Spiral Static

I threw a Cheeto at Edward. It bounced off of his nose, leaving a small orange smudge in its wake. He ignored me, so I threw another.

“Stop that,” he muttered, batting it out of the air before it could hit him.

“Stop what?” I asked, nonplussed ... except not really.

“You’re littering.”

“Cheetos are biodegradable.” I frowned. “I think.”

“Nothing in nature is that color, Bella. Pick them up before you destroy the local ecosystem.”

I smiled as I bent down to retrieve the offending items from the dirt trail, happy that I had successfully riled him. Anything was better than the dejected silence he’d fallen into. We were in Switzerland. Ironic, that. The first place we’d fled to after the incident in Paris had been the place I’d once declared myself to be only last year: Neutral.

The town was on the map. If you had a very, very good map and a magnifying glass on hand. We were in a small valley overflowing with ancient trees, surrounded on all sides by mountains that were still capped with snow despite the time of year. The valley was green, flush with flowers and wildlife. The air was warm yet somehow cool and crisp at the same time. Like a perfect spring day when it wasn’t even springtime yet. I absolutely loved it.

There was a single road in and out – and a precarious one at that. It was a perfect refuge. Edward probably thought we were untraceable, but I think we both knew better deep down. We didn’t plan on staying more than another day or two anyway. Edward seemed strangely well-acquainted with the small town. He even nodded at a few of the townspeople as if he’d met them before. However, no one had approached us in greeting.

There was a single inn with a handful of small but tidy rooms for the daring hiker or fisherman that wandered into the area. It was a simple two minute hike to a small restaurant that was positioned beside the turquoise, fairytale-esque lake. Their menu was straightforward and right up my alley. They were the ones that had sold me the Cheetos, much to Edward’s dismay. Of course, he had been all about the dismay ever since Paris, so that wasn’t anything new.

“Are you ever going to cheer up?” I asked him as I carefully maneuvered the trail back to the inn.

Edward followed a step or two behind me, sniffing the orange bag of snacks he had taken from me suspiciously. “No.”

“I got over it. Why can’t you?”

It was true. Three days after the Paris incident – or rather, three days of me absolutely freaking out, constantly looking over my shoulder, and making myself miserable – I had an epiphany in the shower.

If I got my way (emphasis on the word if) these were going to be the last days I would ever spend with Edward as a human. That was something we were never going to get back. It was something I wanted to remember, to look back upon with a smile. The vampire leader who had kidnapped us had called it a wedding gift. As terrible as he was, the jerk had a point. It made sense to take advantage of the time. Sure, I was still afraid. But as the date grew closer – only ten days left now – my resolve only strengthened.

Unfortunately, Edward’s resolve had strengthened, too. Unreasonably so.

The bag crumbled in his fist. “I hate it when you make light of this,” he said through clenched teeth.

I shrugged a shoulder. “And I hate that you can’t. It’s better this way. Trust me.”

“How can you say that?”

“I’ve made my choice. It’s already done. Why not enjoy the time I have left? I’m not afraid anymore.”

“Not afraid? If that’s the case, you’re an idiot.”

“Hey, I’m not the one with orange Cheeto dust on my nose, am I?”

Edward swiped at his face self-consciously.

“You know, it’s really up to you how you want to do this, Edward. You can either be miserable and miss out. Or you can suck it up and be happy. No pun intended.” I snorted irreverently, putting a hand on my stomach. “Get it? Suck it up?”

“Uggh,” he lamented. “I want to find a piece of tape and put it over your mouth.”

I was undaunted. “Charlie taught me Morse code. I could tap out messages to you all day with my feet.”

Edward stopped walking, turning to look down at me slowly. He was fighting it – fighting it with everything he had – but I could see a smile threatening to tug at his mouth. I smiled up at him to encourage it. His eyes softened upon my face. I could see him pulling out of the haze, inch by painful inch. Putty in my hands.

He reached over, oh so hesitantly, to brush a strand of hair away from my eyes. “I could tie up your feet, too.”

I leaned into his touch. “Uh-huh. But you haven’t said anything about my hands yet. I’ll just take the tape off my mouth and untie my feet when you’re not looking. Elementary, really.”

He smiled down at me – finally, a real smile – but it was sad and reflective. “You brave little girl, you,” he whispered, touching the planes of my cheek.

“Well, it’s really not that complicated. If I have tape on my mouth but not my hands, I can–”

He effectively shushed me with a finger placed over my lips. “You know what I mean, Bella.”

