Once Upon A Time, Back In Highschool

Mikey broke his rule and gave me an awkward hug for a good half hour. His arms were too muscular though, not like Gerard’s. His stomach was too flat, his chest not broad enough, everything was wrong. It was late by the time I had collected myself, -too late.

“You can stay on the couch for the night. You’re parents know?”

“They’re out of town for a few days,” I sniffed into his shoulder, resisting the urge to wipe my nose on his crisp clean Anthrax shirt, “I feel so stupid, why did he show you that?” I asked, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

“I don’t know. He’d had a couple drinks… he just… he wanted me to see it. He was just proud,” Mikey sighed.

“I can’t get that stripper song out of my head,” I muttered, forgetting I was in Mikey’s house and reaching over to shuffle through his C.D’s. He didn’t seem to mind when I pushed play on whatever he had in there already. It was Good Charlotte, there old stuff, “Sorry, I forgot where I was for a second,” I mumbled.

“No it’s fine,” he smiled, “My mom likes this song, It’s the only Good Charlotte song she likes,” he chuckled, “I mean what kinda of mom likes Hold On?” he laughed. For a second he sounded so much like Gerard I wanted to pounce, I quickly restrained himself.

My breathing thickened as Mikey stared at me, his mouth beginning to twitch. He leant forward. I held my breath and leant back away from him, shaking my head desperately. Luckily he took my arm and patted it awkwardly, leaving the room promptly afterwards. I picked at the duvet and pulled one of the light grey cushions onto my lap, starting to pick at that as well. My foot began to jingle up and down rapidly as Mikey walked in, looking worried about me still being with in a metre of his bed.

“What’re you gonna do?” he asked. I shrugged, I wasn’t some one to plan ahead. I couldn’t do anything anyway, Gerard would be so angry at Mikey if he found out.

“I think you should pick up the phone and leave him,” Mikey said, “Right now, before he sucks you into his weird life anymore. You don’t love him, you love him when he’s caring. And tell me Ren, when is he ever like that anymore?” he asked, I shrugged and continued to pick, “Exactly,” he said, picking up the phone, “Just do it,” he urged.

“I can’t,” I said, trying to push the black cordless away from me, “Mikey don’t-“ I said pathetically when he dialled in the number and pressed call. I snatched it off him, slamming it back down on the hook, “No! Just no, you can’t make me!” I retaliated.

“Do you want to end up like that kid? Buried in some wood -the newspaper saying there’s no trace of where you went. Stop kidding yourself that he’s not going to do what he wants!” Mikey said, raising his voice, “You’re seventeen, you’re too young for all this! Don’t you understand that Gerard can’t love you if he’s willing to make videos like that!”

“Just go away I don’t need you,” I lied. Mikey was once again snatching up the phone and dialling the number, pressing call again and pressing it too my ear, holding the phone for me so I could nothing but sit there like a ornament and wait for him to answer.

“Hello?” Gerard asked groggily.

“It’s Ren,” I told him quietly, hating Mikey for making me so this, hating myself for not wanting to do it, “I have to tell you-“

“Oh god Doll, it’s so good to hear your voice-“

“No Gerard. I’ve c-called to tell you…” I trailed off my jaw shaking as Mikey pressed the phone against my ear. I closed my eyes and pulled my knees up to my chest. Gerard’s breathing grew heavier and I could hear him pacing around.

“What is it Doll?” he asked worriedly.

“We can’t see each other anymore. I don’t want to see you anymore,” I said, trying to make my voice strong. I pulled away from Mikey then, slamming my hands against his chest so he was knocked backwards. I threw my face down into the pillow, in the process managing to knock the left side of my brow on the table. I heard Mikey draw back and then he pushed his phone back into it’s charger.

“Ren, don’t please. It’s for the best,” Mikey said, “Stop crying please, you know I can’t do anything. You’re just a minor-“

“So if you come in two feet of me the cops are gonna take you away? Never mind you have a porn tape of your brother with some one under age!” I muttered, feeling guilty when his face dropped to the floor and he shuffled over to the edge of his bed and sat down.

