The First Cut is the Deepest

When I got back to England, I hailed a cab back to school. I dragged my luggage all the way back to my room. I let myself back into my room with my key card. And when I opened the door, my jaw dropped at what I saw.

"What the fuck?!" I exclaimed as I dropped my bags onto the floor. The first thing I saw when I entered my room was Will and Annabella practically going at it on his bed. Will was on his back in only his boxers, while Annabella was on top of him, in only her school skirt and a bra. I quickly covered my eyes with my hands. "Oh my gosh! Somebody gauge my eyes out!" I said loudly.

"What are you doing here?!" Will asked in a surprised and panicked voice.

"I fucking live here!" I bit back. "Ugh! You know? Fuck it! I'll be back later. Continue fucking or something!" I left my luggage in the room and turned around and left. Why was it that I had to see that right when I got back to school? Great welcome back gift. As I waited for the elevator to take me back to ground level, the elevator stopped at the floor above mine before it finally came to my floor. The doors opened and the first thing I saw was Chris, his hands tucked into his pockets. "Chris!" I exclaimed. He looked up from staring at the ground, a bit startled.

"You're back, Nicole!" he said as he opened his arms for a hug. I jumped into his arms and hugged him.

"Yes, I'm back!" I replied. "And I brought you a bunch of stuff from California!"

"Really?" he asked in an excited voice.

"Yeah!" I pulled away from him as the elevator doors closed and took us to the ground level. "As soon as Will and Annabella stop fucking in my room, I'll give them to you!" I said with a sarcastic smile. He looked at me in confusion.

"What?" he asked.

"Long story." I grabbed his arm when the elevator doors opened and pulled him out. "Let's hang out for a bit!" I dragged him to the cafeteria. I've probably said this before, but this was just one of my favorite things about the cafeteria here. It was always open. If there wasn't anyone working, there was a huge variety of vending machines available for the students. "So how was your family visit?" I asked Chris. He shrugged.

"It was okay. I hung out with some of cousins from Liverpool. How about you? How was California?"

"It was fun. I went trick-or-treating with Eric, my little brother," I said. "He was a pirate," I said with a nod as I bought something from one of the vending machines.

"Cool. So was I," Chris said as he also bought something. I looked up at him.

"You were?" I asked with a laugh.

"Yeah, for my cousins, you know?"

"How old are your cousins?" He paused before he answered.

"My age," he said. I laughed again.

"Don't worry. I won't judge you. I was Where's Waldo this year," I said as I ate the snack I just bought.

"Where's Wally? You were that bloke for Halloween?"

"Wally? In America, he's known as Where's Waldo," I said with a laugh as I patted his arm. "But yeah, I was him."

"Got any pictures?"

"Tons. You?"

"Enough to make you laugh at me for months."

"Perfect," I replied as we both laughed. I glanced at the time on my phone. "Do you think Will and Annabella are done by now?" I asked. Chris scrunched up his face in disgust.

"Eww..."

"Right?" I asked.

"To answer your question though, I don't think so. They can just keep going at it. And going, and going..."

"And going, and going. I get it," I said as I held up my hands to stop him from saying anything more than necessary. "I get it. They're like the fucking energizer bunny then?" Chris nodded. "Disgusting..." I muttered.



After giving them about an hour, I decided that was enough time for Will and Annabella to, you know, finish up. It made me feel gross to even think of saying that out loud. Chris walked me to my room after we finished our snacks and after our catching up talk. I didn't bother to open the door with my key card. So instead, I knocked.

"Just a minute!" I heard Will from the other side. Chris and I looked to each other and gagged.

"I gave them more than an hour..." I muttered. After a minute or two, the door finally opened. Annabella left the room while she patted her hair down.

"Welcome back, Nicole," she said with a small smile as she passed me. She cleared her throat awkwardly and made her way down the hall to the elevator. Chris and I entered the room while Will tidied himself up.

"You should be ashamed of yourself," I said while I shook my head.

"Oh, shut it. Like you haven't done stuff with your boyfriend or something before," Will said. I scoffed.

"Not stuff like that," I said back to him.

"Did you just admit that you're a virgin?" Will asked as a grin slowly crept onto his face.

Aww, fuck...

I thought to myself as I mentally slapped myself.

"Crack a window, you jackass. It smells like sex in here," I commented. Will rolled his eyes, but opened the window above his bed nonetheless. "Chris, the stuff I brought you is right over here," I said as I completely changed the subject.