I stared up at him, my own gaze softening. He was doing that thing with his eyes that made me melt so effectively into a puddle. Dazzling me. “I’m not that brave,” I whispered back.

“Of course you are. Always trying to be so strong, even in the midst of a nightmare.” He sighed, resigned, and shook his head at me. “And there it is again. I can’t get it away from it. How do you do it, Bella, when no one else can manage it?”

“What?” I asked, mystified.

Again he smoothed my hair back, tracing his hand down my cheek and neck as if he were framing my face. “You can just look at me and lift me up when I’m at my very lowest.”

I flushed, my cheek burning against the coolness of his hand. “I was going to ask you the same question.”

He put his hands on my shoulders and stooped to kiss me. It was almost shy, hesitant, as if he thought he might break me at the slightest touch. I stayed very still in his arms and let him drop feather soft kisses on my mouth. “Are you going to cheer up now?” I whispered against his lips.

“No. Hold still.” And then he was kissing me for real, with the sort of urgent sadness that made me reminiscent of his infamous goodbye kisses. He’d been doing that a lot lately. I let him, content with what affection he offered me.

In the distance, I heard a distinct giggle. Muffled, far away, but definitely audible. A tree branch snapped.

Edward didn’t appear to notice. Strange, that. I pulled away from him, my ears prickling. “Did you hear that?” I whispered, gripping his shirt in my hand. “I think someone’s out there. I’ve been hearing noises like that since we got here.”

The corner of Edward’s mouth twitched. “You’re always more perceptive than I give you credit for.”

“Well, come on now. I’m not stupid. Ever since Paris, I’ve been a little more aware of what’s going on around me. You don’t sound concerned. Don’t you hear it?”

“Of course I do.” Edward glanced behind us indifferently. “They’re not being very subtle about the following, are they? I suppose they’re not really trying. You’d never hear them if that were the case.”

I stared at him, poised to run.

“Oh, please, Bella. Give me a little credit. As if I was going to bring you here with just me to protect you. Or bring you back to Forks where they’re probably watching, waiting for us to run home with our tails tucked between our legs. Have you even noticed what kind of car is parked outside of our inn?”

I bit my lip. I had noticed it. It was rather hard not to notice something that big, red, shiny, and out of place. “It is a little...”

“Ostentatious?”

I stared up at Edward. “Your family is here?”

He nodded. “All six of them. We also have several allies in the area that have been alerted if we need help. That’s why I chose to bring you here. I requested that they all give us a bit of privacy. I have to keep some semblance of normality, don’t I?”

Normally, I would have been upset. I would have argued until I was blue in the face. I hated to be fussed over. But I wasn’t stupid. After the terror in Paris, sitting alone in that horrible hotel room without anyone to go to for help, the idea of being surrounded and protected was incredibly comforting. “You should have told me. I would have slept better knowing.”

“Well, now you know.”

I stared into the distance, into the thick copse of wood that hid them from my view. “Are they all out there following us?”

“Just Jasper and Alice. They’re walking back from hunting.”

“Should we wait for them?”

“Did you miss the part where I said I requested privacy with you?”

I blinked at him. “Can I at least say hello to them?”

He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. “If you must.”

Narrowing my eyes, I cupped my hands over my mouth like a megaphone. “Hi, everyone!” I shouted into the forest.

“Hi, Bella!” came Alice’s chipper voice from far in the distance. “I’m glad you’re not dead!”

“Thanks! Me, too!”

Edward shook his head despairingly all the way back to the inn. I thought it might come right off. When we were alone in the room, I asked him, “Can we talk about this, please? I know you don’t want to, but I have a lot of questions.”

“About what?” he asked, his back turned against me as he searched for something in his suitcase.

I sat down on the bed and studied his profile. “About what happens when you turn me.”

He turned slowly in my direction with that look on his face that clearly said, You did not just bring that up again. But he didn’t punch a hole in the wall. I considered it progress.

“About that,” he began, his voice taking on a quality I knew all too well. “I’ve been doing some thinking.”

I could see where he was going before he took the first step. He was, after all, Edward. The little schemer. “No,” I said flatly. “No more thinking. You’re not going to figure out a way to weasel out of this.”

“Hear me out.”

“I’ve already made up my mind.”

He slammed the suitcase shut, then spun around to glare at me. “I don’t have to give you a choice, you know.”

“What are you going to do?” I scoffed. “Hide me in a box forever?”

