Slip Into This Tragedy
I Wish I Could Breathe
Chapter 3
It was an hour before band practice and we were still just sitting on the couch, watching movies. It was a peaceful afternoon, but not exactly what I wanted to do today. I had all day to sit and think about my life. I had hours and hours to think about everything bad about the fact that my dad left. And I had hours to wonder what happened to Gerard. I was quickly becoming panicked because I had thousands of questions about both things but no answers, and no way to get answers. I was trying to hide the fact that I was spiraling down into a deep depression from Gerard, but I don’t know how long I can hide it just sitting here with only him. Then I got an idea.
“Hey Gee?” I said sweetly, turning to look at him in the eyes, cuddling closer into him. He looked down at me intently. “Why don’t we go to your house? I mean, band practice is soon, and until then we can hang out with Sam and Mikey,” I put on my cutest puppy face, knowing he couldn’t resist it.
“Okay, great idea Frankie baby,” he answered, trying to mask the disappointment in his voice. I felt bad for ruining our rare alone time that we get, but I didn’t want him to be able to read what I was thinking. And what I was feeling; I need alcohol. It numbs the pain, and it’s the only way I can turn my mind off, even if it is just for a little bit. Of course Gerard would flip if he knew that I wanted alcohol just to escape. He was always very overprotective when it came to people drinking because he had a problem with it, up till a few months ago.
I always felt a little guilty when I was drinking though, because it’s setting a bad example for my younger sister Sam. Though I’m not sure why I worry about it, she started drinking at age 14, I didn’t start till I was almost 16. I needed to get drunk, and the Way’s house was the perfect place, and as far as I was concerned, tonight is the perfect night. At band practice, all the guys have a beer or two, so I can easily get away with the first few drinks, then just sneak the rest in their kitchen. Its perfect, and easy, the best escape. I couldn’t wait any longer, I needed to start the numbing process now.
I got up off the couch, pulling Gee with me. I ran and turned the TV off, then ran into the kitchen to grab a bag of skittles (a staple for band practice) and dragged Gerard out the door into his car.
“What’s the rush baby?” Gerard looked at my curiously, trying to read me like a book. Luckily I had lots of practice with hiding what’s going on with me, or else he would he read me easily.
“I just haven’t seen Mikey in a long time. I miss that kid!” I lied. He looked at me questioningly for a moment, and then started driving. I guess I’m not as good at hiding my emotions as I thought I was. I just hope I can keep hiding it until we get to his house, then it will be easy; I’m a happy drunk.
The 10 minutes to the Way’s house seemed to take hours. Gerard kept glancing over at me every few seconds like I was going to jump out the window. When we finally got there, I jumped out of the car and skipped up to the front steps, happy to almost have alcohol. I knocked on the door loudly while Gerard slowly walked up the steps. The door opened to reveal Mikey’s face pecking around the frame.
“MIKES!” I yelled as I jumped onto him and pulled him into a huge hug. I could feel Gerard’s sad and worried eyes staring into my back, but I didn’t care. I walked happily into the kitchen and pulled out 4 beers from the fridge. I had just finished opening them when Sam walked into the kitchen, and her face lit up when she saw the beers. I hugged her tightly and handed her a beer. I know I sound like a horrible older brother but she would drink even if I didn’t hand her the booze.
We had drunk a good amount of our beer when Gerard and Mikey slowly walked into the kitchen. Mikey wrapped his arms around Sam and grabbed a beer for himself off the table. Gerard just walked over to the table, grabbed the beer and went upstairs. When we heard his bedroom door slam shut, Mikey took a big sip of his drink, then set it down on the table, glaring at me.
“Frank, I think it’s time you tell us what’s going on with you and Gerard,” Sam said, glaring at me the same way Mikey was. Oh shit, they know. They know about Gerard and I, and they know we’ve been hiding it. I figured I should just tell them the truth.
“Uhm, Gerard and I have kinda been dating for the past few months..” I began.
“MONTHES?!?!” Sam screamed at me. “You have had a fucking boyfriend for months and you didn’t even tell your SISTER? You’re the one who has always said that we’ll always be best friends and tell each other everything and you didn’t even tell me that you’re GAY!”