"You are, aren't you? And how would you know what sex smells like? You're a virgin, remember?" Will asked as he sat on his bed. I scowled at him as I unpacked my bags and threw one of my shoes at him. He laughed and continued to make fun of me. "You are! I knew it!" he exclaimed loudly. "How are you still a virgin? Everyone's done it. Well, apparently, not everyone..." he trailed off with a smirk. I glared at him.

"Oh, shut it, Will," Chris said. Will held up his hands in defense and didn't say anything else.

"As I was saying, Chris, your stuff is here." I grabbed a plastic bag from my suitcase labeled with his name in sharpie. "And I even got stuff for you too, Will. Even though you're such a douche to me," I said as I stuck my tongue out at him.

"What makes you think I want your stuff from America?" Will asked with disgust.

"Uh. Because it's free?" I questioned. I saw him contemplate this.

"Well, that's true," he said. "What'd you get me then?" he asked.

"I got you some candy and stuff."

"That's it?"

"I got you some classic touristy stuff too," I said with a cheeky smile.

"Figured," he said as he rolled his eyes.

"Do you want it or not?" I retorted.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll take it," he said as he reached for the bag labeled with his name on it. I smiled at him as he held it. Even if he didn't like it, Will would have still accepted what I got for him. Aww, how cute.

I should have gotten him pieces of crap and he'd probably still accept it. Damn. Next time then...

I thought as a small smile came over my face. I shook my head to clear those thoughts and continued to unpack my things. "So..." I started. "Did you guys miss me?" I asked with a wide smile. Will rolled his eyes at me while the smile on Chris' face grew.

"I don't know about Will, but I missed you!" Chris said as he pulled me into a bear hug.

"Aww..." I said as I hugged him back. "And you, Will?" I asked, turning to face him after I pulled away from Chris. Will just glanced at me quickly before he looked away.

"Meh. Not really..." he muttered. You know what was the weird thing though? I was actually hoping he would say he did. I guess he didn't though. I clicked my tongue and turned my back to him.

"I see how it is," I said half-jokingly/half-seriously. "Well, I missed you guys," I said as I continued to unpack my things. Just as I was about done with unpacking my things, I found something wrapped in cloth at the bottom of the bag. I looked at it in question and hesitantly picked it up. I slowly unwrapped it, half-expecting it to be a bomb or something. That obviously wouldn't have gotten passed security though. And there would be no possible explanation as to why that would be in my bag in the first place. Instead, I found a small picture album. On the cover was a picture of Eric and my mom. I flipped through the album and each picture had a little caption or description on it. Saying things like, "Our trip to the zoo!" or "Visiting grandma and grandpa!" and other things like that. After looking through all the pictures, there was a little handwritten note on the inside of the back cover. It was in my mom's handwriting.

This is a little compilation of what you've been missing, Nicole. And I didn't want to leave you out of it. So Eric and I made this for you. Eric says hi and that he loves you.
I love you, honey.
Love, Mom.

I traced each cursive letter in front of me. I was missing them already, but after getting this and reading it, I was really starting to get homesick. Just thinking of them made me miss them even more. I took a deep breath to hold back my tears. We both knew the reason why I was here though. Not only was being here helping me get over past experiences, ever since I got here, I haven't cut myself. And that was a good feat considering I got out of a really bad relationship just over two months ago. I sighed as I closed the album, gave it a quick hug, and placed it in the drawer on my bedside table. It was good to know though that they missed me and thought of me. And I started to feel guilty about being here, even though this was good for me. Like I said though, they understood why I was here in the first place.



I woke up the next morning before my alarm could wake me up. For the first five minutes of being awake, I just stared at the white ceiling above me. After those five minutes of trying to keep my dreams as memories, I stretched and threw my covers off me. I glanced at the clock and then over at Will. He was still fast asleep and there was only about forty minutes until class started. I crawled out of my bed and made my way to the bathroom. When I was done and came out of the bathroom, I saw Will was still asleep. I glanced at him and made my way over to my alarm clock. I turned it off before it went off and then turned to Will.

"Wake up," I said to Will. He didn't budge. I walked back to the bathroom and wet my hands in the sink. I went back to Will and sprinkled my hands against his face. "It's urine. Get up," I said.

"You're vulgar," Will muttered when he started to wake up.

"And you're not waking up," I retorted. He grunted and slowly got up from his bed. When he got into the bathroom, I started to get ready myself.