“Not a bad idea. I could care for you well enough. Cut a little air hole for you. Maybe get you a hamster wheel for exercise.”

“You’re funny.”

“I’m not laughing.”

“You promised me. I married you!”

“I’m not above breaking a promise. I love you, Bella. I would do anything in the world to keep you safe. Anything. ”

“Then I’ll find someone else do to it, then. Carlisle is around, you said?” I dug my cell phone out of the pocket of my jeans.

I blinked, and Edward was suddenly right in front of me with my wrist in his hand, held in his iron grasp. To say he was furious would have been an understatement.

“Don’t. You. Dare. ”

I glared right back at him, fearless, then calmly reached over and took the cell phone with my free hand.

“Bella. ”

“I am not your dog, Edward,” I bit out. “You cannot just call out my name and expect me to heel. I’m your wife, which was all your doing in case you don’t remember. Now let go of my wrist.”

I think the heat behind my words must have shocked him a little bit. Because he did just that.

Free from his grasp, I marched out of the room, livid, not knowing where I was headed. I gasped when I turned a corner and saw Alice standing there in the doorway of another room. She already had the door open, waiting for us, a knowing look on her face.

“I’ve already gathered everyone together,” she told me. “Don’t worry, Bella. He’s got to go through this. I promise this is the last time.”

***

“I could take her somewhere safe,” Edward argued. He was the only person in the room in motion, pacing furiously back and forth in the cramped place. “There’s got to be somewhere they can’t find us.”

“There isn’t,” Emmett interjected helpfully.

“You can’t know that!”

“I can,” said Alice. “Edward, let me make this quite plain. If you defy these people and take Bella away, we all die, one by one. They’ve unblocked my visions. I’ve seen it all play out in my head.”

“This was already decided long ago, Edward,” Carlisle gently reminded. “Bella has already made her choice and asked that we back her up.”

“They used me to frighten her and force her into compliance. She’s not equipped to make the right choice.”

“The hell I’m not! Stop talking about me like I’m not here!”

“Wow, would you listen to her. Edward’s finally got a proper leash on.”

Snickering sounded around the room. Even Rosalie smirked a bit, quietly amused. She was the only one in the room who hadn’t engaged in the arguing. She stood with her arms crossed over her chest, watching the proceedings in silence.

“Everyone please,” said Esme in her soothing voice. She was sitting on the bed beside me with her arm around my shoulders. “Have a little pity on Edward. This is very hard on him.”

“I lost my ability to pity him two hours ago,” said Alice, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah. He’s just whining now.”

“Emmett...” Carlisle said, quietly scolding.

The mood lightened inexplicably at that moment. Everyone turned to look at Jasper.

“What?” he asked nonchalantly. “The yelling was hurting my ears.”

No one could really blame him. The arguing had been going on for the better part of two hours, and Edward was as stubborn and unrelenting as ever. He actually seemed to think the decision was really in his hands in the first place. Mind reader or not, he didn’t fully grasp that everyone was only going through the motions of arguing to let him work through it.

“Edward,” I said evenly. “I’m doing this with or without you. The choice is up to you whether you want to be a part of it.”

Edward looked at me hopelessly. And then he suddenly smiled. Shaking his head, he growled through clenched teeth, “Stop it, Jasper.”

“Oh, come on,” said Jasper, throwing his hands up. “We all know whoever’s side the women are on, they’re going to win anyway. Let’s be happy and give it a rest, yeah?”

Nods of agreement all around. The younger vampires began filing out of the room.

“We’re not through! I’m not done here!”

Carlisle stood up, and everyone stopped dead. “Yes, Edward, you are. Now this whole family cares for Bella just as much as we care for you. You’re asking us to lose not only a son and brother, but now a daughter and sister, too. That is unacceptable. I’m disappointed in you, Edward, when you’ve already given your word to Bella.”

Edward hung his head. “I love her too much, Carlisle. I don’t think I could ever bring myself to hurt her.”

“I know, Edward. It’s all right. Let me take this burden from you.”

And then Carlisle turned and looked at me, so beautiful and strangely huge to me at that moment. I froze, suddenly terrified. Whoa whoa whoa now? my mind squealed. I hadn’t been expecting to jump right into it.

“Don’t be afraid, Bella,” he said, reading my body language correctly. “I’ll do it now, if you want me to. We’re in a remote place here. A good a place as any. I don’t know if Edward is going to cooperate, but you and I understand each other, don’t we? We both want the family to be safe.”