“Ren, Gerard is capable of anything. He raped you-“

“He did not!” I said, not fooling anyone.

“He did! And you goddamn know it! Don’t even pretend to me like he didn’t!” Mikey shouted, being surprisingly loud

“He didn’t mean too!” I shouted back, both of us starring daggers at eachother. Mikey took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes like he was too stressed to even look at me, “He can’t help it Mikey. He’s so lovely when he’s not angry or in one of his moods-“

“Yeah well guess what!” Mikey suddenly roared, “He used to be nice to me to y’know? He used to let me come into his bed when I had nightmares, he used to let me sit on his lap when mom and dad would fight and he used to let me be the centre of his life! How do you I feel that the only time I get to see him is when he’s talking about something weird, or is making weird sex videos! Do you know what he did the other night when he came round? He sat me down on my own couch, put that DVD in my television and pulled my arms behind my back so I couldn’t look away!”

Mikey got up and stalked around the bed, trying to calm himself down.

“He wouldn’t even turn it off when it got to the big show! Oh no -I had to sit there and watch for an hour, a full fucking hour. Watching him rewind his favourite parts, like some sick bastard. That’s just the thing -he doesn’t realise when he crosses the line! You think he loves you? He told me he loved me and he goes and does that!” Mikey said, “Don’t you get it?”

“I didn’t know-“

“He doesn’t think like you or me. He doesn’t realise that if he gets caught with you he could go to prison for years!” Mikey yelled.

I sat shun. Mikey wasn’t completely out of it when he was mad. Yes, he was angry and he yelled but you could still see he was human. Gerard took on some animal appearance, hunched shoulders, heavy breathing, a dead end look in his eye. Mikey suddenly flopped down on his bed, forgetting his own rules and coming within a metre of me. I swallowed as he tried to calm down, steam practically floating off from his skin.

“The worst he’s done is when I was seventeen and he was nineteen, hitting twenty in a couple months,” Mikey started, any rage he had was lost beneath him, “I had just gotten a proper car, that I could drive and everything. Mom didn’t want me going out on my own so he came with. He was pretty drunk, or at least very tipsy, he kept giggling at everything and turning the music up loud so I couldn’t concentrate. We both drove around for a bit when he spotted a group of girls in the corner. Prostitutes. Well, of course he couldn’t resist and picked one out of the group even though I told him he couldn’t because I still couldn’t drive very well. He did though, he told me to look ahead, he’d be done in about five minutes. If I tried to turn around to tell him he'd had to stop because there were people near by, he’d scream at me to look away. The cops started trailing us and Gerard told me whatever I did I couldn’t stop, I had to go faster and get away from them. I can’t remember what happened after that but I ended up in this field, I drove right through a fence and ended up in this field. He finished whatever he was doing in the back and told her to get out –which she did quickly. And then…” Mikey trailed off, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

“Then?” I asked, bringing the pillow onto my lap, feeling unnerved when Mikey turned his head to actually looked at me.

“I was crying and shaking. I was pretty scared being alone in a field with my psychotic brother who’d just chucked a girl out in the dark in the middle of a field. He dragged me into the back seat with him, I didn’t want to though, it stunk of sweat and sex. At first he was just hugging me, playing with the back of my hair and whispering he was sorry. But then he started getting weird, I don’t want to go into it much, I don’t want to remember it. He couldn’t remember what he’d done in the morning, or he could an he just didn’t want to admit it.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise…” I murmured, resting my head back on the black bars of his head board.

“No I’m sorry,” he said shaking his head, “I think it’s just best that now it’s over. You can go on with your life and I’ll get Gerard to a clinic somewhere… we’ll get him more pills,” Mikey said, trying to work things out in a sentence. I think he felt he had to sort everything out in a sentence, other wise things wouldn’t be as simple.

“If you do get him into a clinic can I come and visit him?” I asked.

“I’ll ring you,” he smiled, almost happy that he’d managed to work everything out, “I’m glad we’ve worked everything out,” he said, smiling a little, “Everything will be fine tomorrow, you’ll see.”