As I finished buttoning my shirt, my head started to feel heavy. I got dizzy suddenly so I sat back down on my bed. I held my head in my hands and shut my eyes.

"Ugh..." I grunted.

"Hey, are you alright?" Will asked as he emerged from the bathroom. I grunted again.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just got a little dizzy. I must be hungry or something," I replied while I rubbed my stomach. I tried standing up slowly. I managed to get up and head towards the fridge without much difficulty. The thing is, when I opened the fridge, nothing looked appealing to me and I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was.

"Well, aren't you going to eat something?" Will asked me as he came up behind me. "You've been standing there and staring for, like, five minutes."

"I don't feel that hungry," I finally said while I closed the fridge door and continued to get dressed.

"There must be something wrong with you if you're not hungry..." Will muttered more to himself than me as he also continued to get ready.

Minus being light-headed and the constant dizziness, everything was fine until fifth period. Since both Will and I had fifth period together, we walked to class together. As we walked up the stairs to the second floor for our fifth period, I felt a huge wave of dizziness and I felt my breathing shorten. Right when I was near the top of the stairs, I felt my whole body weaken and darkness closing in on me.

"Nicole!" I heard someone exclaim. Was it Will? I felt hands grab mine before darkness overtook me completely.



When I came to, I was in a bright lit room. I grunted and covered my eyes. "Where am I?" I asked groggily. I wasn't even sure if there was anyone in the room with me.

"The nurse's office," I heard a familiar voice answer.

"Chris?" I asked as I sat up and squinted my eyes. "What happened?" I questioned.

"You passed out," he answered.

"I passed out? Where?"

"On the stairs."

"On the stairs?! What the heck? How the fuck am I still alive now?"

"That's the thing, Will caught you," I looked at him in shock.

"Will did?"

"Yeah. Don't you remember walking with him to class?"

"Yeah, I remember that, but I didn't think he'd actually catch me," I said. Chris chuckled.

"Well, he did. And you're lucky too. You could have died." I smiled at him.

"I didn't though," I said with another smile. Chris smiled back at me as the nurse came to my side.

"How are you feeling?" the nurse asked. I shrugged.

"A little tired," I said.

"Oh, that's expected. Did you know that you have iron-deficiency anemia?" she asked me. I nodded.

"I knew," I said.

"Are you taking any iron supplements for it?"

"I actually ran out. I haven't been to the pharmacist to get more yet, so I haven't taken them in a while."

"How long?"

"A few weeks," I said sheepishly. She clicked her tongue at me.

"You have to get more, Nicole," she said.

"I know. I'll get more as soon as I can," I said.

"Okay, just make you take them as soon as you get them." I nodded. "Until then, just rest and eat foods with high fiber like red meat, beans, dark, leafy greens, you know?" I smiled.

"I know. I've had this conversation with my doctor before."

"Okay then. Now, I don't have to explain everything to you," she said with a smile. The nurse took my blood pressure and whatnot and after about ten minutes, she said I could leave. She wrote me an excused note so I didn't have to go to class for the rest of the day. Chris being the awesome person he was, got an excused note for his next class period to walk me back to my dorm room.

"Where's Will?" I asked Chris as we entered the elevator at the dorm building.

"He's in class."

"Oh," I said. I was slightly disappointed, but I wasn’t sure why.





Damn yankee. She made me late to fifth period with that little stunt or whatever you'd call it. The nurse told me she had iron-deficiency anemia. Really, yankee? You didn't bother to let us know that you had that and that you could pass out at any moment from lack of iron supplements?! Bloody hell! You nearly died, pulling me along with you!

Okay, yeah, maybe she didn't exactly pull me along with her as I caught her instead. Still though. We could have gotten hurt nonetheless.

You know what was the scary part though? I was actually worried about her. Yeah, I know. I should be stabbed in the eye for thinking that. I was worried enough to actually say her name. That was something I hoped I would never do again. To be honest though, I couldn't help it. If this happened to anyone else, sure, I'd be worried. I don't know about the yankee though. Maybe it was because she was my roommate and I would eventually be going to have to start worrying about her, but this felt completely new and different to me.





After Chris dropped me off at my room and left to go back to class, I ate some food before I crawled into my bed to sleep.

When I woke up a few hours later, I found Will on his bed, doing his homework. He glanced at me as I stretched in my bed.

"You're awake," he stated.

"Yeah, I am," I replied.

"You snore," he said nonchalantly. I stared at him for a second or two.