Edward stiffened, eyes ablaze, his hands balled together in little fists.

“I do want the family to be safe,” I whispered to Carlisle. “Thank you for supporting me, but Edward isn’t ready yet. We still have ten days.”

Carlisle turned to Alice. “Will they be left in peace until the time runs out?”

“Yes,” Alice said with a nod, though she sounded distracted. She was standing beside Edward, looking anxious as she tugged on his sleeve. She appeared to be speaking with him silently, pleading her case regarding something.

“All right then, Bella,” said Carlisle. He touched my face affectionately. “But you must understand, I’m going to insist upon it when the time is up.”

“I understand,” I said, my voice shaky. “Thank you.”

“Edward, I trust you’ll behave yourself after we leave. No broken furniture tonight. The people in this town don’t have much. All right, everyone. That’s it.”

We had been dismissed from the impromptu meeting, but I couldn’t move. Edward was glaring at me, planning something. I could see the wheels turning in his head. The look in his eyes could have reduced me to cinder.

Alice interceded. “Edward, please. Don’t do what you’re thinking about doing. Just listen to me, okay?” she begged. She gripped him by his forearms and locked eyes with him. No words followed.

Edward’s face became clear, the lines of tension smoothed.

I have no idea what kind of vision Alice shared with Edward in that silent moment. All I know is ... it changed everything.

***

Edward went hunting after the meeting with his family. Alone, presumably to indulge in a lot of pouting and brooding while he killed something. Hopefully he didn’t plan to continue plotting, though. I waited for him in the hotel room, lying on the bed, engrossed in my thoughts.

I thought about his behavior and what was at the root of it. I knew it wasn’t that he disliked the idea of spending forever with me, but sometimes the heated rejection still stung a bit. The truth of it was a bit more humbling, and I had to repeat it to myself over and over to fight back those feelings of rejection when they crept up on me.

The truth of it was this – Edward loved me so much that the idea of destroying a part of me was absolutely unacceptable to him.

I wondered if he could ever actually bring himself to do it. The way his face had changed when Alice had showed him that vision ... it made hope spring in my heart. As much as I cared for Carlisle, I wanted Edward to be the one to do it. If it was going to happen at all, that was the way I would have it.

The curtains barely moved as Edward slipped through the open window soundlessly. He looked enormous there, looming in the corner. Dangerous. Fresh from a hunt. I gulped, wondering what fight he had in store for me next. But he only tugged off his outer sweater and let it fall on top of his suitcase. He crawled onto the bed and toward me, all the way over until he was on top of me. But he didn’t lower himself. He held his body above mine with his knees and a hand, smoothing my hair back from my face with the other hand. I relaxed underneath him, coaxed by his gentleness.

Edward stared down at me for a long time before he spoke. “I won’t say anything else,” he whispered, his breath fanning my face. “I promise.”

I blinked at him, mystified with the abrupt one-eighty. “What did Alice tell you?”

His jaw tensed as he obviously tried to decide if he wanted to share something with me. “Just ... how things will turn out. In the end. If I decide to be patient.”

I could tell from the look on his face that he wouldn’t tell me more than that. I just had one question. “Good?”

He nodded, his expression still grim but calm.

That was comforting to me. “I wonder why Alice didn’t speak up sooner.”

“Because she could see that I had just decided that I was going to steal you away tonight.”

I bolted up until I was nose to nose with him. “You wouldn’t have...”

“Oh, wouldn’t I?” He gripped my shoulders and eased me back onto the bed, stretching out his body next to mine. “Calm down, Bella. I said I would stop. Just ... stay with me here for a little while. I want to hold you, look at you.”

Our heads were on the same pillow, our faces so close that if I leaned over an inch, I would be kissing him. We stared at each other, unblinking, breathing each other’s breath. “You understand why I’m like this, don’t you?” he asked. “Why I fight so hard against you sometimes?”

I answered without hesitating. “Because you hate not being in control of what happens to me. You hate the uncertainty. It frightens you.”

“No...” he said slowly, eyes narrowing at me. “It’s because I love you, Bella.”

“Yes. That, too,” I allowed. “But Edward, just think about it for a second.”

He did, and I watched it slowly dawn on him. “I really hate it sometimes when you’re perceptive.”

“You are in control, you know. You realize that, don’t you?”

He chuckled – a sharp, bitter sound. “Not really, no.”

