Dann Sind Wir Endlich Frei

Emily’s POV

Arriving back at home after spending the past couple of nights in the hospital felt like heaven. Everyone followed us home to see the house. No one had been round to see it since we’d only bought it last week. Drinks were shared around thought everyone left after around half an hour to give us some space. Even my parents left to go stay at a hotel. It was just me, Bill and the twins.

‘I’m going up to bed. I just wanna sleep for the next week!’ I whispered as I Carried Tom up with me. To makes things easy, we’d decided to keep Tom all blue and Zach in white… Then have alternate Bath times… otherwise we’d be clueless!

‘Alright, We’ll come up in a minute. I just want to have a cuddle.’ He was relaxed on the settee with Zach lay in his arms. Every time he’s slept, he’s had both arms tucked in and his hands rested on his mouth. It was really cute… Tom tended to just, spread his arms as far as he could. ‘You go up I’ll be there in a second.’

As I headed up the stairs I looked at the photos of Bill and me. There was one of us at Georg birthday, the party ended in a cake fight, we were both covered and Sinome decided to take a picture of us. But stomach was huge then too. Then I looked at some of Tom and Bill. It made me think of my own brother… I haven’t heard from him in years. He’s never around at home when I go and he doesn’t return my calls. I get the feeling he thinks I’ve abandoned him. He didn’t even come to my 18th birthday party last year.

I lay Tom gently into his blue crib. He stirred but then just pushed his arms across to fill the space and lay there. I’m so lucky. I’m the luckiest girl to have ever lived. And he is 1 of my 3 boys. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to Tom, Zach or Bill. I went and got out the photo album and searched through it… I was on one of me and Tom when we were together. I don’t know why Bill wanted to keep it, but he insisted. I’d have thought he’d be the one that wanted rid of it. As I was thinking about it Bill came in and set Zach in his all white crib.

‘Bill, why did you keep this?’

‘What?’ He changed into his night clothes and slipped into the bed as we cuddled up close.

‘This picture of me and Tom, when I was with him.’ I rested my tired head onto his chest, it was all warm and I felt so much at home.

‘Well, It reminds me of the two most important people in the world to me. Also, it reminds me that no matter what I love you, and I always will. Nothing will ever happen to change it. I couldn’t get rid of it.’ I felt a wave of relaxation flow through my body. I knew that he meant every word of it. I felt the same way back, no one and nothing could make it any other way.

‘Wha… Bill what’s missing from there?’ There was a blank section where something had been taken out. I can’t remember what used to be there.

‘Well… you know all those months ago. On that night when you were… when you were going to kill yourself?’

‘And you stopped me.’ He didn’t take a picture of me covered in blood did he?

‘Well, I kept the letter you wrote. Well, you know in the last couple of weeks I’ve been going round to Tom’s? With Georg and Gustav, well. We were, adapting it. We’ve made it into a song for you. I didn’t want you to find out. I wanted it to be a surprise but… still.’ He looked at me lovingly. His eyes glazed over at the memory of almost loosing me. He handed me a piece of paper from the drawer next to his side of the bed.

I lied to you, (yet I've done things with him) and I can't say that I don't regret (but I fought the lies that came with me) and I can't bear what I've done, he's alright with it (but I am never to be fine with what I've done) Who the hell will I choose? I do not want the lust that haunts us, he can't find out (because then we're as good as done) and I don‘t know if I should stay, so I will leave you here, some unspeakable things I've allowed, now no one knows what I've done, say goodnight, I'm breathing my last breath

Chorus:

Safe inside my shell, I know I've got to run, sweet taste of the light, it all ends here tonight, and I lost this fight, (hence resulting in me leaving you all here) I can't stay any longer, all this I've done would make a heartbreaker cry, the way I switched between you, would put an ever-changing rose to shame, what I've done is enough to kill the love I had for this life I had with you guys, now safe inside my soul, is an ocean of pain I need to spill, now I need to know why I had to lie to myself he's not the one I want, the other is what I DID

Chorus:

Swallow me in the sound of the drowning, the goddess of imaginary life, come and find me in my hollow space, providing a sanctuary, I need no heart, I need a voice to send me on my away to avoid splitting up the band for all I've DONE! INSIDE MYSELF IS A POOL OF REGRET, but I can't break it off on your day, get your hand the hell off of my waist, or I'll be spitting on your graves as I cave!

(Chorus x3)

What the hell, have I ever done? I vowed to you, yet I screwed everything up, I can't just switch, you need to get over me, the both of you, get the hell over me, I'm swimming in an ocean of my own tears, and I regret the day anything happened between the other one of you and I!

(Chorus x3)

(Ends)

I felt tears build up in my eyes but I promised I wouldn’t cry. I just folded the paper and hugged him tightly. I didn’t want to let him go, ever. He was mine forever… he’s going no where. Which then suddenly reminded me of a verse I’d written for him or the boys. I wrote it while in the hospital. I took out a similar looking piece of paper from my draw and gave it to him, it read:

Give me your hand I’ll guide you through
This storm tonight, just me and you
I’ll hold you tight and close to me
Come with me, just let us be
I’ll make sure this is something we can keep

After reading it he uttered a simple ‘I love you’ then kissed me passionately. I slid the paper on the table and turned out the light. We cuddled closely before drifting off to sleep.