"I do not," I replied in slight shock.

"Yeah, you do," he said without even a glance up at me. I glared at him, but didn't bother to reply to him.

I got up from my bed and used the bathroom before going back to my bed. As I tried to get comfortable again, Will got up from his bed and headed towards the kitchen. I watched as he filled up a clear glass with water and then walked back to his bedside table. He grabbed something from the drawer before he turned towards me and tossed me what was in his bedside table. I caught it before it hit me in the face.

"Here," Will said as he placed the glass of water on my bedside table. "Take those." I glanced at what he gave me. I read the small bottle. It was iron supplements.

"How did you-" I started.

"I'm the one who took you to the nurse and she told me you had iron-deficiency anemia. So I went to the chemist after school."

"How did you know how many milligrams I needed?" I asked.

"I saw the empty bottle in your bedside table drawer, so I got it over the counter."

"Oh wow. Thanks. It's good to know you care about me, even though you did rummage through my shit," I said with a goofy smile.

"Shut up," he said as he sneered at me. "Just take your pills," he ordered. I giggled and tried to open the small bottle. Of course I couldn't open it myself at the moment, so Will grabbed the bottle from my hand and opened it himself before giving it back to me.

"Thanks," I said before I took two pills out and swallowed them down with the water. He grunted in response as he took the empty glass from me and took it back to the kitchen to put it in the sink. He walked back over to his bed and sat back down to work on his homework. "Really, Will. Thanks. For the iron supplements, the water, and for catching me earlier. I could have gotten really hurt, or worse. So really, thanks," I said, staring at him as I laid down on my side facing him. He was quiet for a few seconds as if he was deep in thought because of his studying. After a few more seconds though, he finally replied.

"Just... don't scare me like that again," he said. I stared at him in shock before I smiled to myself.

"I won't. I promise." He didn't reply after that and instead worked on his homework. I glanced to his bedside table and only then did I notice a letter on it. "What's that?" I asked.

"What's what?" he asked nonchalantly.

"That," I said as I pointed to the letter. Will looked up and saw what I was pointing at.

"Oh," he said in understanding as he turned back to his homework. "It's just a letter from a friend from my primary days. He's living in California now and he wrote to me, wondering how I was," he explained.

"And he didn't bother to email you instead?" I asked. Will shrugged.

"He's old fashioned, I guess," he said.

"Oh," I said with a pause as I thought about what he said. "Whoa, wait. Back up. Friend? California? There are so many things out of place with that," I said.

"Ha-ha," he laughed dryly.

"What's his name? Maybe I know him."

"I highly doubt you know him."

"How would you know?"

"Do you know a Scottish bloke named Scott in California?" he asked as he turned to me. I couldn't help but giggle at that.

"He's Scottish and his name is Scott?" I asked as I laughed.

"Yeah, his parents are bloody weird," Will said.

"To answer your question, no, I don't know him. I would have remembered him," I said with another giggle.

"See?" he said as he turned back to his homework once again. "Enough of that. Now, go back to sleep," he ordered me. I rolled my eyes at him.

And you know what I did instead of going back to sleep after that? I stared at him while he studied. Yeah, I know, I was being creepy. I couldn't help it though. Will wasn't always the nice guy so it was a new sight to see him this way. It was as if I saw him in a whole new light. He wasn't just a cold bastard, but he had feelings and he cared for people he didn't even really like. And not only was he nice about this situation, we even had a legitimate conversation.

As I continued to stare at him, I started to get that weird feeling in my stomach again. I wasn't exactly sure what it was yet, but it felt all too familiar to me. And the thing was, this all too familiar feeling wouldn't go away. To be honest, it was starting to scare to me. Sure, I admit, I was attracted to him from the very beginning, but that was mostly because of his good looks. His personality and the way he acted towards me totally turned me off. Since he did nice things like this to me though, I couldn't help but like him as a person now. Not that I'm admitting that I like-like him like that or anything, but... I was more comfortable around him now.

While staring at Will and thinking things through, I realized that even though I came to England to start fresh and possibly find love or something, I didn't really want love at the moment. It just didn't seem to be in the picture right now. I was content just being alone. As thoughts ran through my head though, I started to think of what would happen if I did find someone I liked. What would I do? What would happen next? Would I start cutting again because maybe they hurt me? I shut my eyes as I finally rolled over to the other side. As corny as it sounded, the only thing to help me stop thinking of those thoughts was to think that only time could tell what would happen next.