My cheeks turned bright red, and I could feel tears threatening to leak out. Sam was right, she is my sister, I should have told her. I need more beer. I quickly downed the small amount left in my bottle, opened another one, and took a long swig of it.
“I’m glad that you’ve found someone though. And you do know that I don’t care at all that you gay right Frank,” Sam whispered as she pulled out of Mikey’s grasp and put an arm on my shoulder. “ I love you Frank, I just wish you would have told me,”
“I know, I’m sorry. I love you too Sammy,” I said just as the doorbell rang.
With my beer in hand, I ran to answer it. I greeted Ray and Bob cheerfully, and we soon started setting up for band practice in the basement. Ray and Bob were messing around with their instruments, Mikey and Sam were sitting on a chair talking, and I was drinking beers like no other, I think I was on my 4th, and practice hadn’t even started yet. A few minutes later, Gerard came down stairs, obviously drunk and upset.
“Lets fucking go!” he exclaimed loudly into the microphone. I picked up my beloved Pansy, and Mikey gave Sam a kiss and we started playing. We were in the middle of Vampires Will Never Hurt You when Gerard looked at me for the first time since practice started.
“And someone save my soul tonight, please save my soul” Gerard sung, his eyes like daggers, stabbing at me. I hurt him for no reason. I had to go and be Frank the Fuck Up and hurt the guy I loved. We finished the set, then Gerard walked back upstairs to his room. Mikey looked at Sam longingly, then turned and followed Gerard into his room.
“What’s up with Gerard?” Ray asked. Looking from me to Sam.
“NOTHING!” I yelled and ran off to the kitchen, reaching in the fridge for yet another beer. I sat at the table for a long time, drinking beer after beer, enjoying the numbness wash over me. I vaguely remember Sam walking into the kitchen, starting to say something, the grabbed another beer and left when she saw my clearly drunk state. Another night, the picture perfect evening smeared by alcohol and ruined by me.
It was an hour before band practice and we were still just sitting on the couch, watching movies. It was a peaceful afternoon, but not exactly what I wanted to do today. I had all day to sit and think about my life. I had hours and hours to think about everything bad about the fact that my dad left. And I had hours to wonder what happened to Gerard. I was quickly becoming panicked because I had thousands of questions about both things but no answers, and no way to get answers. I was trying to hide the fact that I was spiraling down into a deep depression from Gerard, but I don’t know how long I can hide it just sitting here with only him. Then I got an idea.
“Hey Gee?” I said sweetly, turning to look at him in the eyes, cuddling closer into him. He looked down at me intently. “Why don’t we go to your house? I mean, band practice is soon, and until then we can hang out with Sam and Mikey,” I put on my cutest puppy face, knowing he couldn’t resist it.
“Okay, great idea Frankie baby,” he answered, trying to mask the disappointment in his voice. I felt bad for ruining our rare alone time that we get, but I didn’t want him to be able to read what I was thinking. And what I was feeling; I need alcohol. It numbs the pain, and it’s the only way I can turn my mind off, even if it is just for a little bit. Of course Gerard would flip if he knew that I wanted alcohol just to escape. He was always very overprotective when it came to people drinking because he had a problem with it, up till a few months ago.
I always felt a little guilty when I was drinking though, because it’s setting a bad example for my younger sister Sam. Though I’m not sure why I worry about it, she started drinking at age 14, I didn’t start till I was almost 16. I needed to get drunk, and the Way’s house was the perfect place, and as far as I was concerned, tonight is the perfect night. At band practice, all the guys have a beer or two, so I can easily get away with the first few drinks, then just sneak the rest in their kitchen. Its perfect, and easy, the best escape. I couldn’t wait any longer, I needed to start the numbing process now.
I got up off the couch, pulling Gee with me. I ran and turned the TV off, then ran into the kitchen to grab a bag of skittles (a staple for band practice) and dragged Gerard out the door into his car.
“What’s the rush baby?” Gerard looked at my curiously, trying to read me like a book. Luckily I had lots of practice with hiding what’s going on with me, or else he would he read me easily.
