another argument to break out between them despite how much Ronnie probably deserved whatever Max was going to say.
“You’re not going anywhere,” Max said, grabbing Ronnie’s shoulder and pushing him hard so he sat by the table.
“This is bullshit, Max,” he said, running his hands through his hair. Max crossed his arms over his chest, standing between the chair Ronnie was sitting in and the front door.
“No, Ronnie, what’s bullshit is that you’d risk losing your friends, losing your band,” Max listed off on his fingers as Ronnie hit his head against the table lightly, over and over, “losing your family just to get a stupid fucking fix.” Max looked up at me and I pretended that I wasn’t listening in on their conversation. I poured a cup of rice into the boiling water and started cutting up the chicken I’d taken from the freezer. “I’m not going out to get a fix,” Ronnie growled, looking at Max through his fingers, “how many times do I have to say it?”
“Until I start believing it,” Max shot back. Ronnie laughed bitterly and got up from the table, pushing the chair back so forcefully it collided with the wall making a loud thudding noise.
“Well, luckily for me, I don’t take orders from you,” Ronnie said, getting right in Max’s face before pushing past him to the front door.
“Are you really that fucking stupid?” Max laughed resentfully. Ronnie turned back to face the kitchen, he was absolutely livid. “You know that you scared Lindsey so bad she can’t even sleep properly, right?” Max asked, shoving Ronnie hard.
“Would you cut it out with the guilt trip?” Ronnie replied, regaining his balance. His fist was clenched as if he were contemplating hitting Max, but it remained at his side. “Don’t you think I know how bad I screwed up?”
“No, I don’t,” Max replied, wryly.
“I’m not going to do it again, Max,” Ronnie said, “I promise.”
“You’re not going anywhere,” Max replied sternly.
“Why not?”
“Because I’ve worked too damn hard for this band to let you throw it all away for some stupid little habit you can’t manage to kick,” Max said. Ronnie looked over at me and I cowered into the corner, acting as if I hadn’t caught his eye.
“Lindsey,” Ronnie called and I turned slowly to face him, “can you please tell Max I’m not going to screw up again?” Ronnie was furious, his eyes flashing with anger and red rising in his cheeks. I looked between him and Max, helpless.
“I don’t know, Ronnie,” I said carefully, not wanting to infuriate him further, “Maybe you should just stay here.” Ronnie’s expression softened but only slightly. He didn’t say another word before storming off in the direction of his room, slamming the door behind him. I gave a heavy sigh, I felt as if I’d been holding my breath for the entire conversation. Max flopped down in a seat by the table and I set a plate in front of him. He gave a frustrated growl and leant his head on the table. “Why does he listen to you?” he asked tiredly. I shrugged and served him a large portion of the meal I’d cooked, making sure he got more green vegetables than he would’ve liked. “He likes you, you know,” Max said when I didn't answer him, and picked through the food with the fork I passed him.
“No,” I said quickly, trying to convince myself more than I was Max, “No, he doesn’t.” Max shook his head and rolled his eyes at me.
“Whatever,” he muttered and picked up his plate, disappearing to his room just as Ronnie had.