Passion in My Eyes, Ice in My Veins

I was more than sure that today was going to be the day Matt proposed. He was being ten times more sweet than he has ever been to me since we’ve talked about it, and he kept saying he had a secret. Of course Matt is stubborn and won’t tell me.

I’m pregnant and angry.

Shouldn’t that be reason enough to tell me?

“What are you grinning about?” Cassandra asked as she sat next to me on my bed, handing me the huge bag of Oreos. Yup. New addiction.

“Nothing,” I lied and shoved an Oreo… or two in my mouth.

Cassandra didn’t have to say anything to get me to tell her. She just gave me that ‘yeah right’ look and put her hand on her hip. “I think Matt’s going to propose.” Those words made me grin.

Her eyes widened. “What?! Seriously?!”

“Yeah.” I nodded and smiled. “We talked about it a while ago, and he’s just been super sweet to me since he got home from tour. I don’t know.” Reality hit me. “I could just be looking too much into it.”

Cassandra shook her head and rubbed my back. “I don’t think you are.” she smiled. “I really think he’s going to propose.”

My face lit up. “Really?”

“It sounds like it.” She smiled. “You have nothing to be worried about, babe. He loves you more than life itself.”

I blushed. She’s right. I have nothing to worry about.

I jumped a little, feeling the baby kick. I groaned and put my hand on my belly. “Silly Sanders. Beating up his Mama.”

Cassandra giggled and rubbed my belly gently, stealing one of my Oreos.

“You look really beautiful.” Matt smiled as he looked at me.

I gave him a confused look. How? I’m in grey sweatpants that made my thighs look awfully huge, a shirt that was tight at my stretched belly, and my hair was up in a messy bun. So, I asked Matt, “How?”

“You always look beautiful.” He kissed me. “No matter what.” He rubbed my belly gently and kissed it also.

I giggled and ran my fingers through his hair. “Well thanks.” I blushed as he rubbed my thigh then pulled my legs into his lap.

“It’s so nice to be home,” he said softly as he slipped my shoes off and rubbed my feet gently.

“I’m so happy you’re back,” I admitted. “I was a wreck with out you.”

“You’re a wreck with out food.” He laughed. He stopped laughing when I smacked him across the head.

“You know not to insult a pregnant woman,” I warned.

He pouted. “I’m sorry baby.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I laughed and kissed him, not able to hold back since he looked so sad.

He grinned against my lips and kissed me back happily. His hand rubbed my belly and the other stroked my cheek. When we pulled away, we just looked into each others eyes for what seemed like hours. I missed this so much.

“So, I have something to ask you,” he said quietly as he looked down at my belly, his eyes soft.

My heart immediately started to thump against my ribs. I felt a lump in my throat form, and I had to remind myself to breathe. What if I was wrong? What if he doesn’t ask me? I don’t want to be heartbroken. Just calm down Leslie. Calm down.

“Yeah?” My voice was uneven. I was hoping he didn’t notice.

He sighed, obviously hesitating. That was just another hint.

Matt’s going to propose. Calm down Leslie. OH MY GOD. He’s going to propose! AH!

“Will you…”

Yes. YES!

“Will you be mad if I said I was leaving soon to do play some more shows and meet with record labels?” He looked up at me quietly.

Ouch. I think my heart just broke.

I felt tears sting my eyes as the lump in my throat grew. My heart felt like it just shattered into a million pieces, and my world turned grey. He… He didn’t propose. I was wrong.

“Leslie?” He asked worried, seeing my reaction. “Baby, I’m sorry. I just have to go do these shows. I just found out- Leslie?”

I started to cry. I couldn’t stand to see him. It was just making me feel even worse. I got up and ran, well, waddled, to my room and slammed the door shut, locking it behind me.

I couldn’t believe it. I thought for so long that Matt was going to propose. And he didn’t. Of course. What did I ever do to deserve to get my hopes up like that? Honestly.

It’s not fair.

It didn’t help that I was 8 months pregnant. I was already emotional, and this wasn’t helping whatsoever. He said he was going to propose soon. It’s soon, isn’t it? God. I can’t stand feeling so dumb like this.

What am I going to do now?