“I just haven’t seen Mikey in a long time. I miss that kid!” I lied. He looked at me questioningly for a moment, and then started driving. I guess I’m not as good at hiding my emotions as I thought I was. I just hope I can keep hiding it until we get to his house, then it will be easy; I’m a happy drunk.
The 10 minutes to the Way’s house seemed to take hours. Gerard kept glancing over at me every few seconds like I was going to jump out the window. When we finally got there, I jumped out of the car and skipped up to the front steps, happy to almost have alcohol. I knocked on the door loudly while Gerard slowly walked up the steps. The door opened to reveal Mikey’s face pecking around the frame.
“MIKES!” I yelled as I jumped onto him and pulled him into a huge hug. I could feel Gerard’s sad and worried eyes staring into my back, but I didn’t care. I walked happily into the kitchen and pulled out 4 beers from the fridge. I had just finished opening them when Sam walked into the kitchen, and her face lit up when she saw the beers. I hugged her tightly and handed her a beer. I know I sound like a horrible older brother but she would drink even if I didn’t hand her the booze.
We had drunk a good amount of our beer when Gerard and Mikey slowly walked into the kitchen. Mikey wrapped his arms around Sam and grabbed a beer for himself off the table. Gerard just walked over to the table, grabbed the beer and went upstairs. When we heard his bedroom door slam shut, Mikey took a big sip of his drink, then set it down on the table, glaring at me.
“Frank, I think it’s time you tell us what’s going on with you and Gerard,” Sam said, glaring at me the same way Mikey was. Oh shit, they know. They know about Gerard and I, and they know we’ve been hiding it. I figured I should just tell them the truth.
“Uhm, Gerard and I have kinda been dating for the past few months..” I began.
“MONTHES?!?!” Sam screamed at me. “You have had a fucking boyfriend for months and you didn’t even tell your SISTER? You’re the one who has always said that we’ll always be best friends and tell each other everything and you didn’t even tell me that you’re GAY!”
My cheeks turned bright red, and I could feel tears threatening to leak out. Sam was right, she is my sister, I should have told her. I need more beer. I quickly downed the small amount left in my bottle, opened another one, and took a long swig of it.
“I’m glad that you’ve found someone though. And you do know that I don’t care at all that you gay right Frank,” Sam whispered as she pulled out of Mikey’s grasp and put an arm on my shoulder. “ I love you Frank, I just wish you would have told me,”
“I know, I’m sorry. I love you too Sammy,” I said just as the doorbell rang.
With my beer in hand, I ran to answer it. I greeted Ray and Bob cheerfully, and we soon started setting up for band practice in the basement. Ray and Bob were messing around with their instruments, Mikey and Sam were sitting on a chair talking, and I was drinking beers like no other, I think I was on my 4th, and practice hadn’t even started yet. A few minutes later, Gerard came down stairs, obviously drunk and upset.
“Lets fucking go!” he exclaimed loudly into the microphone. I picked up my beloved Pansy, and Mikey gave Sam a kiss and we started playing. We were in the middle of Vampires Will Never Hurt You when Gerard looked at me for the first time since practice started.
“And someone save my soul tonight, please save my soul” Gerard sung, his eyes like daggers, stabbing at me. I hurt him for no reason. I had to go and be Frank the Fuck Up and hurt the guy I loved. We finished the set, then Gerard walked back upstairs to his room. Mikey looked at Sam longingly, then turned and followed Gerard into his room.
“What’s up with Gerard?” Ray asked. Looking from me to Sam.
“NOTHING!” I yelled and ran off to the kitchen, reaching in the fridge for yet another beer. I sat at the table for a long time, drinking beer after beer, enjoying the numbness wash over me. I vaguely remember Sam walking into the kitchen, starting to say something, the grabbed another beer and left when she saw my clearly drunk state. Another night, the picture perfect evening smeared by alcohol and ruined by me.
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sorry it took so long. i've hardly been home these past few days. i like the ending of the chapter. comment/feedback please. tell me what you think, even if you hate it.comments=updates, and love.