“You think you’re not. You think you’re so weak, that your resolve could shatter at any moment. You hold back in everything that has to do with me. You held back when we first met. You hold back when you make love to me. Even when we do little things, like kiss or hold each other or even try to talk. Even then you’re always hiding things and not telling me the whole truth. I can feel you, so tense all the time. I know you’re afraid of hurting me, but isn’t your first instinct always to protect me instead? First and foremost?”

His face was expressionless. “Depends on the day.”

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. “Oh, please. You can say all you want on that particular subject, and I’ll never believe you. I’d be dead already if you weren’t stronger than that. I’ve never seen someone fight so hard against everything they are. You, Edward Cullen, are simultaneously the strongest person and the biggest coward I have ever met.”

“Thank you, Bella. That’s very sweet of you to say.”

“I’m serious. You’re a coward because you shrink away from everything, not realizing that you’re already capable of dealing with it. I think the cowardice would take care of itself if you acknowledged your strength. You’re just afraid, is all.”

“You think too much of me,” he whispered, closing his eyes, shutting me out.

“No. I’m just on the outside. I can see you more clearly than you see yourself. And Edward? This ... thing that’s going to happen to me in ten days? We’re in control of it, too. Together. We’ll make it all right. We’ll make it a good thing. I love you so much, Edward. I don’t tell you that enough, do I?”

His eyes cracked open to look at me. “Only every time I hear you say my name, love.”

Overcome, I covered the small distance between our lips and kissed him. It took him a moment, but he opened himself up to it, letting me guide him and show him what I wanted. I began to coax him out of his clothes and let him take his time when he removed my own. I think he must have kissed every inch of me before he was finished, whispering how beautiful he thought I was and how much he loved me, every inch of the way. By the time he was done, I had no bone structure left. I was mush on the sheets.

Somehow I managed to reach around his neck and guide him over me. He was hesitant, but to my relief, he complied and let me wrap my thighs around his narrow hips, straddling him from underneath. I never would have managed it if he’d fought against me. It was a position we hadn’t been in since our first night together. Missionary, they called it. A ridiculous name for it. There was nothing old fashioned, boring, or reminiscent of missionaries about it. The connection Edward and I had felt that first night – bodies pressed so tight together, chest to chest, lips barely touching – I wanted to get that back again. We needed it.

“I don’t like it this way,” Edward protested. He was lying for my sake. He liked it a lot. “I’m too heavy for you. I’ll just bruise you again.”

“Shhh. No, you won’t. Not if we take it slow.”

Forehead pressed together, eyes locked, we made love. It didn’t hurt anymore. I wasn’t shy or afraid. Just captivated. Dazzled. We took our time about it – all smoothness and velvet, soft kisses – nothing desperate or urgent to fight against. My climax wasn’t as intense as the times before, but it was good all the same. Just a centered moment of peace, of rightness, as all the tension seeped out of my body. It was perfect.

Edward tried to pull away from me then, poised to deny himself his own release. I was ready for him. “Don’t,” I growled, “even think about it.”

He stared at me for a second, momentarily stunned, then gasped my name when I squeezed my muscles, straining against him with all my strength. It didn’t take much for him to go over the edge. I think he’d already let himself go too far to begin with. He climaxed, long and hard, his face pressed into my neck.

I froze beneath him, anxious. For a split second, I thought he was going to bite me and change me over right then and there. I would have let him, though it didn’t feel like the right time. But instead of piercing teeth I felt his lips, soft and sweet on my neck as they kissed the pulse hammering in my throat. Edward was still in control.

“Hmmm,” I said, running my fingers through the hair I had just nearly pulled out. “Looks like I was right about the control thing after all. I guess an old dog can be taught new tricks.”

I really did need to learn to keep my mouth shut at moments like that.

Edward lifted his head up, ruffled and grumpy. He looked like he’d just woken up from a nap after not sleeping for 80 years. He peered down at me disapprovingly through heavy-lidded eyes. “Bella,” he said in an even tone. “If you refer to me as a dog ever again, I will drag you to that freezing lake out there and dump you in headfirst.”

I snorted with laughter, unable to help it, and spouted off something inappropriate. I might have used the phrase dog paddling. It wasn’t as if I expected him to actually act on his oath.

Edward’s eyes flared.

“No, no, no, no, no! ” I screamed, all the way out the window, through the trail in the woods, and down to the lake.

It was very cold in the water. Edward was there with me though, and despite his own frigid body temperature, he managed to find a way to warm me right up again.